Finally made my mind up... it felt like I put her casket in the ground today.

[JRT]

Melancholy is probably the best word for it... .many on this board may recall that my exBPD fiance' did a disappearing act and then blocked me from communicating with her... .She had left a significant amount of property here and I had hoped that, as an adult, she would deal with me directly to arrange a return and simultaneously provide me with an explanation for what she did and why she did it. Ours was not the typical BPD relationship full of stress, arguments, cheating and discord so her sudden and abrupt departure left me very much hurt and confused. It was the strangest and most bizarre thing that I have ever seen or heard about in my life, and it HAD to happen to me!

Though invaluable, she never did attempt to contact me to collect her property. It was too personally valuable for me to pitch it (even though I was tempted, I would have felt like a real jerk) despite various attempts for me to arrange to return in either directly or indirectly. It bothered me to walk past it when I was in that part of the basement and I knew that it just wouldn't help me to have it hanging around here.

So I rented a storage locker near my house and took all of the stuff over to it. Although she returned a letter that I had sent unopened and refused back to me a long while back, I might have to send the code to the locker to her via certified mail and/or maybe send it her father and sister as well (even though I feel very funny involving them). Wouldn't it be nice if people just acted as adults?

It was a seminal moment for me: a 2+ year relationship, one that I really felt was successful and rewarding which I thought would be my last, officially over as I clicked the padlock over the latch. I really felt like this was the final step and very much like putting the body into the ground, not even so much as to see any part of them ever again.

Its a complex combinations of emotions that I am feeling right now, definitely not of relief but as I have when a loved one has died... .its JUST like that. I am now in the 'leaving' category.

Thank you everyone SO MUCH for all of your support, knowledge and encouragement since I have been here... .I have no idea how I could have possibly made it through without you.

I'm going to go have a drink... .

[Mutt]

So I rented a storage locker near my house and took all of the stuff over to it. Although she returned a letter that I had sent unopened and refused back to me a long while back, I might have to send the code to the locker to her via certified mail and/or maybe send it her father and sister as well (even though I feel very funny involving them). Wouldn't it be nice if people just acted as adults?

You took the high-road  

[Tim300]

This is a non victory.  Adios to her.  Cheers.

[apple2]

Melancholy is probably the best word for it... .many on this board may recall that my exBPD fiance' did a disappearing act and then blocked me from communicating with her... .She had left a significant amount of property here and I had hoped that, as an adult, she would deal with me directly to arrange a return and simultaneously provide me with an explanation for what she did and why she did it. Ours was not the typical BPD relationship full of stress, arguments, cheating and discord so her sudden and abrupt departure left me very much hurt and confused. It was the strangest and most bizarre thing that I have ever seen or heard about in my life, and it HAD to happen to me!

Though invaluable, she never did attempt to contact me to collect her property. It was too personally valuable for me to pitch it (even though I was tempted, I would have felt like a real jerk) despite various attempts for me to arrange to return in either directly or indirectly. It bothered me to walk past it when I was in that part of the basement and I knew that it just wouldn't help me to have it hanging around here.

So I rented a storage locker near my house and took all of the stuff over to it. Although she returned a letter that I had sent unopened and refused back to me a long while back, I might have to send the code to the locker to her via certified mail and/or maybe send it her father and sister as well (even though I feel very funny involving them). Wouldn't it be nice if people just acted as adults?

It was a seminal moment for me: a 2+ year relationship, one that I really felt was successful and rewarding which I thought would be my last, officially over as I clicked the padlock over the latch. I really felt like this was the final step and very much like putting the body into the ground, not even so much as to see any part of them ever again.

Its a complex combinations of emotions that I am feeling right now, definitely not of relief but as I have when a loved one has died... .its JUST like that. I am now in the 'leaving' category.

Thank you everyone SO MUCH for all of your support, knowledge and encouragement since I have been here... .I have no idea how I could have possibly made it through without you.

I'm going to go have a drink... .

Hey JRT,

take care of yourself. In my relationship, I realized that I can not do anything. I can not persuade mine. I arranged an appointment and tried, but he gave me more words to hurt me. The only way is they change their mind again. But I don't know when.

Therefore, it's better to take care of ourselves and live our life!

It's hard, but we will be ok.

[jhkbuzz]

Bravo!   

[eyvindr]

Good job, JRT. This is a big step.

