How did you tackle NC?

[Ezra]

Hi All

My ex and i have been over now for nearly 5 months. There was back and forth a bit in the beginning - mainly from me, as usual in the cycle of trying to 'fix' whatever it was that i had done to cause her to break up with me yet again (6 years of this!).

We havent spoken in a month, however i still check her social media etc. I am blocked on all this however i know a password to log in. I KNOW the best thing to do is to go NC and that incldues social media, i just have such a tough time letting go. It doesnt help me when i look at her things because as her last post says 'she spent 6 years in a relationship miserable and she is so happy being alone, and is 'happy as fu@#'.

I suppose i only look to 1. stay connected, 2. see if she is dating anyone and 3. im looking for any sign of her being unhappy/or missing me. However, i realise i cannot simply go on like this. it upsets me each time and doesnt help me to move forward. I have given myself the deadline of 1 Feb and from that date i am going to do my best to go NC 100%.

So i ask you, how did you stop yourself from looking at social media? Or is this an uphill battle i am facing? I know its easier said then done, but any advice the family has is so very much appreciated.

[fromheeltoheal]

So i ask you, how did you stop yourself from looking at social media?

Anger.  I absolutely hated her for what she'd "done" to me and wanted to kill her, although of course I was a willing volunteer and could have walked at any time.  We have mixed feelings coming out of these relationships, obviously, otherwise this site wouldn't be necessary, and the anger was enough to sway the balance in my favor, and after the first week I haven't looked at any of her social media or her website.  At first I was proud of myself for my resolve, now I just don't care.

Gotten pissed off lately?  Anger can be your friend right now.

But anger is unsustainable and exhausting, so while you're at it, start to shift the focus from her to you and from the past to the future.  Obsession with a mentally ill person is an addiction, and your ability to become addicted to someone like that was there long before you met her; think about it: if an emotionally healthy person witnessed one piece of bullsht behavior from a borderline they'd walk away immediately.  We didn't.  It's not for me to say you're not emotionally healthy, but think about that.  Anyway, as long as you're focusing on her you can't focus on you and the underlying reasons why the obsession continues after 5 months, and you can stay there as long as you want, but the healing happens when you make you job one and not focus on her or the relationship at all.

How badly do you want to get over her and move on?

[Tim300]

Fear.

Fear that she would kill me or otherwise try to destroy my life.  My pwBPD got very threatening at the end.

[hope2727]

Friends. Read its called a breakup because its broken and then get a breakup buddy. I call or text or email mine whenever I feel the need to reach out to him. I gave my phone to a friend overnight. I handed my laptop to someone when I wasn't actually studying or working. I told staff at work to forbid me computer access. Nine months out I am finally starting to find my anger. But I am not that good at anger so mostly I am sad,  a but mad and very tired but slowly learning to laugh again.

[raisins3142]

Install software that allows you to block any website, such as facebook.  Have someone you trust enter the password for this software and tell them they can't give it to you, etc for 6 months.

I do a bit of digging, but I have largely started to stop myself.  If you literally can't stay away and this obsession is harming you perhaps consider the drastic measures I mentioned before.  I once had software that only allowed me to visit youtube etc after 9 pm because it was starting to interfere with my productivity.  There is no shame in doing any of this if it is what you need.

[Mutt]

Attachment styles developed in early life can effect on how we cope with break-ups later in life.

For example partners with caregivers that fostered trust and gave the sense that they were present are more likely to be attentive with their significant other feeling and be less hurtful and clue them in to changes with their emotional needs.

On the other side of the coin, partners that had parental inconsistencies in their early years are more susceptible to defunct patterns in relationships and rather than go through the pain they would rather hang-on.

This is an attachment style that I can relate with in my relationships, wanting to avoid the loss of the relationship. Shortly after the break-up and several weeks leading afterwards the are biological changes in areas of the brain that are reminiscent to that if a drug user going through withdrawals.

Ways to speed up the recovery process of a break-up are accepting that the relationship is over and don't protest it with your partner.

Abstain from communication with the dumpee and  throw out reminders like cards and letters.

Don't attempt at trying to win your ex back or beg to resume the relationship. Don't waste time with vilifying your ex and plotting revenge there could be a chance that this may back fire and make you look bad.

Most and if not all members on this board can attest how painful a break-up can be.  The pain is just short of losing a family member or loved one.

What's important is to not avoid the pain and to go through it. The sooner you face it, the sooner you process it. I hope that helps.

