Why do I feel the need to rescue?

[livednlearned]

Why do we feel the need to rescue? I understand that I have a tendency to do this, and that it was a big problem in my marriage.

Other people might've met my ex and thought, "Wow, that's a lot of hard luck. You've had a tough time. I hope you get a break and can start rebuilding your life."

But no, not me. I thought "Wow, people really hurt you. I would never do that to you because you're so wonderful. I'm going to be the first person to love you properly."

It barely registered that none of my efforts to rescue were effective. I just kept doing the same thing, over and over again, expecting different results. It wasn't until I started to understand boundaries -- really understand them -- that I realized I had this instinct or compulsion to rescue, even when it wasn't effective or safe for me to do so. I still struggle with this, although I'm doing a lot better.

What do you do when you feel the urge to rescue or fix? Do you recognize when it's happening? Are there times when it's ok to rescue? What's the hardest part about not rescuing someone when you feel the urge to?

[cehlers55]

I know what you mean. I too looked at someone wonderful who seemed so lovely, sweet, kind, funny and beautiful, who had a run of "hard luck" in relationships but even more so in life... .And i too sought to rescue. many many cycles of insanity from her and rescue attempts by me only contributed to the downfall and sour grapes.

I feel i might/could do it again. I'm a sucker for a pretty face. I saw so much potential in her, I ignored all sense of internal caution.

What do i do when i feel the urge to rescue or fix? I guess i look toward selfish interests. But not really all that selfish. Have you read "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud? Really puts in perspective a persons "over-active" do-goodedness and what you do not owe people. I really think that book would answer your questions. It has been a tremendous asset in my life, although it didn't help my situation with the uBPDxwife.

[EaglesJuju]

My need to rescue, fix, or help is an inherent personality trait.  Although my tendency to rescue, fix, or help is inherent, it became maladaptive. The maladaptive behavior originated in childhood, where I learned to be a "people pleaser" or "self-sacrificing" to appease others. I was taught that putting yourself first is "selfish." I did not want to be selfish, so I continued this behavior.

A lack of boundaries in my relationship exacerbated this trait and the majority of the time I would get angry or upset that I was constantly "self-sacrificing" and giving so much without getting the same amount reciprocated. My expectations of receiving the same amount back were unrealistic. My unrealistic expectations caused quite a bit of conflict in my relationship.

Also, constantly helping, rescuing, or fixing becomes mentally exhausting.

Through therapy and being more self-aware, I learned to establish boundaries, put my needs first sometimes, and to say no to things I do not want to do.  I still enjoy helping others, but I have stopped taking responsibility or "fixing" all of their problems. When someone asks me for help, I point them in the right direction and am supportive.  If I am getting drained from helping, I learned it is okay to take a step back and focus on myself; that does not make me selfish.

[JRT]

I would also argue that, at least for me, that the 'fixer' comes as a component to 'commitment'

[Turkish]

My T said that there is nothing wrong with being a Rescuer. It's just when we let those traits run amok and make poor choices that we have problems.

Rescuing can be a mercy that the world needs. Many professions are literally rescuer professions. As for me personally? I took pride (self-worth) in relating to (soothing) disordered or "lost" girls from a very young age. My boundaries lacked solidity.

I could relate it back to "that's all I ever knew growing up" and my BPD mom ensured that we usually hung around other people with problems. You don't know what you don't know. At this point, I feel the need to stay back and relax with myself, even if it means not being Mr. Nice Guy sometimes, or if some people may think I'm a jerk. No one actually says that, it could just be the punitive parental voice inside of me who wants to be nice and kind towards everyone. Again, there's nothing wrong at all with kindness, but it needs to be backed up by solid personal boundaries.

[fromheeltoheal]

There's a difference between rescuing and caring/helping.  I honestly don't think I have a desire to control, but I have an extreme desire to not be controlled, a component of the fierce independence inherent in my INTJ personality type.  So one way to not be controlled is to control.  And then there's the People Pleaser aspect; give someone something you want and hopefully they'll reciprocate, give to get, put someone else's needs first.  And then there's the self esteem issue; find someone more fcked up than me to rescue, to make me feel better about myself, sick sht that.  Plus, if I was to permanently fulfill the role of rescuer with someone, and they the rescuie, I would be in the one-up up position with them in the one-down, unless they're crafty and using their needs to control me, which is codependency.

