Extreme Bpd mother inlaw

[Viciouscircle84]

My situation is I am a 30yr old male and when my wife's mother comes to visit ( we rent her house and pay all utilities) no matter what boundaries we try to enforce she oversteps them and is very just downright mean to me. Tells us what to eat when to eat when to sleep when to wake up and how to raise our child- we have a 1yr old baby. I've asked numerous times don't throw his stuff away because it got dirty she agrees then I see everything in the trash. She is constantly telling everyone her husband and my wife I should go and my wife and baby should move in with her. We are getting our own house in a few months I guess my question is what do I do about the boundary issues?

[Kwamina]

Hi Viciouscircle84

Welcome to bpdfamily. I am sorry that your mother-in-law is causing you so much stress. Since you're here I assume you suspect she might have BPD or at least exhibits BPD traits. Is my assumption correct? Has your mother-in-law perhaps even been diagnosed with BPD an/or another disorder?

Boundaries are indeed very important when dealing with someone who has BPD. We have some resources on this website that might help you set and enforce boundaries with her:

Boundaries and Values

Examples of boundaries

Has your mother-in-law always behaved like this towards you?

[Viciouscircle84]

Yes she has been diagnosed with BPD but refuses to admit something is wrong  

[funfunctional]

Hi there,

Sorry you have a MIL from HE double hockey sticks.    I share your pain.  Read here and learn about everything you can to draw lines and not play their game.   It is all a game that started with insecurities & feelings of rejection and over inflated self importance/self focus and takes a life of its own from there.   I think just not taking the bait and not joining in on the drama and protecting your marriage and family will be key.   I hope your partner knows it is about self protection so that MIL doesn't wiggle her way into your life and cause collateral damage.  Don't you ever live with her again!

Wishing you the best in your new home & freedom.

Take care and learn!

[Kwamina]

Yes she has been diagnosed with BPD but refuses to admit something is wrong  

Wow so she actually has been diagnosed. When did that happen? And has she ever been in therapy for her BPD?

Another article that might be helpful for you as you try to establish and maintain firm boundaries, is the article we have here about fear, obligation and guilt. Here's an excerpt:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Would you say that your mother-in-law uses fear, obligation and/or guilt to try to control or manipulate you and your wife?

You can read the entire article about FOG here:

Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)