Decided to leave but not sure anymore

[downnout98]

This is my story and I need your help in working through what I should do. I met my SO at work and became incredibly close friends till we both ended up in having affairs with each other. She got her divorce sooner than I did because while we were going through our divorces, I couldn't help but feel that I was in competition with other men. She had affairs before and I later found out that they continued even while we were trying to build our relationship. Over the period of three years, she got her divorce and I eventually got mine. In this time, I lost my immediate family because my BPD girlfriend insisted that we should not hide our affair, because it was true love. My family could not accept the divorce and the affair. My ex wife then knew about the affair due to my BPD girlfriend forcing my hand on it, which made the divorce even more difficult. If I didn't do this, she would leave me because I wasn't committed she would say. My 6 year old daughter went through hell because of this. I forged on with this relationship because I thought I loved her. Through the years I have lost count how many times she has broken up with me and all for reasons such as not moving in soon enough, spending too much time with my daughter, my family not accepting her, my ex wife, etc. I packed my clothes from her house too many times. She would break up and then the crying, begging and threatening would start after a few days. I  always ended up going back. We eventually bought a house together and everything was going well till we had an argument over disciplining my daughter for something silly. She kicked us both out. I had no choice but to return my daughter to her mother and explain that I was going to stay in a hotel for a while. I always had my apartment to go to in the previous break ups, this time I had nothing. My family lives out of town. Everyone from my family found out that I got kicked out and urged me to not go back. The past several weeks have been tough because I loved her and wanted to work through this, but every time I talked about coming back, it was under her terms. I felt like I was loosing my freedom. After further rage and rejection, I finally decided to get an apartment till we worked things out and to focus on my daughter. After weeks of going back and forth between us, I found out that she decided that this was all my fault and that she has cried enough so she was moving on. She started dating a man, and on the third date, he was already staying the weekend at our house. She claims that she just met him at a work function a month ago. She has been with him for two weeks and they spend all their time together as if they have been dating for months. In two weeks he has already met her family, her daughter, eats dinner with her and her daughter and is practically living there. In the meantime she has shown no remorse for any of this and all of this is my fault because I wouldn't come back right away. She still texts me to give me a guilt trip. I wish I could let go. I love her and feel that love is worth fighting for, but there has been so much pain and I have lost so much already. There are so many other details that I have left out but then I would have to write a book to cover them.

[BestVersionOfMe]

This is my story and I need your help in working through what I should do. I met my SO at work and became incredibly close friends till we both ended up in having affairs with each other. She got her divorce sooner than I did because while we were going through our divorces, I couldn't help but feel that I was in competition with other men. She had affairs before and I later found out that they continued even while we were trying to build our relationship. Over the period of three years, she got her divorce and I eventually got mine. In this time, I lost my immediate family because my BPD girlfriend insisted that we should not hide our affair, because it was true love. My family could not accept the divorce and the affair. My ex wife then knew about the affair due to my BPD girlfriend forcing my hand on it, which made the divorce even more difficult. If I didn't do this, she would leave me because I wasn't committed she would say. My 6 year old daughter went through hell because of this. I forged on with this relationship because I thought I loved her. Through the years I have lost count how many times she has broken up with me and all for reasons such as not moving in soon enough, spending too much time with my daughter, my family not accepting her, my ex wife, etc. I packed my clothes from her house too many times. She would break up and then the crying, begging and threatening would start after a few days. I  always ended up going back. We eventually bought a house together and everything was going well till we had an argument over disciplining my daughter for something silly. She kicked us both out. I had no choice but to return my daughter to her mother and explain that I was going to stay in a hotel for a while. I always had my apartment to go to in the previous break ups, this time I had nothing. My family lives out of town. Everyone from my family found out that I got kicked out and urged me to not go back. The past several weeks have been tough because I loved her and wanted to work through this, but every time I talked about coming back, it was under her terms. I felt like I was loosing my freedom. After further rage and rejection, I finally decided to get an apartment till we worked things out and to focus on my daughter. After weeks of going back and forth between us, I found out that she decided that this was all my fault and that she has cried enough so she was moving on. She started dating a man, and on the third date, he was already staying the weekend at our house. She claims that she just met him at a work function a month ago. She has been with him for two weeks and they spend all their time together as if they have been dating for months. In two weeks he has already met her family, her daughter, eats dinner with her and her daughter and is practically living there. In the meantime she has shown no remorse for any of this and all of this is my fault because I wouldn't come back right away. She still texts me to give me a guilt trip. I wish I could let go. I love her and feel that love is worth fighting for, but there has been so much pain and I have lost so much already. There are so many other details that I have left out but then I would have to write a book to cover them.

