Facing Assault Charge, Due In Court Next Month

[Suffered]

Just weeks ago I got into big trouble. It was a busy day as usual(my wife always rush kids to different program,swimming dancing skating skiing gymnastics, she just can't stay at home,never read with kids) and that day went for kids bible study program. On the way back to home she start yelling at my 7 and 4 years old daughter because they argue with each other. Got to home I ask my daughter if they want to eat something(I know they need,they didn't have dinner,just ate couple dumpling on the way out), my kids said yes, then my wife yell at me and kids say can't eat before bedtime. Kids scared,I calmly remind her they don't have formal dinner.but she keep yelling. Then her mom came down try to persuade her,she then yell at her mom as well.raging for a while she took out some vegetable and say only allow to have vegetables. My friends came to send us tickets for Chinese spring festival, while my wife talk to our friends my 7y old D ran over to me and cry. I feel so sorry for her. After our friends gone, we sent two young kids up, then my wife talk to me about applying  a music program for my 7y D. She asked me to fill the form and try to schedule interview the next day.I said we can send out application form tomorrow but interview may not be able to schedule in same day. Just because of this statement she start raging again,call me lier,then start history... .I already get uesd to this, try to keep calm and start wash and brush teeth.she keep yelling,non stop,it was over 9pm, I need to get up early morning 5:30am for work.If it was in day time I usually would go out to let her cool down, but it was late and very cold outside(we live in canada)so I remind myself stay calm.I almost finish brushing teeth, she still yelling in front of bathroom and getting more malicious and poisonous. At one point I couldn't hold myself anymore,i felt a force erupted from my deep heart, I turn around insane and pushed her away,she fall on the floor then got up and pick up a broom fight back. My 19y daughter ran over to stop her, my wife shout to call police, in that moment I felt so angry, I was a victim in such abusive relationship and  suffered all different kinds of emotional abuse (yell and curse me in front of my kids countless times, humiliated me infront of our friends, spread imaginary bad story of me and my parents... .). I swore everything is over, ok let me call police over. My in law mother came down try to comfort me said she understood my feeling. Couple minutes later,Police came ,I already cool down a bit.I tell them the truth there was physical conflict, I pushed her.police ask me if samething happened before, at that moment I thought if I tell them I called police three years ago for that scary reason it would be very bad to my wife so I said no(late I think police must already know the call record. They may think I didn't tell them must be i want to hide something not good to myself ).they arrest me. I was released in that night but there is no contact restriction.now I am writing this in a rental apartment room.I am facing assault charge. I need to show up in court on Mar 11th. 

Since last time I called police, my wife never say that scary words again.Although it is very bad to me this time, I still wish she can learn something from this event. But I am so sad to hear from my mother in law that my wife still treat with our two young daughters very bad, she still can't control her emotion, yell at kids, still put them into garage. My in law begged  her don't put them in garage because it's so cold,if you really want to do so just put them in bathroom. My God, what should I do now?

[NorthernGirl]

Hello Suffered. I've just read your last post and realize you are in a tough spot. Sorry you have found yourself in this position and that it has taken a few days to notice this post.

Have you got a lawyer? What are your next steps?

You can read and post on the Legal board Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody to get some help.

Please let us know how you are doing!

[Suffered]

I have two young daughts 7 and 4. It will be really bad for them if we breakup.here are some questions:

1.i wish this event to be a wake up call to my wife.but I don't know if it will happen or not. Do you know anyone in this group has his or her partner as a BPD willing to seeking treatment after such event.

2.my wife has couple period of professional and non professional consultation. She was willing to change before. Will this history help for court resolution? I know these history won't justify my angery and pushing, but she provoked this accident at least.

3.my wife's abusive behavior towards other family member including my three daughters and her own mother will be a factor considered by judged?

4.i am in dilemma situation.my old daughter tell me my wife want to reconcile. If I bring up her mental health issue before court, it will for sure trigger her and make reconciliation impossible. But if I don't mention, then I most likely will be convicted.

Please help!

[lbjnltx]

Hello suffered,

So sorry that you are in the middle of this situation.  While I'm not able to give you legal advice I can only offer you my best guess and opinion.

Many people who find themselves in unstable marriages stay to help protect the children.  I think you already understand this.  

I don't believe that informing a judge that your wife has mental health issues will have an affect on the outcome of your hearing.  Introducing hearsay (that your wife has been abusive to other family members) will most likely have no affect on the outcome of your hearing either.

