Am I Alone

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

One of my assignments for T was to do a relationship pattern and take a good long look at it.

What I found was very disturbing and very sad.What I found was I was with the same woman with different names.It was very scary to look at all the similarities.

What was real scary is each of the woman in the last 20 years of my life have had severe issues and they abandoned me and discarded me like I never was there.

I have relived this abandonment over and over with these woman.This was so painful to look at in T.

These are the woman I ended up with in my life.

1- Drunks - I tried to save

2- Drug Users - I tried to save

3 - Sexually Abused Woman- I tried to care for and show different

4- Promiscuous Woman - I tried to make a house wife and show them romance in bed

5 - Woman that were abused by Mom or Dad or Both- I tried to show them tenderness

6- Woman that blame everyone for there crappy life- I tried to show Personal Accountability

7- Very seductive woman and sexy woman- I enjoyed the sex life

8- Woman that were married and divorced on avg of 2.5 times- I was a shoulder to cry on

9- Woman that had kids that were troubled/abused - I tried to love and care for the kids

10- Woman that end up HATING ME and RESENTING ME- Not sure why.


These are a few of the personalities I attract or they come to me.In the span of 21 years sober I am ashamed to admit that I have had 15 relationship failures that all seemed to be played out over and over with the same endings.

INSANITY= Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

One common denominator is NYMIKE... .   :'( :'(

My ''rescue'' and ''caretaker'' roles have appeared in T.

I am not sure why I am putting this out there but sometimes I feel like I am the lone ranger in all these failures.I feel very embarrassed,ashamed and less than.

[NYMike]

One of my assignments for T was to do a relationship pattern and take a good long look at it.

What I found was very disturbing and very sad.What I found was I was with the same woman with different names.It was very scary to look at all the similarities.

What was real scary is each of the woman in the last 20 years of my life have had severe issues and they abandoned me and discarded me like I never was there.

I have relived this abandonment over and over with these woman.This was so painful to look at in T.

These are the woman I ended up with in my life.

1- Drunks - I tried to save

2- Drug Users - I tried to save

3 - Sexually Abused Woman- I tried to care for and show different

4- Promiscuous Woman - I tried to make a house wife and show them romance in bed

5 - Woman that were abused by Mom or Dad or Both- I tried to show them tenderness

6- Woman that blame everyone for there crappy life- I tried to show Personal Accountability

7- Very seductive woman and sexy woman- I enjoyed the sex life

8- Woman that were married and divorced on avg of 2.5 times- I was a shoulder to cry on

9- Woman that had kids that were troubled/abused - I tried to love and care for the kids

10- Woman that end up HATING ME and RESENTING ME- Not sure why.


These are a few of the personalities I attract or they come to me.In the span of 21 years sober I am ashamed to admit that I have had 15 relationship failures that all seemed to be played out over and over with the same endings.

INSANITY= Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

One common denominator is NYMIKE... .   :'( :'(

My ''rescue'' and ''caretaker'' roles have appeared in T.

I am not sure why I am putting this out there but sometimes I feel like I am the lone ranger in all these failures.I feel very embarrassed,ashamed and less than.

[Caredverymuch]

One of my assignments for T was to do a relationship pattern and take a good long look at it.

What I found was very disturbing and very sad.What I found was I was with the same woman with different names.It was very scary to look at all the similarities.

What was real scary is each of the woman in the last 20 years of my life have had severe issues and they abandoned me and discarded me like I never was there.

I have relived this abandonment over and over with these woman.This was so painful to look at in T.

These are the woman I ended up with in my life.

1- Drunks - I tried to save

2- Drug Users - I tried to save

3 - Sexually Abused Woman- I tried to care for and show different

4- Promiscuous Woman - I tried to make a house wife and show them romance in bed

5 - Woman that were abused by Mom or Dad or Both- I tried to show them tenderness

6- Woman that blame everyone for there crappy life- I tried to show Personal Accountability

7- Very seductive woman and sexy woman- I enjoyed the sex life

8- Woman that were married and divorced on avg of 2.5 times- I was a shoulder to cry on

9- Woman that had kids that were troubled/abused - I tried to love and care for the kids

10- Woman that end up HATING ME and RESENTING ME- Not sure why.


These are a few of the personalities I attract or they come to me.In the span of 21 years sober I am ashamed to admit that I have had 15 relationship failures that all seemed to be played out over and over with the same endings.

INSANITY= Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

One common denominator is NYMIKE... .   :'( :'(

My ''rescue'' and ''caretaker'' roles have appeared in T.

