She broke NC again

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I have been strict NC for at least five months now - have stopped counting the weeks.  The last time she texted me she made it clear that no response from me would mean she would never try contacting me again.  Well I was suffering then and still in love but managed to avoid any response and retained NC.  I am now pretty much over her and have even started dating someone else.

NC for me has been strict NC indeed - I don't even have a facebook account so have never checked her profile on anything.  All I have is a personal blog which I stopped updating in case she might read it.  Not sure if this has anything to do with it but I did recently post a blog about a recent trip with my new gf on it.  Or it could just be that valentines is around the corner.  Anyway I just had this feeling I would hear from her again.

And it happened - she sent an email.  She said she hoped I had moved on and hoped I was happy in life, and she said often thought about my children and - rather weirdly she said she had this idea that I would be engaged to someone.  She finished this statement with a question mark.

All weird stuff - my interpretation is that the question mark, inviting a response - was a way of testing if an attachment was still in place.

Well an attachment is not in place.  The thought of going back to that sort of rs makes me want to vomit.

Your thoughts?  Also did she just forget the message she sent months ago claiming she would never contact me again?  I guess we can never really know - it's all disordered stuff.

At first I was apprehensive about opening the email - but pleased that I reacted in a neutral way when reading it.  Yes NC does work.

[Mutt]

Hi MrConfusedWithItAll,

I don't think that she forgot about not contacting. It's poor self boundaries and understanding boundaries of others.

1 Impairments  The must be impairments in self functioning AND impairments in interpersonal functioning (more on this later)

In the DSM 5, the essential features of a personality disorder are impairments in personality (self and interpersonal) functioning and the presence of pathological personality traits. To diagnose borderline personality disorder, the following criteria must be met:

Self (impairment in at least 1):

Identity: Experience of oneself as unique, with clear boundaries between self and others; stability of self-esteem and accuracy of self-appraisal; capacity for, and ability to regulate, a range of emotional experience.  To be rated from healthy functioning (Level = 0) to extreme impairment (Level = 4).

It's challenging when someone's belief system is distorted and understanding the motivations. I think go with your gut, there's an awful lot of coincidences. I think she's checking up on you.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Hi MrConfusedWithItAll,

I don't think that she forgot about not contacting. It's poor self boundaries and understanding boundaries of others.

1 Impairments  The must be impairments in self functioning AND impairments in interpersonal functioning (more on this later)

In the DSM 5, the essential features of a personality disorder are impairments in personality (self and interpersonal) functioning and the presence of pathological personality traits. To diagnose borderline personality disorder, the following criteria must be met:

Self (impairment in at least 1):

Identity: Experience of oneself as unique, with clear boundaries between self and others; stability of self-esteem and accuracy of self-appraisal; capacity for, and ability to regulate, a range of emotional experience.  To be rated from healthy functioning (Level = 0) to extreme impairment (Level = 4).

It's challenging when someone's belief system is distorted and understanding the motivations. I think go with your gut, there's an awful lot of coincidences. I think she's checking up on you.

Thanks for the pointer Mutt.  Yes she is checking me out.  I found the comment about her thinking about my children rather creepy given that she dissed both of them and didn't even allow them to say goodbye to her children once she discarded me for my replacement.

Just to reiterate to all - NC does work.  I was in a very bad state after the discard.  Now I am feeling good and progressing.  NC means exactly that - complete radio silence.

[Mutt]

I agree. I don't think it's very nice of saying bad things about your kids; then flip flopping. No contact is hard to maintain and you maintained 5 straight months.

A boundary is something you set on yourself; not on someone else. So if she does X I respond with Y. We control our actions; our responses.

We can't control the actions of others. You're doing good. I'm sorry to hear it's upsetting. I hope she gets the picture and leaves you alone.

Hang in there.

----Mutt

[OnceConfused]

Sounds like you have a neutral feeling when opening her email. That is a very positive sign that you are over her. .

If you answer the email, then you are giving the power over you again. Smile and keep on NC

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Sounds like you have a neutral feeling when opening her email. That is a very positive sign that you are over her. .

If you answer the email, then you are giving the power over you again. Smile and keep on NC

Yes this is very true - NC gives us a little bit of power after being discarded so cruelly.  Every time her contacting goes unanswered my pride and self esteem increases just a little.  NC works but it takes time and sometimes it is difficult to feel the progress.  But you are recovering a little bit each day.

[ManyPieces]

reading your post gave me hope that NC will work for me. I battle myself every hour not to contact or lurk facebook. Reading your post made me feel if i stay strong with my decision to have cut him off that i will one day be okay

thank you for sharing

[Targeted]

My understanding would be that at the time she said no response would mean she would not try again was only how she felt at that time, problem is they change all the time and like muttsaid, poor boundries. I do think that email was definitely testing for a attachment, she was being nice and saying she thinks about your kids to maybe get a more pleasant response to her attachment question proven by the question mark at the end, have you moved on? Are you happy? Are you engaged?