[Inside]

She’s not happy living alone, just acting.  All my uBPDxgf’s r/s’s ended fairly soon.  She’d told me she’d spent years alone.  Looking, but very alone.

We don’t have to settle for that, but we do have to heal…  I’ve found my healing process (over a year out now) is setback any and every time I check up on her in any way.  We’ve had no friendly contact or correspondence, and after 7 recycles, I’d finally concluded it just can’t happen again ... .doesn't mean I don’t miss her, just that I can’t ever let it ever happen again.  Being convinced of that helps... .

The weird thing is, they’re never done with us, because they can never stick with anyone else - they’re always ‘out there,’ or up for grabs.  Hopefully, we’re not!  I’m not currently taken, and still feel as though I’m healing, but I’m not pretending ‘everything’s great!’  It’s a deep wound… and will likely leave an ugly scar, but that’s something we’ll learn to live with.

Time, healthy distractions, some thoughts - but always balanced with the ugly reality help.  I suspect finding another lover will eventually erase the pain, but admit that I’m a bit reluctant to make another mistake…  Honestly, I think learning to be happy with yourself, family and friends is the best method to heal.  And we won’t be faking happiness, we don’t have to

[Inside]

Obsession with a mentally ill person is an addiction, and your ability to become addicted to someone like that was there long before you met her; think about it: if an emotionally healthy person witnessed one piece of bullsht behavior from a borderline they'd walk away immediately.  We didn't.  It's not for me to say you're not emotionally healthy, but think about that.

... .and that’s why I usually answer first - then read the responses ... .cuz often times I can’t sum it up any better than that…

So we’d best work on becoming emotionally healthy ... .if I can live that long

[Infared]

Anger, acceptance and self love.

Mine duped me and ran off with new supply saying that there was no one.

After the initial shock I worked hard to find the REAL truth and somehow to face it and accept it.  It was a process... .I had such shock and disbelief. Her telling lie, after lie after lie. Slowly I got on the page and accepted who she was based on her actions not her words. Painful stuff when you love someone as much as I loved her. I was looking for morsels to find something to say it wasn't so.  I truly had to accept that the relationship was done in my heart, totally by her doing. ... .and the sick thing was... .with words and some actions she was still throwing me morsels to keep me engaged ... .I HAD to get deeply honest and look at her overall actions.

Once I finally got there a rage kicked in in me that I have never known... .I got into therapy to manage that... .and then, I find this to be an extremely twisted and sick reality with the victims of BPD's, since she was living with new supply (immediately), but still giving me words, drive-byes etc. to keep me hooked, "I" had to decide that "I" had to be the one to actually close the door on the relationship. She certainly wasn't going to. Twisted, painful stuff. Brutal.

Once I got to that point (me in deep depression BTW)... I focused all my anger on her lies and her cheating and I went absolute, total NC. It was that hardest thing that I ever had to do with someone that I loved so much. I had to be the one to ACTUALLY end the relationship for ME. Something that I never wanted or could have imagined. Tough stuff.

It took a commitment deep down in my heart. It took a lot of self love.  I had to get totally committed to helping me. In your case focus on the statement she made that she was miserable for 6years and is so happy being alone. Get angry and stop contacting her or looking her up because you are hurting you. Get rid of anything associated with her that you own. I found that any contact with mine was like sticking a knife in my throat. It was godawful. I got suicidal almost from the shock and the pain.

I like raisins comment about the software. Sometimes you have to fake it till you make it, but taking that action may help set your commitment with yourself. ... but remember... .you have to accept at a very deep level that the relationship is over.and that you are done. FOR YOU.

Then you can start to heal.

[antonio1213]

I have been NC since the day she left, she has reached out to me a little bit but I never responded. At first I was NC because I was so hurt I couldn't even talk to her. And Social Media is hell I would suggest you to BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK DELETE DELETE DELTE Everyone who reminds you of your ex or is good friends with your ex or even if there is a possibility they would tag your ex in something.

Then I was NC bc of anger. This is the best one to use for NC. Anger can make you do stupid things so wield it wisely. But every time she would try to contact me I would ignore it. It felt good giving her no power and making her know I was done with her.

Now after 4 months I am seeing clarity and am NC because I legitimately don't want her in my life. I don't want the drama filled, anger filled, hateful, emotional roller coaster I called a r/s anymore. Even if we are friends.