Lotta crap going on there, but at least I'm aware of it.  Let's keep it simple: help and care about people, rescue them when they need it, let them rescue me when I need it, and develop 50/50 partnerships where control is not even a focus so one-up and one-down positions are irrelevant.  Hey, it's a goal, and it's easier to hit the target when you know what it looks like.

[livednlearned]

I think this really captures it for me, much as I hate to admit it:

"Being a caretaker can lead to a heady feeling of being a strong, wise, and needed person. Playing this role as a child can make you feel equal or even superior to the adults in the family. Unfortunately, being a caretaker means learning to be overly vigilant of the needs of others and pretty much ignorant of your own feelings, needs and reactions. But you may not even notice that since you are so focused on the BPD/NPD."

That's from an article by Randi Kreger: Are You An Emotional Caretaker

It's been challenging for me to not rescue. I love the feeling of being strong, wise, and needed, to be honest. It's strange to think that when I'm not rescuing, I feel weak, and sometimes I've even felt lost. But that's how I felt, especially in the beginning when I began to check myself. I had to start paying attention to the feelings that came up, both when I had the urge to rescue someone, and when I resisted those urges. They were pretty painful feelings.

Something else that Randi wrote, "You, however, see the clues but don't leave. Instead you feel drawn in, you may feel normal, you may feel the BPD/NPD needs you, and you may feel rewarded for your rescuer responsibilities. You feel a level of excitement and hope."

I'm not sure I felt excitement. I think I felt worth, like I had a purpose. I've seen people write a lot about whether their BPD ex loved them, but sometimes I wonder if I felt love. I believed it was love, but in the absence of being able to rescue my ex, I'm not sure I would've been as compelled to get involved with him. And if he didn't need me, maybe I would not have felt enough self-esteem.

Did anyone else feel that way?

[JRT]

I think this really captures it for me, much as I hate to admit it:

"Being a caretaker can lead to a heady feeling of being a strong, wise, and needed person. Playing this role as a child can make you feel equal or even superior to the adults in the family. Unfortunately, being a caretaker means learning to be overly vigilant of the needs of others and pretty much ignorant of your own feelings, needs and reactions. But you may not even notice that since you are so focused on the BPD/NPD."

That's from an article by Randi Kreger: Are You An Emotional Caretaker

It's been challenging for me to not rescue. I love the feeling of being strong, wise, and needed, to be honest. It's strange to think that when I'm not rescuing, I feel weak, and sometimes I've even felt lost. But that's how I felt, especially in the beginning when I began to check myself. I had to start paying attention to the feelings that came up, both when I had the urge to rescue someone, and when I resisted those urges. They were pretty painful feelings.

Something else that Randi wrote, "You, however, see the clues but don't leave. Instead you feel drawn in, you may feel normal, you may feel the BPD/NPD needs you, and you may feel rewarded for your rescuer responsibilities. You feel a level of excitement and hope."

I'm not sure I felt excitement. I think I felt worth, like I had a purpose. I've seen people write a lot about whether their BPD ex loved them, but sometimes I wonder if I felt love. I believed it was love, but in the absence of being able to rescue my ex, I'm not sure I would've been as compelled to get involved with him. And if he didn't need me, maybe I would not have felt enough self-esteem.

Did anyone else feel that way?

I could't have said it any better

[ADecadeLost]

What do you do when you feel the urge to rescue or fix? Do you recognize when it's happening? Are there times when it's ok to rescue? What's the hardest part about not rescuing someone when you feel the urge to?

I became aware of my lifelong tendency to rescue people sometime in the last few years.  By that point, I was so enmeshed with my ex that I couldn't really break the behavior with her.  On other fronts, however, this awareness has allowed me to recognize when my rescuer behavior is trigger and at least attempt to think before acting.  It doesn't mean I do not rescue, but I at least consider all the variables an potential repercussions in advance.  If the process of rescuing is not detrimental to myself, I'll likely still allow myself to fill the role.  If it's detrimental though, I make a point of forcing myself to not act on the urge.

