From bad to worse, I don't want to go home...

[Bloomer]

I have been posting about what's been going on during my 2 week trip away from home. To catch you up, see:

Post 1: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270478.0;all

Post 2: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270620.0

Yesterday, I did take Vortex's advice about H having been reasonably upset and I apologized for not checking in and said I promised I'd do it in the future. That I understood the importance and I didn't mean to make him so upset. It took HOURS for him to accept my apology. It was extremely triggering to be in a circular argument where I wasn't even fighting with him, just trying to get him to listen to the words coming out of my mouth. At one point he called me a psychopath while we were on the phone, because I was crying from being so stressed out about going in circles and feeling trapped and like he was punishing me. I hung up and texted him and told him name calling is not ok and I won't speak to him if he's going to violate my boundaries. It took another hour of texting for him to believe my apology. Luckily then it was his bed time with the time difference.

Today I woke up to an average text message. I responded in an equal tone hoping today would be less stressful. From there things went downhill. He said he was still really upset and feeling like he wasn't respected in this relationship and he'd been feeling like that for a long time. I validated that I understood he was still upset and that I know I've been struggling with anger, causing him to feel disrespected. I assured him that I had improved my anger management already and I was still working to handle that to avoid making him feel less than in any way. Good right?

Then he demanded to know exactly what I said to my cousin (who I'm staying with) about our disagreement yesterday. I told him I didn't say anything nasty about him and he had nothing to worry about. He got upset and said I should want to tell him because I put him through so much yesterday. That we should tell each other everything. H has been extremely clear that he values his own privacy, particularly in friendships. It was an issue in the past. I have some own insecurity issues and that was hard for me then but over time I realized that it's much healthier to have separate relationships and not have to report back to someone just bc they're insecure. I stated that this was a boundary for me, that I felt it was too controlling and unhealthy and I wasn't going to tell him the exact conversation, just as he wouldn't tell me any exact conversations. Things continued to explode.

He continued to tell me I broke his trust and I should want to tell him about my conversation. That he thought I'd do anything to repair it. I told him I understood being upset still but asking me to do anything other than apologize and work on not repeating the mistake seemed like punishment, like abusive behavior. He asked if I even wanted to be married to him any more. I told him I did. I also don't want to lose respect for myself and that's a big mistake I made in the past by not setting boundaries and then feeling resentful. That just as he had told me that he has apologized for his past behavior and is working on it and has told me I can't expect anything extra that the same applies to me. I told him it was his work to forgive me, that I couldn't do anything to make that happen.

He told me I wasn't being empathetic and I should want to make him feel better about everything. I told him I can relate to being very hurt and it sounds awful. I am clear on the importance of checking in and I want to avoid making him worry like that in the future. I want him to feel better and I know it won't happen again.

Then he tells me he's been extremely sick while I've been away. He had to get expensive medication. That when he told me that our dog was bit on his paw by a small dog and it was barely noticeable earlier this week, he lied. He's been cleaning and bandaging it and he didn't tell me any of this so I wouldn't worry. I told him to please take the dog to the vet or if not I will take him when I get home Saturday. I told him it wasn't nice to make me upset because I'm trying to keep boundaries. I said I was trying not to hurt him and I understood he was still upset but that I shouldn't have to be punished. I said I thought being sick and stressed were putting him in a downward spiral. I can't compromise the work I've done to try and respect myself more because he asks me to when he's upset. I also asked what he was sick with.

He said I was making it all about me again and he kept it so I wouldn't worry. Then I broke his trust and now I won't make him feel better. That he's never going to tell me what was wrong with him. I told him again that I didn't bash him to my cousin and that's all he needs to know and that he's being abusive. Then he said I was being abusive (of course). I then told him I was going to take some space that this was too much stress. That I was trying to be nice and understood he felt hurt but I just can't handle the stress right now. He said I haven't tried to make it right that I just apologized and backed off. "I hope I ___ing die. And you should stay the ___ out there. Don't contact me again."

My last message that I sent before I read his was that I tried discussing this in a healthy way and I'm sorry he's sick. I wish he would have told me so I could have supported him.  I love you and I hope you feel better.

He told me "You don't know how to  be supportive. You're broken. Your parents abandoned you to that psycho and  you're broken. Don't ___ing text me again."

