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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: I think my ex manipulated me into seeing her again  (Read 514 times)
paperlung
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« Reply #30 on: February 11, 2015, 02:09:58 AM »

"I just want her to act like an adult for a change and get it together already."

Explore this.

Good luck with that!  Being cool (click to insert in post)

Yeah, I've just about given up hope. I know I'll eventually hear from her again, I always do, but I'm not going to reply next time. I'm going away on a snowboarding trip today until Saturday (maybe Sunday). So I can just forget about all of this crap for a while and just go have some fun.

She can text me, "Hi." or "How was your trip?" and I'll ignore it. If it's something to do about how she made an appointment and is going to see psych, I might be too weak and feel like saying something like, "Good. Hope you do it." and leave it at that or something, though. Just because I can't seem to break fully away from being a supportive figure for some reason.
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« Reply #31 on: February 11, 2015, 08:58:07 AM »

"I just want her to act like an adult for a change and get it together already."

Explore this.

Good luck with that!  Being cool (click to insert in post)

Yeah, I've just about given up hope. I know I'll eventually hear from her again, I always do, but I'm not going to reply next time. I'm going away on a snowboarding trip today until Saturday (maybe Sunday). So I can just forget about all of this crap for a while and just go have some fun.

She can text me, "Hi." or "How was your trip?" and I'll ignore it. If it's something to do about how she made an appointment and is going to see psych, I might be too weak and feel like saying something like, "Good. Hope you do it." and leave it at that or something, though. Just because I can't seem to break fully away from being a supportive figure for some reason.

Paperlung... .in line with the childish thinking aspect... .after mine ran off... .I begged her to get some help (also talked to her parents [2 sets, divorced and both remarried... .both sets really liked and respected me] about it in a caring loving way)... .   Now I knew nothing about BPD then... .  all I knew is that she was making this drastic move to new guy... saying she wanted to kill herself... .denying that there was another... etc... .etc... .etc... .

Well... .she goes to therapy at the behest of her stepmother and just runs her game on the T.  Tells lie after lie and misrepresents herself... .does not admit to the cheating, the lying the drinking... etc... etc... .etc... .  I found out by being invited to a "closure" session... .where I realize that she has just lied about EVERYTHING to woo her therapist into her fantasy personality (hmmmmmm do I see a similarity here?) and blames me for everything that is wrong in her life apparently. The T was completely unprofessional in my book as she does not get to know me... .she just takes everything that my ex said as gospel (I will never know what she told the T!)... .which most of was to blame me for all things (oh... .andshe never cheated?)... .What the heck... .  They both ganged up on me a put me down... .HUH?  The T just met me 20mins before?  My ex is and EXPERT manipulator and a little innocent child (NOT!) and everyone buys her act!  Unbelievable. I left there in so much pain... .I can't tell you... .I felt so betrayed and ambushed.

So... .Paperlung... if your ex is ANYTHING like mine ... .I would not be holding out too much hope that she is actually going to go to a professional seeking to change and do some serious self examination. BPD's generally just do not do that.  They are just not built the way we are.  ... .to set yourself up with some kind of expectation that something like that will actually happen is like hoping that the leaves in the wind are going to jump in the lawn bag... . 

Take care of you. 
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paperlung
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« Reply #32 on: February 11, 2015, 09:17:44 AM »

"I just want her to act like an adult for a change and get it together already."

Explore this.

Good luck with that!  Being cool (click to insert in post)

Yeah, I've just about given up hope. I know I'll eventually hear from her again, I always do, but I'm not going to reply next time. I'm going away on a snowboarding trip today until Saturday (maybe Sunday). So I can just forget about all of this crap for a while and just go have some fun.

She can text me, "Hi." or "How was your trip?" and I'll ignore it. If it's something to do about how she made an appointment and is going to see psych, I might be too weak and feel like saying something like, "Good. Hope you do it." and leave it at that or something, though. Just because I can't seem to break fully away from being a supportive figure for some reason.