The real challenge will be seeing how well I can control the urge when the time comes to re-enter the dating game.  Only then will I be able to truly tell if my previous attraction to women in need of a white knight has been controlled.

[Panda39]

My SO has an uBPDxw that's how I originally found myself here a part of this very diverse BPD Family.   

However, I have my own story too.  I was married to an alcoholic for almost 20 years so I know and freely admit I was a co-dependent enabler in that relationship.  But since being here and posting I have come to realize that I have rescued every serious boyfriend I've ever had.    I've had 5 serious relationships (1 year or longer) in my 51 years. 4 came from single mother households, 2 were abandoned/adopted, 1 I now suspect was BPD, 1 was physically abusive, 1 was an alcoholic, 1 had an alcoholic mother, and 1 has a uBPDxw.  I've always considered myself a nurturer which I have always felt was a positive. I have also felt that in spite of their various problems that all of the men in my life had "a good heart" and I now of course know that even though that might be true I wasn't necessarily in a relationship that was good for me.   Since being here I now see I have a life long pattern.  I too have been mulling over why this has been my way and to some extent still is.  I will say that I have over the last few years learned some lessons that have put me in the most healthy relationship I've ever been in... .in spit of his uBPDxw. 

5 years ago I had a breakdown... .that became a series of breakthroughs.  After coming out the otherside I came up with a list of lessons I learned.  Several relate to rescuing/co-dependent behaviors.

This was my list:

Love the people you love and express it so they know it.

Express what you feel no matter what you think other people will think

Stop trying to control everything you can't

Accept support form the people that care about you

Ask for help when you need it

Don't try to cover up things that are negative... .resolve or let them go

Be who you are... .don't let anyone devalue and the things that are important to you

Don't sacrifice yourself completely to the needs of others... .be a little selfish

Learn and try new things

Have fun and be silly

Be a good friend to others... .support those that support you

Listen

All the bolded items are all in response to my co-dependent/rescuer traits.  I still have the urge to rescue and do but with better boundaries around it than I used to.  What I'm trying to figure out is how did it all begin where does it come from.  I know it makes me feel good to do (up to a point) so I'm sure that's part of the compulsion but what's missing in me that is filled by doing this?

[Grey Kitty]

I'm probably more of a fixer than a rescuer.

One way I get around some of it is by realizing how invalidating it is. For example:

In my last MC session, the T was preparing homework for us--he was making a copy of an audio CD that he wanted us to listen to, and think about (and occasionally discuss). He is old enough that he didn't grow up with computers. [I am a geek who did grow up with computers] He was muttering a bit about how he was trying to figure out / remember how to do this. His computer screen was positioned so that I couldn't see anything of it. (fortunately) This took a while.

I caught myself WANTING to stand up, walk over, look at his screen and figure out how to get his computer doing what he wanted to do it.

I had some time to sit there and watch my own thoughts about this.

I knew how inappropriate it would be. I even knew it would be boundary busting behavior. I didn't do anything. But I did want to relieve him of the difficulty he was having figuring out his computer, either by showing him how to do something or by doing it for him.

[Grey Kitty]

Are there times when it's ok to rescue?

If you are dealing with a (relatively) emotionally healthy individual, one cue to watch for is whether you are asked for help, or whether you volunteer it.

I say emotionally healthy because some waif-ish or victim types may ask for help directly.

[Want2know]

My T said that there is nothing wrong with being a Rescuer. It's just when we let those traits run amok and make poor choices that we have problems.

It does seem to be about awareness - if you are aware you are rescuing or want to rescue, that's when it's important to sit back and understand the motive behind the need to do so.  I don't see anything wrong with helping someone out.  For me, I feel I am balancing my needs with others much better, but when it comes to the ones I love, it is more difficult.

Something else that Randi wrote, "You, however, see the clues but don't leave. Instead you feel drawn in, you may feel normal, you may feel the BPD/NPD needs you, and you may feel rewarded for your rescuer responsibilities. You feel a level of excitement and hope."

