Why does it feel like they get away with everything?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I will spare all the details, I'm suffering a little bit today for reasons I can't explain. 

It seems like people with BPD (even though the temporarily suffer internally) get away with a lot of crap they push on to people.  They destroy people, and move on to next thing without a second thought, leaving a path of destruction with absolutely no guilt.  There always seem to be a better resource available to them the next time around that will willingly bend over and take the beating.   How do they have so many enablers? 

My ex seems to be getting everything she wanted after we split (another big wedding a year after our divorce was finalized, bigger house, bigger diamond ring, more money from her husband).  It makes me sick to think she - as lousy as she is - was not dealt a large amount of karma for who badly she treated me.   It's as if she had all of her wishes granted.

I've done my part to move on and my life got better once she left - that is obvious.  I remember having a huge amount of weight lifted from my shoulders once I told her I was done.  But I'm wondering if it's wrong to feel this way and why I'm not letting go of my anger.   I hate these feelings and I don't want to be that type of person.  I really don't. 

One of the lamest lines of wisdom is "living well is best revenge".  Really?  I can't feel that way at all.  How can we really live "well" when you feel like justice is never being served? 

Thoughts on this?  Sorry for rambling.

[expos]

I will spare all the details, I'm suffering a little bit today for reasons I can't explain. 

It seems like people with BPD (even though the temporarily suffer internally) get away with a lot of crap they push on to people.  They destroy people, and move on to next thing without a second thought, leaving a path of destruction with absolutely no guilt.  There always seem to be a better resource available to them the next time around that will willingly bend over and take the beating.   How do they have so many enablers? 

My ex seems to be getting everything she wanted after we split (another big wedding a year after our divorce was finalized, bigger house, bigger diamond ring, more money from her husband).  It makes me sick to think she - as lousy as she is - was not dealt a large amount of karma for who badly she treated me.   It's as if she had all of her wishes granted.

I've done my part to move on and my life got better once she left - that is obvious.  I remember having a huge amount of weight lifted from my shoulders once I told her I was done.  But I'm wondering if it's wrong to feel this way and why I'm not letting go of my anger.   I hate these feelings and I don't want to be that type of person.  I really don't. 

One of the lamest lines of wisdom is "living well is best revenge".  Really?  I can't feel that way at all.  How can we really live "well" when you feel like justice is never being served? 

Thoughts on this?  Sorry for rambling.

[mstnghu]

Unfortunately, I can't be much help but you do have support here. I've wondered the same thing many times. My mother-in-law is my wife's biggest enabler. She knows how crazy my wife is but still insists on "sugar-coating" everything she does.  My wife has gotten away with so much BS from her over the years that nobody seems to be willing to stand up against. I don't put up with it though and that's what starts many fights between us. She can't handle it when anybody stands up to her and goes nuts when she can't get her way all the time.

My MIL always asks how things are going between us and when I tell her honestly how bad things really are, she always attributes my wife's behavior to just being a typical woman. No, she's not a typical woman. Her behavior is completely unacceptable at times. For example, just the other day my wife and I were in an argument in the kitchen while she was making an appetizer for a Super Bowl party at my brother's house and she was telling me she wants an immediate divorce. She then goes on to say (while my 3 1/2 year old son is watching cartoons in the next room) that luckily our son is a complete f**cking retard and doesn't realize what's going on between us because otherwise he'd turn out f**cked up. She actually said that... .and has never apologized since. I tried to convince her to just stay home and I'd go to my brother's house with my son on our own. She insisted on coming though and when she got there she put on her typical happy face and pretended everything was just fine.

[enlighten me]

I agree its a bitter pill to swallow. They may never seem to get their comeupence but they do. We just dont get to see it.

Weve probably all dreamt of revenge. Of pulling the rug from beneath them and showing the world who they really are. Yes it would feel good for a little while. What feels so much better though is moving on. Living our lives and prospering. We are not parasites that have to live off of someone else. We can rebuild, prosper and more importantly love.

The one thing that really hurt my ex was seeing her exs happy. It is something they strive for but will never have.