If I may, I do have a question -- wrt to her stuff -- I agree with Mutt -- you took the high road. Nothing preventing you from just throwing her stuff away, and you'd didn't. But why not just ship it to her and let the chips fall where they will? My ex did the same thing -- though she didn't leave anything of great value behind -- every time we broke up. She'd use it to make a big deal about how she needed to get back into my house to retrieve her belongings, yada yada yada -- it was all an attempt to manipulate me into seeing her. After the second break-up, I shipped her things back to her after about a month of NC, and wished I'd've done it the very next day after I left her. This last time, that's exactly what I did -- and still had to suffer through 2 mos of txts, emails and voicemails about how I hadn't returned all of her things, and she would take me to small claims court if she had to -- all noise, all manipulation attempts -- because regardless of her sense that, because I left her, I was guilty of "relationship fraud" and she was entitled to everything she'd ever contributed to the r-ship -- she even said as much, that since she couldn't get back the time she'd lost, she felt it was only fair that she be compensated financially!

Anyway -- I know your ex isn't giving you that kind of crap. And I only share the story to say that getting her things out of my house helped me move forward all the sooner, because it gave her one less hook to keep tugging on. Hang in there.

[jhkbuzz]

If I may, I do have a question -- wrt to her stuff -- I agree with Mutt -- you took the high road. Nothing preventing you from just throwing her stuff away, and you'd didn't. But why not just ship it to her and let the chips fall where they will?

If he needed a storage locker for her stuff, I would imagine that shipping it all would be pretty expensive!

In the end, I think we all do what we need to do when we're ready to do it - and if we can hold onto our integrity in the process, then BRAVO!

Good for you, JRT!

[JRT]

That is the case eyvindr, there was so much of it that I was worried that it would not fit in to the 5 x 5 locker and took me two trips to go and get it. But there is an even bigger roadblock, I have NO idea where she even lives! Ain't that a kick in the head?

Some of this stuff is junk but some of it is family heirloom kinds stuff that I am shocked that she left. But as you pointed out, I suspect that it was another 'reason' to contact me and recycle in the future.

I have not yet communicated the letter to her (though I am blocked I figured that I can email directly from my regular outlook account to her Verizon phone where I am certain she didn't figure to block me that way). I have toyed with some versions of the letter, some with slight bits of vitriol regarding 'being and adult' as it relates to blocking and such. Anyone have any thoughts on how I should communicate and what I should communicate?

[jhkbuzz]

That is the case eyvindr, there was so much of it that I was worried that it would not fit in to the 5 x 5 locker and took me two trips to go and get it. But there is an even bigger roadblock, I have NO idea where she even lives! Ain't that a kick in the head?

Some of this stuff is junk but some of it is family heirloom kinds stuff that I am shocked that she left. But as you pointed out, I suspect that it was another 'reason' to contact me and recycle in the future.

I have not yet communicated the letter to her (though I am blocked I figured that I can email directly from my regular outlook account to her Verizon phone where I am certain she didn't figure to block me that way). I have toyed with some versions of the letter, some with slight bits of vitriol regarding 'being and adult' as it relates to blocking and such. Anyone have any thoughts on how I should communicate and what I should communicate?

I understand your need for closure.  While the circumstances of my b/u weren't as extreme as yours, I also didn't get closure - and it's painful.

If I were you, I would only offer a key and a one sentence explanation ("All of your belongings are currently stored at [address of the storage unit] until [date.]".

Write the letter. Put all of your anger, your angst, your pain, and your longing into the letter.  Then share it with your T - not her.

[JRT]

I wrote that letter a several weeks back... .against your advice, I sent a copy of it to her. The paper copy was returned 'refused'  while who knows what hap-pend to the electronic messages. Likely blocked as well.

Every last bit of this has been surreal... .

[jhkbuzz]

I wrote that letter a several weeks back... .against your advice, I sent a copy of it to her. The paper copy was returned 'refused'  while who knows what hap-pend to the electronic messages. Likely blocked as well.

Every last bit of this has been surreal... .

Boy do I understand the "surreal" feeling.

Can you send the key to a family member?

[JRT]

Yeah and no... .the key must remain at the storage company... .but I CAN send the letter to her sister (although I tried to return the stuff through her a couple of months ago and SHE bowed out)... .or her Dad... .I can even IM her son via FB (although I have already tried to IM her Mom and some friends but did not receive ... .I am bending over backwards here!

[jhkbuzz]

Yeah and no... .the key must remain at the storage company... .but I CAN send the letter to her sister (although I tried to return the stuff through her a couple of months ago and SHE bowed out)... .or her Dad... .I can even IM her son via FB (although I have already tried to IM her Mom and some friends but did not receive ... .I am bending over backwards here!

I would send a very short, polite letter to both sister and dad (and not to her son):

Please let ______ know that all of her belongings are at _______ storage facility located at ____________. The contents include some important family heirlooms.  The storage unit is paid through ________.  The owners of the storage unit are holding the key.

Then consider yourself DONE with it.  You don't need a response from either of them; you have gone above and beyond.

Time to let go.

[myself]

She chose to bury herself away.

You're cleaning up afterwards.

While processing your grief.