No one cares

[Gloria_Patch]

I was looking on Facebook, and I saw a video of me playing basketball. My ex husband had shot it. And, I felt,  "Aww he really loved me." And, I remember how happy I was to be that loved. It was fun being in love, wasn't it?

And then I thought, no one will ever love me enough to care about the fact that I was good in basketball or can draw very well.

And then, I thought... .But wait, that is normal. If I loved someone and he was a great fisherman back in the day, I wouldn't really care. I also sure as hell wouldn't shoot a video of him fishing.

Love/attraction really is about a person's present, obvious features. We can admire a person's qualities but not particularly care to engage in them.

I think this is why it is hard to let go of our borderlines. They go above and unrealistically beyond. It is like trying heroin and then forever chasing that high. But a human is not meant to ever experience that heroin high on this earth. And we were never supposed to experience a borderline's love.

On an another note, I recently heard a song called "Ghost" by Ella Henderson. I swear she is talking about a borderline relationship.

Give up the ghost.

[Infared]

I was looking on Facebook, and I saw a video of me playing basketball. My ex husband had shot it. And, I felt,  "Aww he really loved me." And, I remember how happy I was to be that loved. It was fun being in love, wasn't it?

And then I thought, no one will ever love me enough to care about the fact that I was good in basketball or can draw very well.

And then, I thought... .But wait, that is normal. If I loved someone and he was a great fisherman back in the day, I wouldn't really care. I also sure as hell wouldn't shoot a video of him fishing.

Love/attraction really is about a person's present, obvious features. We can admire a person's qualities but not particularly care to engage in them.

I think this is why it is hard to let go of our borderlines. They go above and unrealistically beyond. It is like trying heroin and then forever chasing that high. But a human is not meant to ever experience that heroin high on this earth. And we were never supposed to experience a borderline's love.

On an another note, I recently heard a song called "Ghost" by Ella Henderson. I swear she is talking about a borderline relationship.

Give up the ghost.

I was going to say nothing... .but then I just couldn't.  Let me pre-empt my comment with the statement that I am in a 12-step program and that I believe in a God "of my understanding".

Your statements are pure control and playing God when you say: "But a human is not meant to ever experience that heroin high on this earth. And we were never supposed to experience a borderline's love."  ?

There are opium poppies here on earth. (That is where heroin comes from).

There are BPD's here on earth. (At least everyone on this blog believes that)

So where did you acquire this info?:

"And we were never supposed to experience a borderline's love."

Just my viewpoint... .no one has to agree with it.

Hate to be so hardcore... .but where did that rule come from? It's troubled from the get-go. It's playing God, no? Who's to say what human's on planet earth are to experience? You?

[Gloria_Patch]

Are you debating whether heroin is a high that should be experienced just because it exists?

The heroin high was my analogy. Your debating the analogy.

It isn't playing God. This is biology. Read up on the neurological effects off using heroin.

But the borderline comment is an opinion. Having an opinion is not playing God or "controlling".

My opinion is that just because something exist or is a possibility doesn't mean it can be tried.

By the way, I believe in God, but not of my own invention. I believe in a God who created humans from His own image. I don't believe I have the power or right to make Him in my image.

[Infared]

Thank you for responding. 

[myself]

I believe in a God who created humans from His own image.

Since many humans have BPD, does God then also have it?

What would be the reason it exists, if not 'experience'?

If it's a 'mistake' or aberration, is that on God, or humans?

[charred]

I was looking on Facebook, and I saw a video of me playing basketball. My ex husband had shot it. And, I felt,  "Aww he really loved me." And, I remember how happy I was to be that loved. It was fun being in love, wasn't it?

And then I thought, no one will ever love me enough to care about the fact that I was good in basketball or can draw very well.

And then, I thought... .But wait, that is normal. If I loved someone and he was a great fisherman back in the day, I wouldn't really care. I also sure as hell wouldn't shoot a video of him fishing.

Love/attraction really is about a person's present, obvious features. We can admire a person's qualities but not particularly care to engage in them.

I think this is why it is hard to let go of our borderlines. They go above and unrealistically beyond.

You care enough about you to appreciate the fact you were good in basketball and can draw well.

Mirroring is powerful, someone we are excited about seems to hang on our every word... like we are the most interesting person in the world.