Paperlung... .in line with the childish thinking aspect... .after mine ran off... .I begged her to get some help (also talked to her parents [2 sets, divorced and both remarried... .both sets really liked and respected me] about it in a caring loving way)... .   Now I knew nothing about BPD then... .  all I knew is that she was making this drastic move to new guy... saying she wanted to kill herself... .denying that there was another... etc... .etc... .etc... .

Well... .she goes to therapy at the behest of her stepmother and just runs her game on the T.  Tells lie after lie and misrepresents herself... .does not admit to the cheating, the lying the drinking... etc... etc... .etc... .  I found out by being invited to a "closure" session... .where I realize that she has just lied about EVERYTHING to woo her therapist into her fantasy personality (hmmmmmm do I see a similarity here?) and blames me for everything that is wrong in her life apparently. The T was completely unprofessional in my book as she does not get to know me... .she just takes everything that my ex said as gospel (I will never know what she told the T!)... .which most of was to blame me for all things (oh... .andshe never cheated?)... .What the heck... .  They both ganged up on me a put me down... .HUH?  The T just met me 20mins before?  My ex is and EXPERT manipulator and a little innocent child (NOT!) and everyone buys her act!  Unbelievable. I left there in so much pain... .I can't tell you... .I felt so betrayed and ambushed.

So... .Paperlung... if your ex is ANYTHING like mine ... .I would not be holding out too much hope that she is actually going to go to a professional seeking to change and do some serious self examination. BPD's generally just do not do that.  They are just not built the way we are.  ... .to set yourself up with some kind of expectation that something like that will actually happen is like hoping that the leaves in the wind are going to jump in the lawn bag... . 

Take care of you. 

That's kind of what I've been worried about if she ever were to see a therapist; that she would not be completely and openly honest about herself.

I'm starting to see her as just a write-off at this point. She already had hit her rock bottom before moving back here and still hasn't smartened up.
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« Reply #33 on: February 11, 2015, 02:24:52 PM »

The thing is her recovery is about her and not your relationship with her.  Just as your healing is about you and not your relationship with her. 

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paperlung
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« Reply #34 on: February 11, 2015, 03:55:42 PM »

The thing is her recovery is about her and not your relationship with her.  Just as your healing is about you and not your relationship with her.

Her recovery... .what recovery? All she's thinking about right now from the looks is moving out (I assume downtown). And just days prior she told me this:

"I became very aware that I would not sustain a healthy functioning relationship like this, a job, or living alone. I had thoughts of moving out of my dad's place because I hate living here but I needed to think in the bigger grand scheme of things in my life. I am incapable of taking care of myself right now and the last thing I need to do is put myself in a position where I've been for the last two years. The last months in X (where she was before she moved back home) really changed me. And I apologize for acting like everything was fine when I spoke with you about it all before."

I just checked her cam page moments ago. She was on last night  for a couple hours (last time she was on was a month ago, January 10th). Her "Room Topic" said, "Hi. Haven't been on in a long time. 200 for all 14 videos tonight. help me move Smiling (click to insert in post)"

I feel so disappointed and upset right now, and I'm supposed to be going away on a trip in a couple hours. Moving out will not solve any of her problems. She's tried it multiple times before and she's always later regretted it, saying she was running away, ect. She'll have to cam again to support herself financially, something she told she didn't want to do anymore. Just... .what the hell... .I can't comprehend her impulsiveness. She never thinks long-term at all.

Her best option was to live with her dad (rent free), go on welfare so she doesn't have to cam, continue to build upon her growing YouTube channel, and most important of all, GET HELP. And move out afterwards if she feels she's doing better.

I feel like I mean nothing to her, because I told her if she were to move out that I would stop talking to her. She just doesn't care, even though she told me that one night I was over that I'm a very important person to her. Guess she's willing to throw that away again after clawing her way slowly back into my life.

