World War Two is coming

[littlebirdcline]

I posted a lot last summer about the gigantic blow up with my mother that resulted in months of no contact and since then, an uncomfortable truce.  I have severly cut back on the communication, but still speak a couple times a week and try to keep things on a shallow, safe level.  She skypes with my son, and we have exchanged gifts for holidays, etc... .  I have not actually seen her, though, as she tried to start a fight right as I was planning a visit and I chickened out.  I didn't take the bait for that fight, and we went back to the uncomfortable truce. 

Things had improved lately, because ironically, when her mother got ill, she got less worried about me and focused on that screwed up situation (which is a whole other story).  Now, my grandmother is getting better, and she's getting testy with me again.

After spending a good bit of time convincing my husband we could not keep her from my son's birthday party in a couple months (he wants her banned from our house forever), I finally got him to agree to let her come to the party, as long as she isn't spending the night.  Easy enough- my brother is planning to come and he always get the guest room if he does.  So, after days of working up to it, I told her the date this morning and said for her to mark her calendar.

Big mistake.

It is clear that my suspicions that she was just holding all her resentment and anger in are very correct.  She said we'd "have to talk about it" because she figured she wasn't invited and wasn't welcome.  Other comments: she didn't "want to be a burden" and alternately, doesn't want "to be treated like Gollum in the corner".  (I held back the comment that she always hides and pouts anyway.)  I mentioned that it would hurt my son if she wasn't there, and she responded with "you were the one who hurt him when you wouldn't let him come last August."  It started to devolve, so I just told her I had to go and that I'd talk to her later.

On one hand, I can say I didn't shed a tear, which is new.  Deep down, I knew she would not just say "great!  We'll be there!"  when I told her about the party.  I am just so tired of thinking about it.  I think she expects me to apologize and beg forgiveness (she made a comment that I can't just pretend like it didn't happen forever).  I did apologize for the things I thought I should, but she wants me to recant everything I have said, tell her she is not mentally ill, and then let her proceed to have her way again.   I can't. 

So, here I sit, once again trying to figure out how to fix a situation I didn't create.  Wondering why I'm putting myself through all this.  What is the endgame? Is there someone here who can give an example of actually improving their situation?  Or am I just prolonging the inevitable.  I cannot go back, but if there is no going forward, is there value in living in limbo?

[Kwamina]

Hi littlebirdcline

I posted a lot last summer about the gigantic blow up with my mother that resulted in months of no contact and since then, an uncomfortable truce.  I have severly cut back on the communication, but still speak a couple times a week and try to keep things on a shallow, safe level.  She skypes with my son, and we have exchanged gifts for holidays, etc... . I have not actually seen her, though, as she tried to start a fight right as I was planning a visit and I chickened out.  I didn't take the bait for that fight, and we went back to the uncomfortable truce.  

I personally wouldn't classify this as you chickening out but more as you making a wise decision and enforcing your boundaries Don't forget that you went no contact for a reason followed by a truce that you call uncomfortable. What was she trying to start a fight about?

You still speak to her a couple of times a week. How does your mother respond to you trying to keep things on a shallow, safe level?

It is clear that my suspicions that she was just holding all her resentment and anger in are very correct.  She said we'd "have to talk about it" because she figured she wasn't invited and wasn't welcome.  Other comments: she didn't "want to be a burden" and alternately, doesn't want "to be treated like Gollum in the corner".  (I held back the comment that she always hides and pouts anyway.)  I mentioned that it would hurt my son if she wasn't there, and she responded with "you were the one who hurt him when you wouldn't let him come last August."  It started to devolve, so I just told her I had to go and that I'd talk to her later.

I'm sorry to hear that this didn't go so well. I understand your desire for wanting her to be present at your son's birthday party. She skypes with your son, how would you classify the relationship your mother has with your son? How has she treated your son in the past before that big blow up you had with her last year? Were they close?

On one hand, I can say I didn't shed a tear, which is new.  :)eep down, I knew she would not just say "great!  We'll be there!"  when I told her about the party.  I am just so tired of thinking about it.  I think she expects me to apologize and beg forgiveness (she made a comment that I can't just pretend like it didn't happen forever).  I did apologize for the things I thought I should, but she wants me to recant everything I have said, tell her she is not mentally ill, and then let her proceed to have her way again.   I can't.  

It might help to ask yourself if you feel like there's anything you need to apologize for. If there isn't, you apologizing would only be to make your mother feel better while making you probably feel even worse.

So, here I sit, once again trying to figure out how to fix a situation I didn't create.  Wondering why I'm putting myself through all this.  What is the endgame? Is there someone here who can give an example of actually improving their situation?  Or am I just prolonging the inevitable.  I cannot go back, but if there is no going forward, is there value in living in limbo?

Do you feel like you've truly been able to accept the reality of your mother likely having BPD? Acceptance is often very hard because it requires letting go of the fantasy parent we never had, probably won't ever have yet still might long for.

