BPD/NPD? Please help me

[ManAu]

Hey everyone,

I am from the east coast of Australia. Recently i began a relationship with a friend who had previously been a work colleague of mine. This was about 2 months after the end of a 4 year relationship. So my new flame lets call her BPD/NPDgf. I mean flame in every sense of the word as it was and is the most intense experience of my life. At first this was for good reasons but pretty quickly it turned into all the worst.

At first it was trying to convince me my friends were 'talking' about her and me behind our backs in the worst possible ways. At first i put it down to paranoia there is some associated pot use by BPD/NPDgf. Quickly though we would begin to have fights about it till the first big one... and it was big alright. She changed into a completely different person calling me the most vile and personal things via text. I was in absolute shock I couldn't believe that anyone would have the nerve or gall to say such things let alone one who hours before was professing love.

Now, BPD/NPDgf also has a quite severe form of auto immune arthritis as well as a misdiagnosis in my opinion of Bi Polar 1. As well as this there seems to have been some form of sexual abuse when she was very young There is some substance abuse but she is far far far from silly. After the first fight im convinced it was a one off and back we go... only for shortly there after for it all to happen again except worse. The projection starts... the gaslighting the saying one thing and then a few hours later flat out denying the convo took place and making me feel crazy for saying it had and all the rest. I have done some research or i wouldn't be here and actually work in non clinical mental health so lets just say of the BPD/NPD traits she nails nearly all of them and i was left with the question after fight No.4... .which one?

My first instinct was NPD... the names the attempted physical intimidation the lies the absolute and complete avoidance of any sort of whif of responsibility. But then... .there are times when she does seem to show genuine remorse. Anyhoo to the now, so recently after taking her back again everything seemed alright except the fact i can never mention certain things for fear of the rage. So they build and build and well... lets just say it's become clear she has cheated on me recently. She actually admitted it in a lucid moment then went back to projecting that it was all me. Nothing for your sanity like telling you partner they dont listen, refuse to take responsibility and are abusive only to have it mirrored back to you verbatim.

Anyways thats my intro, i feel better for having said it and look forward to doing some reading. I used to take simple acknowledgement of me and my feelings by those close to me for granted but at the moment i feel... i dunno. Traumatized.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

   I'm glad you found this site.  There are so many people here with very sage advise.  Please try not to focus on her.  Focus on keeping yourself healthy.  And keep posting!  You'll find answers... .but it takes time.

[felix22]

Hi, I'm new to these boards as well. Though, in the relationship for a while longer. If you aren't that attached yet, I'd say get the heck out of there, while you still can! Not that I was able to do that. I'm reaching the stage, after some years, of feeling slightly ambivalent. "It's better than being alone" I tell myself.

     I too questioned the NPD/BPD distinction. In the end, I came to the realization that My SOwUBPD, was anything but a real snob. She doesn't have the hollow-arrogance that comes with descriptions of NPD people.

     How I've come to survive, is by putting up those boundaries. I've read that People w/BPD always have something they hang over your heads. Something they NEED you to fulfill next. And, they say "If you don't do this, I can't be with you... .I'm gone." The thing is, from what I've read/my experience, they really don't want to be left, or leave you, unless it's going to be a great deal (in which case, you'd be blessed by their dark-departure, right?). So, they hang this crud over your head, and want you to fulfill their NEEDS. Fulfilling their NEEDS never happens though, right? Because they'll always want something else/NEED something else.

     I say "Sorry, I can't do that. I can't fulfill your need." and "You'll have to do it yourself." Which has earned me at least a few times of being broken-up with. And, then, like a bad case of the flu, they come back for another round. Knock-knock... .Who is it?... .It's me your uBPDso... .Oh great, I'm so lucky, let me be more grateful... .PUKE. It's really not that complicated. So, after studying it for a while, you'll be able to keep fixing your crappy old piece of ___ Studebaker, all by yourself. YAY! Hallelujah! What A Wonderful World!  

[Skip]

How is it going ManAu?

[ManAu]

Well at this point it isn't since this time yesterday. I have done alot of reading and learning and the most important thing I have learnt about is me. Why have I kept accepting this treatment? Why do I put the needs of others so far above my own? How can I work on me having accepted that I cannot change her?

So, yesterday after a long day at the office and my partner sleeping in till 12 and doing well pretty much nothing it was expected as it has been since she lost her licence that I would automatically just drive to her a 40min drive which I had been doing a fair bit. Tonight though I needed space so in the most validating way possible I told her so... .Well right on cue the explosion comes. I guess when I started to examine myself i wondered where my boundaries had gone as I need strong ones for my work and am fairly adept at maintaining them. Where had they gone? I asked myself... would I accept this treatment from a friend or relative? Would I accept it off anyone? It is quite easy to say remember the rages are not directed at me but quite another to withstand them.

So I have realized that I have alot of work to do on myself. That work is much more important and stands a hell of alot more chance of succeeding. At this point not matter how much I validate her and try different tactics she is to far under my skin now to enable me to help her. It is a tough realization and takes alot of looking hard at and dropping my ego. I realize that no matter how much i want to love her etc in the end it is actually my need to fix her that is keeping me there. Then I don't have to face the shame of having let her back like 15 times only to have the same abusive, untrue, mean spirited, lying crap chucked at me again. The projection drives me absolutely crazy. It's like she actually thinks she is me in the relationship and i cant figure out if she gets that or not. There have been some lucid moments and admissions but wow... .it is mind bending when someone steals your... .your... .very issues and mirrors them back with such nonchalance whilst adding a whole pile of their dirty laundry.

So here i sit, all her messages calls & txts on spam for the moment so i don't get notified. I am tempted to check the spam folder but i can sense myself becoming more and more detached which is terrific. It is unbelievable to me how much I have been ruled by my emotions. At the very least i have decided... by openly stating my intentions and following through of working on myself and facing my stuff that it will be a role model to her that may finally one day make the difference to her choice to seek the proper help or not.

[waverider]

It is good that you are creating a breathing space for yourself so that you can put your own house in order, identifying and addressing your needs rather than drowning in hers.

This change in outlook is crucial and a step many struggle to have the courage to do. You are also correct that often we hide our own shortfalls by focusing on rescuing others, whereas we should really be practicing some self rescue on ourselves first. It is a kind of avoidance.

Get yourself into a good place so that you can be a better benchmark. This may have an effect on her, or it may not. But you will be better for it whatever happens

[felix22]

The clarity and insightfulness of your writing are solid. You must definitely be making strides. Thanks for giving me some insight.