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« Reply #35 on: February 11, 2015, 04:19:10 PM »

I'm sorry to hear that. Attachment styles developed in early life can help with how we cope with break-ups. Partners with caregivers that provided a sense that they were present; fostered trust are more likely to careful with their partners feelings.

Partners that had parental inconsistencies in their early years are more susceptible to defunct patterns in relationships and rather than go through the pain they would rather hang on, most members can attest how painful these break-ups are, it just short of losing a family member or loved one. I identify with an anxious attachment style.

To help speed up recovery there are things that you can do. Accept that the r/s is over and try not to attempt to win-back, or beg or reconsider later on. Recovery can be a fragile thing and it helps to stop communicating.  This will help you with moving on.

There's a mythology with love sometimes where we may think that the partner is our one true soul mate. There's nothing magical about one person.

In fact we have compatibilities for many potential people. What helps is not demonizing the ex partner. It's a waste of time and slow's down one's healing process. What's important is to not avoid the pain and to go through it, the sooner you have, the sooner you process it.

Excerpt
Attachment styles that emerge early in life also influence how people handle breakups later on.

Biology is nowhere near the whole story. Attachment styles that emerge early in life also influence how people handle breakups later on—and how they react to them.

Those with a secure attachment style—whose caregivers, by being generally responsive, instilled a sense of trust that they would always be around when needed—are most likely to approach breakups with psychological integrity. Typically, they clue their partners in about any changes in their feelings while taking care not to be hurtful.

On the receiving end of a breakup, “the secure person acknowledges that the loss hurts, but is sensible about it,” says Phillip Shaver, a University of California, Davis psychologist who has long studied attachment behavior. “They’re going to have an undeniable period of broken dreams, but they express that to a reasonable degree and then heal and move on.”

People with inconsistent parental attention during the first years of life—are apt to try to keep a defunct relationship going rather than suffer the pain of dissolving it

The Biology of Breaking Up
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Mike-X
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« Reply #36 on: February 11, 2015, 04:57:41 PM »

The thing is her recovery is about her and not your relationship with her.  Just as your healing is about you and not your relationship with her.

Her recovery... .what recovery? All she's thinking about right now from the looks is moving out (I assume downtown). And just days prior she told me this:

"I became very aware that I would not sustain a healthy functioning relationship like this, a job, or living alone. I had thoughts of moving out of my dad's place because I hate living here but I needed to think in the bigger grand scheme of things in my life. I am incapable of taking care of myself right now and the last thing I need to do is put myself in a position where I've been for the last two years. The last months in X (where she was before she moved back home) really changed me. And I apologize for acting like everything was fine when I spoke with you about it all before."

I just checked her cam page moments ago. She was on last night  for a couple hours (last time she was on was a month ago, January 10th). Her "Room Topic" said, "Hi. Haven't been on in a long time. 200 for all 14 videos tonight. help me move Smiling (click to insert in post)"

I feel so disappointed and upset right now, and I'm supposed to be going away on a trip in a couple hours. Moving out will not solve any of her problems. She's tried it multiple times before and she's always later regretted it, saying she was running away, ect. She'll have to cam again to support herself financially, something she told she didn't want to do anymore. Just... .what the hell... .I can't comprehend her impulsiveness. She never thinks long-term at all.

Her best option was to live with her dad (rent free), go on welfare so she doesn't have to cam, continue to build upon her growing YouTube channel, and most important of all, GET HELP. And move out afterwards if she feels she's doing better.

I feel like I mean nothing to her, because I told her if she were to move out that I would stop talking to her. She just doesn't care, even though she told me that one night I was over that I'm a very important person to her. Guess she's willing to throw that away again after clawing her way slowly back into my life.

Remember to try to depersonalize it all. You seem to have been a very good friend and boy friend to her, and you have tried to provide the best advice and support that you can. You have explicitly expressed your care, concern, and love for her and your willingness and openness to help her. She is an adult responsible for deciding for herself what is right and wrong for her life. Her decisions regarding staying with her dad and going back to webcams don't reflect anything about you or your success or failure as a friend to her.

