BPD/NPDh called my daughter a little B for the last time.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Last night, my daughter couldn't sleep.  She's 10.  She yelled out to me "Mommy!" about half an hour after she went to bed.  I got up to go in, which required me getting out of bed, H was already asleep.  He heard her call for me and when I got up he started cussing and telling me that she's not a baby and she needs to stop doing that.  She very rarely does that.  He said she has 3 times in the past week and a half, which she has NOT.  She did call out once in the middle of the night, why?  Because she had been in a bad car accident with my friend just 2 days earlier and had a nightmare.  Luckily, she and my friend were only bruised, but with the car totaled, it could have been a LOT worse.  Even the police officer said they were very lucky.  Anyway, normal, right?  So, I went to her room and told her Honey, 6:00 comes early tomorrow and you will be tired.  You need to relax, think good thoughts and just try to sleep because that's all you can do at this point.  She said ok and I went back to bed.  He told me I'd f'd up as a parent and he would make sure that as of right now she never got away with any of her baby sh!t again and that the little b!tch could just stop all her f'ing baby crap.  I told him that I was tired of him calling her that, I never called his son any names.  I said... .what if I said that little ass talk back to you?  He said but he doesn't, I said I know but what if I called him that?  He said you just did call him that.  I said no, I was making a point.  He said You just called him a ass, I said no I didn't.  He came over to the bed and put his hands around my throat and pushed with his thumbs, he let go and said that's how to choke someone.  I said you are sick and we don't need this, you need to leave.  He said I'm not going anywhere and that little b___ needs discipline, I said she doesn't need you.  he said and?  I said and I don't need you, either, or this.  He said take it back, I said no.  He grabbed my face and squeezed, I have a slightly fat lip and a sore cheek that's starting to bruise.  I told him that's the last time he'll ever touch me like that again and he started to act like he was playing and his demeanor changed like he was just messing around the whole time and he started kissing on me and stuff.  When I didn't reciprocate, he got mad and started yelling horrible things at me.  I said just leave me alone.  I want to go to bed.  I just had a night shirt on, so I went to put pants on and he pulled them off of me.

He is nuts.  The past week has been one trigger after another and I have no idea what's going on.  He smacked me last week because he didn't like something I said.  Please help me be strong and do what I need to do.  It's not worth sacrificing my daughter's well being for that occasional sweet moment of him holding me.

[wishfulthinking]

Last night, my daughter couldn't sleep.  She's 10.  She yelled out to me "Mommy!" about half an hour after she went to bed.  I got up to go in, which required me getting out of bed, H was already asleep.  He heard her call for me and when I got up he started cussing and telling me that she's not a baby and she needs to stop doing that.  She very rarely does that.  He said she has 3 times in the past week and a half, which she has NOT.  She did call out once in the middle of the night, why?  Because she had been in a bad car accident with my friend just 2 days earlier and had a nightmare.  Luckily, she and my friend were only bruised, but with the car totaled, it could have been a LOT worse.  Even the police officer said they were very lucky.  Anyway, normal, right?  So, I went to her room and told her Honey, 6:00 comes early tomorrow and you will be tired.  You need to relax, think good thoughts and just try to sleep because that's all you can do at this point.  She said ok and I went back to bed.  He told me I'd f'd up as a parent and he would make sure that as of right now she never got away with any of her baby sh!t again and that the little b!tch could just stop all her f'ing baby crap.  I told him that I was tired of him calling her that, I never called his son any names.  I said... .what if I said that little ass talk back to you?  He said but he doesn't, I said I know but what if I called him that?  He said you just did call him that.  I said no, I was making a point.  He said You just called him a ass, I said no I didn't.  He came over to the bed and put his hands around my throat and pushed with his thumbs, he let go and said that's how to choke someone.  I said you are sick and we don't need this, you need to leave.  He said I'm not going anywhere and that little b___ needs discipline, I said she doesn't need you.  he said and?  I said and I don't need you, either, or this.  He said take it back, I said no.  He grabbed my face and squeezed, I have a slightly fat lip and a sore cheek that's starting to bruise.  I told him that's the last time he'll ever touch me like that again and he started to act like he was playing and his demeanor changed like he was just messing around the whole time and he started kissing on me and stuff.  When I didn't reciprocate, he got mad and started yelling horrible things at me.  I said just leave me alone.  I want to go to bed.  I just had a night shirt on, so I went to put pants on and he pulled them off of me.

He is nuts.  The past week has been one trigger after another and I have no idea what's going on.  He smacked me last week because he didn't like something I said.  Please help me be strong and do what I need to do.  It's not worth sacrificing my daughter's well being for that occasional sweet moment of him holding me.