I'm not sure I felt excitement. I think I felt worth, like I had a purpose. I've seen people write a lot about whether their BPD ex loved them, but sometimes I wonder if I felt love. I believed it was love, but in the absence of being able to rescue my ex, I'm not sure I would've been as compelled to get involved with him. And if he didn't need me, maybe I would not have felt enough self-esteem.

Did anyone else feel that way?

It seems I tend to develop strong feelings for someone first, and then the rescuing comes into play.  I don't believe I chose someone or another because they needed to be rescued.  I initially chose them because they had some exciting qualities that I was drawn to.  When the rescuing starts, it can create a feeling of worth, because you think you are helping someone you care about.  That is a worthy thing.  It's when, as Turkish mentions, you start valuing someone elses needs over yours and make poor decisions because of it that needs to be looked at and addressed.  I'm not sure if it made me want to stay in the situations I've been in... .I was just looking to make the relationship work because I did feel I truly loved them.  Hindsight, ya know?  

[Turkish]

I "rescued" a pwBPD today. A very old friend, kind of like a sister whom I've know for 30 years. I brought her rent money. I had it. This will be the only time. I sat with her by the ocean for over two hours, my arm around her. We talked about a lot, and old times when we were kids. She's actually diagnosed with BPD (and other things). After all these years, there's still a mutual attraction, but we're two very different people. I gave her a chaste kiss goodbye, and she returned it, nothing more. I don't know why I did it (the monetery rescuing), but I did. I've done it before with others, and with my BPD mom. I did those things because I could, expecting no repayment. My T said, in regards to my uBPDx and my BPD mom, "sometimes the strong are chosen to protect the weak."  I get what he said, and in the end, it comes down to s an boundaries, and not making "covert contracts" to feel better about ourselves.

[livednlearned]

It seems I tend to develop strong feelings for someone first, and then the rescuing comes into play.  I don't believe I chose someone or another because they needed to be rescued.  I initially chose them because they had some exciting qualities that I was drawn to.  When the rescuing starts, it can create a feeling of worth, because you think you are helping someone you care about.  That is a worthy thing.  It's when, as Turkish mentions, you start valuing someone elses needs over yours and make poor decisions because of it that needs to be looked at and addressed.  I'm not sure if it made me want to stay in the situations I've been in... .I was just looking to make the relationship work because I did feel I truly loved them.  Hindsight, ya know?  

This is so true for me, W2K. All of the men in my life have been "chief" types who are very competent in one way or another. But at some point, there was a story or event in which he was portrayed as a victim, and I felt a switch turn on in me. "That other person hurt you, but I'm special and strong and won't do that and we'll fall even more deeply in love."

I definitely dealt with my family of origin dysfunction by investing a lot in the role of the "strong" child.

The big aha moment for me in thinking about this is recognizing that my narcissistic father, a very chauvinistic man, managed everything in our family by trying to turn off any emotional faucets. Any time there was anything remotely emotional or dramatic or based on feelings, he made sure it was handled in a way where the feelings were shut off. My mother was a constant crier and I viewed her as weak. So my dad managed our family in a way that made sure no one got my mom emotional. It never worked -- I realize now she was crying because of the way he managed things.

Often when I rescued people, I kinda did the same thing. I would rescue them thinking that this would prevent worse feelings from being felt.

[NYMike]

My need to rescue, fix, or help is an inherent personality trait.  Although my tendency to rescue, fix, or help is inherent, it became maladaptive. The maladaptive behavior originated in childhood, where I learned to be a "people pleaser" or "self-sacrificing" to appease others. I was taught that putting yourself first is "selfish." I did not want to be selfish, so I continued this behavior.

A lack of boundaries in my relationship exacerbated this trait and the majority of the time I would get angry or upset that I was constantly "self-sacrificing" and giving so much without getting the same amount reciprocated. My expectations of receiving the same amount back were unrealistic. My unrealistic expectations caused quite a bit of conflict in my relationship.

Also, constantly helping, rescuing, or fixing becomes mentally exhausting.