She probably does truly see you as an important person in her life, and I would imagine that her feelings for you that she expressed during the idealization phase and at moments along the way were genuine, at least, during those moments in her life.  However, as you know with BPD, in the long run, love is typically not accepted, embraced, and allowed to grow; the desperate need for love is paradoxically associated with an equally, if not stronger, desperate need to push loved ones away because of the anxiety and pain associated with loving and being loved.
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paperlung
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« Reply #37 on: February 12, 2015, 07:29:41 PM »

Hey guys, just checking in. I'm actually away right now on my snowboard trip, but feel like I needed to talk some more as this whole situation has really affected me. Even while I was boarding today, I couldn't totally get her out of my head. Really, really sucks.

The thing is her recovery is about her and not your relationship with her.  Just as your healing is about you and not your relationship with her.

Her recovery... .what recovery? All she's thinking about right now from the looks is moving out (I assume downtown). And just days prior she told me this:

"I became very aware that I would not sustain a healthy functioning relationship like this, a job, or living alone. I had thoughts of moving out of my dad's place because I hate living here but I needed to think in the bigger grand scheme of things in my life. I am incapable of taking care of myself right now and the last thing I need to do is put myself in a position where I've been for the last two years. The last months in X (where she was before she moved back home) really changed me. And I apologize for acting like everything was fine when I spoke with you about it all before."

I just checked her cam page moments ago. She was on last night  for a couple hours (last time she was on was a month ago, January 10th). Her "Room Topic" said, "Hi. Haven't been on in a long time. 200 for all 14 videos tonight. help me move Smiling (click to insert in post)"

I feel so disappointed and upset right now, and I'm supposed to be going away on a trip in a couple hours. Moving out will not solve any of her problems. She's tried it multiple times before and she's always later regretted it, saying she was running away, ect. She'll have to cam again to support herself financially, something she told she didn't want to do anymore. Just... .what the hell... .I can't comprehend her impulsiveness. She never thinks long-term at all.

Her best option was to live with her dad (rent free), go on welfare so she doesn't have to cam, continue to build upon her growing YouTube channel, and most important of all, GET HELP. And move out afterwards if she feels she's doing better.

I feel like I mean nothing to her, because I told her if she were to move out that I would stop talking to her. She just doesn't care, even though she told me that one night I was over that I'm a very important person to her. Guess she's willing to throw that away again after clawing her way slowly back into my life.

Remember to try to depersonalize it all. You seem to have been a very good friend and boy friend to her, and you have tried to provide the best advice and support that you can. You have explicitly expressed your care, concern, and love for her and your willingness and openness to help her. She is an adult responsible for deciding for herself what is right and wrong for her life. Her decisions regarding staying with her dad and going back to webcams don't reflect anything about you or your success or failure as a friend to her.

She probably does truly see you as an important person in her life, and I would imagine that her feelings for you that she expressed during the idealization phase and at moments along the way were genuine, at least, during those moments in her life.  However, as you know with BPD, in the long run, love is typically not accepted, embraced, and allowed to grow; the desperate need for love is paradoxically associated with an equally, if not stronger, desperate need to push loved ones away because of the anxiety and pain associated with loving and being loved.

I was a terrific boyfriend. The best one she's ever had according to her. Judging by what I've heard about all her ex-boyfriends before and my replacements afterwards, I'm inclined to believe her. I was practically a saint.

Last night I arrived at my destination around 5:30. My friends and I immediately went out to a pub/bar for dinner to watch the hockey game. As we were sitting down, waiting on our food, I pulled out my phone to check some things and eventually found myself looking at her Instagram. She had just recently uploaded a mirror selfie photo of herself with a beer in hand while sticking her tounge out in what looked to be the POF guy's bathroom. I felt like I didn't even recognize her. It made me feel kind of sad. Remember, this is a guy she just met (went on a meet up/date with last Saturday). And since, I think, Monday... .? She's been living at his appartment downtown instead of with her dad.

