I want to still have a relationship with my BPDex family.

[groundbreaker]

I won't go into details about my ex at this time.

I was friends with my BPDex's brother for 10 years prior to even meeting her. We were not super close but we still called and hung out with each other.

Her mother and me bonded heavily over our 5 year relationship. The bond started when her drug abuse (BPDex) became a big issue. After the bad times of the abuse she was an "angel" and so me and her mom had normal life oriented conversations. In her moms eyes I was the "one" and she couldn't have been happier for her to daughter to be with me. She had told me a lot of this after this last breakup. Skipping to the last 7 weeks was when I last talked to her mother, and it was because of a issue with my BPDex. We both cried and talked about how it's going to be so hard to not see each other, and how my BPDex ruined the relationship and was ruining her mother/daughter relationship.

I really want to see her mother again to talk and hang out like we did before, but not bring up my BPDex.  

I want to see my friend (her brother) but not feel weird about it. (He always asked how I could stay with her.)

I don't know what to do it's been 2 months NC for my BPDex and she's seeing somebody that's in jail.

It's been 6 weeks since I've talked to her mom, and 2 months for her brother.

Thanks

[Suzn]

Hi groundbreaker  

Welcome to bpdfamily.com.

It's difficult to leave our exes families behind in our breakups, sorry to hear you're struggling with this.

Continuing to reach out to her family is your choice. Do you think it's possible your interactions will end up including conversations about your ex and the relationship? Seeing that it's only been 2 months of NC, that's fairly recent. I would be concerned about trauma bonds, especially with her mother, and how healthy these relationships would be for you this soon.

How are you doing with this breakup?

[Heldfast]

I am having a tough time with this subject. Her mom, who is a fused BPD, and I still talk, she knows I loved her daughter a great deal and thinks well of me, and hates, absolutely hates the old boyfriend she ran off with. Her dad is the problem. When Exfiancee split, Daddy came in and immediately bought her a ticket back to their home city, but she didn't stay with them. She then used this place as a transition to rough off to the former boyfriend in Seattle. They had no idea she was even gone. He texted me to tell me he'd talk to me after he had all the facts. Hey ass, the man she was living with for 2 1/2 years may know a thing about what's going on. 7 weeks later, and her moved across country and he still won't speak to me. So the mom and I are good, the dad and I are nothing, and her cousin (who is also diagnosed BPD) still chats with me online. The only mutual friends she keeps in touch with are her enables, who think either 1) This is just who she is, there's nothing wrong here, or 2) Ohh, she went back to her true love, even though she was engaged and had to abandon that life, this is so great. The brother likes me, but is so confused by all this he's staying out of it.

[groundbreaker]

@Suzn

Thank you for the response and the welcome.

One of the things I'm contemplating is how the next interaction would go between her mom and myself. Her mom has expressed all sorts of feelings about her daughter and the way she treated me and has treated her. At the last time of our conversation neither one of knew or thought about her daughter being a BPD. It wasn't til after the breakup did I find the paths that lead to her having BPD. At first I thought it was just an addiction issue, but it went way deeper than that. After my ex broke up with me she had some benders in which she got violent with her mother. Her mother nearly lost it and had to start to go to counseling to learn how to deal with her daughter and learn to get her to move out. Her mom was definitely the enabler, and her father the passive digressive. Both amazing people though.  After my ex left me and the issues with her daughter becoming more and more of a problem her mother would talk with me because I was the only other one that dealt with her behavior. I did not know she was already seeing somebody else. I thought this was just another time my ex was cycling me. After finding out she was seeing somebody else. ( I called her and that was when she told me about how she "loved" the new guy only after 3 weeks and 4 dates, slammed me with every bad thing in the book, and I really understood being painted black. All lies and distortions) That was the first day of NC for me and my ex. For about 3 weeks after that I had still talked with her mom she was my support on trying to deal with how she could literally go from getting ready to get engaged with me to making me the worse person she ever known and how she wish she never met me. Her mom was starting to hate her own daughter after I told her all the things I or the ex ever told anyone. How she made me feel in our relationship. How much compromise I gave my ex. Her mother couldn't believe that it was her daughter. So last I know her daughter went to the hospital for ODing and "losing her mind" came back to still go visit this dude in jail. While her mother is going to counseling to learn how to deal with her daughter. I don't know if things have gotten better with them. (BPDex is probably putting up a front so she can stay at home). I just want to have my friend back where we don't need to talk about her daughter.

Opps . I need to finish the other part of this post I accidentally hit post.

[groundbreaker]

I'm not still sure how I feel I'm taking the breakup.

Like most people here when they first feel this "final" split there is confusion, hatred, love, sadness, loneliness, betrayal, and every other emotion tied to something like this. Our breakup was not clean nor mature.

I care and I don't about her. I want her to feel like I do and think about what she did. At the same time I don't care.