At this point I texted my sister and asked if she could get me at the airport. There's absolutely NO way I'm getting into a car with him after this. No thank you. He just texted me and asked what time I'm getting in on Saturday so he can make his appointment with his therapist. I don't know if I should respond or not. Everything feels like a trap. I am terrified of going home. I think I should stick to taking space until that time bc I can't handle this and I only have so little time left with my cousin and I'm not going to be a headcase over him.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can do this all over again. Being made to feel less than or like I need to pay penance to someone every time I make a mistake. He had been a lot better about dysregulating but this is #2 for January for the all out off the rails. That's not including the smaller ones, like not understanding why I won't be a messenger to my cousin. Am I done? Is this worth it?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

Take some time and reread the lessons. There is one on one of the forums called "Stop the Bleeding". It should give you some ideas on how to stop the circular arguments.

Also, don't JADE! When you JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) it is likely that you are feeding the "beast". It is better for them to be upset because you stepped away from the discussion than it is to give them more stuff to chew up and turn around.

Validate him to the best of your ability and move on as best you can. None of this is easy. The first step is to get off the roller coaster. That is where the lessons really, really help.

I am going to throw something out there for you to think about. Did your husband go out with anyone or do anything with anybody while you were gone? If you got to go on a date and do fun stuff while he was at home "sick", is there a possibility that he is jealous. Don't bring that up with him. Think about it for yourself. I know that when I was seeing/talking to other people my husband was very much like what you are describing your husband. He never said it but he was jealous. I could tell by his actions. If he had people to see or talk to, he was fine with me seeing/talking to other people. If he didn't have anything, he would pick fights and the circular crap never stopped. Think about that and really think about whether or not you really want to step into that hornets nest while your husband is dysregulated.

Here is a hug.   

This is some rough stuff!

[Bloomer]

I'm just not sure I want to have to learn how to do all these special things to manage his illness any more. It doesn't matter what I do. He wanted me to be excited about being open, so I suggested this trial run. I think he probably is jealous and despite the fact that he said he had "no problems" with the idea of me with someone else, I think that's untrue. Whether he'd ever admit that or not is in the air. Thanks for your support.

I still haven't responded to his message about what time my flight is. I don't know if that's the best course or not but the thought of opening the door is too much and he'll likely be upset that I made other plans when he flipped out.So, I'd rather just not deal with it at all. Not sure what's going to happen when I get home. I know it will be even harder to check my own emotions and may end up having to leave my own house as soon as I return to it.

[Bloomer]

He sent another text asking what time my flight was so he could schedule his therapy so I told him not to worry about it that I had a ride. He asked if I could please stop hurting him. I told him that he said not to contact him so I found another ride and asked him to leave my key in the mailbox (I realized that like an IDIOT I didn't bring my house key bc I planned on H picking me up). He called me a cruel person. Now I don't even know if I'll be able to get into my own house... .it just keeps getting better.

[vortex of confusion]

I'm just not sure I want to have to learn how to do all these special things to manage his illness any more. It doesn't matter what I do. He wanted me to be excited about being open, so I suggested this trial run. I think he probably is jealous and despite the fact that he said he had "no problems" with the idea of me with someone else, I think that's untrue. Whether he'd ever admit that or not is in the air. Thanks for your support.

My husband didn't have a problem with me being with somebody else. That part excited him. The problem is that he likes to mirror me. If I do something, he wants to do it to. If I "achieve" something before him, he gets goofy about it. Perhaps you can look at other areas and see if this is really about the open stuff or if it is about something else. Have his abandonment fears been triggered? Whether or not he admits to anything is irrelevant. It gives you a place to work from so you aren't quite as lost.

[Bloomer]

I would imagine his abandonment fears are triggered because he said "I'd break if anything ever happened to you" yesterday. So I think the thought of me leaving (even in a tragic way) is in his mind. And that's fine. I'm just tired of him exploding all over my life. Especially when I'm trying to do things for myself to get out of a bad depression and have my own therapy twice a week. I just don't know if there will ever be enough space in this relationship for two people or if I have the patience to get to that point if it does even exist. He's trying to bait me now by telling my I'm determined to exclude him from every aspect of my life and why don't I just leave bc I'm torturing him... .I'm not responding to this. He's going to have to figure out how to calm himself down.

[Notwendy]

Bloomer, I think this could be about what I posted - that you don't know what you feel until it happens. Your H may have agreed to your open marriage in theory, but when something happened, he experienced strong feelings.