Betrayal is a deal breaker for me personally.  It sounds like she has the ability to be a serial cheater and that would have me running for the hills.  I have 3 kids with my wife and I don't know if I could get around cheating.  I'm sure you love or were in love with this woman.  I'd do some soul searching to see what you really want for you because clearly she is not concerned about your needs at all.

[downnout98]

Yes, you are right. She has been a serial cheater most of her adult life and I knew this going in. I thought I was the person for her and that it would be different. At least that is how she made me feel at the beginning and every time we got back together. This roller coaster is so hard to get off of. The highs are so great but the lows are so hurtful. She has this presence about her, just like all the rest of the posts say about their BPD significant others. It is just too bad that she uses it in self destruction. I have to keep reminding myself that things won't be different with this new guy. Working on building myself back up again.

[BestVersionOfMe]

Yes, you are right. She has been a serial cheater most of her adult life and I knew this going in. I thought I was the person for her and that it would be different. At least that is how she made me feel at the beginning and every time we got back together. This roller coaster is so hard to get off of. The highs are so great but the lows are so hurtful. She has this presence about her, just like all the rest of the posts say about their BPD significant others. It is just too bad that she uses it in self destruction. I have to keep reminding myself that things won't be different with this new guy. Working on building myself back up again.

As much as I'd like to say things are gonna be ok, just like in my own relationship, I must admit I don't think they will.  She is ill.  She has some serious underlying issues and defense mechanisms that might make it impossible to be loving and respectful towards you.  I'm so, so sorry.  At this point is about you either way, no matter what she does.  Every time you think about her, think that she doesn't concern herself with you and your best interests.  What do YOU want to do brother.  You deserve more and so do I.  It is simply heart breaking all of this.  I have 3 kids and 14 years with my wife and I can't believe that things are where they are.  Your wife is sleeping with another man instead of you.  That must hurt man, I can't even imagine.  In order to help, tomorrow as you go out to work or walking down the street look at other women.  Not to lust, but just to wonder.  What might she be like.  Or "that girl is attractive, I wonder if she is nice?"  Or, "I wonder what going to dinner and a movie might be like with her, etc."  Just unhook the emotional hose from this woman that is this bad to  you.  It might help in getting you to a place that you probably need to be.

[downnout98]

Thank you brother, you are right in saying that she does not have my interests in her heart. The relationship has been more and more about her through the years. We do deserve better and I am sorry to hear that you are going through this after 14 years of marriage. I feel for your kids.

[OnceConfused]

You bought the house together with her, and you are the one that got kicked out ?. This does not make sense. You own 1/2 of the house.   Remember that.

Don't be the doormat. stand up. Don't let her kick you out of your house then 2 weeks later have another man on YOUR bed.

It looks like she has you under her thumb.

[BestVersionOfMe]

You bought the house together with her, and you are the one that got kicked out ?. This does not make sense. You own 1/2 of the house.   Remember that.

Don't be the doormat. stand up. Don't let her kick you out of your house then 2 weeks later have another man on YOUR bed.

It looks like she has you under her thumb.

I removed myself from the house because it was an unhealthy situation, my wife never kicked me  out like yours did.  What is the best thing for you?  Do you want to be in your house?  I know I did, so I am and my wife is sleeping in the guest bedroom while I sleep in our bed.  Do what you want to do and toughen up that skin so that you can exist in your own home without feeling any anxiety. 

[downnout98]

Thank you everyone. When I look back at things, she did have me under her thumb and every time I stood and fought back, it would result in us breaking up. she would be the one to say that she wanted out. I think that has been what has broken my spirit down through the years. At first I was ok with the break up and ready to live my own life. But the begging and crying for me to come back made me feel wanted and then I would give in only to repeat the same cycle. Over time I lost myself and the strength I once had. I avoided problems because I would feel like a yo-yo. I finally decided to stay away so that I could rebuild myself. I told her I needed time and that only made things worse. It has been hard to be away from her but with what she is doing now, I think I am ready to let it all go, to include the house. If I were to go back, I feel that things will not change and will be worse. I can't take it anymore and my daughter has now been through too much. I am going to keep my daughters best interest at heart.