Generating all that interest... seems to take a lot out of them... and at some point they complain. My BPDgf... went on about how it was always about me, and how I would go on and on with that old boring stuff, and how I didn't really know her at all. Didn't know it at the time, but that was one of those rare times she was telling the truth.

No one is as interested in your exploits... as you are, and that is normal. It doesn't mean no one is interested in the least... or that they don't care about you. Real love develops over time, takes lots of face time, shared experiences, stories and positive relating experiences over time. Con men (confidence men)... try to get as fast a bond as they can, so you will meet their needs... which is usually to relieve you of something valuable that you have, that they want, and don't want to pay for.

Rather than trying to find a romantic relationship with someone that appreciates your interest exactly(which is going to eliminate a lot of potentials)... seek out friends with your interests. Get comfortable in your own skin and enjoy meeting people. Over time you can develop good relationships that mature to love. If you meet someone with all kinds of crazy sparks... .that is ... sadly, ... crazy... in all likely hood, rather than "love at first sight"... .if the talk is all about you and it is mirroring, they have a history of lot of ex's, bad relationships... .absolutely perfect parents, horrible ex that was abusive... .or that they can only describe by painting black. Run away... get advice while you still will listen, if you must see them have your friends/family check them out... but heed the    .

Real people really care about you, your friends and family probably care... but disordered people with BPD... are needy to the point of having to "do whatever it takes"... to get what they need.

[vortex of confusion]

I was looking on Facebook, and I saw a video of me playing basketball. My ex husband had shot it. And, I felt,  "Aww he really loved me." And, I remember how happy I was to be that loved. It was fun being in love, wasn't it?

Shooting a video of somebody playing basketball is not necessarily love. It could have been interest or fascination or something else.

And then I thought, no one will ever love me enough to care about the fact that I was good in basketball or can draw very well.

That is a bit cynical I think. I can do lots of things pretty well. In my opinion, a healthy relationship involves two people that care about each other. Caring about somebody doesn't necessarily mean making a big deal out of their interests. It is about sharing your life with them. It is about them giving you the space to draw and play basketball. They care enough about those things to let them be YOUR things without necessarily having to be involved in them.

And then, I thought... .But wait, that is normal. If I loved someone and he was a great fisherman back in the day, I wouldn't really care. I also sure as hell wouldn't shoot a video of him fishing.

I find that an odd statement. No, I may not care about whether or not he was a great fisherman back in the day but I sure as heck would want to hear stories about it because that is part of who he is. And, if I happened to go out fishing with him and it was something that was new to me, I might want to shoot a video just because it was kind of cool. I think about my kids and how I relish and enjoy hearing about the things that they like and enjoy. Heck, I even shoot videos of them doing stuff. Why wouldn't you do those things with somebody that you love and have a deep connection with or want to develop a deep connection with?

Love/attraction really is about a person's present, obvious features. We can admire a person's qualities but not particularly care to engage in them.

Maybe I am weird but I want to know a person's whole story. Who they are. Where they came from. Where they are going. I can listen to their story and I think it is normal for them to want to listen to our story. If you don't engage them on some level, how in the world can you have a relationship at all?

I think this is why it is hard to let go of our borderlines. They go above and unrealistically beyond. It is like trying heroin and then forever chasing that high. But a human is not meant to ever experience that heroin high on this earth. And we were never supposed to experience a borderline's love.

I don't think they go above and beyond. Mine has never really gone above and beyond. Really, he does the bare minimum. I think it really depends on what part of the spectrum they are on and why we were attracted to them in the first place. I never experienced those highs or those fireworks that some people talk about.

[fromheeltoheal]

But a human is not meant to ever experience that heroin high on this earth. And we were never supposed to experience a borderline's love.

Those could be considered limiting beliefs, and there might be alternatives.  I've done heroin, and heroin, officially diacetylmorphine, has the same effect as morphine in the body, so anyone who's had an operation in a hospital knows what it feels like.  And I've also ridden bicycles very long distances and gotten an endorphin buzz that felt the same.  Heroin is just a shortcut.

And borderline "love" is just a shortcut to the real thing too, I knew that at the time, but decided to enjoy the buzz, run with it and screw the consequences.  Silly me.

So what heroin and borderline "love" have in common is they're both shortcuts to the real deal.  Knowing that, those emotional states are totally available to us without the shortcuts, we just need to work for them, and anything worth it requires work, another belief, but one that saves us heartache.