If you want her to get her comeupence then live a happy fulfilling life without her.

[Tim300]

I will spare all the details, I'm suffering a little bit today for reasons I can't explain. 

It seems like people with BPD (even though the temporarily suffer internally) get away with a lot of crap they push on to people.  They destroy people, and move on to next thing without a second thought, leaving a path of destruction with absolutely no guilt.  There always seem to be a better resource available to them the next time around that will willingly bend over and take the beating.   How do they have so many enablers? 

My ex seems to be getting everything she wanted after we split (another big wedding a year after our divorce was finalized, bigger house, bigger diamond ring, more money from her husband).  It makes me sick to think she - as lousy as she is - was not dealt a large amount of karma for who badly she treated me.   It's as if she had all of her wishes granted.

I've done my part to move on and my life got better once she left - that is obvious.  I remember having a huge amount of weight lifted from my shoulders once I told her I was done.  But I'm wondering if it's wrong to feel this way and why I'm not letting go of my anger.   I hate these feelings and I don't want to be that type of person.  I really don't. 

One of the lamest lines of wisdom is "living well is best revenge".  Really?  I can't feel that way at all.  How can we really live "well" when you feel like justice is never being served? 

Thoughts on this?  Sorry for rambling.

I year you.  It is quite disturbing.  It is frustrating that people enable this stuff.  I think part of the enabling comes from the fact that most people simply have no idea what BPD is.  Another part of it is that the pwBPD can often manufacture a lot of the information that comes through to the enablers.  My ex's primary enabler was her mother, who also strongly displays the traits of BPD and accordingly had a disordered way of thinking.  As a secondary enabler, my ex had a guy on the side (much, much below her caliber) to run a couple errands for her very 6 months or so just to spice things up in her current relationship at the time.  (What a loser this guy is.)  Otherwise my ex pretty much had no consistent, nearby long-term friends -- so there weren't many enablers.  What can we do about it?  Not much.  I want to educate people about BPD when it's practical to do so.  Also, I want to avoid enabling PD behavior by not keeping in close touch with people I suspect have PDs, not acting like things are normal and attending their weddings, not getting involved with a women who appears to be leaving a trail of destruction behind her, etc.

This new husband of hers is a delusional enabler (perhaps unwittingly) and he has got it coming to him.  The big house, etc., it's all going to come crumbling down in a painful way for him.  

[ShadowIntheNight]

I agree its a bitter pill to swallow. They may never seem to get their comeupence but they do. We just dont get to see it.

Weve probably all dreamt of revenge. Of pulling the rug from beneath them and showing the world who they really are. Yes it would feel good for a little while. What feels so much better though is moving on. Living our lives and prospering. We are not parasites that have to live off of someone else. We can rebuild, prosper and more importantly love.

The one thing that really hurt my ex was seeing her exs happy. It is something they strive for but will never have.

If you want her to get her comeupence then live a happy fulfilling life without her.

You know that second to last thing you said is true. She was away from her exH, been divorced for 10 yrs and we were together 9.5 yrs. She became ENRAGED 4 years ago when he bought a new home with his new wife. The first 6 yrs we were together, it never seemed to bother her about him and she was glad he was out of her life. After he got that home, she intensely hated him. And I mean intensely. It was as if the cycle was reversed: usually you hate someone more after the end of the divorce and over time it eases. Not with her.

And he didn't buy the house, his father had to buy it for him as he on his own couldn't afford it. She knew this and it still infuriated her. She even knew we had a better relationship, to no avail. The whole thing is mind blowing to this moment. I had no idea she was that shallow and had such a fragile ego. No idea. She hid it quite well.

[Tim300]

Of pulling the rug from beneath them and showing the world who they really are.

Oh how I wish there was a foolproof public online registry of the names of pwBPD.

The one thing that really hurt my ex was seeing her exs happy.

Yes.  I think what really annoyed my ex and her mother (both pwBPD) was to see exes go on to live happy, stable lives.  Also, it annoyed them to lose power over the ex, which was evidenced by the ex going NC or otherwise not providing any positive or negative attention.    