Remember, feelings to them are the same as if the experience is real. My H reacted as if I was cheating when he saw a picture of an old crush in a school yearbook. It was years before I met my H, but it was as if I had seen the person today because that's how he felt at the moment, and he was raging.

Whatever your H feels now, he is certain you did it to him, and that whoever causes him this kind of pain must be a terrible person because he is hurting. He is projecting all his hurt outside himself to get rid of those bad feelings.

As I said before, I don't think that people with PD's can handle emotionally charged situations, especially those that trigger insecurities and abandonment.

That doesn't mean you don't have choices. One can choose to have an open marriage, but if you make that choice, there could be consequences to deal with too.

I know that if anything could throw my H over the edge- this would be it. That isn't why I don't do it. I don't really want to. However, if I did, I think what I would face when I got home would be really awful.

[Bloomer]

H is the one who became persistent in his identifying as poly. For a while I struggled and eventually decided to give it a try as I'm not opposed to it and see a lot of the benefits of poly/open relationships. They can be difficult, sure. Emotions come up and you have to work through them if you want to stay open. However, it should not be a "consequence". Having an open relationship does not warrant being punished. I'm not doing anything wrong. I understand feelings that come up for people and I'm always willing to talk about those in an understanding way. But if someone is not emotionally aware enough to bring them up calmly without flipping out, I can't do anything about that or make assumptions as to what might change their behavior.

Update: H called and I let it go to voice mail. He apologized for the things he said to me today. He's feeling very hurt and having a difficult time with what happened. He knows there's nothing more I can do about it. He doesn't want to be "excluded" from anything else in my life, especially not deliberately bc it's hard enough when I do it accidentally and wants to pick me up from the airport.

I don't know what to do. I honestly do not want to talk to him right now. I don't really feel comfortable being stuck in a car for 30 minutes with him after not speaking to him either. Any suggestions on the healthiest course of action are appreciated. I want to keep my boundaries and also do what I need to do for me. I would like to do it in the least hurtful way  to him possible but I understand he'll probably be hurt no matter what.

[vortex of confusion]

How much time do you have between now and when you need to be picked up at the airport? I ask because it might be a good idea to give yourself some time to think and process things. Based on what you have posted, it seems that things are changing by the minute. You don't know what is going to happen next. Can you sit on this for a bit before coming to any kind of decision about him picking you up?

You are right. If two people agree to something, then both people should be able to do it and work through whatever comes up. I know exactly how you feel. When we were in the midst of things being open on both sides, there were times when it felt like I was being punished because I had something and he didn't. One day he would tell me that things were open and the next day he told me that they were closed. It was crazy. I had ONE lover through the whole thing. Luckily, he has been great at giving me whatever space I have needed. It is tough to try to juggle two relationships no matter how good things are between you and a spouse. When you throw BPD into the mix, it makes for a really wild ride!

You can't control whether or not he flips out. What you can do is control your reaction to it! That is way easier said than done. My husband and I had some really nasty fights when we were trying to figure out the open stuff. It wasn't until I found this site and figured out how to keep myself in check better than I made any progress. I have had periods where I didn't answer the phone or texts. I had periods where I had to set boundaries because he was trying to be in, what felt like, constant contact. I would be knee deep in kid stuff and he would be calling me over and over and over again until he got me. If he saw me on FB, he would message me. I felt like I was being swallowed.

[Bloomer]

I won't be arriving until Saturday so I have some time but I know he's going to focus on me not telling him to pick me up or not and that will make it hard and maybe push me to not agree to him picking me up.

In the mean time, I'm not sure about contact. He called me 4 times and I didn't answer. I texted and told him I was with my cousin in the car (white lie). He said what does it matter, she knows what's going on. And I just didn't respond. He is likely at his normal Thursday activity now so I should have some more time to even figure out how to respond to his apology, which clearly came from me calling him on his "don't contact me again" BS. Just not sure what to respond to at this point bc I'm terrified of reinforcing negative behaviors.

[vortex of confusion]

Do a quick review of the lessons before deciding on anything!

The hard part is to NOT let them push you. Make up your mind what you want and then stick with it. If you don't want him to pick you up, then tell him that your sister will be picking you up at the airport and will then bring you home around such and such time. Give him a detail of what you plan to do. If he tries to argue with it, stick to your plan. Repeat it once, maybe twice and then excuse yourself from the call or don't respond to the text.