[Gloria_Patch]

I believe in a God who created humans from His own image.

Since many humans have BPD, does God then also have it?

What would be the reason it exists, if not 'experience'?

If it's a 'mistake' or aberration, is that on God, or humans?

Are you debating my version of God or debating whether if something it exists, it is meant to experience?

OJ Simpson exists. Should he be experienced?

And, I don't think my original post mentioned God. I wasn't meaning for a theological debate.

I mean that some things are dangerous and should not be touched.

My ex husband, before I met him, did hard drugs for 7 years. I think he could have died if he wasn't so sturdy in his physical statue. I think his mother was borderline. I don't think he would have done drugs if she wasn't.

I don't think a child is meant to experience a borderline's rage and degradation and dehumanization. I don't think a woman should. And, I don't think a man should.

The answer doesn't lie in another person being a martyr to the borderline. The answer lies in curing the borderline - not in the borderline engaging in relationships or having children while actively experiencing symptoms.

[Gloria_Patch]

I was looking on Facebook, and I saw a video of me playing basketball. My ex husband had shot it. And, I felt,  "Aww he really loved me." And, I remember how happy I was to be that loved. It was fun being in love, wasn't it?

Shooting a video of somebody playing basketball is not necessarily love. It could have been interest or fascination or something else.

And then I thought, no one will ever love me enough to care about the fact that I was good in basketball or can draw very well.

That is a bit cynical I think. I can do lots of things pretty well. In my opinion, a healthy relationship involves two people that care about each other. Caring about somebody doesn't necessarily mean making a big deal out of their interests. It is about sharing your life with them. It is about them giving you the space to draw and play basketball. They care enough about those things to let them be YOUR things without necessarily having to be involved in them.

And then, I thought... .But wait, that is normal. If I loved someone and he was a great fisherman back in the day, I wouldn't really care. I also sure as hell wouldn't shoot a video of him fishing.

I find that an odd statement. No, I may not care about whether or not he was a great fisherman back in the day but I sure as heck would want to hear stories about it because that is part of who he is. And, if I happened to go out fishing with him and it was something that was new to me, I might want to shoot a video just because it was kind of cool. I think about my kids and how I relish and enjoy hearing about the things that they like and enjoy. Heck, I even shoot videos of them doing stuff. Why wouldn't you do those things with somebody that you love and have a deep connection with or want to develop a deep connection with?

Love/attraction really is about a person's present, obvious features. We can admire a person's qualities but not particularly care to engage in them.

Maybe I am weird but I want to know a person's whole story. Who they are. Where they came from. Where they are going. I can listen to their story and I think it is normal for them to want to listen to our story. If you don't engage them on some level, how in the world can you have a relationship at all?

I think this is why it is hard to let go of our borderlines. They go above and unrealistically beyond. It is like trying heroin and then forever chasing that high. But a human is not meant to ever experience that heroin high on this earth. And we were never supposed to experience a borderline's love.

I don't think they go above and beyond. Mine has never really gone above and beyond. Really, he does the bare minimum. I think it really depends on what part of the spectrum they are on and why we were attracted to them in the first place. I never experienced those highs or those fireworks that some people talk about.

I have a son and would be obsessed with everything he does. But there's nothing like a parent's love.

But as far as relationships,  I don't think we really will be interested in every hobby of a significant other. We might smile and be supportive. But that all out enthusiasm that a borderline has during his idealization phases, is surreal and shouldn't be expected in even healthy, loving relationships.

My ex husband used to call me a c---, a whore, b___, nasty b___, anorexic b___, etc etc etc, while spitting at me.

That's why I used a drug analogy. The first high is better than any happiness. But the comedown is worse than any depression.

You said your ex was indifferent. You sure it wasn't Asperger's? Many Asperger people are thpught to be BPD

[Mutt]

That's why I used a drug analogy. The first high is better than any happiness. But the comedown is worse than any depression.

I think it's a good articulation of the idealization phase Gloria_Patch. I didn't realize at the time I had life long emotional wounds and it's difficult to forget the idealization at the beginning of the r/s felt like a high from a drug.