[Tim300]

For example, just the other day my wife and I were in an argument in the kitchen while she was making an appetizer for a Super Bowl party at my brother's house and she was telling me she wants an immediate divorce. She then goes on to say (while my 3 1/2 year old son is watching cartoons in the next room) that luckily our son is a complete f**cking retard and doesn't realize what's going on between us because otherwise he'd turn out f**cked up. She actually said that... .and has never apologized since. I tried to convince her to just stay home and I'd go to my brother's house with my son on our own. She insisted on coming though and when she got there she put on her typical happy face and pretended everything was just fine.

Thanks for sharing this.  It's amazing how similar (and disturbing) the BPD stories are here.

[Trog]

This is going to sound harsh, but your question regarding justice, she, nor the justice to be meeted out is any of your business. Just like what my ex is doing, whether she moves onto a better life is none of my business. You've left, your only responsibility is to you and even thinking about justice for her is a waste of energy that could be used to better improve your life. In the end, just like the rest of us, she has to answer to her maker, no matter what we think or hope for them.

[clydegriffith]

I think the BPDx pretty much got away with everything because she's a woman. Had the roles been reversed and i had done to her what she did to me there is no doubt in my mind i would be in jail. Heck, i almost went to jail because she went to the police on multiple ocassions and accused me of doing what she had done to me. I count my blessings every day i'm in the position i'm in as it could have easily been much, much worse.

[Mutt]

How do they have so many enablers?

I pondered on why my ex wife was enabled for so long. A part of me wanted to help her and I understand that I can't and it saddened me that someone didn't help her and why are they burying their heads in the sand. Are they delusional?

I'll take my ex MIL as an example. My ex was having issues with my SD15 at home last summer and sent her off to her grandmothers's. My SD was acting out because of what was going on at home. She's going through adolescent stuff and is having a hard time coping with the changes with the separation, invalidated by her father, new step-dad and conflict with mom. I think truly difficult circumstances for such a young woman.

To make a long story short. My exMIL had kicked out my ex wife when she was around the same age. I'm not sure if she knows about BPD and the story she would tell is that my wife had started acting out around the same age as SD. Now I do know there are FOO issues going further back with MIL and her mom and dad. The story is that MIL had my exwife when she was 18 and left my ex with her mother and father for a period of about 2 years. It's speculation and I think this is where my ex wife developed BPD. I did hear of sexual abuse - the skeleton in the closet. I have also heard her grandfather was a mean alcoholic through various ex inlaws.

So, my ex MIL took in my SD for a period of about 2 months and through her out and she went back to mom's. I'm not sure that I would say she's delusional enabler, I think it could be that my exMIL has feelings that she's not comfortable with. Perhaps she's not comfortable with owning her own issues and it looks bad on her if she can't handle her grand daughter, it's easier to put the onus on her. A cycle perhaps? My poor SD15.

I think that my exMIL doesn't know any better and this could be the way she copes? She tries to help my exwife and not always in the best way, she makes things worse in the long run. Her hearts in the right place, unfortunately I don't think she fully grasps the bigger picture and doesn't seem to be very self aware.

Am I delusional? I'm a fixer / caretaker type and I also tried to fix things in the relationship. I didn't understand I was making things worse as well. Is she delusional? I don't think so. I think she has her own issues and it stems from her FOO. I think she tries and she cares, she doesn't understand that her actions are detrimental to her family and a loved one with BPD.

[Mr Hollande]

While what they've done to various people along the way may never be resolved and redeemed the karma is within them forever.

[raisins3142]

I think they carefully control information flow.

They keep different groups separate in their lives so they do not communicate with each other and figure her out.

Mine wasn't close to her family, so I wasn't going to be close to them.

And she kept different friend groups separate, and limited my ability to be contacted by others.

Then she used this privacy and her lying to craft reality.

Also, she didn't have the need I have, which is when something is bad and I need support I feel the need to be honest with others about the ordeal.