[JohnLove]

Hello littlebirdcline, I often wonder how much people are responsible for their predicament or situations they find themselves in. Myself included. Honestly, I can only see healthy behaviours on your part. I know as Mothers age they seem to become bitter and resentful when everything is not "done their way" and they have passed their "prime". It's quite sad really as grandparenting should be more about fun and less about hard work.    but it seems your Mother IS REALLY HARD WORK. 

Your Mothers comments are undoubtably true. It is projection. She knows it. You know it. She would rather you pandered to her disordered personality and reassured her that these things weren't the case, but you and I both know it is (and your husband is under no illusion).

She is basically asking you to be untrue to her AND TO YOURSELF. No wonder you can't do it. Good for you. It shows you are trying to live a life of truthfulness rather than living a LIE. And we all know how that ends.

I am a man, and I didnt miss your comment by your husband. Your husbands wishes and feelings should also be taken into account on this subject because it's his son too. Your husband is a forgiving and tolerant man. He respects you and your wishes. He respects your Mother as well despite her doing nothing to deserve his respect. Am I wrong?

Your behaviour is commendable. I have not read your previous posts but it is clear that you are trying to work through difficult family relations for the benefit of your child. It probably feels like banging your head against a brick wall.  :'(  You could read through the tools on this site and try a different approach. Not reacting is good but often a person with a personality disorder will only escalate until they get the reaction they seek. Your behaviours are protective of yourself and of your son and that is healthy. The best tactic I have found is not playing the blame game but putting the negative disordered behaviour back on the person responsible and making them accountable for it. They most certainly won't like it but in that instance they'll have nobody to project their disordered negative crap on but themselves.    ... .and when they realise that they may realise they are responsible for their OWN choices.

Not shedding a tear means you are becoming aligned with your expectations of her. You have obviously have reassessed the situation more than twice. This is you making progress for yourself. How is your Mother doing?

There is great value in you making healthy choices for you and YOUR immediate family with less emphasis on your FOO. No one can tell you what to do... .well actually they can... .but true satisfaction can only come from you. Knowing you did your best, and that's all you can do. You are responsible for your child (and your husband) NOT your Mother. Follow your heart but Listen to your head. With this coupling you will make the right choices for you and your family. You may not get exactly what you want but it is not all up to you. There is value in everything.

My "suggestion" to you is to invite her with condition. The condition that she leaves her crap at her home and celebrates your son's (and HER grandson's) birthday peacefully and if she wants to be disruptive to the family celebration you will ask her to leave or call her a taxi. Make it a condition that if she breaks then she will be removed and she can celebrate her grandson's birthday in her home her own way. If it came to this I would remove her quietly and explain to your son or anyone else that she felt really sick. Because that is the TRUTH. She IS sick!.

Look. Even if she becomes highly inflammatory, extremely disruptive and absolutely intolerable and nothing works (with the result that she actually is banned) your husband can say he told you so. Do you really want that? 

[eaglestar1013]

Wow, your mom's comments sound so much like my mom's comments to me.  She "doesn't want to be a burden" but at the same time will lament that she "doesn't have any friends" and that "no one cares about [her] needs."  "I've accepted that I'm always going to be second to your father," she will say.  "I've accepted that no one cares about my needs."  She talks about how she "hates to burden other people," and "hates to rely on other people," and then demands that we help her out.  She'll start off the conversation with, "We have to talk about something," and I know a fight is coming.  Then she will say things like, "You probably know that you're your father's favorite and he loves you more than he loves me," or "As you know, your father and I are going through a hard time.  He doesn't love me, and I've accepted that he will never love me."  And when I say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way," or whatever, and kind of push the conversation toward a resolution and ask, "What do you expect me to do?" She'll say something like, "Well, you need to not complain so much about the chores I ask you to do," or "You need to help me out more often, because I'm under a lot of stress," and if I ask for specifics, she will refer to some vague moment in time where she inferred that my tone was ungrateful or irritated that I had been asked to do something.

I'm not trying to steal your thunder here and talk about my mom's problems, only share that I am seeing similarities in the self-destructive behavior and setting herself up for failure.  I am not sure if my mom has BPD or another disorder, but hearing other people talk about these behaviors has helped me to see a lot of similarities.  I don't know what the solution is, but it seems like you have handled it as best as you could without putting your relationship with your husband into turmoil.  Thanks for sharing.

[littlebirdcline]

Thanks for the support, you guys.  I didn't hear from her for over a week- including my  40th birthday.  Then, I get a text asking if she could Skype with my son this weekend.  I thought about it for a bit, and then emailed her I didn't think it was a good idea and explaining that I have been trying to very hard to get a long with her, while she was holding a grudge and waiting for the right moment to strike.  (I said it much nicer than that, of course.)  I left it with a statement that I didn't know where to go from here because it is clear she can't move forward and I can't go back.  So far, no response.  I have no idea what's going to happen, but I do know I stood my ground without getting angry.  Progress!

