she wants me back

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Have had low contact for a while now.  Just got this text.

"I know that things between us haven't always been easy and I know there were mistakes on both sides. You know that I have never been happy with (replacement) and I was always happy with you and when I'm with you or talking with you I don't think of anyone else!  I miss you and I still love you and I want us to be together again I don't think we were ever meant to be apart.  You know me better than anyone and I feel different when it's with you.  I still want us to go to Paris.  X. If I leave (replacement) would you give us another chance?  I don't want to cheat I don't want us to be fake I want me and you. Can I come over on Monday when I get back i miss you so much x



Mind = blown

[Infern0]

Have had low contact for a while now.  Just got this text.

"I know that things between us haven't always been easy and I know there were mistakes on both sides. You know that I have never been happy with (replacement) and I was always happy with you and when I'm with you or talking with you I don't think of anyone else!  I miss you and I still love you and I want us to be together again I don't think we were ever meant to be apart.  You know me better than anyone and I feel different when it's with you.  I still want us to go to Paris.  X. If I leave (replacement) would you give us another chance?  I don't want to cheat I don't want us to be fake I want me and you. Can I come over on Monday when I get back i miss you so much x



Mind = blown

[jhkbuzz]

Have had low contact for a while now.  Just got this text.

"I know that things between us haven't always been easy and I know there were mistakes on both sides. You know that I have never been happy with (replacement) and I was always happy with you and when I'm with you or talking with you I don't think of anyone else!  I miss you and I still love you and I want us to be together again I don't think we were ever meant to be apart.  You know me better than anyone and I feel different when it's with you.  I still want us to go to Paris.  X. If I leave (replacement) would you give us another chance?  I don't want to cheat I don't want us to be fake I want me and you. Can I come over on Monday when I get back i miss you so much x



Mind = blown

Holy ___, holy ___, holy ___!

How are you feeling?

Did you respond?

[CloseToFreedom]

Wow. That's like... .the message I always want to get but probably will never get (although I've received it during our various previous break ups).

It must give you some... .satisfaction, getting this, I'm sure.

However, NOW is the time to really start reflecting on the relationship and the person you were with. Is she healthy? Will she give you a good life? I don't know your story well enough, but if you're on this forum I'd hazard a guess that the answers are no.

You have the chance to get the upper hand now and to keep it. If you just text back a simple 'no', so that it shows she doesn't have her hooks in you anymore, you'll be free and you'll be the one having the upper hand.

It is also a chance to get back with her and see where it goes. But that is a VERY dangerous game. Think about it like this: what if you get back together and eventually the same problems arise? What if you have to go through the grieving phase all over again? Are you able to handle that? Are the people around you, your support system, able to help you with that, AGAIN? Difficult questions.

I can't say: don't do it. I've done it 10 times, so who am i to speak? All I know is that in the end it never worked like I hoped it would. It always fell apart. She's missing you right now and I'm sure that's real and true, but what happens if she's got you back, when things settle down? Has she changed?

Keep talking about it with us before you make up your mind. The choice you will make, might leave a mark on your entire life.

[Infern0]

Have had low contact for a while now.  Just got this text.

"I know that things between us haven't always been easy and I know there were mistakes on both sides. You know that I have never been happy with (replacement) and I was always happy with you and when I'm with you or talking with you I don't think of anyone else!  I miss you and I still love you and I want us to be together again I don't think we were ever meant to be apart.  You know me better than anyone and I feel different when it's with you.  I still want us to go to Paris.  X. If I leave (replacement) would you give us another chance?  I don't want to cheat I don't want us to be fake I want me and you. Can I come over on Monday when I get back i miss you so much x



Mind = blown

Holy ___, holy ___, holy ___!

How are you feeling?

Did you respond?

I don't know bro. We have mini recycled a couple of times but this is a bolt from the blue. I asked if we could talk about it tomorrow to buy some time.  She text that of course and that she loves and misses me.

I have no idea on God's green earth what to do

[Mr Hollande]

Forgive me if I'm insensitive and for taking liberties but... .

I was always happy with you

She was so happy that she cheated and then replaced you with someone else.

I still want us to go to Paris.

Are you paying for that by any chance?

If I leave (replacement) would you give us another chance?

Translation: If you don't want me back I will hold on to him as a back up.

I don't want to cheat

But you did.

I don't want us to be fake

Any guarantees that it would be any other way?

[CloseToFreedom]

Good translations by Mr Hollande (from the Netherlands as well? Hallo!).

The thing that would irk me the most is the comment about the replacement. I mean, what healthy person would hold on to someone, but be able to drop him for someone else? It reeks of needing supply at all costs.