Through therapy and being more self-aware, I learned to establish boundaries, put my needs first sometimes, and to say no to things I do not want to do.  I still enjoy helping others, but I have stopped taking responsibility or "fixing" all of their problems. When someone asks me for help, I point them in the right direction and am supportive.  If I am getting drained from helping, I learned it is okay to take a step back and focus on myself; that does not make me selfish.

Wow  .This describes me and my whole life.I hope I can get to the other side of this with help in T.I am a sucker for a pretty woman that needs to be rescued.Thanks for this post.

[Want2know]

This is so true for me, W2K. All of the men in my life have been "chief" types who are very competent in one way or another. But at some point, there was a story or event in which he was portrayed as a victim, and I felt a switch turn on in me. "That other person hurt you, but I'm special and strong and won't do that and we'll fall even more deeply in love."

Good observation, LnL!

Thinking about it, I'm not sure that it was that I felt I was so special and strong.  It was more about me having compassion for their situation, and wanting to show them how their perspectives were skewed.  With healthy people, everyone has their moment of feeling low, and sometimes all it takes is a change of thinking/doing something to get you out of the funk.  With unhealthy people, this can be draining and distracting to our own goals, as these moments for them are so frequent.

It is about understanding, awareness and boundaries, as has been mentioned in this thread. 

Where I still have work to do is letting it go - not letting their problems rent space in my head.  I'm pretty solid about not actually doing the rescuing anymore, but turning off the thoughts about them on a daily basis is a hard thing to do.  That's where filling that space with other passions of mine is something I am starting to see is necessary.

[NYMike]

According to my T.

People that tend to save and rescue have ''control'' issues.

We also do it to feel good about ourselves.So I seem to get my ''self value''  AND ''self esteem'' from using sicker people to save and rescue.This is not the way to do it.

This behavior brings me a sense of control,leadership,self worth.I walk around like I am the king because look at what I am doing here.

I am thinking Martyr/Victim when it all blows up in my face.

Just some thoughts.

[livednlearned]

Thinking about it, I'm not sure that it was that I felt I was so special and strong.  It was more about me having compassion for their situation, and wanting to show them how their perspectives were skewed.

Do you think that you can feel compassionate for them at the same time you feel that you're special/strong? Only in retrospect do I see the special/strong part of my thinking. Like NYMike said, for me it brought me a sense of control, leadership, self worth. I was needed. It was like a whole bunch of tiny soldiers stood up and got ready to protect and serve. I can see now, in retrospect, how that kind of thing really hooked me. In my current relationship, I'm able to toggle the switch off if something flips it on.

With healthy people, everyone has their moment of feeling low, and sometimes all it takes is a change of thinking/doing something to get you out of the funk.  With unhealthy people, this can be draining and distracting to our own goals, as these moments for them are so frequent.

I believe back then that rescuing was my goal. Being with someone who felt victimized or who struggled to function in core ways was a pretty good match for what I brought to the table. That's how I defined love -- you be the victim, and I rescue you. That makes me "good." (Or special, strong, compassionate, etc.)

Where I still have work to do is letting it go - not letting their problems rent space in my head.  I'm pretty solid about not actually doing the rescuing anymore, but turning off the thoughts about them on a daily basis is a hard thing to do.  That's where filling that space with other passions of mine is something I am starting to see is necessary.

I swung the other way for a while, more toward flat-out avoidant behavior. I'm in a healthy relationship (secure attachment for the win!) although both of us have been very codependent in the past. It's been interesting because I see his fixer/rescuer stuff, and have to watch my own. I think there is another side to rescuing/fixing, which is letting other people take care of you. I seem to love it and resist it at the same time. Love it, because who doesn't want to have someone show kindness, thoughtfulness, and compassion? But also resist it because it can feel like he's trying to take something out of my hands while I'm working on it. As though I can't do it -- that's teaching me how it feels to be on the receiving end of codependence.

[apple2]

Why do we feel the need to rescue? I understand that I have a tendency to do this, and that it was a big problem in my marriage.

Other people might've met my ex and thought, "Wow, that's a lot of hard luck. You've had a tough time. I hope you get a break and can start rebuilding your life."