And I am moving on. It is the best feeling to finally move on.

Also get ready for her to talk immense crap about you to her friends, family, everyone!

[Heldfast]

Infrared, it's like you're telling me your story. Mine is still denying she's on to the new guy even though she flew across country to be with him within two weeks of breaking off our two and a half year relationship, and engagement. She'd have been there sooner, but he was off on a cruise. The first day he was physically available, she got on a plane and flew cross country. She's already been with him, she's now moving across country, moving in with him, and still denies it. And in emails to friends she describes this guy as her newly emerging best friend, a protector, the only one who really understands her... .but again, denies she's going to Seattle for him. She just happened to choose Seattle, in the winter, with no job there. And again, she's just going to be "living with a friend for a few weeks while finding her own space." It's all lies. So yeah, no contact, because the rest is just watching a slow motion train wreck.

[Infared]

Infrared, it's like you're telling me your story. Mine is still denying she's on to the new guy even though she flew across country to be with him within two weeks of breaking off our two and a half year relationship, and engagement. She'd have been there sooner, but he was off on a cruise. The first day he was physically available, she got on a plane and flew cross country. She's already been with him, she's now moving across country, moving in with him, and still denies it. And in emails to friends she describes this guy as her newly emerging best friend, a protector, the only one who really understands her... .but again, denies she's going to Seattle for him. She just happened to choose Seattle, in the winter, with no job there. And again, she's just going to be "living with a friend for a few weeks while finding her own space." It's all lies. So yeah, no contact, because the rest is just watching a slow motion train wreck.

Yeah... .get this one... .a whooper... she was living with the guy the day she moved out... (of course lying to everybody as her parents loved me so it would be too shameful to tell anyone... .YET).

Two months in she says she is living with the guy because he had a fire in his apt. and had nowhere to go.  They actually think this stuff up and believe it's credible. LOL. The only fire involved was the one in their their pants!   ... and you know what's funny... .she can't imagine why I don't want to talk to her? Is that giant ego... .or just loopy insanity?

[myself]

Stopping checking social media can be done cold turkey, if you know for sure you're really done. It often takes some time to get to that point though. Or you could set limits on how often you check, say once a day or twice a week, whatever works for you to get your 'fix'. Eventually you'll find you're either too hurt by what you see, and will stop as a way to protect yourself from that and heal/move on, or you'll get bored, disgusted, etc. and it'll naturally taper off that way. Many of us here have felt the need to look at our ex's stuff to find further proof that our decision to not be in the r/s anymore is sound. It takes different things to open different eyes. Once that happens, letting go is the best thing to do. We all get there when we get there, and it's personal to each of us, there's no one answer to this.

[charred]

Stopping checking social media can be done cold turkey, if you know for sure you're really done. It often takes some time to get to that point though. Or you could set limits on how often you check, say once a day or twice a week, whatever works for you to get your 'fix'. Eventually you'll find you're either too hurt by what you see, and will stop as a way to protect yourself from that and heal/move on, or you'll get bored, disgusted, etc. and it'll naturally taper off that way. Many of us here have felt the need to look at our ex's stuff to find further proof that our decision to not be in the r/s anymore is sound. It takes different things to open different eyes. Once that happens, letting go is the best thing to do. We all get there when we get there, and it's personal to each of us, there's no one answer to this.

Well put.

I found mindfulness helped to stop ruminating about the past and worrying about the future. So long as I had a small sliver of hope that somehow the r/s would work out after all... .I would peek at FB... and regret it, or see the texts she had sent or read the emails. Wish I could say that the first time I ended it was the last time, but it wasn't, I was pulled back in a few times.

She got with another guy after I dumped her... like the next day... and did all the holidays pics of them with everything great, then pics of them together at a sports stadium near where I live (200 miles from where she lives)... and it hurt seeing it, because I still had a delusional hope of getting the "wonderful her" that only existed in my mind back... someday.

Then the pics were suddenly gone and she was asking for support from her friends in her time of need... help with the procedure she was going to have done, etc. and I bit... I contacted her. Found out she got an STD from the new wonderful guy she had unprotected sex with the day she me, he dumped her, telling her she was a flake, and then... .she wanted ME to be supportive while she had some laser surgery for it. Finally it was enough of a slap in the face for me to snap out of my stupid self-delusional hope based evasion of reality. Accepting that she was disordered, was always going to be either faking caring deeply about me, or really being hateful with me... was going to keep being the toxic horrible person my blinders from putting her wrongly on a pedestal had kept me from believing. She was a mess, and radically accepting that she was, is and would be going forward ... .no miracle cure was going to bring back the 18 months of idealizing (of the 4 yrs total time I spent with her scattered out of 30 yrs).