It takes some super strength to not get sucked down the rabbit hole of reacting to their BS. But, it is worth it.

[Grey Kitty]

You sound very at risk of getting wrapped up in his feelings and his insecurities and his concerns.

They matter... .but they aren't yours, and it is really easy to get lost in them.

Stay focused on how you feel.

You have said several times that you don't feel safe (emotionally) being in the car on the ride home from the airport with him. You already made arrangements for another ride home. It is a 30 minute ride. he will see you only 30 minutes later than he would have.

You don't have to explain it to him or give him reasons. (It would be JADEing anyhow!)

Tell him that you have a ride and when you expect to be home (blizzards permitting!), and that you aren't changing your mind on this one.

Besides... .the more he has to make a big deal about it, the less you want to be stuck in a car with him!

[Bloomer]

I think you're very right. I always want to make him happy and ease his pain, which usually involves getting wrapped up and lost.

Any thoughts on addressing taking space (in a loving way until I get home)?

[Grey Kitty]

Take space in a firm way, instead of a loving way. I think that is the most loving thing to do!

One of the things that my wife used to do to me that I absolutely hated was try to 'gently' maneuver me into doing something without her... .and finally snap at me for not giving her space when I didn't take the 'hint'. Instead of one direct rejection... .which might even not be about me, I got a series of half a dozen successive rejections, mixed up with confusion and fretting about what she really wanted!

Pretending that you can prevent that pain through some other action only makes it worse.

I tend to value truth over kindness when they come in conflict. Avoiding telling him you want space (but backing away anyhow!) is close enough to deceptive to feel yucky to me.

[Bloomer]

You are the Jedi master. Seriously, I feel so much less like my head is going to explode after working this out with everyone here.

I see what you mean. How about something like: "I need some space right now. My sister is giving me a ride home from the airport. I'll let you know if I have any unexpected flight delays."

Should I give him my flight details if he doesn't have them?

Should I mention his apologetic voice mail for any reason?

[Grey Kitty]

I don't see any reason to give him your flight details; he isn't picking you up.

I don't see any reason to withhold your flight details.

... .unless you are afraid he would show up and try to make some sort of ugly scene in the arrival lane confronting you and your sister.

If he asks nicely for the info, give it to him.

It sounds like the voicemail was a mix of a bunch of stuff, some of it messy. First pass: If it isn't a question, don't answer it 

I'd suggest that you work stuff out with your H after you get back and take time off now as much as you can.

[Bloomer]

I don't think he'd make an ugly scene but since he's been so out of control the past two weeks, I'll just leave it. The other thing I keep forgetting is that I didn't bring my house key and I need him to leave it in the mailbox for me in case he's out when I arrive.

I like all of your other suggestions. I think I knew everything in my gut but I can't get past the guilt :-\

 Thank you.

[vortex of confusion]

I think I knew everything in my gut but I can't get past the guilt :-\

The guilt is horrible. Sit with it and try to let it go instead of acting on it. When I started ignoring some of my husband's texts and calls, I was soo scared. I felt like I had to respond or the world would end. I am only exaggerating a little bit. The night that I was at work and didn't respond to his emails I came home to "Is there a reason you didn't respond?" He was snotty as heck too. I told him that I was at work. It took a while to get him used to the new ways of communicating where I didn't let him be a jerk to me. If he didn't have something important to talk about, I wouldn't respond. It was rough and I felt very, very guilty.

You can do this!

 

[Bloomer]

Ok, I sent him my "space" text message. Of course he responded with "please don't do this, I'm not some psycho, I'm your husband. And then you would be so upset if I did this. Don't push me away like this". So I'm sitting on the couch with my new best friend Guilt. We're doing ok. My head hasn't exploded (yet). I know I need to be firm in taking the space I told him I was taking or else I'm just making this worse.

[vortex of confusion]

Don't take the bait!

Can you send him a validating message? ONE message that validates him and reassures him but does NOT go down the rabbit hole.

Something along the lines of:

"I know you are not a psycho. You are my husband and I love you. I want to talk about this stuff with you when I get home. Now isn't the time."

Maybe GK will chime in and correct me if this is too much. Don't take the bait!