[Matt8888]

You need to get out of there TODAY.  He's an abusive SOB and it will only get worse.  I'm thinking ASPD here.  I can just picture this guy.  Had a neighbor just like this and it took his wife almost getting killed before she left for good.  Please find a way to safety.

[wishfulthinking]

Matt8888... .


ASPD?

I would need to file a protection order.  The house has been mine for 13 years.  He moved in with me 2 years ago.  It's been a long road.  I hate that I feel guilty.  When I file the order, he will end up arrested because he has a traffic warrant out that he supposedly had paid, but I suspect he bought pills instead.

[Caw]

If your daughter means to you what mine means to me , get the hell out. She's your world and if you don't think this is effecting her your wrong. My BPD wife told my daughter she was a bad daughter and it killed her to be called that by her mother. My daughters 27 and has a family and did not deserve that. No one should ever put there hands on you. Your daughter needs peace and a place to feel safe . The decisions you make now will effect her for the rest of her life. I waited to long to get away from a verbally and mentally abusive wife and I'm paying for it now. Please for the sake of your daughter find away to get out of this , she'll think all men are this way and that's not right. You deserve to be loved not abused. Please don't wait to late.

[Popcorn71]

I echo what the other posters have said.  You need to make sure your daughter is safe and get out of this situation.

My ex was aggressive towards my son and it got worse as time went on.  Now, 2 years after we split up he is still being violent and I am so happy that my son is safe from him now.  I regret that I didn't get out of that marriage sooner as it has been the best thing I did.

[Wood stock]

Wishful: I was in a similar situation... .almost identical. Do not allow your daughter to think it is okay for a woman to be treated this way... .She will likely end up in a similar plight when she gets older. You OWE your daughter... .Be a model of strength for her... .Get him out. NOW. When you get weak, think of your daughter... .

[icom]

 

He said I'm not going anywhere and that little b___ needs discipline.   

He smacked me last week because he didn't like something I said.  

Hit the "Eject" button... .NOW!

[livednlearned]

Hi wishful thinking,

That sounded like an awful night and very frightening, both for you and your daughter. Are you doing ok? Leaving these relationships is very difficult. It took me years to get the courage to leave and sort through all the complicated feelings, and I took a while to put a plan together so make sure the transition was safe and as worry free as possible. We have a good article here about Safety First.

A book that really helped me put things in perspective was Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry/Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. In abusive relationships, we often feel that the abuse is somehow warranted, even when we know it's wrong and over the top. It helped me to read a book about what abusers are thinking about, especially because I spent so much time thinking about my behavior, my actions, and whatever I needed to do to get my ex to stop being abusive. Reading how abusers think (Lundy spent 20 years working with abusive men) was an eye opener for me. For some reason it clarified some of the confusion I felt about whether I was responsible.

There is also a good chapter in Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker about restraining orders and how that whole thing works.

It's also good to know how things will work if you end up calling the police. Most states have mandatory arrest laws, and some have dual arrest laws. In those states, police go through a decision-tree to decide whether to arrest both parties. Understanding how things work where you live will go a long way. You can call a DV hotline and ask, or call the local police and see if they have a social worker on staff. Some of the bigger agencies have cops who are also social workers who are experienced dealing with DV situations.

The best thing I ever did was to gather information -- when it came time to leave, I had a plan and that allowed me to be a few steps ahead of my ex every step of the way.

I'm glad you're here getting support. It's important that you have a safe place to share what's happening, among people who have been in your shoes.

You're not alone.

[wishfulthinking]

Thank you, livedandlearned.  That is very helpful information.  I have read online and a couple books on BPD and divorce here at work on my lunches and breaks.  I can't do anything at home alone, so reading about that in front of him or taking a chance of him finding the book would set him off.  He has a good way of saying I abuse him.  Especially if I push him off of me to try to get him to let go of me or get off of me.  All of a sudden I become the abuser.  Last time I called the police, he scratched his own face and hit himself to make it look like I did something to him.  The hitting didn't leave a mark and the scratching he was stupid enough to do outside after they separated us so they knew it wasn't me.  He came back in with an officer and I said what happened to your face?  The policeman looked at me almost pity like.  They take me aside and tell me I don't need to put up with it and then he comes in and says the police tell him that they think it's crap I called them and that I'm a b!tch... .So, are the cops saying both, which makes me hesitant to get help, or is he lying to make me feel this way... .?  I marked him once, pushing him off of me, my bracelet lost a rhinestone and the corner metal piece that came up scratched him.  I was terrified he would have me arrested.  He can lie like a champ.

[livednlearned]

He can lie like a champ.