I blocked her on all of everything, including FB, got rid of mutual FB friends, blocked any public FB info, and pretty well stopped posting anything on FB. After a month it was hard to keep to not looking to see what she was doing or posting, after two it was less hard, and now at 2+ yrs... it isn't hard anymore. I finally truly accept it will never work and I will never give it "one more chance."

The hard part of the breakup is that the attachment with the pwBPD is way too deep, it is like a primary r/s with a parent (due to the mirroring and love bombing that is like a mother's unconditional love for an infant)... and we unknowing start relating from a parent-child position. When they get mad at us, instead of holding our ground (like we do with 99.9% of rest of the population)... we bow our heads, take it and feel like we were at fault. We feel upset like a little kid arguing with them, it is WAY too emotional, and when they leave we are crushed... just like a kid reacts. The breakup feels like the perfect parent died. All of it is ego driven emotionalism... and giving up the hope that we will go back to that idealized safe wonderful feeling we had with them early on... is very hard to do.

I forced myself to stay away from my toxic NPD father years ago, and have been LC with my mother for nearly 40 yrs now... as she is waif BPD. Splitting with my exBPDgf was harder, and staying NC is hard, but when you keep your thinking in the here and now, the fog lifts and you can see how disordered they are, and toxic... and accept reality... now hold out the kind of hope a bankrupt person has that a lottery ticket will turn things around for them. It could turn around, but don't bet on those million to one odds.

[christin5433]

So i ask you, how did you stop yourself from looking at social media?

Anger.  I absolutely hated her for what she'd "done" to me and wanted to kill her, although of course I was a willing volunteer and could have walked at any time.  We have mixed feelings coming out of these relationships, obviously, otherwise this site wouldn't be necessary, and the anger was enough to sway the balance in my favor, and after the first week I haven't looked at any of her social media or her website.  At first I was proud of myself for my resolve, now I just don't care.

Gotten pissed off lately?  Anger can be your friend right now.

But anger is unsustainable and exhausting, so while you're at it, start to shift the focus from her to you and from the past to the future.  Obsession with a mentally ill person is an addiction, and your ability to become addicted to someone like that was there long before you met her; think about it: if an emotionally healthy person witnessed one piece of bullsht behavior from a borderline they'd walk away immediately.  We didn't.  It's not for me to say you're not emotionally healthy, but think about that.  Anyway, as long as you're focusing on her you can't focus on you and the underlying reasons why the obsession continues after 5 months, and you can stay there as long as you want, but the healing happens when you make you job one and not focus on her or the relationship at all.

How badly do you want to get over her and move on?

Well said. Seriously I feel like I'm going thru a heroin withdrawl not that I know what that feels like. But I can tell you it does feel like a addiction it's been over a month and I am in and out of the feelings especially anger and depression. But I think I'm gonna be ok I'm at least telling myself I don't want the r/s anymore. I'm beginning to see it was not fixable and all the info I've read and similar stories validates my truth . But withdrawling from something that was your life and its all u have known. Somewhere you bargained with this disorder and bought into it. I kept myself fixing and keeping us normal. Then they go. It's a process ... it's a addiction to the fixing a disordered person .

[Splitblack4good]