[Kwamina]

Hi again littlebirdcline 

Thanks for the support, you guys.  I didn't hear from her for over a week- including my  40th birthday.  Then, I get a text asking if she could Skype with my son this weekend.  I thought about it for a bit, and then emailed her I didn't think it was a good idea and explaining that I have been trying to very hard to get a long with her, while she was holding a grudge and waiting for the right moment to strike.  (I said it much nicer than that, of course.)  I left it with a statement that I didn't know where to go from here because it is clear she can't move forward and I can't go back.  So far, no response.  I have no idea what's going to happen, but I do know I stood my ground without getting angry.  Progress!

A few days have passed since you sent your mom that email. How are you feeling now? And has your mother responded to your email?

Calmly yet firmly standing your ground is progress indeed

[Panda39]

Wow, your mom's comments sound so much like my mom's comments to me.  She "doesn't want to be a burden" but at the same time will lament that she "doesn't have any friends" and that "no one cares about [her] needs."  "I've accepted that I'm always going to be second to your father," she will say.  "I've accepted that no one cares about my needs."  She talks about how she "hates to burden other people," and "hates to rely on other people," and then demands that we help her out.  She'll start off the conversation with, "We have to talk about something," and I know a fight is coming.  Then she will say things like, "You probably know that you're your father's favorite and he loves you more than he loves me," or "As you know, your father and I are going through a hard time.  He doesn't love me, and I've accepted that he will never love me."  And when I say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way," or whatever, and kind of push the conversation toward a resolution and ask, "What do you expect me to do?" She'll say something like, "Well, you need to not complain so much about the chores I ask you to do," or "You need to help me out more often, because I'm under a lot of stress," and if I ask for specifics, she will refer to some vague moment in time where she inferred that my tone was ungrateful or irritated that I had been asked to do something.

I'm not trying to steal your thunder here and talk about my mom's problems, only share that I am seeing similarities in the self-destructive behavior and setting herself up for failure.  I am not sure if my mom has BPD or another disorder, but hearing other people talk about these behaviors has helped me to see a lot of similarities.  I don't know what the solution is, but it seems like you have handled it as best as you could without putting your relationship with your husband into turmoil.  Thanks for sharing.

 FOG... .Thick... .London... .Sherlock Holmes... .FOG 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

[littlebirdcline]

I have heard nothing from her since I sent the email.  Now, my brother isn't responding to my communications, either.  I'll be honest, I am not doing well at the moment.  I am afraid I am losing my connection to my family completely, and the last few days, I feel like I am grieving just like I'd been dumped by a boyfriend or something.  I'm having trouble concentrating on anything else, which isn't fair to my husband and son, who deserve my full attention.   I have no idea what to do at this point, and just wish there someone who could swoop in and fix the situation.  Intellectually, I know this is never going to happen, just a childish emotional response.  I'm just sick to death of thinking about it, worrying about it, and it hurts to really see where I stand with my dad and brother.  I never thought they would place me in the role of bad guy, but I am afraid they are.  I knew they would never confront her or really stand up to her, but I had hoped that at least I would get some affirmation from them behind her back.  Maybe they are just more evolved than I am and can let her be crazy and mean and just put up with it.  They don't understand why I can't just let her have her way like I have for 40 years. 

Sorry to vent and wallow in my depression.  It's just an odd place to be in to be certain that you are doing the right thing by protecting yourself and still be so damn sad about it. 

[Kwamina]

Maybe they are just more evolved than I am and can let her be crazy and mean and just put up with it.  

Perhaps... .or maybe they are just more stuck in the FOG then you are. There are various possibilities here and at this point you can't know for certain what's going on and why your brother isn't responding to you either. It does seem probable that his behavior is also related to the email you sent your mother, but even that you can't know for certain yet. There are multiple scenarios that could explain what's going on here and my advice would be to try not to focus too much on only the most negative scenario that comes to mind until you have some concrete evidence for what's going on. How would you classify your relationship with your brother until this point? Would you say the two of you are close? Has it ever happened before that your brother just didn't respond to you?

[littlebirdcline]

Kwamina-

You are 100% right.  Not long after I posted that, I sent my brother a couple of emotional text messages, and he wrote back that he was having issues that had nothing to do with me and he wasn't mad.  I felt so stupid.  I don't usually let my mind get too crazy like that, but this past weekend, I was just in such a depressed place, I let my fear get the better of me. My brother and I have always been very close, and he agrees that my mother is BPD (he is the one who told me about it.)  We do have different opinions on how to deal with it, but he has told me over and over he is not going to let it come between us.  I just need to remember that and stop letting the negative get the better of me.  That is one of my mother's most annoying qualities- she can take a happy occasion and turn it negative in five seconds.  I definitely do not want to repeat that behavior. 

Thanks so much for your response.  I need a reminder like that every now and then.