[jhkbuzz]

A friendly word of advice: you said you're going to "talk" tomorrow.  I don't know if that's over the phone or face to face.

Either way:  why tomorrow?  Take some time to straighten out your head before you engage with her or it's going to get crazy FAST.

Did she cheat on you?

[Infern0]

A friendly word of advice: you said you're going to "talk" tomorrow.  I don't know if that's over the phone or face to face.

Either way:  why tomorrow?  Take some time to straighten out your head before you engage with her or it's going to get crazy FAST.

Did she cheat on you?

No she didn't cheat.  Our breakup wasn't typical of BPD,  I DID make some mistakes due to not understanding the disorder and reacting like a bit of a douche when she disregulated.

It's a long story,  I can probably keep her at arms length but she wants to come to my house on Monday night and have a proper talk so I'll need to know what I want by then.

I'm in two minds

[CloseToFreedom]

A friendly word of advice: you said you're going to "talk" tomorrow.  I don't know if that's over the phone or face to face.

Either way:  why tomorrow?  Take some time to straighten out your head before you engage with her or it's going to get crazy FAST.

Did she cheat on you?

No she didn't cheat.  Our breakup wasn't typical of BPD,  I DID make some mistakes due to not understanding the disorder and reacting like a bit of a douche when she disregulated.

It's a long story,  I can probably keep her at arms length but she wants to come to my house on Monday night and have a proper talk so I'll need to know what I want by then.

I'm in two minds

No, you don't need to know what you want by then. Why listen to her demands? You take as much time as you need and she has to accept it. If she doesn't, you know enough.

[Mr Hollande]

Comparing your recent posts with your early ones you've come a long way in a short time. I admire you for that but I don't envy the situation you're in now. I think, and once again forgive me if I am insensitive, a message like that from my ex would be my biggest nightmare. Whatever you decide to do I hope it turns out alright.

[CloseToFreedom]

Comparing your recent posts with your early ones you've come a long way in a short time. I admire you for that but I don't envy the situation you're in now. I think, and once again forgive me if I am insensitive, a message like that from my ex would be my biggest nightmare. Whatever you decide to do I hope it turns out alright.

It's a double edged sword, right? I mean, it would be my worst nightmare and my fondest fantasy. Both at the same time.

[neverloveagain]

it's going to get crazy FAST.

/quote]

[Targeted]

A friendly word of advice: you said you're going to "talk" tomorrow.  I don't know if that's over the phone or face to face.

Either way:  why tomorrow?  Take some time to straighten out your head before you engage with her or it's going to get crazy FAST.

Did she cheat on you?

No she didn't cheat.  Our breakup wasn't typical of BPD,  I DID make some mistakes due to not understanding the disorder and reacting like a bit of a douche when she disregulated.

It's a long story,  I can probably keep her at arms length but she wants to come to my house on Monday night and have a proper talk so I'll need to know what I want by then.

I'm in two minds

You acted like a douche during her disregulation because you did not understand the disorder?  .  Why should you be expected or even feel bad for one minute about normal reactions to the abnormal? Why would you even think part of the blame is on you for not understanding disfunction to have a functional relationship? I would love to get that message from my ex as well, now that we understand more of the disorder we could probably Best serve them in a relationship leading towards functional but I believe that will only happen if she becomes at least as aware of the disorder as we are and the fact that she has it and wants to fix it! I do not know if your ex is aware she has a problem? My ex still believes that she does not! The only way I would try one more time with my ex and my first major boundary set would be self-awareness of her issues and a desire to correct them! Besides no more messing around with other men! . I think it boils down to loving them enough to not enable the problem anymore and make them fix it!  I would not try without her in therapy!

[mitchell16]

inferno, unless I wanted a recycle I would not meet or talk to them. NC and I mean really NC was the only way I could get lose from mine and stay out. I started thinking to my self when mine would start " pecking" was if im really done with her why does it matter what she says or how it really ended. It was over we both said what we needed to say wether it was nice or not. Nothing else to talk about unless I wanted a recycle. Mine was such a good talker and manipulater that she could talk me into believing that everything was my fault and everything that she did, lie, cheat, play games I had caused her to do that.

every break we had i went NC, after about 3 weeks she would start pecking away at me with texts and phone calls and at first I was strong and for a few days i would stay NC. During that time she started pouring on the I miss yous and It all my fault and I have done some soul searching etc... .and then I would cave in and respond. Next thing I knew here we go again and then she would turn it around on me and it was all back to my fault again. This time I stayed NC, went thru the  begging letters, begging texts, stalking and then the raging messages calling me all kinds of vile names and now I have peace.