She cammed again yesterday evening (only for an hour) from his place. I assume trying to make money so she can move out of her dad's, which I think is a huge mistake. She herself even told during her brief moment of clarity that she should not move because she is in no condition to do so. I guess she suddenly feels capable. Yeah, right... .

This morning, before we hit the slopes, I got my brother to put a password lock on every website I want to visit on my iPhone so I can't see what she's up to. I also password locked the ability to downloads apps like Instagram, Facebook, and POF so I can't check her activity. I have no idea what's she done/posted/logged into today. Still, mostly all I can think about at the moment is if she's really going to move out and basically screw herself over in the long-run again. I realize she's technically an adult, although behaves more like a child, but I can't seem to stop obsessing over this. It's totally the wrong decision, and she once knew that just last Tuesday when she sent me that long text I posted earlier in this thread.

A part of me wants to just see her and try and talk some sense into her, but I'm worried it probably won't make a difference; the denial is probably too strong at this point.

I haven't heard from her since I text messaged her this Monday asking if she still was thinking of moving out and she gave me cold, short answers. She was texting me so frequently before that, it's so strange. Would it be worth it to try again? Or should I sit back and let her make another guaranteed mistake. Remember, I have tried once already.

God damn, I just care about this girl too much. It's so painful. I want to cry so badly sometimes but have a hard time totally breaking down because I'm an anti-depressant.
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Mike-X
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« Reply #38 on: February 12, 2015, 07:45:51 PM »

I am sorry that you are feeling this pain and at times consumed with thoughts about her. I have found that my pain sometimes comes from trying to fight my continued attachment to her. For example, when I find myself having thoughts about how I was wronged and getting angry or having feelings of loss, I have found that if I accept that those feelings are a part of missing the woman I fell in love with, by just saying in my head or out loud, "you are still attached to her; you still have feelings for her; but that is ok because you did love her, and you miss the woman you fell in love with", my thoughts and anxiety calm down. You are probably experiencing a good amount of anxiety about the loss at those times. Try not to fight it. Try to mentally label it accurately and embrace it.

www.tinybuddha.com/blog/embracing-all-of-life-instead-of-resisting-pain/
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Mike-X
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« Reply #39 on: February 12, 2015, 07:47:40 PM »

It is good that you are with good company. Enjoy the time and the slopes. I am envious! I haven't been skiing in years.
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« Reply #40 on: February 12, 2015, 09:47:03 PM »

God damn, I just care about this girl too much.

Yes, you do. You care about her more than you care about yourself, apparently.

I know it's hard. I know you care. But you are sacrificing your own emotional well-being to focus on her.

She is an adult with the freedom to make her own choices about her life. You can't control or change what she does.

You are so consumed by her and her problems that you aren't addressing your own emotions and needs. Turn that caring inwards. Start taking care of the person who deserves it - You.

I am sorry that you are feeling this pain and at times consumed with thoughts about her. I have found that my pain sometimes comes from trying to fight my continued attachment to her. For example, when I find myself having thoughts about how I was wronged and getting angry or having feelings of loss, I have found that if I accept that those feelings are a part of missing the woman I fell in love with, by just saying in my head or out loud, "you are still attached to her; you still have feelings for her; but that is ok because you did love her, and you miss the woman you fell in love with", my thoughts and anxiety calm down. You are probably experiencing a good amount of anxiety about the loss at those times. Try not to fight it. Try to mentally label it accurately and embrace it.

www.tinybuddha.com/blog/embracing-all-of-life-instead-of-resisting-pain/

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #41 on: February 12, 2015, 10:07:53 PM »

Smart move on the password lock stuff I wish I knew how to do that. If you could perhaps make a tutorial about it for one of those tools boards I think you would seriously help a lot of people.
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paperlung
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« Reply #42 on: February 13, 2015, 03:28:12 AM »

God damn, I just care about this girl too much.

Yes, you do. You care about her more than you care about yourself, apparently.

