New Beginning 4...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Here is the previous topic... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240685.0

     If the vehicle is in my name only in this state, she does not have any claim/right to it.  Why won't she just do the right thing (she says she wants to make the marriage work and fix the black and white issues yet won't budge) in this instance?  It's frustrating.  Is she seeing where how firm I stand on this?  The control issue with her is nuts.  I'm tired of it.  I still want to know what she meant by "she forced me" to keep her on the insurance.  

[MaroonLiquid]

Here is the previous topic... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240685.0

     If the vehicle is in my name only in this state, she does not have any claim/right to it.  Why won't she just do the right thing (she says she wants to make the marriage work and fix the black and white issues yet won't budge) in this instance?  It's frustrating.  Is she seeing where how firm I stand on this?  The control issue with her is nuts.  I'm tired of it.  I still want to know what she meant by "she forced me" to keep her on the insurance.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

Uhm. Stop trying to understand crazy. It doesn't matter what she thinks about insurance right now.

YOUR problem today is that you have a legal obligation on the Lexus that is preventing you from buying a car you can drive. She is being part of that problem.

Talk to a lawyer. Ask for strategies that will force her to either:

A: Get her to give you the Lexus and get her name off the title

-or-

B: Get her to take full responsibility for the Lexus, getting you off the title and the loan so you can your own car.

[MaroonLiquid]

Uhm. Stop trying to understand crazy. It doesn't matter what she thinks about insurance right now.

YOUR problem today is that you have a legal obligation on the Lexus that is preventing you from buying a car you can drive. She is being part of that problem.

Talk to a lawyer. Ask for strategies that will force her to either:

A: Get her to give you the Lexus and get her name off the title

-or-

B: Get her to take full responsibility for the Lexus, getting you off the title and the loan so you can your own car.

So my wife called me (out of the blue a few minutes ago) and told me that she was going down to the credit union first thing in the morning to sign the car over into her name.  I told her I appreciated that she is doing that.  My mom told me that she thinks she got real with herself and knew if she didn't do that it she knew I would be done and file for divorce and rightfully so.  I told her that there is no way you can spin that to anyone and they understand how she would do something like that.  We'll see if she follows through, but I think she will.  I'm relieved.

[Grey Kitty]

  Sounds awesome.

Just to confirm--she doesn't need you there to sign does she?

And if she doesn't, I still think you should call a lawyer for a consult... .Maybe a prepaid legal service like FF's would be a good idea for you?

[formflier]

 

Start thinking of ways to reinforce good behavior.  If she signs this over... .and you get the car you need. 

Don't want to overdo it... but you want to make sure she understands that you appreciate her listening... .and acting... .on your request.

Thoughts?

This is very good news... looking forward to an update tomorrow saying that this is over.

[MaroonLiquid]

Well, my wife found a way to dysregulate over text today before we had to trade in the vehicle this evening. Our loans with the credit union were contingent on the Lexus being traded in.  We agreed to trade it in on mine first together because her vehicle was more expensive.  She did have an appointmnent yesterday at 6 to go look at a vehicle, and I found one online so we went to look at it, I decided to get it, and while going through the paperwork phase, she went down to look at her vehicle in the Lexus after they appraised it.  They jacked her around and she walked out.  I met her for a bite to eat, and noticed she was mad that I was in my new car, but let it go and never broached the subject except to say we would find her the one she wants.  This morning, I guess she was mad that I wasn't with her at the dealership last night and so I tried to talk her through it over text because she wouldn't answer my phone call.  She told me that if I was going to trade in the Lexus, I would need to provide her a rent car.  I said "Wife, I hear that you don't have the money for a rent car.  They are expensive.  It cost me quite a bit when I had to fix our van two months ago.  Can you help me to understand why you feel I have the money?"  She then dysregulated and we got into it. I tried hard, but finally just told the truth.  I didn't care.  I told her that she is mad that I got a new car before her and that was hers to deal with.  I told her that I am tired of her manipulative, abusive games and she is throwing a temper tantrum.  She tried to turn and project everything onto me and said, "I won't be left stranded!  Your choices do nothing but cost me money!"  . Seriously?  What the heck? That's what she did to me and I told her so.  I just told her that my choices the last seven months speak for themselves.  "I have kept you on my insurance, I paid seven months worth of car notes, and took care of you every time your sick and had surgery.  I told her that I would get this car through the dealership on my own because I can't make her do the right things.  She said that being married to me has drained her financially.  That's hilarious considering I'm her only husband that has had a jobs. She told me to leave her alone.  Geez, tired of this crap.  I have to go to the dealership and see what they can do.  This is ridiculous.

[MaroonLiquid]

One thing she said at the end of the text string was that she wanted to be separated from me financially from me because it was the right thing for her.  I  because if that was the case, she wouldn't have any problem trading in the Lexus.  She also said she is done with my mess of a life and ready to move on.  I responded with, "I'm sorry you feel that way.  You don't want to be separated from me anymore than I do you.  She said I haven't known what she has wanted for a long time.  I'm like, it effing changes every day for the last seven months.   . That's when I said I'm sorry she feels that way will get the car at the dealership on my own and I can't make her do the right thing.  I don't care if that's invalidating. 

[Grey Kitty]

Your wife dysregulated, and you told her what you thought. I get that loud and clear.

I'm confused about the financial situation:

Are you still joint owner of the Lexus with her?

Do you now have a car in your own name, with your own loan, and your own insurance, and no way for her to meddle with it unless you are stupid enough to let her touch the keys?

(I don't care if she has a car or not either )

[formflier]

 

So... .if you are still a joint owner on the lexus... .then yes... .you need to stay involved and make sure the trade happens... .do not sign anything on her side... .but do what you can to set it up.

