Blarg indeed.

We were discussing a few weeks back that she wants you to be married to her, even if she doesn't want to be married to you.  That seems to be what is going on here.  She wants to be able to continue to access you in at least emotionally intimate ways, when and if she wants to.

From my own experience I think this kind of situation is the very hardest to walk away from.  Ambiguity, mixed signals, no overt abuse.  It's hard to get sure of what to do when everything is so murky.

Hope you're feeling better today, Grey.

This sounds like the old push/pull to me:


I agree with patientandclear -- when there's no overt, intense abuse, it does tend to fog things up even more. I know in my r-ship, it caused me to keep second-guessing myself and my feelings.

Or she might just be saying what she thinks are caring words. Like, not wanting to hurt you, and thinking this is what you want to hear, but not having any deeper meaning. I don't know.

I also agree with what songbook said about how it's just going to take a bit of time to get some clarity. I know you don't want to go NC, and generally LC sounds pretty workable in your case -- but it likely will draw out your healing process. As well as hers, I'd imagine. Hang in there.

Yep everybody, this is the same old mixed message / push-pull I've been dealing with for a while now.

And I really can't go NC right now--we still have a lot of shared things, financial and otherwise... .and communications are required to either divide things up, or to deal with shared stuff. I am pretty LC these days.

songbook, we are living separately these days, both of us making our own way in pretty much different directions. That much isn't going to change for a while, no matter what. I'm not moving back toward her (much, anyway), but I am feeling the tugs. (Ongoing pattern: She does or says something to push me away/separate. Then acts hurt and surprised when I respond as if I believe it!)

Went to bed late last night, and woke up early this morning, feeling pretty good. Took a nap in the afternoon 'tho. Did sleep peacefully... .both times.

Or maybe you're just not ready.

I'm not hearing "Reason to Believe" in my head when you describe the situation now. Maybe more the voice of Barbra Streisand, singing, "What difference if I say I'll go away . . . ".

I don't think you're living "Reason to Believe" anymore either. Because she's been pretty frank with you, hasn't she? I guess I'm just wondering what the next event is in your marriage? Is there a decision timeline or another marriage counseling session scheduled? Or is the status quo kind of moving you along by itself? (That's the part that I find hard to see, as you still sound pretty attached.)

Sounds completely reasonable to me.

Nope on the MC. I just realized today that not only was I not planning to continue it, I'm unwilling to pay for half of it anymore. I just don't see the point. The MC was ahead of me in figuring it out--at the end of the session he shook both our hands... .and didn't suggest another appointment.

MC got my wife to realize and express clearly to me that she was done with the romantic relationship with me.

I've learned enough not to chase after her anymore. Honestly, I don't even want to chase her where she is right now--I'm worth having a relationship with somebody who WANTS to be in it with me!

I know that I still want a romantic relationship with her... .or something we once had... .or at least something I once thought we had... .or something I believe we could have in a different future... .and that I need time and space to detach enough that I can have build a friendship on the solid foundation of being an ex-lover, instead of the shifting sands of those wistful hopes.

MC won't change her mind. Perhaps individual T would get her to making different choices... .perhaps not... .but that isn't my problem anymore.

I'm going forward, sad, but with very little in the way of regrets on my own behavior. I did the best I could with what I knew at the time, and I've learned a lot.

This is what I have learned about where I am at also GK.  I do want a r/s with my wife, and as you know, I have come to the decision not chase her and haven't in almost two weeks.  In fact, I have only texted her first once during that time period.  The rest of the time, it has been her who has texted.  She knows where to find me.  I do still wear my wedding ring.  My biggest issue is she hasn't asked to spend time with me outside of her needs (I don't mean physically, but when she needs something) in a while.  That is a tough pill to swallow and has created a wound in me that I am trying to work through and forgive.