I know it's hard. I know you care. But you are sacrificing your own emotional well-being to focus on her.

She is an adult with the freedom to make her own choices about her life. You can't control or change what she does.

You are so consumed by her and her problems that you aren't addressing your own emotions and needs. Turn that caring inwards. Start taking care of the person who deserves it - You.

I am sorry that you are feeling this pain and at times consumed with thoughts about her. I have found that my pain sometimes comes from trying to fight my continued attachment to her. For example, when I find myself having thoughts about how I was wronged and getting angry or having feelings of loss, I have found that if I accept that those feelings are a part of missing the woman I fell in love with, by just saying in my head or out loud, "you are still attached to her; you still have feelings for her; but that is ok because you did love her, and you miss the woman you fell in love with", my thoughts and anxiety calm down. You are probably experiencing a good amount of anxiety about the loss at those times. Try not to fight it. Try to mentally label it accurately and embrace it.

www.tinybuddha.com/blog/embracing-all-of-life-instead-of-resisting-pain/

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

That was always a problem of mine when we were a couple. Back when I first met her, she was extremely needed and clingy. She'd ask for me to come spend the night at her dad's place almost every night because she didn't like being alone. She'd also ask me to come over at late hours like 11 PM when I had just gotten home from work so I could pick her up some food to eat because she would just sleep all day and not feed herself. I took care of her like she was my own daughter. If I ever refused her, she would say I didn't care/love her and that I was abandoning her. Heck, sometimes she'd even make me skip classes so I could lay in bed with her during the day because she was feeling depressed.

I shouldn't of went over to her place again. And it wasn't even because the sex (that meant nothing to me), it's how closely we interacted afterwards. She was cuddled up next me and we were just talking about the good times we had together. I'd remind her of certain events and it would make her feel happy. She'd snuggle closer and give me kisses. That's what really messed with me, especially after she decided to suddenly go cold on me and look at moving out. All of that doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things though, I guess. I could never see myself back in a relationship with that train wreck.
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« Reply #43 on: February 13, 2015, 04:40:42 AM »

I understand your anguish. These connections are hard to break. I love that you are blocking her AND that your brother is involved... .that's good positive support. I hope that you can keep taking those steps and move forward away from her... .someday you will get to a point where you will laugh about this and say "what was I thinking?"

She is on her own road... .let yours be one that is headed upward... .she is doing everything in her power to take the downward spiraling road... .it's her choice. IMHO you cannot "save" her from herself... .but you can save yourself from taking that disastrous ride. Just get a little selfish (in a healthy way) and keep making the choices that take care of you.  
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« Reply #44 on: February 13, 2015, 10:50:07 AM »

I understand your anguish. These connections are hard to break. I love that you are blocking her AND that your brother is involved... .that's good positive support. I hope that you can keep taking those steps and move forward away from her... .someday you will get to a point where you will laugh about this and say "what was I thinking?"

She is on her own road... .let yours be one that is headed upward... .she is doing everything in her power to take the downward spiraling road... .it's her choice. IMHO you cannot "save" her from herself... .but you can save yourself from taking that disastrous ride. Just get a little selfish (in a healthy way) and keep making the choices that take care of you.  

Thanks, man. Always appreciate your advice.

I did, however, not block her phone number. She sent me a text 20 minutes ago saying, "I've been like couch surfing downtown, so I dont have to go home. What . a. . life"

And right now she just sent this, "I should just live like Emile Herschs character in into the wild. I have nothing else going for me."

I don't want to reply right now. I'm on vacation (and now sick). Arrghh what a mess she is.
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« Reply #45 on: February 13, 2015, 02:31:02 PM »

I don't want to reply right now.