I am not sure why I am putting this out there but sometimes I feel like I am the lone ranger in all these failures.I feel very embarrassed,ashamed and less than.

NYMike,

Personal Inventory in a therapeutic setting asks us to look at patterns and where we developed a tendency to repeating those patterns.  Sometimes putting this all down on paper shouts of failure when it intends to move us toward greater success. 

You have nothing to be ashamed of Mike.  You are a caregiver.  What would this world be without caregivers? You should be proud of your warm heart and if you are like me and most caregivers, you would not want to change that wonderful characteristic that makes up your being. 

The " problem" with being a caregiver is we are programmed to save.  To rescue.  And, we indeed have a tendency to be drawn to and attract those that need rescuing and caregiving. And, its all to easy to loose ourselves with the very best intentions.

What I have learned about myself as a caregiver was that I developed into this role in my FOO and in many very unconscious ways felt I would be unlovable if I were anything but that a giving caregiver.  In part, this bcame a subconscious mask of my own. 

I have also had to work on boundaries.  I still am drawn to situations that need a rescuer but I dont dive in head first anymore.  I take care of myself first.  I am intuitive like most caregivers to the emotional state of others but I know it is not my place to take on anyone else bit my own emotional needs.

If I wrote out all of my past r/s as you did the common theme would be caregiver too.  And, easy to use up and them walk away from.   That was bc I got lost in the saving.  And I was saving emotionally unavailable partners. 

I am not ashamed one bit of that. I am proud I have a heart that feels.  I am proud that I mean what I say.  And I am most proud that I know how to put a boundary around that now which attracts a healthier piece of mind, healthier situations and emotionally available ppl.

Try to look at your past and your future that way Mike.

[Trog]

No, you're not alone. Many of us here are codependents who think of ours needs before our own and people who will take advantage of people like this will be naturally attracted to you. Thats why the work isnt about picking better, its about being better, attracting the right women and then picking naturally from a healthier pack.

[cloudten]

 

I am codependent. I actually had a T tell me that when i was trying to save my ADHD marriage. I didn't believe her. I read a very brief description and said "That's no me."  Well, now i am here... .and guess what... .I have never been more codependent in my life. Honestly, I still have no idea what that means... .but I know I have to figure it out before I make any more relationship decisions. What's sad is that I like taking care of people. How can it be so wrong and self destructive? I am a mother- so I get to do it there for a time. But I like serving my mate in a relationship. There is something that brings a lot of happiness to me. I suppose it just leads to being taken advantage of.

Sounds like you are digging deep though- which is GREAT! 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey NYMike, Many of the traits you describe are admirable qualities in the right context, but a BPD r/s is not a good context for a caretaker, in my view, because your kind nature is likely to get trampled in the BPD stampede.  Of course I am a caretaker, too, though it took a marriage to a pwBPD for me to figure that out.  Now I'm in a r/s with a kind and thoughtful woman, who appreciates my caring nature, so it is a whole different ball game.  Don't give up the ship; you have nothing to be ashamed of and we have all been there!  Perhaps you could regard your past as an opportunity to move forward, only more wisely this time.

LuckyJim

[livednlearned]

I feel very embarrassed,ashamed and less than.

I think this voice -- the one that says you're less than -- is common for people who arrive at bpdfamily.

I used to be less than, and when I found someone who was less than me, I felt better. I felt useful. If I could make him feel better, then I felt I was better. When I couldn't make him feel better, I felt worse.

Maybe you played a role in your family of origin where it was important to be the strong one? For me, admitting that I felt weak was soul crushing, but it was the beginning of the real healing.

[Lucky Jim]

For me, admitting that I felt weak was soul crushing, but it was the beginning of the real healing.

Agree w/you, L&L.  Caretaking, I suggest, comes from a place of anxiety, or as you describe it, the feeling of being "less than." 

At the end of the day, being a caretaker doesn't help you or the other person, in my view.  It fosters codependence and need.

Took me a long time to figure out that I wasn't doing my BPDxW any favors by being her rescuer.  In the process, I depleted my own reserves and nearly destroyed myself emotionally, physically and financially.

Now I'm on a different path.  Still challenging, but I'm a lot better off for it and now lead an authentic life.

LuckyJim

[christin5433]

For me, admitting that I felt weak was soul crushing, but it was the beginning of the real healing.

Agree w/you, L&L.  Caretaking, I suggest, comes from a place of anxiety, or as you describe it, the feeling of being "less than." 

At the end of the day, being a caretaker doesn't help you or the other person, in my view.  It fosters codependence and need.