[Madison66]

infern0,

I couldn't possibly tell you what to do.  Every relationship is different.  All I can do is tell you a little bit about what I went through during a 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  Here you go:

B/u 1 after about 2 years together: I left the r/s after she began a texting (and maybe more) r/s with one of her clients.  She also began painting me black and told me she was going to "downgrade" our r/s because she didn't like the "new me" (the one with boundaries and self respect).  She slept with client during the two weeks we were apart and then came back to me wanting to talk.  We met, slept together and started up again.  She wouldn't accept any responsibility for her actions/words and put the breakup on me.  I allowed this to happen and blindly marched forward and nothing changed.  I believe she continued to correspond with the replacement.

Breakup 2 after 2.5 years together: I left the r/s again after being pushed to the brink with entitlement, push/pull, lack of empathy, chaos, gaslighting and on-going emotional blackmail and abuse.  We had just gone through our second failed of couples T.  She used her young kids to guilt me back into the r/s and I bought into it.  Nothing changed and the emotional abuse ramped up in ways that were truly cruel.  I was deep into the r/s addiction and her emotional disregulation was getting worse and worse.

B/u 3 after three years together: again I left the r/s this time feeling I couldn't take anymore abuse.  We were trying a third round of couples T and the theme of her projecting along with rewriting history was driving me batty and breaking my spirit.  I was so angry!  I was dealing with two rough family health issues and she was acting out worse than ever.  I knew things needed to end, but I didn't have the will to break it off clean.

Final b/u two months later: the emotional abuse/blackmail was out of control and the first physical abuse/domination happened a month earlier.  I was in emotional survival mode and my T and family were pushing me hard to get out.  One last confrontation and act of physical abuse (in front of her 10 year old daughter) followed by her doing hundreds of dollars of damage as she left my home.  I was beyond done and finally closed the door for good enforcing strict n/c even with her living on my block.  Being so close, I witnessed the parade of men at her house starting within a week of the b/u.  That was fourteen months ago.  She attempted to break n/c several times and I never relented.  Thank goodness she moved to another area of the city (large city) and there have been a couple emails which I didn't respond to.

Ok, I tell you all this to help you understand what you are probably in store for.  Here are some questions that I suggest you ask yourself:

1. Based on her behavior/actions/words so far, can you live with these things knowing they will most likely get worse?

2. What do you get out of this r/s?  Do you see yourself growing and thriving in this r/s?

3. If you wrote down your life values (love, respect, honesty, etc.), would her behaviors and actions be in line with your values?

4. If you wrote down what you wanted in a r/s and what a healthy r/s looks like in your head, does this r/s fit the bill?

5. If your son, daughter, brother, sister or best friend was in this r/s what would you tell them to do?

6. What do you have to gain by agreeing to meet with your (ex) gf?

7. What is your gut telling you?

There was good and bad in my r/s and I can tell you honestly that I personally should have walked at or before the time of the first b/u.  I didn't, but finally did after a long and bumpy road.  Once out of the r/s, I took the time to re-establish the most important r/s in my life = me.  I had a fantastic T who helped me keep the focus on me.  The process sucked and I second guessed my decision to leave the r/s many times.  Fourteen months out I'm so happy, at peace and loving the lack of chaos in my life.  A few months ago, while not looking, I met a wonderful non PD lady.  My r/s with my daughter is closer than ever.  I'm doing all the things I want to do in life and I feel blessed. 

Again, I'm not telling you what to do.  Please take the time you need to think and find some peace from the chaos.  Good luck!

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

If I leave (replacement) would you give us another chance? 

If there is any truth whatsoever in what she has expressed then the above line should read: When I have left my replacement would you give us another chance?

It seems she, like my uBPDexgf, can not be alone at all.  This is why they will always cheat and lie.  You are being triangulated.  It would not surprise me if your replacement is getting edgy and about to fly away.  Be kind to yourself and move on.

[Trog]

If I leave (replacement) would you give us another chance? 

If there is any truth whatsoever in what she has expressed then the above line should read: When I have left my replacement would you give us another chance?

It seems she, like my uBPDexgf, can not be alone at all.  This is why they will always cheat and lie.  You are being triangulated.  It would not surprise me if your replacement is getting edgy and about to fly away.  Be kind to yourself and move on.

Agree 100%.

The killer word in the whole text was 'if', ie, im going to stay with him if you don't. What about replacement man? I guess you can pass on your username and password to him as you pass him on the way in.

[Splitblack4good]

If I leave (replacement) would you give us another chance? 