If you are no longer a joint owner on the lexus... .and you have your vehicle... .and that can't be undone... .then drop the issue.

Literally... .never speak of it again... .she wants to be financially separate... .then there is no reason to discuss finances.

I suspect... you are still on hook for lexus... .make sure to clarify this

[MaroonLiquid]

No, we were going to trade in the car toward my own car in my own name.  And then she was going to buy a car in her own name.  That was what we agreed to.  When I left the dealership with my new car last night and she had trouble doing a deal for hers, she was mad.  After they appraised the Lexus for the trade in, she ran down to look at a car.  I wanted to go with her, but even she told me to stay.  Later of course she threw it up to me.  She kept the Lexus over night and when it came time to trade it today, that is when she dysregulate do and said she was going to keep it until she found a vehicle and ultimately that wants to separate from me "forever".   . I know that's not true, but still.

[formflier]

 

So... who owns the car that you are driving?

[MaroonLiquid]

Well, once the deal is done, me.  But I that deal is based on the Lexus being traded in.  If she won't, then I will have to go through the dealership for financing and don't know if they will since I have the other one in my name.  This is tough.  Again, I feel like she has me over a barrel.  I hate that she won't just do the right thing.

[MaroonLiquid]

when will she stop her crap?  I know that she has been doing better, but she says she wants to get rid of the "black and white issues"... .Yet she does everything she can to stay embroiled in them.  I know she loves me and doesn't want me to go anywhere, yet does crap to purposefully sabotage.  Yes I know it's her illness, just venting... .

[formflier]

 

So... the dealership is letting you drive the car... .but it is up in the air if the deal is done?

How long can that go on?

[MaroonLiquid]

So... the dealership is letting you drive the car... .but it is up in the air if the deal is done?

How long can that go on?

That is a great question.  If I don't hear from her today, I will have to do the deal through the dealership and have them find me financing without the Lexus as a trade in.  Not sure if they will. We will see.

[MaroonLiquid]

My wife just texted me and said I need to return a glove that belongs to our son, that it is upsetting him and I need to do the right thing... .Unfortunately, I can't find it... Haven't answered... .I need to do the right thing?

[sweetheart]

Of course this is about the car ML not the glove!

Just text or phone saying you can't find the glove that's enough.

[MaroonLiquid]

Of course this is about the car ML not the glove!

Just text or phone saying you can't find the glove that's enough.

To me, that is a diversion and a chance for her to further dysregulate.  Don't want to go there... .

[sweetheart]

ML even if you respond re glove you don't have to enter in to her dysregulation that belongs to her.

[MaroonLiquid]

I have written this but not sent it yet.  What do you think?

I can see how important the glove would be to our son because of what his grandfather meant to him.  It is extremely frustrating when things aren't returned to you when you've asked for them back several times.  I thought I knew where it was, however, I can't find it.  I am still looking for it and finding it is a priority.

[sweetheart]

ML just try saying 'I've looked for the glove, but haven't found it yet will keep looking' or something like that keep it simple

[formflier]

I can see how important the glove would be to our son because of what his grandfather meant to him.  It is extremely frustrating when things aren't returned to you when you've asked for them back several times.   I am still looking for it and finding it is a priority.

I think this will be ok... .it's a bit of a dig at her... .but it is the truth.  If anything... I would shorten it more.  Don't tell her you can't find it... you are looking.

[MaroonLiquid]

Already sent it.  She tried to say I deceived her.  Simply said I wasn't and that I would make finding it a priority.  She said, "Right.  Sooner rather than later".  I didn't respond till later and said, "Can you help me to understand why you are focusing on this rather than helping me solve the car situation?  It is hindering both of us and damaging our relationship with the credit union."  No response.

[formflier]

 

Which version did you send?

[123Phoebe]

Maroon, the Lexus is in your name?  :)o you have an extra set of keys for it?

[MaroonLiquid]

FF, I sent this one:

I can see why he would be upset.  His grandfather means the world to him and the glove has sentimental value.  It is extremely frustrating when items aren't returned after asking for them back.  The glove wasn't where I thought it was and I am continuing to look for it.  I will make sure he gets it back as soon as I find it.

She asked me if I left it with the softball organization and I told her I have looked there and they are helping me also.  She said that I made her believe I knew where it was.  I told her that I believed that's where it was, so I had no intention of deceiving her and left it at that.

123Phoebe:

The Lexus is in both of our names.  No I don't have any keys for it and she would have to sign the title to trade it in.  

[123Phoebe]

123Phoebe:

The Lexus is in both of our names.  No I don't have any keys for it and she would have to sign the title to trade it in.  

Oh whoops, sorry   I read your first post in this thread and thought it was in your name.

Then I read the second one from GK and wondered what's stopping you from seeking legal council?  Maybe there's nothing you can do if she won't sign, I don't know.  I'd find out though from somebody who does know!

Sounds like she's jerked you around an awful lot... .  Remember, nobody can jerk us around unless we let them.  I hope your car loan goes through, otherwise might have to buy something else?  Plan B!

[MaroonLiquid]

Update:  We haven't spoken since day before yesterday and she didn't bring our daughter to softball practice last night either.  We have it again tonight, so we will see if she brings her.  I will not chase her and ask her where she is at.  She knows our daughter needs to be at practice. I think she doesn't want to face me at the moment.  Hopefully she was out looking for a vehicle last night.  Oh well.  Still waiting on the dealership to hear about their financing if she doesn't come through on the trade.

[formflier]

 

How long do you get to drive the vehicle without a loan in place?

[MaroonLiquid]

I guess until they can/can't get me a loan through their financing department.  I'm sure they will let me know next week at some point.  They see that I have the pre-approval through my credit union (even though it is contingent which they don't know), they aren't in that much of a hurry.