My ex BPD gf were in LC for 2 months after the break up a few texts and out the blue calls  mostly hate and projection blame from her then a little bit of shame and regret from her after being with my replacement for 6 weeks it's funny she went from rubbing my replacement in my face after the break up and telling me she never wants to hear from me again to slowly then ring me out the blue Xmas eve and tell me that she wants to get on with me and no hard feelings started crying after wishing me a merry Xmas then silence for 2 weeks after she ignored my text Xmas day so I went NC then after new year I got a call from a withheld number during the day so I answered it was her ! She was blaming me for some drama that's happened since we split up but calmly told her I do not wish to know or take blame for her falling out with all her freinds ( she fell out with them all one by one over different reasons mostly her being her and not taking responsibility for her actions ) then told me she didn't want to be freinds with me and can't forgive me for the break up and to leave her alone so I left her alone and went NC again please bear in mind when I say NC I don't mean to heal etc as I wanted to stay in contact as I hadn't detatched yet but was goin along with what she wanted and that was to leave her alone . A week passes and I found out she cheated on me while we were  still together that hurt big time but at first I thought better of it to text her and tell her I know and how hurt this has made me so I left it as thought what's the point if she replys she will deny it and get more hateful things hurled at me and even more lies . I held it in for a week but I was so angry at her and really hurt for the first time since the break up I text her telling her I know she cheated and that she is never to contact me or come near me again ! At first she denied it and got hateful stuff said as predicted then I worded my reply and the facts and truths about the circumstances that she cheated I got no reply then an hour later she sent this ( you all win ok I am alone now good bye ) I'm assuming the shame and guilt at that point was to much I didn't reply and since then I went NC to heal and focus on me as cheating was the one thing that killed me inside and decided I want this women gone from my thoughts and heal . That was 17 days ago 3 days after I went NC I had a call from a withheld number I didn't answer it I had a feeling it was her but  couldn't be sure. Then 3 days ago I noticed she had unblocked me on what's app but did not respond then the same day she was with my replacement round a mutuel freinds house and Said this in front of my replacement ( tell c**** to stop texting and calling me we are over and the sooner he gets this the better his number is blocked and staying that way !)it was all lies as I had gone NC  she said this knowing it would get back to me to bait me into texting her and react but I didn't do so . Then tonite at 1.30 am I got a call from withheld number didn't answer it then 10 mins later another call ignored it then 15 mins later a text from her ! I should of deleted it without reading it so I in a way broke NC it was a text her blaming me for 2 of her ex freinds that are now her enemies that are after her for ther own reasons went to her house and picked a fight with her and she said in the text it was my  fault ?  What the heck how she can blame me is unreal and CRAZY but then I thought again just to bait me into a reply I ignored it 10 mins later another asking why I had not replied and it's my fault ! Again I ignored it . Then an hour passed and another call again I ignored it then straight away 3 calls in a row all ignored then she gave up so I thought ! And hour passed and got a text that said this ( don't ignore me you coward ! ) so again i ignored it

Ten mins later got a final text that said ( sorry I just thought you should know they started on me ) talk about crazy making ! I'm still abit conffused at that desperate attempt of contact that went on till 4 am in the morning ! Can only assume my replacement was asleep and the fact I had no idea what she was talking about regarding her ex freinds and how she could try to blame me for it is unreal ! It appears she made up such crazy accusations just to get me to reply is this normal for pwBPD ?

[Trog]

Just not curious! I know all the fake that went into social media, all the fake that went into any gathering where she would rage at me all the way in the car and walk into friends house as if nothing had happened and I was expected to pretend all was OK. Why would what she posts now be any different?

I feel quite lucky reading these boards that I am not a curious person, I am not jealous of her relationships or close to her friends and family and thank goodness.

I don't like my ex not respect her values ... .Not gonna waste time reading her fake crap!

[Infared]

My ex BPD gf were in LC for 2 months after the break up a few texts and out the blue calls  mostly hate and projection blame from her then a little bit of shame and regret from her after being with my replacement for 6 weeks it's funny she went from rubbing my replacement in my face after the break up and telling me she never wants to hear from me again to slowly then ring me out the blue Xmas eve and tell me that she wants to get on with me and no hard feelings started crying after wishing me a merry Xmas then silence for 2 weeks after she ignored my text Xmas day so I went NC then after new year I got a call from a withheld number during the day so I answered it was her ! She was blaming me for some drama that's happened since we split up but calmly told her I do not wish to know or take blame for her falling out with all her freinds ( she fell out with them all one by one over different reasons mostly her being her and not taking responsibility for her actions ) then told me she didn't want to be freinds with me and can't forgive me for the break up and to leave her alone so I left her alone and went NC again please bear in mind when I say NC I don't mean to heal etc as I wanted to stay in contact as I hadn't detatched yet but was goin along with what she wanted and that was to leave her alone . A week passes and I found out she cheated on me while we were  still together that hurt big time but at first I thought better of it to text her and tell her I know and how hurt this has made me so I left it as thought what's the point if she replys she will deny it and get more hateful things hurled at me and even more lies . I held it in for a week but I was so angry at her and really hurt for the first time since the break up I text her telling her I know she cheated and that she is never to contact me or come near me again ! At first she denied it and got hateful stuff said as predicted then I worded my reply and the facts and truths about the circumstances that she cheated I got no reply then an hour later she sent this ( you all win ok I am alone now good bye ) I'm assuming the shame and guilt at that point was to much I didn't reply and since then I went NC to heal and focus on me as cheating was the one thing that killed me inside and decided I want this women gone from my thoughts and heal . That was 17 days ago 3 days after I went NC I had a call from a withheld number I didn't answer it I had a feeling it was her but  couldn't be sure. Then 3 days ago I noticed she had unblocked me on what's app but did not respond then the same day she was with my replacement round a mutuel freinds house and Said this in front of my replacement ( tell c**** to stop texting and calling me we are over and the sooner he gets this the better his number is blocked and staying that way !)it was all lies as I had gone NC  she said this knowing it would get back to me to bait me into texting her and react but I didn't do so . Then tonite at 1.30 am I got a call from withheld number didn't answer it then 10 mins later another call ignored it then 15 mins later a text from her ! I should of deleted it without reading it so I in a way broke NC it was a text her blaming me for 2 of her ex freinds that are now her enemies that are after her for ther own reasons went to her house and picked a fight with her and she said in the text it was my  fault ?  What the heck how she can blame me is unreal and CRAZY but then I thought again just to bait me into a reply I ignored it 10 mins later another asking why I had not replied and it's my fault ! Again I ignored it . Then an hour passed and another call again I ignored it then straight away 3 calls in a row all ignored then she gave up so I thought ! And hour passed and got a text that said this ( don't ignore me you coward ! ) so again i ignored it