Good. That's better for you because you're trying to keep your distance. She's looking for a response more than a real connection, anyway. So playing into it adds fuel to the fire, not helps things cool down. You each have patterns to change, whether trying to be together or learning to be apart, and you can't do that for her, only for yourself. Forward motion.
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« Reply #46 on: February 13, 2015, 11:02:52 PM »

What a mess she is. Living at some random POF guy's place for almost a week because she doesn't want to go home to her dad's place because it makes her feel depressed. Said she'd end her life if she went back there. What a drama queen. It's not that bad at her dad's place. He's just a weird guy who isn't very close with his daughter. She wouldn't have to pay rent, wouldn't have to cam... .just focus on bettering herself with local treatment.

Smh.
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Infared
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #47 on: February 14, 2015, 10:33:13 AM »

I read this this morning:

www.dailyom.com/articles/2015/38884.html

Then... .I read it two more times... .I think I need to read it every day. Twice.  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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Mike-X
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: living apart
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« Reply #48 on: February 14, 2015, 01:47:27 PM »

What a mess she is. Living at some random POF guy's place for almost a week because she doesn't want to go home to her dad's place because it makes her feel depressed. Said she'd end her life if she went back there. What a drama queen. It's not that bad at her dad's place. He's just a weird guy who isn't very close with his daughter. She wouldn't have to pay rent, wouldn't have to cam... .just focus on bettering herself with local treatment.

Smh.

So that ultimate boundary that you mentioned was violated, right? Do you feel like that provides some closure?
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paperlung
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« Reply #49 on: February 14, 2015, 03:16:37 PM »

I read this this morning:

www.dailyom.com/articles/2015/38884.html

Then... .I read it two more times... .I think I need to read it every day. Twice.  Being cool (click to insert in post)

Good read. Thanks.

What a mess she is. Living at some random POF guy's place for almost a week because she doesn't want to go home to her dad's place because it makes her feel depressed. Said she'd end her life if she went back there. What a drama queen. It's not that bad at her dad's place. He's just a weird guy who isn't very close with his daughter. She wouldn't have to pay rent, wouldn't have to cam... .just focus on bettering herself with local treatment.

Smh.

So that ultimate boundary that you mentioned was violated, right? Do you feel like that provides some closure?

I believe so, yes. At the end of the day, I can't make or force her to do anything. I can only give her my advice as to what I feel is the healthiest approach to getting better.
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Mike-X
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: living apart
Posts: 669


« Reply #50 on: February 14, 2015, 04:30:49 PM »

God damn, I just care about this girl too much.

Yes, you do. You care about her more than you care about yourself, apparently.

I know it's hard. I know you care. But you are sacrificing your own emotional well-being to focus on her.

She is an adult with the freedom to make her own choices about her life. You can't control or change what she does.

You are so consumed by her and her problems that you aren't addressing your own emotions and needs. Turn that caring inwards. Start taking care of the person who deserves it - You.

I am sorry that you are feeling this pain and at times consumed with thoughts about her. I have found that my pain sometimes comes from trying to fight my continued attachment to her. For example, when I find myself having thoughts about how I was wronged and getting angry or having feelings of loss, I have found that if I accept that those feelings are a part of missing the woman I fell in love with, by just saying in my head or out loud, "you are still attached to her; you still have feelings for her; but that is ok because you did love her, and you miss the woman you fell in love with", my thoughts and anxiety calm down. You are probably experiencing a good amount of anxiety about the loss at those times. Try not to fight it. Try to mentally label it accurately and embrace it.

www.tinybuddha.com/blog/embracing-all-of-life-instead-of-resisting-pain/

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

That was always a problem of mine when we were a couple. Back when I first met her, she was extremely needed and clingy. She'd ask for me to come spend the night at her dad's place almost every night because she didn't like being alone. She'd also ask me to come over at late hours like 11 PM when I had just gotten home from work so I could pick her up some food to eat because she would just sleep all day and not feed herself. I took care of her like she was my own daughter. If I ever refused her, she would say I didn't care/love her and that I was abandoning her. Heck, sometimes she'd even make me skip classes so I could lay in bed with her during the day because she was feeling depressed.