I think she just told them whatever in order to get the validation she needs, and didn't much care if it corresponded to reality.

[.cup.car]

It seems like people with BPD (even though the temporarily suffer internally) get away with a lot of crap they push on to people. How do they have so many enablers? 

It makes me sick to think she - as lousy as she is - was not dealt a large amount of karma for who badly she treated me.  It's as if she had all of her wishes granted.

I've done my part to move on and my life got better once she left - that is obvious.  I remember having a huge amount of weight lifted from my shoulders once I told her I was done.  But I'm wondering if it's wrong to feel this way and why I'm not letting go of my anger.   I hate these feelings and I don't want to be that type of person.  I really don't. 

One of the lamest lines of wisdom is "living well is best revenge".  Really?  I can't feel that way at all.  How can we really live "well" when you feel like justice is never being served? 

Thoughts on this?  Sorry for rambling.

A pretty face helps.

I remember the first time I tried to seriously talk to one of my longtime friends about her and all the stuff that happened after we broke up (harassment, stalking, etc... .). And of course, he sided with me and gave me the metaphorical pat on the back because we're decent human beings and know the way she treated me wasn't cool.

Showed him a picture of her. Suddenly the feedback changed to "you should find a way to fxxk her again, but like, on her terms, at her place, so she can't twist anything against you... .because bro, that's a 10."

[.cup.car]

I think I should split my posts and respond in a more mature way though, because I understand how you feel, OP.

The main thing that bothers me, and I guess it took 150+ posts for me to get here, is that I've built my life practically by myself. I didn't rely on my dad to find me a job, I made connections and got on with a good crew by being a reputable person. Dad never bailed me out if I got in trouble with the police; I simply made smart decisions to avoid activities that attract the police altogether. Dad never helped me draft up the court documents regarding the restraining order - I worked on all 100+ pages myself, sometimes on days I should have been celebrating, like my birthday.

Meanwhile, she is physically incapable of holding a job for more than a few shifts. She is on several different online dating sites, sometimes multiple accounts on the same site, just for her different sexual orientations. When somebody calls her a name on the internet, daddy jumps in and makes empty legal threats for saying "mean and disgusting things." Somebody applies for a restraining order on her? Daddy lies for her in court. Wants to go to tech school despite having nowhere near the marks required? Daddy's an instructor and pulls some strings. Gets fired from her job for being a lousy employee? Daddy shows up the next day and yells at her former manager.

I drive across the city once a week to her hometown, in order to receive domestic violence counseling for how she's treated me. These sessions aren't fun, they aren't a "nice break from work", they outright suck, but they help. When I outright told her family in court I'd be attending these sessions because that's what the police & victim services referred me to, they attempted to claim I'd use the sessions as an excuse to drive to their town & stalk their daughter.

Literally in domestic violence counseling, exhibiting behavior consistent with that of someone who's been abused in a relationship, and yet there's an entire family who thinks I'm some crazy nutjob making up stories about their daughter despite the fact that her father at one point had called the police on her four times in a month and knows dxxn well why I brought her to court.

OP you triggered me.

[Tim300]

It seems like people with BPD (even though the temporarily suffer internally) get away with a lot of crap they push on to people. How do they have so many enablers? 

It makes me sick to think she - as lousy as she is - was not dealt a large amount of karma for who badly she treated me.  It's as if she had all of her wishes granted.

I've done my part to move on and my life got better once she left - that is obvious.  I remember having a huge amount of weight lifted from my shoulders once I told her I was done.  But I'm wondering if it's wrong to feel this way and why I'm not letting go of my anger.   I hate these feelings and I don't want to be that type of person.  I really don't. 

One of the lamest lines of wisdom is "living well is best revenge".  Really?  I can't feel that way at all.  How can we really live "well" when you feel like justice is never being served? 

Thoughts on this?  Sorry for rambling.

A pretty face helps.

I remember the first time I tried to seriously talk to one of my longtime friends about her and all the stuff that happened after we broke up (harassment, stalking, etc... .). And of course, he sided with me and gave me the metaphorical pat on the back because we're decent human beings and know the way she treated me wasn't cool.

