Besides your ex who else has abandoned you?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It hit me like a ton of bricks when I was reading The Journey from Abandonment to Healing .

It isn't just my ex that I yearn for but several people I have lost along the last 8 years that are permanently gone from my life.

Both of my parents have passed. I was close to them. My dad died of cancer, mom of a heart disease, my best friend went back to drinking after 17 years of sobriety and moved to Hawaii, my husband and I divorced after 3 kids and a 22 year marriage, my kids left for college, lives of their own and my favorite neighbors moved 300 miles away. It makes you feel vulnerable, insecure and alone.

It is hard enough with an exBPD fiancé b/u but add the rest and old wounds start to surface and you look at life as temporary.

I know there is more for me on this earth but staying positive and working hard to heal sometimes surprisingly brings up more... .

Anyone else feel this way?

[downwhim]

It hit me like a ton of bricks when I was reading The Journey from Abandonment to Healing .

It isn't just my ex that I yearn for but several people I have lost along the last 8 years that are permanently gone from my life.

Both of my parents have passed. I was close to them. My dad died of cancer, mom of a heart disease, my best friend went back to drinking after 17 years of sobriety and moved to Hawaii, my husband and I divorced after 3 kids and a 22 year marriage, my kids left for college, lives of their own and my favorite neighbors moved 300 miles away. It makes you feel vulnerable, insecure and alone.

It is hard enough with an exBPD fiancé b/u but add the rest and old wounds start to surface and you look at life as temporary.

I know there is more for me on this earth but staying positive and working hard to heal sometimes surprisingly brings up more... .

Anyone else feel this way?

[Deeno02]

Yes. Dad left me, never saw him till I was 31. Kids in HS and College now. Wife took off with the family friend leaving me with two kids(on my birthday no less) after an 18 year marriage. After finally meeting my dad for the first time, a few years later, he killed himself(on our wedding anniversary), Grandmother passed on Xmas day same year, Mom never paid much attension to me growing up(only child), very needy(hence my problem with trying to repair the whole world), having to finally retire from the Navy after 26 years because I wasnt needed anymore, and culminating with this gf who just crushed the living ___ out of me with demands and neediness and emotional, mental and verbal abuse, that I couldnt keep up with although I tried and tried. So I guess Ive pretty much wandered the world alone and still do for the most part.

Friends do what they can, but Im odd man out. Third wheel. On top of beeing on dating sites where no one really seems very interested, like no one.

I feel so very alone. Sometimes I do wonder if anyone would really care if I was around or not. I guess they would when they needed something, as it seems thats all Ive been good for. And yes, I am in therapy and see a P and am on happy pills, but just dont seem to matter to anyone. Taken for granted and taken advantage of my whole life.

[downwhim]

Thanks Deeno for sharing that. Looking at the bigger picture helps to clarify. You sound like a great guy and some woman out there is missing out. I am on a dating site too and all I do is delete... .it is a waste of money because I won't even give anyone a chance. Not really ready I guess.

My heart goes out to you with all your loses.  . You do matter and we are all here for you. Your ex sounds super nutty and let the replacement deal with her demands and abuse!

[Deeno02]

Thanks Deeno for sharing that. Looking at the bigger picture helps to clarify. You sound like a great guy and some woman out there is missing out. I am on a dating site too and all I do is delete... .it is a waste of money because I won't even give anyone a chance. Not really ready I guess.

My heart goes out to you with all your loses.  . You do matter and we are all here for you. Your ex sounds super nutty and let the replacement deal with her demands and abuse!

Yeah, I did what I could for her and her 5 kids, downwhim. Took me 2 months to take the engagement ring back(she never knew I bought it, she dumped me before I could give it to her). It's cool. I'm taking it day by day as we all are!

[RedDove]

DownWhim, I also read The Journey from Abandonment to Healing and had the same realization!