[Bloomer]

The other times I tried to be gentle he just latches on and it makes me much more susceptible to getting roped in. I didn't freak out on him AT ALL today. So, even though I didn't get extra lovey, I also didn't say anything nasty. No name calling, no phone conversation, nothing just mean. I feel like maybe that's enough? I told him earlier when I said I was taking space that I loved him and hoped he feels better. At home it's much harder to enforce the space boundary so this is my only chance before he's in front of me and I probably need to experience the space so I can remember what it's like to have it, so I'm more inclined to take it as needed. Does that make sense? And anyone can bring up any flaws in my logic here.

[vortex of confusion]

The other times I tried to be gentle he just latches on and it makes me much more susceptible to getting roped in. I didn't freak out on him AT ALL today. So, even though I didn't get extra lovey, I also didn't say anything nasty. No name calling, no phone conversation, nothing just mean. I feel like maybe that's enough? I told him earlier when I said I was taking space that I loved him and hoped he feels better. At home it's much harder to enforce the space boundary so this is my only chance before he's in front of me and I probably need to experience the space so I can remember what it's like to have it, so I'm more inclined to take it as needed. Does that make sense? And anyone can bring up any flaws in my logic here.

I don't see any flaws in your logic. I ran away for a week about a year and half ago. I wouldn't answer my phone. Didn't answer texts and just focused on being me and enjoying my time away without having to worry about my husband. I wouldn't engage him at all. It was great. I had a bunch of BS to deal with when I got home but that time without him invading my thoughts and my space was very helpful for me as it gave me time to think and rebuild the strength that I needed to face stuff when I got home.

[Grey Kitty]

So I'm sitting on the couch with my new best friend Guilt. We're doing ok. My head hasn't exploded (yet).

Perhaps you can offer your guilt a cup of tea while you are at it? It works for some people with shame.


OK... .sanity check time here. Your husband is falling apart and pleading with you over the idea that you will see him ~30 minutes later than you would have otherwise? When this is at the end of a two-week trip?

That's nuts. And it probably isn't the real reason either, not that he knows the real reason.

When it comes to dealing with him, I can see two skillful paths:

1. Enforce your boundary.

[crickets]

Nothing left to do... .you already arranged for your sister to pick you up.

2. Validate his feelings.

"You sound like you feel hurt and rejected."

You will want to do the latter sooner or later, but you don't need to do it now.

[Bloomer]

I feel like a right arsehole because NotWendy and VoC have been hinting at some behaviors their H's exhibit this whole time and I've been saying "he doesn't do that". Well, ladies and gentlement, apparently they are THAT predictable because after enforcing my boundary (we had a lovely cup o' tea GK), I got several messages summarizing the following:

"I don't want to be poly. I can't stop crying. I just want you. All this is bc I'm heartbroken that I let you go. I lost you for a night. I'm not angry. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm angry with myself for being such a fool. I understand completely now how you felt about me and (our other primary female partner in the past). I'm so sorry."

Eventually he texted me in the middle of the night (his time zone) saying how much he and the dog missed me and wanted a text from his wife. I stayed strong. I'm very proud of holding the fort.

I can't believe this, and yet I can! Do you know how MANY arguments have been around him identifying as POLY and me needing more time, etc. And I finally say, alright let's try this out for a short-term lease and he wigs out... .I still don't know if it's bc I was away and he didn't have anyone; if he finally experienced what I felt when we had a third partner who was female (and I had a hard time getting out of comparison mode); or was it that I was independent enough to take a 2 week trip on my own and not need constant communication to survive? In any scenario, my head nearly went through the roof when I read the first couple of messages.

Are you kidding me? Do you know how many times I've asked him if he felt ok, or had any reservations, or felt jealous about me being with another guy (as opposed to a woman)? I'm going to keep my boundary (he mentioned again that he hopes he can pick me up at the airport) and remain NC and have my sister pick me up. At this point, I don't know what's going to happen. I feel FULL of resentment bc the amount of discord poly and me being uncomfortable with our third partner (over a year ago) caused is prolific.

I feel so naive for thinking he was aware enough to not feel slighted by this. I knew it played a factor but he is stating it is the ONLY factor right now... ./end rant.

Thank you all for helping me through this and keeping me strong in my boundary. And I'm sorry for being resistant to the idea of him being textbook BPD. You just want to believe they're as good as they're trying to be and I have been disillusioned. I honestly feel like I've been punched in the stomach on this one.