I recall the exactly the situation and day my ex stopped paying attention to me. We became committed in the spring and by the summer her idealization stopped. Through all of the tumultuous periods and chaos in the r/s I kept waiting for the woman that I first met to return. I'm embarrassed to say even near the end of the r/s during her dissociative phase I was hoping for the woman I fell in love with to return. I think a ghost is a good analogy. 8 years I was wishing. hoping and wondering if she was going to return or where this other woman had gone to.

I knew nothing about BPD at the time or the possibility that the person I loved is mentally ill.

[downwhim]

That's why I used a drug analogy. The first high is better than any happiness. But the comedown is worse than any depression.

I think it's a good articulation of the idealization phase Gloria_Patch. I didn't realize at the time I had life long emotional wounds and it's difficult to forget the idealization at the beginning of the r/s felt like a high from a drug.

I recall the exactly the situation and day my ex stopped paying attention to me. We became committed in the spring and by the summer her idealization stopped. Through all of the tumultuous periods and chaos in the r/s I kept waiting for the woman that I first met to return. I'm embarrassed to say even near the end of the r/s during her dissociative phase I was hoping for the woman I fell in love with to return. I think a ghost is a good analogy. 8 years I was wishing. hoping and wondering if she was going to return or where this other woman had gone to.

I knew nothing about BPD at the time or the possibility that the person I loved is mentally ill.

Once we got engaged in the fall by summer the idealization phase had ended. I was slowly being painted black so I can relate Mutt. Along with a commitment came abandonment. For the BPD pain and love go together. It was so evident that the closer we got the more distant he became.

[Mutt]

I felt like no one cared until I met her. Here's a woman that accepts me for whom I am with a past that was painful. I didn't realize I was carrying childhood emotional wounds. It was the attention I was seeking and for someone to love me.

As painful as the abandonment was she showed me where my pain was and why. I didn't love myself having been invalidated by people I cared about much of my life. The one person I felt unconditional love from was my mother and she died of cancer. I missed that for many years.

My ex taught me that love comes from you. You have to care. She showed me all of the wonderful attributes and characteristics I own. They were always there. She helped me find them. Caring starts with me by loving myself.

Idealization is temporary like a drug. Unconditional love is everlasting.

[downwhim]

Mutt I too have learned where my pain stems from. I have also realized that I have been abandoned within the last eight years the following:

ex husband - divorced- cheated

Father- died cancer - close bond

Best friend- back to drinking after 17 years sober- moved Hawaii

Mother-died heart condition

Neighbors- friends - moved 300 miles away

Ex fiancé - b/c 3/12 months ago

All of this has stirred me up inside and until I started reading I never realized all the damage done to my being, myself, who and what I am. Many times I have felt each one of these loses. No anchor to hang on to is what it feels like.

[raisins3142]

I recall the exactly the situation and day my ex stopped paying attention to me. We became committed in the spring and by the summer her idealization stopped. Through all of the tumultuous periods and chaos in the r/s I kept waiting for the woman that I first met to return. I'm embarrassed to say even near the end of the r/s during her dissociative phase I was hoping for the woman I fell in love with to return. I think a ghost is a good analogy. 8 years I was wishing. hoping and wondering if she was going to return or where this other woman had gone to.

I knew nothing about BPD at the time or the possibility that the person I loved is mentally ill.

The ghost analogy is fitting here for me as well.

As I've read here before, keeping up the intense idealization phase is just too much work and also the cracks begin to show as you can't lie/be someone you are not forever.  I think mine then got mad at me for stressing her during idealization.  She had the idea that people exhausted her and she had to be alone to recuperate and this meant she was just an introvert.  But that wasn't really it so much.

[downwhim]

I recall the exactly the situation and day my ex stopped paying attention to me. We became committed in the spring and by the summer her idealization stopped. Through all of the tumultuous periods and chaos in the r/s I kept waiting for the woman that I first met to return. I'm embarrassed to say even near the end of the r/s during her dissociative phase I was hoping for the woman I fell in love with to return. I think a ghost is a good analogy. 8 years I was wishing. hoping and wondering if she was going to return or where this other woman had gone to.

I knew nothing about BPD at the time or the possibility that the person I loved is mentally ill.

The ghost analogy is fitting here for me as well.

As I've read here before, keeping up the intense idealization phase is just too much work and also the cracks begin to show as you can't lie/be someone you are not forever.  I think mine then got mad at me for stressing her during idealization.  She had the idea that people exhausted her and she had to be alone to recuperate and this meant she was just an introvert.  But that wasn't really it so much.