But no, not me. I thought "Wow, people really hurt you. I would never do that to you because you're so wonderful. I'm going to be the first person to love you properly."

It barely registered that none of my efforts to rescue were effective. I just kept doing the same thing, over and over again, expecting different results. It wasn't until I started to understand boundaries -- really understand them -- that I realized I had this instinct or compulsion to rescue, even when it wasn't effective or safe for me to do so. I still struggle with this, although I'm doing a lot better.

What do you do when you feel the urge to rescue or fix? Do you recognize when it's happening? Are there times when it's ok to rescue? What's the hardest part about not rescuing someone when you feel the urge to?

Hi,

I feel the same way to rescue him. I would recommand a book "stop caretaking the borderline". Then I understand myself more.

There are also traits of us to be a caretaker. It is good for us in life, but not really good for a borderline relationship.

I just decided to leave. And find back myself. Because my life was only about him, I got lost because of my love.

Caretaker is someone who believes logic can always win, who believes unconditional love can heal everything.

But we can't. That is the sad truth.

I would only go to the church, and pray for him. Otherwise, I can't do anything.

[Lucky Jim]

"Being a caretaker can lead to a heady feeling of being a strong, wise, and needed person. Playing this role as a child can make you feel equal or even superior to the adults in the family. Unfortunately, being a caretaker means learning to be overly vigilant of the needs of others and pretty much ignorant of your own feelings, needs and reactions. But you may not even notice that since you are so focused on the BPD/NPD."

Like how you put that, apple2.  It is a heady feeling to be the White Knight, at least temporarily.  I suspect that the need to caretake is tied in with low self-esteem, because we help others in order to feel good about ourselves and boost our own self-esteem.  Problem is, this is a shifting foundation on which to base one's self-worth.

LuckyJim

[Reforming]

Over the last couple of years I've become very aware that the urge to rescue and fix are strong traits of mine.

They shaped a lot of my behaviour and my choice of partner and friends.

Being around people who were damaged or dysfunctional, people who elicited or needed (at least to me) sympathy, support and guidance allowed me feel worthy, heroic and strong.

Being around healthier people would have been much more challenging to my self esteem. Rescuing was a defence mechanism that enabled me to avoid confronting myself and my own issues, which would have been painful and uncomfortable work that I wasn't willing to do.  

It is surprisingly habitual and I'm still working hard to fight the compulsion. Even now after some revelation from therapy or increased awareness I can still find myself fantasising how some insight I've learned could be applied to help fix a friend, family member or even my ex.

I've noted that my urge to rescue seems to be particularly triggered when I'm experiencing or aware of uncomfortable or painful feelings. It triggers something and my gaze automatically shifts outwards onto to others and their problems etc.

I have this image of myself as a cat on a hot tin roof

Being responsible for my own choices it hard and being present with feelings of grief, loneliness, is painful.

I have got better and as soon as I find myself trying to fix or rescue I stop and remind myself that my primary responsibility is to myself, that others are separate and deserve the space and oppertunity to live their own lives, make their own choices and find their own healing.

That trying to fix or rescue others is controlling, unhealthy and nearly always ends badly and that it keeps me stuck

I'm getting better, but it's up an uphill slog

Good top Lived...

Reforming

[going places]

What do you do when you feel the urge to rescue or fix? Do you recognize when it's happening? Are there times when it's ok to rescue? What's the hardest part about not rescuing someone when you feel the urge to?

What do I do when I feel the urge to rescue?

Sit down, thing logically not emotionally.

99 out of 100 times, after removing emotions and only thinking logically, I do not continue in rescue mode.

Do I know when it's happening?

Yes. When I start to get that "rush" or "heart gush".

That's when I shut down the 'feelings' and engage the brain.

Times when it's ok to rescue?

That 1 time out of 100... .and it makes logical sense; yes.

The hardest part of NOT rescuing when I want too?

1. The control. The feeling of control.

2. The ego rush. I may 'know' something about something, and want to badly for someone else to know that something... .and when I get to tell them show them that *I* know a better way, etc... .it's that ego rush. Almost like a power trip, but different. If I don't get to rescue someone else might... .and then they will get the credit, and I will look like a failure. That kind of ego boost.