Showed him a picture of her. Suddenly the feedback changed to "you should find a way to fxxk her again, but like, on her terms, at her place, so she can't twist anything against you... .because bro, that's a 10."

Their looks will help mostly while they are still of childbearing age.  In regards to your friend's comment, I would note to him: no borderline is a 10.  Severe mental illness is not sexy.  A good-looking borderline is not a catch.  Connecting with a borderline is not an accomplishment.  Risking pregnancy, or other problems, with a borderline is not worth a quick thrill.

[hoaianhcameron]

Well, my case might answer your question.

He stole and cheated my money at the time he had affair and after i kicked him out of the apartment. I have to say, i was always careful about money matter in relationship but there i was... .He always remind me how he sacrificed his job, friends, family and Paris (he's French) to go to Japan with me, how he spend his last dime for it; how miserable his childhood was; always appeared so emotionally vulnerable... .that i let him get away with this by considering those money are for all the gifts he showered me... .

And recently, i found out that he backstabbed me by telling everyone i used him financially. I was so frustrated because in my entire life, i never mess up financially with anyone; plus i was the one who paid more since i had a decent job in Japan (his dad sent him 500 euro/month for living in Tokyo). I didn't give a d*amn to explain to his friends but i asked him for responsibility of telling the truth but he denied that he told that to everyone. I was so angry to the point that i threatened him if i ever heard that anymore in my life, i will file the necessary and work with the police about the stolen money above. ... .he always know my weakness is about family so here he goes: his grandma suddenly diagnosed with cancer, his dad getting superbly weak... .

We broke up more than 3 months now, alot of dramas. I couldn't go NC until 2 days ago due to some other financial responsibility i asked him to take because i already took paid the bigger part and am in a financial difficulty that i cannot take everything.

[raisins3142]

Their looks will help mostly while they are still of childbearing age.  In regards to your friend's comment, I would note to him: no borderline is a 10.  Severe mental illness is not sexy.  A good-looking borderline is not a catch.  Connecting with a borderline is not an accomplishment.  Risking pregnancy, or other problems, with a borderline is not worth a quick thrill.

Good point.  BPD easily subtracts 8 points on a 0 to 10 scale, allowing negative values here I suppose.

Mine is already aging rapidly due to constant scowling and use of harsh skin products and her 20s spent blacked out.

Once she really hits the wall, she won't have anything to lure in a man she'd like, other than her false charms.

I suppose she'll get more cats or have to date someone that has absolutely no other options.

[propunchingbag]

Their looks will help mostly while they are still of childbearing age.  In regards to your friend's comment, I would note to him: no borderline is a 10.  Severe mental illness is not sexy.  A good-looking borderline is not a catch.  Connecting with a borderline is not an accomplishment.  Risking pregnancy, or other problems, with a borderline is not worth a quick thrill.

Good point.  BPD easily subtracts 8 points on a 0 to 10 scale, allowing negative values here I suppose.

Mine is already aging rapidly due to constant scowling and use of harsh skin products and her 20s spent blacked out.

Once she really hits the wall, she won't have anything to lure in a man she'd like, other than her false charms.

I suppose she'll get more cats or have to date someone that has absolutely no other options.

Funny you say this. Mine will make comments like "No I'm old and fat and if you leave me no one else would want me". She is 45, not fat, not ugly (except on the inside). Fear Obligation and Guilt are all tools of the skilled BPD. Remember to recognize that fact.

To the OP. They find enablers and treat them like Prince Charming/ Princess Charming. Its the rescue me/my hero stuff that keeps many people on the hook.

I think the anger is a necessary part of the equation. You should be angry, you were treated horribly for a long period of time. You will let go one day but today is not the day. Give yourself a break and realize that you have done the right thing for yourself and continue to angry for as long as it takes. Just don't dwell on it and allow it to consume you.