[downwhim]

"As I've read here before, keeping up the intense idealization phase is just too much work and also the cracks begin to show as you can't lie/be someone you are not forever.  I think mine then got mad at me for stressing her during idealization.  She had the idea that people exhausted her and she had to be alone to recuperate and this meant she was just an introvert.  But that wasn't really it so much."

My ex told me I was causing him too much stress. Getting married was causing him too much stress. Then why did he ask me. He knew I was not pushing it. We did not make one plan. I was not constantly talking about a wedding, as a matter of fact Never. I was not in any hurry. I wanted to see how he was going to act first. So the stress was what he put on himself and then projected on me until I had to get on anti-anxiety. Yes, people exhausted him, especially me.

[Gloria_Patch]

I felt like no one cared until I met her. Here's a woman that accepts me for whom I am with a past that was painful. I didn't realize I was carrying childhood emotional wounds. It was the attention I was seeking and for someone to love me.

As painful as the abandonment was she showed me where my pain was and why. I didn't love myself having been invalidated by people I cared about much of my life. The one person I felt unconditional love from was my mother and she died of cancer. I missed that for many years.

My ex taught me that love comes from you. You have to care. She showed me all of the wonderful attributes and characteristics I own. They were always there. She helped me find them. Caring starts with me by loving myself.

Idealization is temporary like a drug. Unconditional love is everlasting.

Interesting. I also started to remember good things about me from my ex. I used to drink a lot and I had forgotten my talents and inner qualities. I didn't not love myself. But, I had lost myself.

I think I was with a borderline, bc I was raised to be a caretaker. My mom had slight paranoid personality disorder in my youth (it eventually turned to delusional disorder). She never raged or degraded or insulted. But she would be unhappy with me for no reason or accuse me of things (like not cleaning something just to make her do it). And, then she'd be fine and compassionate. So, I grew with having to forgive someone for being mean with no cause. I grew up walking on eggshells.

[Gloria_Patch]

Mutt I too have learned where my pain stems from. I have also realized that I have been abandoned within the last eight years the following:

ex husband - divorced- cheated

Father- died cancer - close bond

Best friend- back to drinking after 17 years sober- moved Hawaii

Mother-died heart condition

Neighbors- friends - moved 300 miles away

Ex fiancé - b/c 3/12 months ago

All of this has stirred me up inside and until I started reading I never realized all the damage done to my being, myself, who and what I am. Many times I have felt each one of these loses. No anchor to hang on to is what it feels like.

Me too. I've been utterly alone for a long time.

[Gloria_Patch]

That's why I used a drug analogy. The first high is better than any happiness. But the comedown is worse than any depression.

I think it's a good articulation of the idealization phase Gloria_Patch. I didn't realize at the time I had life long emotional wounds and it's difficult to forget the idealization at the beginning of the r/s felt like a high from a drug.

I recall the exactly the situation and day my ex stopped paying attention to me. We became committed in the spring and by the summer her idealization stopped. Through all of the tumultuous periods and chaos in the r/s I kept waiting for the woman that I first met to return. I'm embarrassed to say even near the end of the r/s during her dissociative phase I was hoping for the woman I fell in love with to return. I think a ghost is a good analogy. 8 years I was wishing. hoping and wondering if she was going to return or where this other woman had gone to.

I knew nothing about BPD at the time or the possibility that the person I loved is mentally ill.

Not knowing about BPD is what got me too. I could see the intensity of love in his eyes. It was sincere. So, with that kind of love, not knowing BPD, you can only assume it is the love of the lifetime.

It is tough in a way, being a woman married to a BPD, because of the abuser label. I think the labelb fits him. And, if he drinks, as someone once mentioned about BPD men: If he is an alcoholic, you can check out of the life hotel quick.

But the "abuser/victim" label feels invalidating of the whole experience.

Actually, everything feels invalidating.

The marriage seems to have never existed. If two people experience something, and the other person consistently acts like it never happened, it really makes it feel like it NEVER happened.

And then, as a woman, when you try to explain a little to your friends your experience, they jump to the conclusion, "Oh my God. How stupid is she? He never loved her. He's an abuser."

Maybe that's true... .I don't know. But it seems invalidating.