My ex is a former trial lawyer and has a silver tongue too. It didn't help him in court, the place where I thought he would crush me. It wasn't exactly a level playing field and he held it over my head for years. But he ended up losing custody and visitation of our son. 

You can download a copy of Why Does He Do That and read it on your computer at work. Most of the books I read leading up to my exit had to be downloaded too. It was too risky to have anything lying around the house that he could find.

The laws in place for DV are mostly in your favor. Unless you live in a dual arrest state, which it sounds like you aren't. I did some research out of curiosity and police are more likely to believe whoever reports the DV. If your ex has a prior DV arrest, that makes it even less likely they will believe his allegations.

[wishfulthinking]

I just downloaded the book.  Thanks!

[mywifecrazy]

I just downloaded the book.  Thanks!

First I want to say how horrible that must have been for you and your child.

Please take his physical abuse and threats serious. I agree with what someone else posted. He sounds ASPD (sociopath, no conscience) but labels don't matter now. What matters is his actions. He physically assaulted you and he sounds violent towards you and your daughter.

You say it's your home. Some of the senior members might be able to confirm but can't you have him removed? I would report this abuse right away and get it documented. Get a restraining order placed on him.

TAKE THIS SERIOUS! He is messed up! God only knows what he is capable of.

Good luck

MWC... .

[wishfulthinking]

MWC,

He already is on probation for DV charges.  If I call then he goes to jail for 5 months.  If I have him served a PO right now, he will be arrested on a traffic warrant.  He has to have this taken care of by next week due to the previous DV charges, there is a court date next week that he has to show for.  I was trying to avoid that for him.  I might be too nice.  I'm just not trying to ruin his life.  I feel guilty. 

[mywifecrazy]

MWC,

He already is on probation for DV charges.  If I call then he goes to jail for 5 months.  If I have him served a PO right now, he will be arrested on a traffic warrant.  He has to have this taken care of by next week due to the previous DV charges, there is a court date next week that he has to show for.  I was trying to avoid that for him.  I might be too nice.  I'm just not trying to ruin his life.  I feel guilty. 

YOU'RE not ruining his life HE is. You are only responsible for YOUR actions. Just like you can't fix him or make him better, you can't own his actions. That's being co-dependent and not healthy for you. You are only responsible and can only control your actions or how you respond to someone else's reactions.

All that being said doesn't minimize how hard it must be for you to be in this situation. I hope you can find strength and peace as you try to deal with this very difficult dilemma you're in.

Hang in there!

MWC... .

[livednlearned]

Hi Wishfulthinking,

How are you doing? Thinks going ok there for you and your D15?

LnL

[Panda39]

MWC,

He already is on probation for DV charges.  If I call then he goes to jail for 5 months.  If I have him served a PO right now, he will be arrested on a traffic warrant.  He has to have this taken care of by next week due to the previous DV charges, there is a court date next week that he has to show for.  I was trying to avoid that for him.  I might be too nice.  I'm just not trying to ruin his life.  I feel guilty. 

YOU'RE not ruining his life HE is. You are only responsible for YOUR actions. Just like you can't fix him or make him better, you can't own his actions. That's being co-dependent and not healthy for you. You are only responsible and can only control your actions or how you respond to someone else's reactions.

All that being said doesn't minimize how hard it must be for you to be in this situation. I hope you can find strength and peace as you try to deal with this very difficult dilemma you're in.

Hang in there!

MWC... .

I agree with MWC your Husband has put himself in the position he's in.

Have you tried talking to someone at your local Domestic Violence Agency.  They might have some good advice and resources for you.

This may sound cold or calculating but your H in jail for 5 months might not be a bad thing for you... .It gives you time and space to do what you need to do to separate from him.  Just food for thought.

Take Care 

[Tibbles]

Hi

Really feeling for you and your situation. Being in an abusive relationship is so hard and even harder to leave. I like the advice Liveandlearned is giving you - arm yourself with information and understanding and PLAN an escape. I left twice, first time didn't work - no plan, second time I was able to break free - it was hard but it is doable. In the mean time keep yourself and your daughter as safe as you can. You seem to be in a very volatile situation and you and your daughters safety must come first. When I left the second time I looked my kids in the eye and promised they would never have to live with their Dad again - that kept me focused and strong when I felt myself wavering and fighting the FOG. Maybe a promise of some kind in your mind to your daughter might help you stay strong and focused when all those doubts and FOG issues creep in.

It was only after I left that I realised the damage that had been done to my kids while we were all in that place. Two years out and they are soo much better. I so hope you can find a way through it all and get out - for both your sakes. There is a good life waiting for you both on the other side. You are stronger than you know - look at what you have survived so far, you can do this. Keep posting and know this site is here for you x x x x x x x