[Heldfast]

Not to be the debbie downer on this one, but have you seen what happens to alot of these people? If you think they get away with it, maybe you're right, in the short term. Some heal as they get older, and regulate better with time. Others, as older adults (45 and older) reported greater social dysfunction, more lifetime hospitalizations, and feelings of chronic emptiness. The incidence of suicide attempts are very high. No one wins in this.

[NYMike]

In many ways my EX got hers.She is 48

In the beginning I was so full of rage and anger I wanted to ''get even'' or have her ''get hers''.As time has gone on I am looking at things different.

She has to live with the decisions she has made all her life.That alone is hell for her.She destroyed everything in her life and continues to destroy it all.

2 failed marriages/failed past relationships

Forclosed on her home

To much debt and she owes so much

18 Year old daughter cuts herself

Cocaine addict

No Credit

Lives with her older sister/homeless

Old rotted out car

No Friends

To much Drama/No Peace

Can't manage money

The list goes on and on how she got her's in the end.These days I am actually feeling sorry for her that she has Mental Illness.

Even if she enters a new relationship it will be destroyed and turn ugly.

I am getting closer to indifference day to day.I pray daily God will get her the help she needs through Mental Health or Drug Rehab before they find her dead.

[expos]

To the OP. They find enablers and treat them like Prince Charming/ Princess Charming. Its the rescue me/my hero stuff that keeps many people on the hook.

I think the anger is a necessary part of the equation. You should be angry, you were treated horribly for a long period of time. You will let go one day but today is not the day. Give yourself a break and realize that you have done the right thing for yourself and continue to angry for as long as it takes. Just don't dwell on it and allow it to consume you.

Thanks.  I needed to hear this today.  Although mine didn't do any of the damsel in distress stuff with me, I can only speculate she did that with her new husband: "He didn't understand me" "He left me and didn't love me" "He worked too much" - all BULLSH!T.

I think bitterness is natural - as well as wanting to seek revenge.  I go through phases of not caring at all, then intense hatred of this person. 

[billypilgrim]

(even though the temporarily suffer internally)

I'm not so sure about that. I think the suffering is constant.  I think the only time they really have "relief" is during the honeymoons phase, which to me, are way more temporary.  I think their more familiar state is suffering.  When they are suffering, they get the attention they are constantly looking for.  They all play the victim role well.  And I'd wager that yours victimized herself during your r/s, I know mine did.  

I'd also wager that they aren't exactly enjoying life.  Sure, they may pretend to.  She may seem happy - bigger house, bigger ring, blah blah blah.  She's just being placated with temporary fixes.  Pretty soon, that ring won't be big enough.  And the funny part is that there's not a ring on this planet big enough that could fix what they have going on underneath the hood.  When you look closer at their lives, you'll see signs of constant suffering.  Many of them can't hold jobs, they've had more sexual partners than they can count or even remember, they can't manage money, they leave a trail of failed relationships in their wake, many develop drug problems, many run into legal troubles, many have been abused or at least believe that they have been, many grow up in broken or disordered homes, to name just a few. Are those the marks of temporary sufferers?  My ex and my ex's mother can check almost everyone of those off the list.

They have a lot of enablers for a lot of reasons.  The one I identify most with is my rescuing tendencies that stem from my own FOO issues.  A lot of us nons get fulfillment out of rescuing and fixing others, which sets us up perfectly for the neediest of the needy that are pwBPD.  They are in constant need of fixing and saving.  Whereas non-disordered people are whole and don't need my (our) help.  Kind of hard to fix someone that doesn't need fixing, isn't it?  

[raisins3142]

To the OP. They find enablers and treat them like Prince Charming/ Princess Charming. Its the rescue me/my hero stuff that keeps many people on the hook.

My uBPDexgf's BFF that introduced us is also cluster B.

When people heard who introduced us and that they were friends, they were immediately concerned.  I was too, but let it go.

Her BFF now likely hates me.  My ex fawns on her as her only friend nearby that "gets" her and is there for her.

She buys this person gifts and things, likes all the dumb BPD crap she posts on FB, etc.

So, she has this BFF idealized/painted white and this gives the BFF the validation and attention she craves.