 Bloomer

[vortex of confusion]

I feel so naive for thinking he was aware enough to not feel slighted by this. I knew it played a factor but he is stating it is the ONLY factor right now... ./end rant.

Thank you all for helping me through this and keeping me strong in my boundary. And I'm sorry for being resistant to the idea of him being textbook BPD. You just want to believe they're as good as they're trying to be and I have been disillusioned. I honestly feel like I've been punched in the stomach on this one.

 

Don't apologize! I know I have been resistant to seeing my husband for who he is and what he is. I have spent so many years trying to see and think the best. I have gotten sucked into his BS for years. Things are going pretty between us right now but I am only cautiously optimistic. I know that he will do well long enough for me to let my guard down and then BAM! I am hoping that I can use the tools here and not get sucked in again.

That punched in the gut feeling sucks! Hang in there. You will get through this.

[Bloomer]

Thanks Vortex. There's a certain comfort in knowing I'm not the only one being hoodwinked.

I've received 16 text messages since setting my boundary and 1 email. He did not sleep apparently based on the time stamps. The most recent texts said that the silence is scary and he wants to know if I'm leaving him so he doesn't make a fool of himself by cleaning the house and going grocery shopping before I get back. This one was tempting to respond to but I know that would be a major mistake because then I'd be saying, "If you invade my boundary enough, I'll totally just give up on it." So, I'm not going to do that. If he doesn't clean the house or do grocery shopping, that's really the least of my concerns right now. And I DEFINITELY don't want to be in a car with him right now. I'm quite sure we'd crash.

The very last message says he's seeing his therapist on his lunch break. So, at least he's doing something to try to cope with what is the first time I've ever held the no contact boundary.

[Grey Kitty]

  Strap in and hold tight! Your husband is going for a RIDE through all his emtions, and he's gonna try to take you with him on it!

FYI, when my wife and I started our respective poly r/s... .we started out by agreeing (respectively) that it was OK by her for me to have sex with this other woman and OK by me for her to have sex with this other guy. She sounded not concerned at all; I spent a lot of time really thinking about it.

Soon into it she dysregulated ALL OVER THE PLACE when I actually was having sex with anther woman, and apparently enjoying it. (Much later she admitted that she was imagining/assuming that I would say something like "It wasn't too awful, but it is soo much better with you!", and I didn't live up to that unstated expectation!) ... .probably the worst rages and silent treatment I experienced in my life.

Anyhow... .back to you and your marriage... .

Being up all night texting/emailing you shows he's clearly very very very upset.

Do you have it in yourself to validate some of his fears about you leaving him?

"I would never leave you" is not the same as validating his fear that you will leave. You probably should do both when you are feeling some compassion for him. It might be easier to compose that in a text message than talking to him right now.

[Bloomer]

I feel compassion and I also feel very afraid that anything I do will be seen as weakness and then he'll pounce.

I also don't really know what's going to happen when I get home. I, too, spent a LOT of time thinking about poly and being open. I pushed myself into a full-on poly rs at one point bc it seemed like the path of least resistance. Obviously that speaks so highly of my ability to set healthy boundaries but I mean this is a subject that even recently I had to apologize for how my insecurities came up during our previous experiences. And I was THERE when he was with another woman not states away. 

So, I am open to the idea of sending something but I have a lot of concerns about what will happen when I do that... .

Were you thinking along the lines of: "I understand that you're afraid and I love you"?

[Grey Kitty]

More like "You sound absolutely terrified that I will leave you. I will be home around xx:yy Saturday and want to see you when I return. I love you."

So, I am open to the idea of sending something but I have a lot of concerns about what will happen when I do that... .

What are you afraid of? What can he do besides burn up your phone with another 15 text messages?

You made it through that, and even got a nice conversation with your guilt while you were at it!

[vortex of confusion]

I feel compassion and I also feel very afraid that anything I do will be seen as weakness and then he'll pounce.

Stand firm. If he sees you being weak, he WILL pounce. One little crack and he is going to run through. You can do this. It is difficult to figure out how to be compassionate without opening yourself up to the crazy.

I also don't really know what's going to happen when I get home.

Don't think about that right now. There is a good chance that whatever you come up with in your head will be completely inaccurate. I have spent so many times creating and slaying monsters in my head. It isn't helpful and distracts you from doing the hard work of relaxing and enjoying your time away.