BPD negativity

[Depression = 72% of members]

It is important in these dynamics to realize it is in your control not to be in that role, without going into victim role yourself and hence putting the "victim' into role of persecutor.

waverider, how do you 'step out' or 'stay out' of whatever role you are uncounsciously being invited into?

[braveSun]

It is important in these dynamics to realize it is in your control not to be in that role, without going into victim role yourself and hence putting the "victim' into role of persecutor.

waverider, how do you 'step out' or 'stay out' of whatever role you are uncounsciously being invited into?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

It is important in these dynamics to realize it is in your control not to be in that role, without going into victim role yourself and hence putting the "victim' into role of persecutor.

waverider, how do you 'step out' or 'stay out' of whatever role you are uncounsciously being invited into?

It is difficult.

It is important to realize that what you are hearing is very much one sided and in truth often non of your business. If you can support whilst being careful not to validate the invalidate.

Try to help people help themselves rather than rescue them from someone else. eg  Mr X said blah blah... it was really horrible. It is better to encourage them to approach Mr X to work it out rather than   "That Mr X sounds horrible I would'nt put up with that you should do XYZ " in return... Useful advice rather than involvement.

If you feel yourself slipping into victim mode then discuss it with your perceived persecutor rather than looking for a rescuer.

[Jessica84]

It is soo difficult to get out of the cycle, especially when the solution to the "victim"s problem is so obvious! I finally had to stop myself from spitting out an answer, or agreeing with him all the time to avoid an argument. It's like I'm Mars and he's Venus. The roles are reversed. He doesn't want someone else solving his problems, he just wants someone to listen. It takes practice (and loads of patience) to listen while he works through his feelings without my mind racing straight to the solutions and telling him what he should do! Or worse, taking it personally.

An amazing thing started happening though. When I really started to listen to him, I was less triggered by him. I simply let him process his feelings so he could solve his own problems. It took me a long time to understand why someone would call for my help, then not accept it. I was insulted. I was angry. I was drained. I was a "victim".

[Cat Familiar]

It is soo difficult to get out of the cycle, especially when the solution to the "victim"s problem is so obvious! I finally had to stop myself from spitting out an answer, or agreeing with him all the time to avoid an argument. It's like I'm Mars and he's Venus. The roles are reversed. He doesn't want someone else solving his problems, he just wants someone to listen. It takes practice (and loads of patience) to listen while he works through his feelings without my mind racing straight to the solutions and telling him what he should do! Or worse, taking it personally.

An amazing thing started happening though. When I really started to listen to him, I was less triggered by him. I simply let him process his feelings so he could solve his own problems. It took me a long time to understand why someone would call for my help, then not accept it. I was insulted. I was angry. I was drained. I was a "victim".

Yep. I'm also Mars and the husband is Venus. Good for you for figuring out you don't have to do anything, other than listen!