I know she broke part of me. I read facebook posts of mine prior to us getting together I was a much more confident man and I can feel what she basiclly beat out of me and how it changed me. So there is resentment as well.

I sometimes think about calling her, but I know it will get me nowhere knowing I'm "black" in her eyes.

Needless to say I KNOW I'm a good man a boyfriend etc. Even during her talk with me on the phone she told me so while also saying " I do love you" twice, but I don't know if I believe that either. It was all mixed in with all the black she was painting me.

[Suzn]

It's really good to hear her mother has reached out for help, I was going to ask about that. How about you, have you considered a therapist to help you through?

We all get the hurt and confusion here, I'm glad you found us and decided to join. My first thought is of you, how re~engaging with the family may keep you intertwined in feeling hurt and confused. We all go back and forth with how we feel about the breakup, that's completely normal. Do you have family or friends outside of her family to go to for support?

My second thought is for her mother and how difficult this may be for her. Her daughter's behaviors probably aren't all that new to her however now that there may be a name for the issues (BPD) and her needing to be diligent about new skills she will have to master to deal with her daughter is a lot to take in. My question for you is will a relationship with her be difficult for her given all that she's getting ready to be or is dealing with?

Don't get me wrong groundbreaker, you have probably been a good friend to lean on for her however the possibility of triangulation here is high. And if your ex is living with her mom, your relationship with her mother could be triggering for your ex. I'm just saying it could add turmoil during a time when her mother, with all her new found information, needs to try to stay centered herself. Does that make sense?

[groundbreaker]

It's really good to hear her mother has reached out for help, I was going to ask about that. How about you, have you considered a therapist to help you through?

Yes, I've considered it multiple times. I have a hard time spending the type of money they ask. I have a good job but to think I need to spend more money because of her makes me a bit upset. I'm still searching for a reasonably priced T. I have not denied that it could help. It's like after she's gone I need to still pay money for her. I know its for "me" but it's due to her.

We all get the hurt and confusion here, I'm glad you found us and decided to join. My first thought is of you, how re~engaging with the family may keep you intertwined in feeling hurt and confused. We all go back and forth with how we feel about the breakup, that's completely normal. Do you have family or friends outside of her family to go to for support?

I'm not looking for the support of my ex's mother, but the friendship. We spent many many hours talking about everything and that's what I miss and  not lose. I'm not looking to talk to her everyday like before but to keep a friendship. One that she told me she wanted on the last day she talked with me.

Yes and no on the family / friends support. They are willing to talk and listen, but they don't get it what I feel in that sense, so it feels a bit lackluster. I may have just joined this site but for at least 6 weeks I've been reading posts and haven't understood enough to post til now. This site and the people have probably given me more than my personal relationships have regarding this.

That's also part of my dilemma as much as I'm weak with some of these emotions, I feel like I should not let this over take me and say it doesn't matter what her daughter thinks. Being friends with the family still should not be controlled by her. You know what I mean?

My second thought is for her mother and how difficult this may be for her. Her daughter's behaviors probably aren't all that new to her however now that there may be a name for the issues (BPD) and her needing to be diligent about new skills she will have to master to deal with her daughter is a lot to take in. My question for you is will a relationship with her be difficult for her given all that she's getting ready to be or is dealing with?

The thing about her mother is I don't think she knows about BPD. I don't want to tell her either. That's another part of this equation. Unless her T has spotted the signs and informed her she still thinks it's drug addiction and the trauma she had experienced at a young age with doctors. On an additional note I don't know if I would even have an issue with her mom saying how she feels about her daughter. I know she has a condition I know she's seeing somebody. My ex already told me the most painful part. She loves somebody else and she slept with him. There isn't much more that could be said to hurt me. In the 5 years or cycling she never went to somebody else til now, but this guy is a drug / alcohol addict and that's what he's in jail for. So in my eyes it's her loss not mine, she's the making the mistakes not me. I had a friend that works at the jail that told me about it because he saw her at the jail visiting and he didn't know why she was up there so he looked into and found all sorts of bad things about this guy. I've sworn to myself that i wouldn't tell her mom about it because I already know her daughter lied to her about him. I don't want to cause "drama" in their world. It's not my place anymore. So I wonder if me reaching out would cause issues with the same things you asked me. I know her mom is an adult and she would either let me know or just not respond. It would hurt if I didn't get a response because how close we became but I guess that I can't blame her. It's a touchy area.

Don't get me wrong groundbreaker, you have probably been a good friend to lean on for her however the possibility of triangulation here is high. And if your ex is living with her mom, your relationship with her mother could be triggering for your ex. I'm just saying it could add turmoil during a time when her mother, with all her new found information, needs to try to stay centered herself. Does that make sense?

You make complete sense. I'm not saying to lie about it, but does my ex really need to know we're still in contact if that was to happen?

