opinions please

[emancipated]

I am about 7.5-8 months out of my relationship... I have done my digging and got the answers I needed to questions that kept me ruminating. Long story short we had a fight I moved out she wanted me back we talked and was gonna move back but she decided she wasn't ready turns out she was prepping my replacement a 48 year old.man w money... hid the relationship... The breaking point is when I found out she abandoned the dog we adopted without calling me to give me a chance to come get her... Its funny I know I can't take her back if she wanted to but I miss her and been thinking about her a lot lately ... I have a feeling she will contact at some point but I'm not sure... Back when I wanted it more than air I thought it would have been sooner.I have had tremendous foresight on everything else in my life and although I know I'm better off and dodged a bullet and know for a fact she is feeding him the same lines I fell for... what is happening to me? Any insight story telling would be greatly appreciated

[enlighten me]

Whats happening is that you are getting over an addiction. Like a recovered alcoholic who still craves having a drink we still crave the pwBPD. We know its not good for us but we still crave it.

Theres a lot more to it but thats the long and the short of it.

There have been articles that I have read that show how the brain activity of someone who has had a break up ia similar to that of a drug addict going cold turkey.

When in the relationship we have a lot of chemicals released. Serotonin, oxytocin and vassopressin. These make us feel good and form a strong bond with our partner. When we split up we go into withdrawal and crave the feelings we lost. This is why we put up with so much as when we did get a little attention we got our chemical high.

[emancipated]

Thank you for your response enlighten me. I have never been addicted to anything in my life except for working out. No chemical, drug, alcohol so all of this is foreign to me. I can't relate my stories to recovering addicts because i had never been one before... .until now. I know i carry a lot of the tendencies for falling for these people. Im sure i don't have to tell you that high feeling of being loved and accepted for exactly who u are when u didn't  exactly love yourself. I wanted to die for a long time seeing her with him absolutely took a part of me that i am quite sure is not going to return. I don't know why i fear her contacting me i have a feeling it will happen at some point and with valentines and my birthday a week from now. Its nice that someone can also recognize the difference I'm no longer that pathetic shell of a man anymore. i know i am lucky, luckier than i deserve to be.when you have time id love to hear more of the long and short of ur opinion. thank u again for ur response and pray for continued strength should the demon return

[enlighten me]

The closest I can relate to is when I gave up smoking. I constantly thought of having a cigarette. My routine involved smoking so when I cut it out my routine was different and it didnt feel right. The longer I had given up the less craving I had. I knew it was bad for me but still wanted it. Even aftet I was smoke free for sometime I still occassionally wanted that hit again. With my BPD break ups it was ten times worse.

You said you wanted to die. How many times have you seen this behaviour on tv with drug addicts going cold turkey? The film the French connection has a section where the police officer was injected with heroine and went cold turkey which sprang to mind with my behaviour.

By realising I was addicted it helped me with my recovery. Like an alcoholic realising he has a drinking problem you cant fix yourself if you dont realise there is something wrong.

[mitchell16]

i went through this for a long time and in some ways I still do even though its been awhile. what helped me was relizing that if I went back I would haveto go through the pain all over again in 6 to 8 weeks. Ive study the patterns of our 3 year relationship and that was the pattern break up, stay apart for about 3 or 4 weeks, recycle, honeymoon for 6 to 8 weeks and then break up again.  her running wild, living the life, having fun for 3 weeks, me, suffering, missing her, ruined plans etc... .so this time I quit her cold and swore to myself I would never go back or even talk to her again. so far Ive stayed true to myself and Its been so much better this time. I had to go through the withdrawls but they was over with whole lot quicker.

[myself]

If you loved someone and then circumstances out of your control cause the relationship to fall apart, there's grieving to go through, whether the person is disordered or not. Your facts and feelings are learning to coexist.

[Mutt]

Whats happening is that you are getting over an addiction. Like a recovered alcoholic who still craves having a drink we still crave the pwBPD. We know its not good for us but we still crave it.