[mitchell16]

I think it was a probe to see if she could still hook you. mine said the exact same thing about 3 months ago, she texted and said " if you dont respond mitchill I will never try to contact you again" yeah right she waited a whole day later. LOL. I think the thing with your kids was just to pull at your heart strings. Mine sent me a massege one christmas after we had been broke up and I nc with her . wishing me a merry christmas, telling me how much she missed spending christmas with me and how she espcially missed my mother. That was hilarous since 1- in 3 years we only spent one christmas togther and she never spent a christmas with my family 2- she only visted my mother twice in 3 years. but she knows my mother is very dear and close to me, so it was just a way to pull at my heart strings.

[eyvindr]

Hi MrConfused --

Stick to your guns. This --

NC for me has been strict NC indeed - I don't even have a facebook account so have never checked her profile on anything.  All I have is a personal blog which I stopped updating in case she might read it.  Not sure if this has anything to do with it but I did recently post a blog about a recent trip with my new gf on it.  Or it could just be that valentines is around the corner.  Anyway I just had this feeling I would hear from her again.

And it happened - she sent an email.  She said she hoped I had moved on and hoped I was happy in life, and she said often thought about my children and - rather weirdly she said she had this idea that I would be engaged to someone.  She finished this statement with a question mark.

All weird stuff - my interpretation is that the question mark, inviting a response - was a way of testing if an attachment was still in place.

Well an attachment is not in place.  The thought of going back to that sort of rs makes me want to vomit.

That's exactly what it is -- she read your news, and she needs to insinuate herself to remind you (herself, really) that she exists. The nausea that you feel is healthy! It's your bodies natural alert when it senses poison. Stay strong. Let her wonder, if that's what she's into these days. Your life is none of her business.

[eyvindr]

Hi MrConfused --

Stick to your guns. This --

NC for me has been strict NC indeed - I don't even have a facebook account so have never checked her profile on anything.  All I have is a personal blog which I stopped updating in case she might read it.  Not sure if this has anything to do with it but I did recently post a blog about a recent trip with my new gf on it.  Or it could just be that valentines is around the corner.  Anyway I just had this feeling I would hear from her again.

And it happened - she sent an email.  She said she hoped I had moved on and hoped I was happy in life, and she said often thought about my children and - rather weirdly she said she had this idea that I would be engaged to someone.  She finished this statement with a question mark.

All weird stuff - my interpretation is that the question mark, inviting a response - was a way of testing if an attachment was still in place.

Well an attachment is not in place.  The thought of going back to that sort of rs makes me want to vomit.

That's exactly what it is -- she read your news, and she needs to insinuate herself to remind you (herself, really) that she exists. The nausea that you feel is healthy! It's your body's natural alert when it senses poison. Stay strong. Let her wonder, if that's what she's into these days. Your life is none of her business.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Hi MrConfused --

Stick to your guns. This --

NC for me has been strict NC indeed - I don't even have a facebook account so have never checked her profile on anything.  All I have is a personal blog which I stopped updating in case she might read it.  Not sure if this has anything to do with it but I did recently post a blog about a recent trip with my new gf on it.  Or it could just be that valentines is around the corner.  Anyway I just had this feeling I would hear from her again.

And it happened - she sent an email.  She said she hoped I had moved on and hoped I was happy in life, and she said often thought about my children and - rather weirdly she said she had this idea that I would be engaged to someone.  She finished this statement with a question mark.

All weird stuff - my interpretation is that the question mark, inviting a response - was a way of testing if an attachment was still in place.

Well an attachment is not in place.  The thought of going back to that sort of rs makes me want to vomit.

That's exactly what it is -- she read your news, and she needs to insinuate herself to remind you (herself, really) that she exists. The nausea that you feel is healthy! It's your bodies natural alert when it senses poison. Stay strong. Let her wonder, if that's what she's into these days. Your life is none of her business.

I could never go back to that.  She cheated on me and then tried to triangulate the relationship with my replacement by drawing me in as a saviour.  I didn't bite then and won't bite now.  Also I have met someone very nice and dear.  How great it is to spend quality time with someone without them raging and disrespecting all the time and money one has devoted to an occasion.  The discard was a very low point in my life.  Things are now much better.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

reading your post gave me hope that NC will work for me. I battle myself every hour not to contact or lurk facebook. Reading your post made me feel if i stay strong with my decision to have cut him off that i will one day be okay

thank you for sharing

I am very pleased my sharing has helped.  We have all gone through this and bpdfamily really is a blessing.  I gave my ex one chance only after the discard - and what I got was a classic bait and dump job.  That was the last chance she ever got.  After that it was strict NC - this site recommended it and it was correct advice.  You too will come out of the shadows if you keep to strict NC.

[downnout98]

This site has indeed been a blessing. My exBPDgf has been trying to break contact even as she is now still with my replacement. At first she said she was happy with him but now sending a text saying that she was crying for me again last night and that something always brings her back to me... .That it never takes long. I have been broken up with too many times and I am tired of being recycled by her. Initially, I was trying to work it out with her and asked her for time, it didn't take long before she was with my replacement. Now I imagine things are no longer fun with him and she wants back.

Your stories give me hope to get through this.