Tired of living for others: I want to be selfish

[Forestaken]

I've been on these boards for a long time.  Ended a severely abusive r/s with my Xw (dOCD+uBPD).  Ready to move on with my life.  Upon the advice from my T, I finally decided to do something for myself.  Take a dream trip. But then... .

Yesterday, I learned my elderly dad - has had 3 accidents - 1 person hurt - may lose his license.

BTW: my father left my family when I in my 1st year in college and I was conceived by my mother to return home and work/study locally.

I've been "the rock" for so many people in my life, I am tired of it.  My dad, Xw and others don't feel guilty when they think about themselves first.  Why can't I do that?

[Copperfox]

I've been "the rock" for so many people in my life, I am tired of it.  My dad, Xw and others don't feel guilty when they think about themselves first.  Why can't I do that?

This is a great question!  But I think the underlying, fundamental question is:  when you look at yourself, think about the way you live your life, the things you do, aspire to ... .are you proud of that person?  :)oes it reflect who you truly are, what you value?  When you pass from this world to the next, will you leave this one a better place then you found it?

I think there will always be people out there who try to take advantage of you, control you, etc.  It's unavoidable.  And certainly naive to think we shouldn't develop ways to protect ourselves from such people.  But at the same time, do we really want to be like them?  The world needs people like you - the givers, the builders, the "rocks".  Strength begets strength.

My experience with such people has definitely changed me, I'm sure just as its affected you.  For me, moving forward, the thing I am most committed is not becoming like them, or changing for the worse.  I feel like if I do, then BPD wins.  If I come out stronger, then perhaps maybe I lost the battle, but not the war.

Anyway, I think its good that you are doing things for yourself.  I don't think that means you need to become selfish, or always put yourself first.  Just have to find the right balance.

[billypilgrim]

I think another good question to ask yourself is "What do I get out of being other people's rocks?"  It certainly isn't all bad, otherwise you wouldn't have ended up that way.  You have been rewarded in some ways for being the rock for others.  What is it about that reward that makes you want to continue to repeat your behavior?

I also think it's important to not throw the baby out with the bath water.  Being a strong, steady figure in the lives of others is something that many people would cherish and appreciate. It's certainly a good quality to have.  The key is figuring out which people are genuine in their appreciation versus the people that made you find these boards.

[livednlearned]

Such a good question.

For me, I realized that I wasn't comfortable feeling negative feelings, and then became someone who didn't want to see others experience negative feelings. By negative, I mean: sadness, grief, loneliness, fear, pain.

It's like I took those feelings in myself and parked them in a lot somewhere off the property. I'm slowing getting them back, but it hasn't always been enjoyable. To be more comfortable letting other people feel difficult feelings, I had to learn to feel my own difficult feelings, and understand that even though they are painful, they're not the scary things I thought they were.

Your father has had 3 accidents and he drove anyway. If we constantly rescue people from their bad actions and feeling the consequences, they will repeat their mistakes. He's older, and not likely to change his ways, and maybe he will never learn. But these are his actions, his consequences.

I'm working on this with my own son (not BPD). Being so codependent, I wanted to prevent him from experiencing consequences so he didn't feel pain. But I'm beginning to learn that it's a different way to love him, to let him experience natural consequences. It teaches him that I know he is strong enough and resilient enough to handle his own mistakes. So often I would rescue him from something and he would end up angry with me. Why the anger, I used to think. Maybe because he feels that I don't believe he is strong enough to take care of himself.

It's a process though, to redirect this ship. I struggle to do this consistently, and my first instinct is always to take care of others. I don't think it's as easy as "do something for yourself" because if you feel guilty, it won't necessarily be enjoyable. But maybe for you, it's important to shock the system so to speak. Do something dramatically different, something you have never done before, and swing for the fences 

[Lucky Jim]

I like this question, too, because anyone who has been in a BPD r/s most likely has spent a lot of energy trying to avoid stepping on land mines with one's BPD SO.  I suspect that we Nons tend to take the explosions personally and accept responsibility for causing them, even though the rage was there long before we got into the picture.

No, I don't think there is anything wrong with honoring oneself.  In fact, I think that is the starting point for an authentic life.

Agree with LnL: do something you've always wanted to do and damn the torpedos!

LuckyJim

[propunchingbag]

Unless your trip is a really long one I would say go for it. Everything will be there waiting for you when you return.

On a side note: I have known a lot of people in my life. Some of them are what I would call "energy vampires".  There's a big difference between being a rock for someone versus having all your energy drained by one of these vampires. Think about what the motivation is, then make your decision if you will help them or not.

[cehlers55]

I've been on these boards for a long time.  Ended a severely abusive r/s with my Xw (dOCD+uBPD).  Ready to move on with my life.  Upon the advice from my T, I finally decided to do something for myself.  Take a dream trip. But then... .

Yesterday, I learned my elderly dad - has had 3 accidents - 1 person hurt - may lose his license.

BTW: my father left my family when I in my 1st year in college and I was conceived by my mother to return home and work/study locally.

I've been "the rock" for so many people in my life, I am tired of it.  My dad, Xw and others don't feel guilty when they think about themselves first.  Why can't I do that?

I think you should be focusing on yourself. Your needs. It is NOT being selfish to take yourself on a vacation. You deserve it. My last session with my T was kind of a check-up session, what I'm doing, how I'm feeling, etc. If what happened to you happened to me I would share it with him. Ask him if he thinks I should go on vacation or stay and rescue elderly dad again. I think he would say to go on vacation. If you rescue elderly dad now, you'll only be in this situation in another 6 months when he hits/hurts someone else with his car.

You deserve time. A vacation. Retreat. Whatever you call it. Do it 

[BuildingFromScratch]

I'm sorry you've made such sacrifices at the cost of yourself. It sounds like you feel very obligated, and like you would lose who you are if you didn't give into the obligation. I don't think you need to become selfish, although investing more into yourself and choosing to not give so much to these people, would probably be wise. It's important to regard yourself as much as others, not more or less. I hope you feel better.