Theres a lot more to it but thats the long and the short of it.

There have been articles that I have read that show how the brain activity of someone who has had a break up ia similar to that of a drug addict going cold turkey.

When in the relationship we have a lot of chemicals released. Serotonin, oxytocin and vassopressin. These make us feel good and form a strong bond with our partner. When we split up we go into withdrawal and crave the feelings we lost. This is why we put up with so much as when we did get a little attention we got our chemical high.

Yes.

According to Rutgers University anthropologist Helen Fisher, everyone biologically reacts to rejection in a way similar to  that of a drug user going through withdrawal. In the early days and weeks after a serious breakup, there are changes in the ventral tegmental area of the midbrain, which controls motivation and reward and is known to be involved in romantic love; the nucleus accumbens and the orbitofrontal/prefrontal cortex, part of the dopamine reward system and associated with craving and addiction; and the insular cortex and anterior cingulate, associated with physical pain and distress.

Early life development can have an effect. People with caregivers that gave a sense of presence; garnered trust. Partners are more likely to the emotions and changes. Whereas people and caretakers with inconsistencies; partners are more likely to blame themselves and tend to hang on.

Helpful tips

• Acceptance that the relationship is over



• Trying not to beg, have our partners reconsider, attempts at trying to win back or hope to reconnect



• Stop communicating



• Getting rid of reminders like letters, gifts and cards

Not demonizing or plotting revenge is a waste of time and slows our healing process.

This will help with moving on.

The Biology of Breaking Up

[Jack2727]

It's gonna take time but someday the pain will be replaced with something else. That's at least what I have been telling myself. Hang in there!

[emancipated]

Thank u all... it's been tough and it has certainly changed my opinion of addiction I guess I didn't have a respect for it before. And truthfully my life has changed for the better...

Have any of u noticed that life just didn't work out when u were with ur BPD partner... it seemed like nothing I tried... job wise health wise wanted to work out almost as it god or the universe made it so it didn't work

[HappyNihilist]

emancipated, I'm sorry you're having a rough time.   I know it's painful to be stuck in ruminations and missing your ex.

You've done a lot of work and healing, and come far. This is a process, and it takes time.

Whats happening is that you are getting over an addiction.

Early life development can have an effect. People with caregivers that gave a sense of presence; garnered trust. Partners are more likely to the emotions and changes. Whereas people and caretakers with inconsistencies; partners are more likely to blame themselves and tend to hang on.

Yes. This is why you can find yourself addicted to a person/relationship when you're not prone to addiction in other areas.  These loaded, disordered relationships activate deep parts of ourselves, that retain all of our conditioning on how to relate in intimate relationships.

If you loved someone and then circumstances out of your control cause the relationship to fall apart, there's grieving to go through, whether the person is disordered or not. Your facts and feelings are learning to coexist.

Exactly.

I'm sorry for your grief.   It does get better. Look at how far you've already come.  

[emancipated]

I guess what I have been measuring myself against is her and her ability to move on. The first couple times I was intimate with someone else I felt guilty like I did something wrong and she just rolled right into him and the fact I was begging and pleading and buying her lines about how she couldn't trust me and what not and she's talking to him about all the same stuff. It's funny I would have given anything for the day she comes back and now although actually being able to recognize on the spot the behavior and not through a rose colored lenses.I almost wish that if its gonna happen it would just get over with because now she could have a kid with this guy And although it may sting I know I'm better off. Its amazing the world these people construct when they are trying to reel someone in... .If only they knew they didn't have to

Certainly not with me and def not with old man river

[enlighten me]

This is something that I realised a while back. They dont just roll into another relationship even though it appears that they do. They devalue us long before we are aware the relationship is over. In their eyes its over and they look for your replacement. When it finally gets to the point of splitting up we are normally non the wiser. They move on and we are left abandoned.

If you think back to when the mask started to slip that is the point where they probably thought it was over.