3. Not having any drama in my life. If I am always in rescue mode, then there is ALWAYS drama in my life.

THE BEST THINGS ABOUT NOT RESCUING?

1. No drama to over work my adrenal glands / cortisol dump. Therefore my body actually gets to rest, my sleep is good, and my mind is not chronically a mess. Eliminating all the 'drama' (IE those who need 'rescued' has been AMAZING.

2. It's humbling. I have plenty of work to do on myself, and I am the only one who will stand before God and give an account; so I really need to focus on THIS GIRL!

3. Control is an illusion. It's like chasing the wind. The only think I truly have 'control' of is myself. My reactions, My actions, My choices.

Once I stopped trying to control the situation, people, circumstances, outcomes... .it has been liberating.

4. No, means no. Done, means done.

[Panda39]

Being around healthier people would have been much more challenging to my self esteem. Rescuing was a defence mechanism that enabled me to avoid confronting myself and my own issues, which would have been painful and uncomfortable work that I wasn't willing to do. 

Fear... .Thanks for articulating this for me.

I have got better and as soon as I find myself trying to fix or rescue I stop and remind myself that my primary responsibility is to myself, that others are separate and deserve the space and opportunity to live their own lives, make their own choices and find their own healing.

I still struggle with this but I too am getting better at seeing when it's happening and better at hearing feedback from other people about it (friends have actually pointed things out to me at different times)... .then letting things go that are not my responsibility.

[Reforming]

Being around healthier people would have been much more challenging to my self esteem. Rescuing was a defence mechanism that enabled me to avoid confronting myself and my own issues, which would have been painful and uncomfortable work that I wasn't willing to do.

Fear... .Thanks for articulating this for me.

I have got better and as soon as I find myself trying to fix or rescue I stop and remind myself that my primary responsibility is to myself, that others are separate and deserve the space and opportunity to live their own lives, make their own choices and find their own healing.

I still struggle with this but I too am getting better at seeing when it's happening and better at hearing feedback from other people about it (friends have actually pointed things out to me at different times)... .then letting things go that are not my responsibility.

I think we also rescue because at some deep level we want to be rescued ourselves.

I certainly had an idealised image of myself as altruistic, unselfish, but deep down there was an unrealistic expectation, even a demand that the person I was rescuing would reciprocate and rescue me.

At some deep level i was trying to surrender responsibility for myself and my life to someone else

I think I was always aware at some level that my focus on others was unhealthy, and evasive, but I now I realise that is also controlling.

It's much harder to rescue yourself. It's requires a willingness to look behind your idealised image of yourself and confront your own flaws and vulnerabilities.

In schema they describe the tendency to focus primarily on others and their needs as being other directed;

"Other-Directedness

(An excessive focus on the desires, feelings, and responses of others, at the expense of one’s own needs in order to gain love and approval, maintain one’s sense of connection, or avoid retaliation. Usually involves suppression and lack of awareness regarding one’s own anger and natural inclinations. Typical family origin is based on conditional acceptance"

The challenge for me now to be present with the vulnerable part of myself, recognise it's needs and treat them with compassion and empathy

Reforming

[Lucky Jim]

Being responsible for my own choices it hard and being present with feelings of grief, loneliness, is painful.

I have got better and as soon as I find myself trying to fix or rescue I stop and remind myself that my primary responsibility is to myself, that others are separate and deserve the space and oppertunity to live their own lives, make their own choices and find their own healing.

That trying to fix or rescue others is controlling, unhealthy and nearly always ends badly and that it keeps me stuck

Agree, Reforming.  Rescuing, I suspect, allows us to avoid confronting our own feelings of inadequacy.  Caretaking provides a socially-acceptable cover for us to hide from our own feelings, which are too painful to face.

LuckyJim

[NYMike]

What do you do when you feel the urge to rescue or fix? Do you recognize when it's happening? Are there times when it's ok to rescue? What's the hardest part about not rescuing someone when you feel the urge to?