Took me a long time to figure out that I wasn't doing my BPDxW any favors by being her rescuer.  In the process, I depleted my own reserves and nearly destroyed myself emotionally, physically and financially.

Now I'm on a different path.  Still challenging, but I'm a lot better off for it and now lead an authentic life.

LuckyJim

Good point I def agree admitting weakness for us caretaker types is debilitating . I know my head can't let some of this go. But I do know physically mentally and emotionally I'm weak right now. I def was depleted in my r/s and with its horrible end just took me over the edge. I can only save myself now. That's it. She isn't interested in me anymore I'm dead to her. I mean I am still her black I get mean words texted to me just because she can. It's not that big of a deal anymore because I feel sorry for her that she needs to blame me and hurt me to feel no shame. It's sad to me I can only be kind to her because its her disorder. I don't initiate conversation never did she controlled that in our r/s I was only texting her when shed text me or call me? I guess her calling me smothering and needy constantly made me conditioned to not initiate. I guess I felt I would be that if I showed her the person she met again the one she loved getting texts and calls from ? I felt I never knew how to act?

[going places]

One of my assignments for T was to do a relationship pattern and take a good long look at it.

What I found was very disturbing and very sad.What I found was I was with the same woman with different names.It was very scary to look at all the similarities.

What was real scary is each of the woman in the last 20 years of my life have had severe issues and they abandoned me and discarded me like I never was there.

I have relived this abandonment over and over with these woman.This was so painful to look at in T.

Rhetorical Question (I am asking myself also)

WHAT from my past, drives me to make these choices?

Is it a 'mommy' issue, where she was emotionally and physically unavailable, and I spent my childhood trying to 'earn' her love; only to be tossed aside like yesterdays news? So this pattern is burned into my brain and that is why I chose the 'male' (because he is NO man) I chose?

And it's no wonder; he is a carbon copy of my mother?

SO moving forward HOW do I NOT chose this type of person again?

That's the 1,000,000.00 question.

These are the woman I ended up with in my life.

1- Drunks - I tried to save

2- Drug Users - I tried to save

What *I* have learned from trying to "save" an addict is this: You can't.

Never again will I spend my precious life and energy on trying to 'save' an addict.

I am more than happy to provide them the tools to break their addictions, but ultimately, I am NOT responsible for their recovery or relapse.

For me personally, when I was in "Savior Mode" I was a control freak-egomaniac. I thought *I* could save them.

*I* am no one's Holy Spirit. *I* am no one's "Savior".

I have enough on my own plate.

3 - Sexually Abused Woman- I tried to care for and show different

4- Promiscuous Woman - I tried to make a house wife and show them romance in bed

Usually the two go hand in hand, and it's so sad.

Abused women need healing before they can experience true love making.

All you can do it point them in that direction.

5 - Woman that were abused by Mom or Dad or Both- I tried to show them tenderness

6- Woman that blame everyone for there crappy life- I tried to show Personal Accountability

7- Very seductive woman and sexy woman- I enjoyed the sex life

8- Woman that were married and divorced on avg of 2.5 times- I was a shoulder to cry on

9- Woman that had kids that were troubled/abused - I tried to love and care for the kids

THIS RIGHT HERE is why *I* will not date, anytime soon.

The very last thing I need in my life right now is to pick someone "just like my ex".

That is a fear, worse than death.

That is ALSO why when/if I do date? Sex is not on the menu.

I am not a used car; there are no free test rides.

Getting involved sexually before KNOWING the person (like a year or more) is just begging for trouble. IMHO

10- Woman that end up HATING ME and RESENTING ME- Not sure why.

Maybe in your rescue efforts you are pointing out to them all of their faults and short comings and it come across as "they are damaged and you are perfect"? Who knows... .If I did know I would tell you... .cause I asked myself that same question:

After 25 years of love, devotion, etc... .why did he do what he did?

Today, I don't care what the answer is: I just don't want to make the same mistake again.

These are a few of the personalities I attract or they come to me.In the span of 21 years sober I am ashamed to admit that I have had 15 relationship failures that all seemed to be played out over and over with the same endings.

INSANITY= Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

One common denominator is NYMIKE... .   :'( :'(

My ''rescue'' and ''caretaker'' roles have appeared in T.

I am not sure why I am putting this out there but sometimes I feel like I am the lone ranger in all these failures.I feel very embarrassed,ashamed and less than.

What is the course of action the T recommended to break this cycle / pattern of behavior?

Surely he / she has a plan or steps to be taken to break this cycle?