Do Any Of You Ever Laugh At Yourselves?

[Jack2727]

I think about my ex and the stuff I did and put up with, do you ever laugh and say... .Why on earth did I put up with so much for so long?

[Mike-X]

I think about my ex and the stuff I did and put up with, do you ever laugh and say... .Why on earth did I put up with so much for so long?

definitely yes! Especially when forgiving myself.

[billypilgrim]

Daily.  It's good that you can laugh at yourself.  Having a sense of humor through all of this nonsense will help carry you through.

[antonio1213]

I am hoping to get there soon. I actually get terrified with how much I put up with when I look back.

[HappyNihilist]

Oh, I laugh at myself daily... .not just over this relationship... .

I think about my ex and the stuff I did and put up with, do you ever laugh and say... .Why on earth did I put up with so much for so long?

definitely yes! Especially when forgiving myself.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I am hoping to get there soon. I actually get terrified with how much I put up with when I look back.

This is how I feel about things at this point.  I also feel great shame to have let myself go through so much.  I look forward to a day when I can laugh about it all.

[Mike-X]

I am hoping to get there soon. I actually get terrified with how much I put up with when I look back.

This is how I feel about things at this point.  I also feel great shame to have let myself go through so much.  I look forward to a day when I can laugh about it all.

I put up with way too much. But that is because I am compassionate and cared about her. I felt bad about all that she had been through in her life, and i wasn't  going to abandon her like all of the other 'awful' men from her past. And i kept hoping she would snap out of it and go back to idealizing me, put me back up on the pedestal, Haha. Still do at times.  That was/is me being crazy and in love.

[Mike-X]

I am hoping to get there soon. I actually get terrified with how much I put up with when I look back.

This is how I feel about things at this point.  I also feel great shame to have let myself go through so much.  I look forward to a day when I can laugh about it all.

It is not all just laughs, though. I feel deep sadness at times, for me and for her. I feel anger at times, too. But i know that that all comes from my missing the times where we were idealizing each other. When that realization hits me, I usually smile and even laugh.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I am hoping to get there soon. I actually get terrified with how much I put up with when I look back.

This is how I feel about things at this point.  I also feel great shame to have let myself go through so much.  I look forward to a day when I can laugh about it all.

I put up with way too much. But that is because I am compassionate and cared about her. I felt bad about all that she had been through in her life, and i wasn't  going to abandon her like all of the other 'awful' men from her past. And i kept hoping she would snap out of it and go back to idealizing me, put me back up on the pedestal, Haha. Still do at times.  That was/is me being crazy and in love.

Thanks Mike, you reminded me just how much of my heart and soul I poured into making something better.  Somewhere along the way I ran out of gas and ran on fumes for nearly another year.  I forget that I am still filling my tank back up so the depleted state I have been in for so long makes it easy to forget that I did great things even if the outcome was not.

[downwhim]

I love to laugh. Most of my friends will tell you that. But, in this relationship there was and still is so much pain surrounded around abandonment, grief, denial, abuse that emotionally I just can't go there.

I too feel I gave all I had. My love was so deep for him and I really wanted to make this relationship work. When you put your heart and soul on the line all I can feel is raw.

I don't think I will ever feel a time when I will laugh at myself in this relationship.

[icom]

I am hoping to get there soon. I actually get terrified with how much I put up with when I look back.

This is how I feel about things at this point.  I also feel great shame to have let myself go through so much.  I look forward to a day when I can laugh about it all.

It was-and will always be-the one enduring tragedy in my life.  I, as well, feel nothing but shame by how readily I slipped into delusion, and sustained the deceit for many years. 

[Maternus]

I think about my ex and the stuff I did and put up with, do you ever laugh and say... .Why on earth did I put up with so much for so long?

I did not laugh, but I felt a great relief, when I found out, why I stayed in this relationship for so long. I found out something about me, my weaknesses, my lack of boundaries, my own dysfunctional family and why I was programmed to fall for a disordered woman. I often read that people want to become the person they were before the relationship with a pwBPD. I don't hope so. I never want to be a potential victim for a disordered partner again.

[raisins3142]

I think about my ex and the stuff I did and put up with, do you ever laugh and say... .Why on earth did I put up with so much for so long?

Right now, I'm more angry with myself and embarrassed that I was so blind/desperate.

[Mike-X]

Many in this thread are being very hard on themselves, in my opinion. I know that it hurts to have the relationship end, the sense of loss, the trust in yourself and others damaged, etc.

For me, the idealization phase was intoxicating, much like an addictive drug. I soaked it up and craved it. I did question whether things were moving too fast, but I dismissed those feelings as my own doubts about whether I was worthy of such intense love. If I could have that again, without the rage, crazimaking, extreme paranoia, extreme impulsively, threats, extreme devaluing, invalidation, etc., I would be all in. I would love to feel what I felt again, and I would love to see her smile and show that joy and love again. In fact, I told her that if she wants to get back to working toward loving each other again, I am very much interested. (Haven't heard from her in a month since reiterating that, by the way.)

The devaluation didn't happen over night. It was gradual and peppered more and more with her appeals to being a victim of her past and then real and fictitious things that I had done. All prep for my accepting the FOG. As she presented herself more and more as a victim, including blaming me, I began feeling bad for her and even hurting deeply. Then, when the more psychotic symptoms began to appear, I became greatly concerned for this lovely, but terrible damaged, woman. So this all just shows to me that I am a compassionate and loving person, regardless of the devaluing rants  that she unleashed on me.

Sure lots of people would have left at earlier signs, and I probably would have left when I was in my 20s. I left many at the first sign of even remote incompatibility. However, I am definitely not a sucker for staying. I am strong for staying; whereas I was weaker when I was younger. I am compassionate and loving for staying and enduring as much as I did; whereas I was selfish when I was younger.

I tried to get her to get help with her issues, but she refused. I tried to be a counselor for her, learning all that I could to help her. However, I am not a trained BPD therapist, and even BPD therapists burnout. As you might all already know, many therapist even avoid BPD. It would have been a miracle if I would have been able to reach her and fix her. I just do not have the tools to do that, and that is actually hard for me to accept because my father so heavily modeled being a 'fixer' and because of my own arrogance and narcissistic traits. I feel that I did reach her at times. But her wounds are deep.

I am happy to have been there for her when we were together. I worry about her health and safety, and I wish that she could/can shake off the pain of the disorder. However, she cannot shake it off. The damage is deep. No lover or SO is going to fix it. The last report that I read estimated 2-10 years of hard counseling for BPD symptoms to no longer reach clinical criteria, with relatively few getting there in 2 years and most requiring 5-10 years. So at the end of the day, she has to want help and be extremely committed to pursuing that help. On good days, she would listen to me talk about BPD. I mostly dealt with denial or worse rage and blame aimed at me.

I have forgiven her for the rages, for the devaluing, for the lost money, and for leaving me. She is a product of her past, a brutal past that I have never experienced. All of her BPD traits are things she learned from the monsters in her past and things that she adopted to psychologically and physically survive. None of the BPD had anything to do with me. I loved her, and my love and her love in return, brought on overwhelming anxiety and fear in her. I wish that she didn't associate love with anxiety, fear, and pain, but she does. I truly hope that she gets the help that she desperately needs so that she can live the life that we both dreamed of while idealizing each other.