Ten mins later got a final text that said ( sorry I just thought you should know they started on me ) talk about crazy making ! I'm still abit conffused at that desperate attempt of contact that went on till 4 am in the morning ! Can only assume my replacement was asleep and the fact I had no idea what she was talking about regarding her ex freinds and how she could try to blame me for it is unreal ! It appears she made up such crazy accusations just to get me to reply is this normal for pwBPD ?

One thing that you can be sure of... .EVERTHING is your fault. 

[cloudten]

I am entering into NC now... .crying. Like a stupid pavlovs dog... .every time my phone goes off my heart palpitates. i don't want to NC, but i seriously don't know any other way.

In the past it has been me driving past his house. His office is literally right around the corner from my house, I cannot avoid it... .so I have panic attacks every time I drive past. What if he sees me? What if i see him? What if I see him with someone else? If i block him, he just finds ways around. And frankly, if i block him, then i fear I will miss genuine threats to my security and that of my daughter.

I don't know how to not obsess. He is like a heroin addiction- i love him. i miss him already and its been like 3 minutes. i don't want to live my life without him, but it will never work with him.

[cloudten]

i seriously do not know how i will survive this

[JRT]

You will!

Convince yourself of the truth: this was NOT your fault... .NOTHING that you could have done or said could have changed the outcome - it was rigged against you at the very moment that you both met.

There is a lid for every pot, this one was not yours even though it may have felt like it, so did mine. Yours is out there waiting for you... .sitting at home and sad that they are single... .you need to go our and find that person but you need to go through the process of attaching from this unhealthy relationship... .KEEP BUSY... .EXERCISE... .read these discussions and related articles... .contribute... .ask questions and get advice, there is no wrong this to say here. It will pass I promise you!

[Infared]

i seriously do not know how i will survive this

I have been where you are and I was as bad or worse... and I am a man.   You are not over exaggerating and I know exactly how you feel.  :)o your very best with no contact... .if you crack... forgive you and get back on the pony and ride.  Surround yourself with a much support as you possibly can ... .and make a commitment to take care of YOU!... .if for no other reason right now is that your daughter really really needs you and loves you.  Try to focus on that... .huge plus for you right now.

You CAN get through this... .go slow... .and be easy on yourself.   Its probably the toughest pony you ever rode... .but you can do this... .

[fromheeltoheal]

i don't want to live my life without him, but it will never work with him.

I know, it sucks, that contradiction, those mixed, intense feelings, it is very painful.  Focus on what your head is telling you and not your heart, and it may help to make a list of all the unacceptable crap you tolerated to help with that focus; the list will probably grow with time.  Also, what I did, was get the hell out of town for a few days; it didn't help with the emotion but the physical detachment did help me start to shift the focus to my future without her, since there was no other tolerable option.

i seriously do not know how i will survive this

You don't have to know how, it's just about putting one foot in front of the other, and it will get better and you will survive it, because you say so.  Take care of you!