My Mother was emotionally and physically abusive to me during my upbringing. Nothing I ever did was good enough, I wasn't good enough. When I cried or was upset, she told me to knock it off, stop being a weakling and to toughen up! I do believe niw that she has bipolar or borderline disorder. I was married young at the age of 23. Looking back I realize it was my escape from my Mother.

My Mother & Dad divorced 20+ years ago. She left to live with a step brother feom a previous marriage. She abandoned me, my brother and sister. Granted by then we were adults, grown with our own families. My husband cheated on me with another woman. We divorced 15 years ago. Luckily we did become friends and have successfully co-parented our son.

Finding this site and reading other books helped me a great deal. I've realized I'm the "Lonely Child". Which means I've spent most of my life trying to please everyone else, fulfilling their needs in an effort to be liked, loved and to avoid being not rejected or abandoned. I've been walking on eggshells all along! Never rocking the boat and afraid to express my needs, values or boundaries.

Interestingly enough the Lonely Child is the perfect match for the Abandoned Child (my ex BPDbf). When he idealized me I felt I had finally been accepted for "me". That he loved me unconditionally. He needed a caretaker to fulfill his needs. Well, that was me the "Lonely Child". When I ended our 4 year encounter due to uncovering his cheating back in June, he revealed he was borderline.

He recently broke NC and in one text he said that he missed the "best" parts of "us". When I asked what he meant, he said, "It was when your "main" concern was "my comfort"... .You made loving you easy." That hit me on the head like a ton of bricks, just like the book did for you! As soon as I started finally asking for "my needs" to be met, my ex BPDbf wasn't capable and that is where things broke down, he cheated with another (likely many) woman/women. I felt loved and on that pedestal in the idealization phase. But, when I tried to dive deeper with our connection, ask for my needs ro be met, and wanted deeper intimacy, he was incapable.

Yes I feel lonely a lot of the time and for the majority of my life. I'm close to my older sister and lucky to have her as a sister. I have one close friend I go out with occasionally to a movie, see a band, etc. My son is a teenager now and I've also experienced empty nest syndrome. Dating sites are awful, I agree! I tried and gave up! Oh, and I was laid off from my job in May. So, that felt like am abandonment as well. I loved my career and I'm still out of work. I just try to take it one day at a time, focus on the good in my life and the peace of not dealing with my ex BPDbf and his issues.

[Mutt]

I was abandoned at birth.

I wanted to look for my mother. I went online and found an adoption service and it took about a year and a half. She wanted to connect with me. I started about a year before my ex and found her while she was pregnant with D9. A couple of years later I took the family ( ex, SD8, D2) I went to Québec to meet all of my family, aunts, uncles and grandmother, my grandfather had passed. It was an exciting party and at the same time it was strange meeting family I had never know for 30 years. The reason why I wear the Québec flag in my signature is because I have found my roots.

I recall my grandmother whom I met for the first time at this party say in French "The lost grandson returns".

My won't speak of my biological father and I can tell she feels bad. She was young in school and partying and I told her I understand. I was young once too.

My adoptive mother always felt like my mom. She died of Hodgkins disease when I was 8 in 1983. She was sick for a year and half taking chemo therapy. It was difficult to watch your mom get progressively weaker and ill. I believe she's the person that instilled my positive qualities in me and taught me values. I miss her and think about her from time to time.

My dad has narcissistic traits, his mother has BPD traits. After my mom passed my dad was not home. I have a younger brother and sister. I recall feeling confused, hurt and missed my mom and we were shuffled around with nannies and family. It felt like an awful long time and around the year mark after my mom passed. My dad introduced us to our step mom and her kids.

To make a long story short. My dad had difficulties with my mom's death and was absent. I was angry and fought with my dad often. He was a strict disciplinarian and we weren't allowed friends. I felt like my dad didn't have attention for me and didn't want me around the house and on that same token, the house felt like a jail.

I'd sneak out and visit friends and come home to find that he'd lock me out. I'd sleep in the family van in our garage in -25c -13f weather. I'll never forget the family Aerostar, we had a space heater and I'd turn it on and try to go to sleep. I used to ask myself if any of my classmates are going through this. Perhaps some had it worse.