[hergestridge]

It was one of the dealbreakers that ended our 20 yr relationship. I told her that she had to acknowledge the pain she had put me through and the sacrifices I had done for her because of her illness if we were going to be together. She just plain refused. She basically demandedto get away with everything. I think she'd rather take her life.

[raisins3142]

(even though the temporarily suffer internally)

I'm not so sure about that. I think the suffering is constant.  I think the only time they really have "relief" is during the honeymoons phase, which to me, are way more temporary.  I think their more familiar state is suffering.  When they are suffering, they get the attention they are constantly looking for.  They all play the victim role well.  And I'd wager that yours victimized herself during your r/s, I know mine did.  

I'd also wager that they aren't exactly enjoying life.  Sure, they may pretend to.  She may seem happy - bigger house, bigger ring, blah blah blah.  She's just being placated with temporary fixes.  Pretty soon, that ring won't be big enough.  And the funny part is that there's not a ring on this planet big enough that could fix what they have going on underneath the hood.  When you look closer at their lives, you'll see signs of constant suffering.  Many of them can't hold jobs, they've had more sexual partners than they can count or even remember, they can't manage money, they leave a trail of failed relationships in their wake, many develop drug problems, many run into legal troubles, many have been abused or at least believe that they have been, many grow up in broken or disordered homes, to name just a few. Are those the marks of temporary sufferers?  My ex and my ex's mother can check almost everyone of those off the list.

They have a lot of enablers for a lot of reasons.  The one I identify most with is my rescuing tendencies that stem from my own FOO issues.  A lot of us nons get fulfillment out of rescuing and fixing others, which sets us up perfectly for the neediest of the needy that are pwBPD.  They are in constant need of fixing and saving.  Whereas non-disordered people are whole and don't need my (our) help.  Kind of hard to fix someone that doesn't need fixing, isn't it?  

Being a "fixer" gives us the upper hand in the relationship.  Not that I constantly want that or that I was controlling, but it does give an upperhand nonetheless.

I knew I was stronger than her and that she needed me more than I needed her.

Even though her behavior made me insecure, those thoughts added security because she was not likely to leave abruptly, I thought.  And she didn't, I left.

Come to think of it, she probably knew I was in the "stronger" position and more secure overall, so perhaps she acted as she did to make me insecure so as to even the playing field.  All subconscious of course, but maybe she was crazy like a fox in her own way.

[Coffeeandsmokes]

OP: Preach Brother! I thinks it's the pretty. And their mothers. My MIL was never ever willing to offer a negative word, probably because she dealt with the teenage self-harmer. At the moment I'm pissed that she's (apparently) happy already. I worry that she will suddenly have 'come good' so I have to reinforce memories of her rages and jealously and hypocrisy and impulsiveness. She's in a honeymoon phase right now so all looks hunky dory and it makes me feel like a d!ck. I'm just waiting for it all to come crashing down.

[Heldfast]

Don't wait around. It will or it won't. But don't you let yourself get drawn into it. Chances are even if they look like happily ever after, it isn't and it won't be.

[Coffeeandsmokes]

Heldfast, you are right. I shouldn't be waiting. Today I'm angry and I WANT it all to fail.

[propunchingbag]

Heldfast, you are right. I shouldn't be waiting. Today I'm angry and I WANT it all to fail.

It is your decision. If I could turn back the clock I would have ended this a long time ago. Now it's an exit strategy coming together. My advice is simple, they are not worth the work. No matter how hot they are, how great the sex is, how much they tell you that you are the best thing ever. It's not worth it.

[Tim300]

Heldfast, you are right. I shouldn't be waiting. Today I'm angry and I WANT it all to fail.

It is your decision. If I could turn back the clock I would have ended this a long time ago. Now it's an exit strategy coming together. My advice is simple, they are not worth the work. No matter how hot they are, how great the sex is, how much they tell you that you are the best thing ever. It's not worth it.

Mine was so attractive to me.  Now that I'm fully aware of BPD, forget it.  It's the ultimate turn off.