I shouldn't of went over to her place again. And it wasn't even because the sex (that meant nothing to me), it's how closely we interacted afterwards. She was cuddled up next me and we were just talking about the good times we had together. I'd remind her of certain events and it would make her feel happy. She'd snuggle closer and give me kisses. That's what really messed with me, especially after she decided to suddenly go cold on me and look at moving out. All of that doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things though, I guess. I could never see myself back in a relationship with that train wreck.

I appreciate your openness in your posts. So were you craving the affection and validation as a good boyfriend/caretaker? I certainly was in my relationship, and they are definitely both issues that i need to be mindful of and work on.
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paperlung
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 448


« Reply #51 on: February 14, 2015, 06:47:05 PM »

God damn, I just care about this girl too much.

Yes, you do. You care about her more than you care about yourself, apparently.

I know it's hard. I know you care. But you are sacrificing your own emotional well-being to focus on her.

She is an adult with the freedom to make her own choices about her life. You can't control or change what she does.

You are so consumed by her and her problems that you aren't addressing your own emotions and needs. Turn that caring inwards. Start taking care of the person who deserves it - You.

I am sorry that you are feeling this pain and at times consumed with thoughts about her. I have found that my pain sometimes comes from trying to fight my continued attachment to her. For example, when I find myself having thoughts about how I was wronged and getting angry or having feelings of loss, I have found that if I accept that those feelings are a part of missing the woman I fell in love with, by just saying in my head or out loud, "you are still attached to her; you still have feelings for her; but that is ok because you did love her, and you miss the woman you fell in love with", my thoughts and anxiety calm down. You are probably experiencing a good amount of anxiety about the loss at those times. Try not to fight it. Try to mentally label it accurately and embrace it.

www.tinybuddha.com/blog/embracing-all-of-life-instead-of-resisting-pain/

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

That was always a problem of mine when we were a couple. Back when I first met her, she was extremely needed and clingy. She'd ask for me to come spend the night at her dad's place almost every night because she didn't like being alone. She'd also ask me to come over at late hours like 11 PM when I had just gotten home from work so I could pick her up some food to eat because she would just sleep all day and not feed herself. I took care of her like she was my own daughter. If I ever refused her, she would say I didn't care/love her and that I was abandoning her. Heck, sometimes she'd even make me skip classes so I could lay in bed with her during the day because she was feeling depressed.

I shouldn't of went over to her place again. And it wasn't even because the sex (that meant nothing to me), it's how closely we interacted afterwards. She was cuddled up next me and we were just talking about the good times we had together. I'd remind her of certain events and it would make her feel happy. She'd snuggle closer and give me kisses. That's what really messed with me, especially after she decided to suddenly go cold on me and look at moving out. All of that doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things though, I guess. I could never see myself back in a relationship with that train wreck.

I appreciate your openness in your posts. So were you craving the affection and validation as a good boyfriend/caretaker? I certainly was in my relationship, and they are definitely both issues that i need to be mindful of and work on.

I guess so. She told me how all of her ex-boyfriends before me (there were 4) had all hurt her in some shape or form. She also opened up to me early on about her terrible childhood and it just broke my heart. After that, I told myself that I would be the best boyfriend she has ever had. One that will never make her cry. I wanted her to be finally happy.
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« Reply #52 on: February 14, 2015, 06:57:11 PM »

"I guess so. She told me how all of her ex-boyfriends before me (there were 4) had all hurt her in some shape or form. She also opened up to me early on about her terrible childhood and it just broke my heart. After that, I told myself that I would be the best boyfriend she has ever had. One that will never make her cry. I wanted her to be finally happy."

Why did you tell yourself that?   Who does [she] remind you of?  Who is it your really want to finally be happy?  Who from your past do you want to finally be happy? If she was finally happy what is it you would recieve?
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« Reply #53 on: February 14, 2015, 10:42:49 PM »

Staff only

The thread is a worthwhile discussion, it has reached it's post limit and is locked. You are welcome with opening a new thread with a similar topic.
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