What do I do when I feel the urge to rescue?

Sit down, thing logically not emotionally.

99 out of 100 times, after removing emotions and only thinking logically, I do not continue in rescue mode.

Do I know when it's happening?

Yes. When I start to get that "rush" or "heart gush".

That's when I shut down the 'feelings' and engage the brain.

Times when it's ok to rescue?

That 1 time out of 100... .and it makes logical sense; yes.

The hardest part of NOT rescuing when I want too?

1. The control. The feeling of control.

2. The ego rush. I may 'know' something about something, and want to badly for someone else to know that something... .and when I get to tell them show them that *I* know a better way, etc... .it's that ego rush. Almost like a power trip, but different. If I don't get to rescue someone else might... .and then they will get the credit, and I will look like a failure. That kind of ego boost.

3. Not having any drama in my life. If I am always in rescue mode, then there is ALWAYS drama in my life.

THE BEST THINGS ABOUT NOT RESCUING?

1. No drama to over work my adrenal glands / cortisol dump. Therefore my body actually gets to rest, my sleep is good, and my mind is not chronically a mess. Eliminating all the 'drama' (IE those who need 'rescued' has been AMAZING.

2. It's humbling. I have plenty of work to do on myself, and I am the only one who will stand before God and give an account; so I really need to focus on THIS GIRL!

3. Control is an illusion. It's like chasing the wind. The only think I truly have 'control' of is myself. My reactions, My actions, My choices.

Once I stopped trying to control the situation, people, circumstances, outcomes... .it has been liberating.

4. No, means no. Done, means done.

Wow.!... This is me all my life.I am in T working on all of this.Thank You for this perfect insight.If I had a printer,i would print this out and put it on my Fridge.

[livednlearned]

This whole post is so helpful. Thank you everyone.

Reforming, this has given me a lot to think about:

I think we also rescue because at some deep level we want to be rescued ourselves.

I felt the whole ground shift when I slowed down to consider this. What I'm wondering is if the deal had to involve co-rescuing. Because I can think of a lot of healthy men that passed through my life and they weren't broken enough for me, even though maybe they could've rescued me. I think I needed someone equally in need of fixing so that I didn't lose that sense of being strong. That seemed to be an important dynamic, looking back.

[JRT]

This whole post is so helpful. Thank you everyone.

Reforming, this has given me a lot to think about:

I think we also rescue because at some deep level we want to be rescued ourselves.

I felt the whole ground shift when I slowed down to consider this. What I'm wondering is if the deal had to involve co-rescuing. Because I can think of a lot of healthy men that passed through my life and they weren't broken enough for me, even though maybe they could've rescued me. I think I needed someone equally in need of fixing so that I didn't lose that sense of being strong. That seemed to be an important dynamic, looking back.

I think that there is some element to truth in this as it relates to me as well... .but isn't that the case for all of us? Aren't we all looking for a safe harbor, unconditional love? Is fixing someone a flaw of sorts or is it a a conditioned social moray?

[livednlearned]

Aren't we all looking for a safe harbor, unconditional love? Is fixing someone a flaw of sorts or is it a a conditioned social moray?

I think it's a matter of degrees. I remember reading somewhere that we either focus on others at the expense of ourselves, or we focus on ourselves at the expense of others. What we're ultimately going for is a constant, dynamic balance somewhere in the healthy zone between the two. Sometimes, I focus on myself at the expense of others. Sometimes I focus on others at the expense of myself. When I was with N/BPDx, I focused on him at the expense of myself (and my son) all the time. I tended to be this way in my family, and also with friends.

But now it's not just all one way, or mostly one way. It's a mix.

It's also interesting for me now because I can see that I played the rescuer role a lot of times in the Karpmann drama triangle, and that really sucked. And it never fixed anything anyway. I'm trying to play more of the coach role (from The Empowerment Dynamic or TED model), and that seems to fulfill some of my instincts to rescue without letting myself be drawn into the drama stuff.

So fixing someone does feel like a flaw, at least the way I did it. But coaching someone, which seems like a combination of positive rescuing + boundaries, that feels like a social moray.