If there is any truth whatsoever in what she has expressed then the above line should read: When I have left my replacement would you give us another chance?

It seems she, like my uBPDexgf, can not be alone at all.  This is why they will always cheat and lie.  You are being triangulated.  It would not surprise me if your replacement is getting edgy and about to fly away.  Be kind to yourself and move on.

Agree 100%.

The killer word in the whole text was 'if', ie, im going to stay with him if you don't. What about replacement man? I guess you can pass on your username and password to him as you pass him on the way in.

LOL ! I'm tempted to give mine to my replacement anyway !

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

If I leave (replacement) would you give us another chance? 

If there is any truth whatsoever in what she has expressed then the above line should read: When I have left my replacement would you give us another chance?

It seems she, like my uBPDexgf, can not be alone at all.  This is why they will always cheat and lie.  You are being triangulated.  It would not surprise me if your replacement is getting edgy and about to fly away.  Be kind to yourself and move on.

Agree 100%.

The killer word in the whole text was 'if', ie, im going to stay with him if you don't. What about replacement man? I guess you can pass on your username and password to him as you pass him on the way in.

LOL ! I'm tempted to give mine to my replacement anyway !

hahaha - yes I have a new girlfriend and have moved on.  Might as well hand mine over to replacement as well.

[antonio1213]

This sounds just like the message I wanted to see for so long from my exBPDgf. Hell if she sent this to me now I would actually be kind of happy, though I wouldn't take her back.

I cant tell you what to do, I don't know anything about your history with this person. But based on how she is acting it sounds like she is just acting impulsively and searching for a new source of supply. If you refused to be with her she would most likely hang on to the new guy and probably look for another way out by finding another source of supply. Whether her new supply is you or not is your decision. And this might hurt you in the long term too because it is keeping you from detaching and keeping her in your life. If I was in your position I would just do whats best for me and run. Thats what my T told me when it comes to people with BPD. My T told me to run run run run!

I would say just run from her. Thats my 2cents being put in. I could be wrong about your relationship, but the way she talks about leaving your replacement just seems very BPD. It seems like she is going to get her supply from you, your replacement, or someone else and she is just testing you out right now to see if you are a soft landing or not.

[PaintedBlack28]

Man I must admit you are one lucky guy. I hope everything works out okay. I can only dream of getting such a message from my ex girlfriend. Think thoroughly, you will trust your gut feelings.

[jhkbuzz]

Ok, I tell you all this to help you understand what you are probably in store for.  Here are some questions that I suggest you ask yourself:

1. Based on her behavior/actions/words so far, can you live with these things knowing they will most likely get worse?

2. What do you get out of this r/s?  Do you see yourself growing and thriving in this r/s?

3. If you wrote down your life values (love, respect, honesty, etc.), would her behaviors and actions be in line with your values?

4. If you wrote down what you wanted in a r/s and what a healthy r/s looks like in your head, does this r/s fit the bill?

5. If your son, daughter, brother, sister or best friend was in this r/s what would you tell them to do?

6. What do you have to gain by agreeing to meet with your (ex) gf?

7. What is your gut telling you?

These are GREAT questions! I went through them for myself for the heck of it and, in each instance, the answer pointed to (what is now) the obvious for me:  don't ever recycle.

[jhkbuzz]

The one thing I think everyone needs to keep in mind is that she didn't cheat on him.  That makes it a very very different situation than many of us on these boards have had.  No matter how much I may have loved my ex, the cheating sealed the deal for me - we were done, done, done.  It's an issue of self respect (and communicable diseases, I might add).

But that's not the case for Infern0

[antonio1213]

The one thing I think everyone needs to keep in mind is that she didn't cheat on him.  That makes it a very very different situation than many of us on these boards have had.  No matter how much I may have loved my ex, the cheating sealed the deal for me - we were done, done, done.  It's an issue of self respect (and communicable diseases, I might add).

But that's not the case for Infern0

I agree with you and his situation could be completely different than any of ours. She could be the nicest person and could easily have changed from the way she was acting. What I am worried about is if he goes back to her their will be more pain. And also it is weird to me that she is asking him if she breaks up with her bf will he take her back. Because it'll work in her favor because we won't go without a supply at all. It is the behavior that she is exhibiting that shows she has to have a supply in her life that is making me think it'll just end up hurting Inferno in the end.

And also good for you for cutting your pwBPD out as soon as they cheated.  

[Recooperating]

Hi Infern0,

So sorry to hear you feel torn in this situation. Sounds to me like your mind tells you one thing and your heart another... .It brought back a quote I once read and took to heart in a similar situation.