[Suzn]

I totally get feeling like it's because of your ex that you may want to seek out a T however most of us here have found that the reasons behind why we stayed with a person with BPD go back further than our last relationship. Searching out a T helps us get through the confusion of it all and it also helps us see what we can work on in our selves so we don't end up in another relationship just like the one we just left.

Groundbreaker from what you've shared would it be safe to say you're still attached? You are still involved in knowing what you're ex is up to, with your friends sharing the information about her new boyfriend. Information that may have been better left unsaid.

Being friends with her mother is your call. Please understand her mother may not be emotionally mature enough to let you know if she needs space. And if not she will likely continue to tell her you her thoughts of what's going on with her daughter which will most certainly not help you with detaching emotionally.

It's not important that there is a label of BPD with her mom and her therapist. Addictions are however apart of the criteria BPD so it's possible her therapist to figure it out anyway. Nevertheless, they will ultimately be dealing with behaviours, that of your ex and her mother's going forward.

I also understand friends and family that don't get it, that's what we're here for. We get it here and are here for additional support. Working with a T and using the knowledge we get with this support group is beneficial for everyone here.

I'd like to add that, imho, this isn't about your ex controlling the situation, it's about you controlling what's in your, and others involved, best interests.

[groundbreaker]

I totally get feeling like it's because of your ex that you may want to seek out a T however most of us here have found that the reasons behind why we stayed with a person with BPD go back further than our last relationship. Searching out a T helps us get through the confusion of it all and it also helps us see what we can work on in our selves so we don't end up in another relationship just like the one we just left.

Thanks for putting that into perspective. I'll take some time to process that.

Groundbreaker from what you've shared would it be safe to say you're still attached? You are still involved in knowing what you're ex is up to, with your friends sharing the information about her new boyfriend. Information that may have been better left unsaid.

The information that I was given about her new b/f was the first week of NC. 7 weeks ago. Heck as much as I wanted to at the time call her and be like What the heck are you thinking I didn't. That's why this whole mother / brother thing is bothering me. I really haven't gotten into the brother situation. Like we were buddies and he probably doesn't even care he has called her crazy multiple times to me and her. He's the one I should not even have a issue hanging out with, but I do. I almost don't know how to talk to him normally.

Being friends with her mother is your call. Please understand her mother may not be emotionally mature enough to let you know if she needs space. And if not she will likely continue to tell her you her thoughts of what's going on with her daughter which will most certainly not help you with detaching emotionally.

This is something that has kept me from making a phone call. I just don't know what her thoughts are on all this. The reason we kind of stopped talking is because she wanted me to heal.

It's not important that there is a label of BPD with her mom and her therapist. Addictions are however apart of the criteria BPD so it's possible her therapist to figure it out anyway. Nevertheless, they will ultimately be dealing with behaviours, that of your ex and her mother's going forward.

This is very true. I'm also not a fan of labeling but this has been the only way I could identify what happened when this blind sided me like it did.

I also understand friends and family that don't get it, that's what we're here for. We get it here and are here for additional support. Working with a T and using the knowledge we get with this support group is beneficial for everyone here.

Thank you. I almost feel pushy when I post because I'm still looking for answers.

I'd like to add that, imho, this isn't about your ex controlling the situation, it's about you controlling what's in your, and others involved, best interests.

With that thought that's what makes me not want to have her influence my other relationships. Even if it is her mother. I'm still friends with another ex parents 15 years later. That breakup was a mutual break and there was no issues really in the relationship we just didn't know what we wanted we were young.  We talk about once a month briefly but we weren't nearly as close as my recent ex family.

[Suzn]

Don't feel you're being pushy... .we all learn from each other here, jump in. 

Welcome to the Family groundbreaker.

[billypilgrim]

I'm sorry that you're going through this.  Losing friends and family is just another piece of collateral damage that these relationships cause when they finally meet their demise.

I've struggled with this as well.  Her family became my family and for detachment purposes and growth purposes, there's really no way forward for me with the majority of her family.  It just wouldn't work.  Especially given her mother is a dBPD and now my ex's roommate (she left her husband a month or so after mine left me).  One piece of encouragement that I can offer is that as you detach from her, your desire to see and be with her family will as well.

Losing my father in law has been rough.  We had grown pretty close, to the point that we were doing things together on weekends and such.  Golf, drinks, going to games, etc.  

I will likely always keep in touch with her Uncle.  We also grew very close and he is the only one I have remained in contact with, though not in the same capacity as we were before.  

I think it's best to focus on you right now though.  The people from her end of the r/s that are important to you will find a way to remain.  It may not be the same as it was before but give it time.  

[groundbreaker]

One piece of encouragement that I can offer is that as you detach from her, your desire to see and be with her family will as well.

This is what I don't understand, because of her I need to lose more things. I don't see how that's right. I want to be me and not let her decisions and actions influence what I want in life. I can understand if her mother and brother said "I don't think this is a good idea" but, I don't even know that because I haven't talked to them. More than likely they don't want to upset me either, but once again they don't know.