Not long after my 15th birthday my dad threw me out and I went into a foster home, followed by a couple of group homes until I was 16 and I quit school so I could work full time and I've lived on my own since. I went back to school and finished my grade 12 when I was 21 and later took some college.

10 years later, I met my ex wife. I had wanted to settle down, I was excited because of all of the malarkey I'd gone through in life. Start a family and have kids. 8 years later, I found myself abandoned again.

I had a girlfriend that I went out with for about a year and half. She started another relationship in our relationship and left and went NC. She cut out the bf before me as well. She was looking for a caretaker. She would self injure, she was emotionally immature, emotional blackmail, albeit not to the same degree as my ex wife. I haven't heard from her in 12 years. She had me blocked on FB for years and I checked awhile back and I'm not blocked, perhaps I'm not split black?

It's been two years after the split I put a profile up on dating sites and I don't pay it much attention. I went on one date and it was pleasant although we didn't sync ( it was my first date in 10 years   ) A good friend said that his T said you should look for someone with similar wounds. My kids are young and they require a lot of attention and time, I put my focus there.

[Turkish]

I was given up by my birth parents, both drug addicts, around 1. Then to my mother's parents (they had adopted her), then to foster care, after which my mom adopted me at 2.4yrs. My mom said I was withdrawn and a self-soother who would not seek comfort and surprisingly calm. I did, however, seem to bond to her quickly. Too bad she turned out to be BPD, but at least I was rescued from foster care.

My mom abandoned me in a way as I grew older, lost in her own mental illnesses. Parentified, some emotional incest, which are forms of abandonment. I still don't feel as connected to her emotionally as a child should to their mother though we get along fine now.

Mom/Dad-->Mom-->Ex.

And no, I don't paint all 3.5 billion women on the planet black as my Ex does to men. Maybe the best thing my birth mom (and dad) did was give me up. She OD'd when I was around 9. Growing up in that environment, and orphaned at that age, possibly, I may have turned out BPD myself.

[Pingo]

Downwhim, that was my exact experience reading that book and it was like a dark night of the soul for me. I realised I was utterly alone in the world.  I started to realise how many losses and rejections I had suffered over my lifetime and it was really difficult to acknowledge and feel.  It was like I was grieving them all at once.  Stuff I had forgot about or ran so far away from.  As hard as it was, it was necessary to integrate these losses into my story. I still have a long way to go.  It made me realise how much we really do need to be our best friend, advocate and care giver.  We need to find compassion and forgiveness for ourselves.  We are the only one that we can totally depend on. 

[downwhim]

Turkish and Mutt,

What devastating starts in this world. Look at you now. Both compassionate, loving people here to help others heal. That is the gift. You are the wounded healers and became this way through the very toughest of times. I personally am most grateful for your insight and desire to help others at a time when many of us want to give up.

I have raised three sons that I adore and even through a tough divorce and these last 8 years with BPD ex, my boys have been my focus. This is one area in my life that I get. Children need to know they are loved and I have given them all that I could. Thanks for reminding me that I have done one thing right  

[Fluff]

I think this is a very very very common pattern among us.

As for me my mother abandon me, left me with a drunk father to take care of. Later he died.

My therapist has made clear for me how strong the connection between my yearning for my mother and my yearning for my ex is. As well as how co-dependent traits was formed in my relation to my father.

[downwhim]

Fluff,

I am so sorry to hear about your abandonment.   :'(My dad was an alcoholic too. We all hid his addiction and made excuses for him. He was violent when he would drink and he and my mother would fight constantly. He hit her and our dog would go after him. All of this was painful stuff and where my co dependency started.

I think like you mentioned, we always strive for a mother's love. We had a big family and between my fathers drinking and all of us kids, my mother had little time to give us.  I realize now there was a lack of attention I needed filling up. That is why the idealization stage was so wonderful at the time for me.