"Follow your heart, but take your mind with you. There is a fine line between being in love and being stupid."

I agree with a previous post about the questions you should ask yourself.

Are you in love with her Infern0 or are you in love with the potential you see in her? Do you love her unconditionally for all she is or do you want her to change her ways?

Either way you choose, I truely hope you'll be happy and it will work out for you.

Lots of luck and wisdom... .

[icom]

Oh, mate... .

No, just no... .

  If I printed out all the epiphanic emails sent to me by my ex over the years, I could practically paper all the walls of my house with them.

  She even appeared at my front door at one point, and hand-delivered one of them.  It later emerged that she was feeling a little dodgy about an upcoming trip to England to visit her family.  A week later-once she arrived in England-she dropped me like a stone. 

  The first time you receive such a missive, you feel like it's the greatest triumph of your life.  Years later, you come to recognize them for what the truly represent: another manifestation of the disorder. 

  When I eventually found the stones to finally break-up with her, guess who was at my door 20-mintues later with my favourite coffee, and a cartload full of apologies and promises that, "... .over the last few months, I have never felt closer to you!"

Curiously, in the four-months leading up to my departure, making that 20-minute journey was the equivalent of the Bataan Death march for her, and she only visited twice in all those months.  Curiously, towards the end, calls and texts were so infrequent that I was startled whenever she did call.  On that fateful morning the calls rolled in one after another like massive storm waves striking a beach.  The flow of text messages was equally voluminous, and all of them professed her unyielding love and devotion for me. 

  Don't go there, mate... .just don't. 

[myself]

Inferno, here's something you posted just one month ago:

":)o I want a partner who:

Lies

Cheats

Manipulates

Is annorexic

Is mental

Wakes up screaming all hours of the night

can't hold a job

"Hears voices"

Could potentially murder me in my sleep

Is stupid

Is shallow

Has no goals in life

Is irresponsible

Has little to no empathy

Is rude

Is abusive

Basically sucks ass in all respects except sex.

The answer is NO."


If you require even more of a wake-up call, re-read more of your own posts. There's a lot of good stuff there. Moving forward instead of backward, cutting through pipe dreams kinds of stuff. It might be helpful.

I'd ask if you're seeing a T but it sounds like a regular doctor would be better (to make sure the hooks she's using don't get in any farther, or cause too much damage). Good luck. This site will still be here when you need it.

[Infared]

I have lived through enough and been around here enough to know that this situation just reeks of disaster for you inferno.  REEKS.   The way she referred to your replacement was utterly disgusting.  She has referred you the same way to him.  Its all about her.  All the time 24/7.  

Its OK though... .if you go to the darkside we will all be here to support you when you come back!  

I am not vengeful... .but this could be the perfect opportunity to crush her for all the pain and anguish she has caused you... .and the good part is... .you would not be doing it to hurt her... you would be doing it to take care of and love you!

[jhkbuzz]

The one thing I think everyone needs to keep in mind is that she didn't cheat on him.  That makes it a very very different situation than many of us on these boards have had.  No matter how much I may have loved my ex, the cheating sealed the deal for me - we were done, done, done.  It's an issue of self respect (and communicable diseases, I might add).

But that's not the case for Infern0

I agree with you and his situation could be completely different than any of ours. She could be the nicest person and could easily have changed from the way she was acting. What I am worried about is if he goes back to her their will be more pain. And also it is weird to me that she is asking him if she breaks up with her bf will he take her back. Because it'll work in her favor because we won't go without a supply at all. It is the behavior that she is exhibiting that shows she has to have a supply in her life that is making me think it'll just end up hurting Inferno in the end.

And also good for you for cutting your pwBPD out as soon as they cheated.  

Oh, it wasn't quite that cute and dry.  Her 'cheating' in the beginning didn't go beyond kissing... .and if I kicked her out she would have taken my SD with her, whom I loved very much.

The behavior eventually crossed the line into a full blown affair with someone she worked with.  Utterly destroyed me.  Even though my heart still loved her, my head said "no fu*king way."

[jhkbuzz]

Inferno, here's something you posted just one month ago:

":)o I want a partner who:

Lies

Cheats

Manipulates

Is annorexic

Is mental

Wakes up screaming all hours of the night

can't hold a job

"Hears voices"

Could potentially murder me in my sleep

Is stupid

Is shallow

Has no goals in life

Is irresponsible

Has little to no empathy

Is rude

Is abusive

Basically sucks ass in all respects except sex.

The answer is NO."

Okay, now I'm confused because he said she didn't cheat... .