Have you asked what the consequences are if you are convicted?  You mention another incident and I am unclear as to who was the perpetrator in your post.  Would this be the second time you were brought up on charges or the first?

I wouldn't think the consequences for a first offense would be too steep... .though I don't live in Canada so I'm not sure on your court system.

lbj

[enlighten me]

What are you more scared of? Not reconcilling or going to prison and leaving your wife with free reign over the kids.

I would bring up her mental health. Your children will bear witness to the long term abuse you have been victim of.

The court if they take your side may order her to seek treatment.

Even if you reconciled the chances are this will happen again in the future and she may be in an even stronger position to ruin you.

You are facing prison, losing your job and more importantly losing your children.

[Skip]

1.i wish this event to be a wake up call to my wife. Will it be a wakeup call to either of you is hard to say - start with you  

2.she provoked this accident at least. Unless she or someone testifies, this is not a factor

3.my wife's abusive behavior towards other family member including my three daughters and her own mother will be a factor considered by judged?  Unless she or someone testifies, this is not a factor

4. my wife want to reconcile. If I bring up her mental health issue before court, it will for sure trigger her and make reconciliation impossible. But if I don't mention, then I most likely will be convicted.   If she truly wants to reconcile she will likely try to defend you... .and that may help... .and it may not need to go much further than she started it.  This is a gray area as spousal recanting is always suspicious - you need a lawyer in your jurisdiction to know how prior cases have been influenced.

The "she made me do it" or "I had good reason" defense may make this worse... .you are the one before the magistrate and to a magistrate the matter at hand is that you assaulted women. Family violence actions have a lot to do with politics... .its a bit of a machine. This is a second offense.

My understanding is that 60-70% of these matters do not result in prison time in Canada - more likely conditional sentencing and fines.

It's really important to get an attorney involved.  It may make sense to enroll in anger management classes.  It's important to be remorseful for what you did.

All this aside, here we understand that there was a lot of provocation.  It sounds like your wife is in a very bad mental state and treating her family very badly.  My suggestion is to continue to work on the members on this board with how to navigate th court and work with members on the Staying Board with how to restore some sanity to the home. 

Its going to take time and patience to lead your family out of this mess and you will need to reassess whether your wife is engaging in the process.  She may not at first and you have know when you've done all you can an its time to go.

[livednlearned]

Hi Suffered,

You have a mother-in-law who is supportive, your kids love you, and your wife does not seem to want you punished. It's hard to see that there are positive things when you're in the midst of something that has legal consequences, but you do. It's normal to feel afraid when something like this happens, but you have some things going in your favor and it's important to hold onto that.

No one here is a lawyer, we just have experience of our own, which can be very different depending on where people live. Have you been in touch with a lawyer where you live? Like Skip said, it's important to get an attorney involved.

It sounds like there was a prior incident where your wife was the perpetrator? You protected her in the moment when the police asked you if something like this had happened before. If so, that will be something you want to tell the lawyer.

You may not have to bring up your wife's mental condition. It's possible that your lawyer, or the court, will suggest both of you undergo some kind of evaluation if they suspect there has been physical abuse on both sides. Courts know that this will have an impact on the kids.

[Suffered]

I am really appreciate all your suggestions and comments.

When this event happen, my old daughter and my in law mother were all at home,my in law was also very upset before this happen because my wife yell at young kids didn't allow them to eat. My friends came and saw my in law was very upset. After I pushed my wife she also came down and comfort me. But I don't know if she will testify. My old daughter should hear my wife yell at me,she came up stop my wife try to fight back.

The next day my daughter met me and she said wish her mom move out. (last year my wife went back to china for three weeks.We all had very peaceful time. My 7y daughter said we should ask mom stay at china longer).but I don't know if she will testify.maybe I should ask her.

Last time I called police but my wife ran away.There is no charge laid. One thing I don't understand why police didn't give a report? Should I or my wife get a report from police?

Next week I will goto court ask duty console some question.

I booked a resolution meeting with crown on Feb 26th. But today I called abuse support line and i was told it is not a good idea to meet with crown by myself.

[livednlearned]

I booked a resolution meeting with crown on Feb 26th. But today I called abuse support line and i was told it is not a good idea to meet with crown by myself.

Great that you called an abuse support line, Suffered. Really smart move -- the courts have their own logic, and with that some politics. Lawyers will know where the booby traps are and can help you avoid them. The people you talked to on the abuse hotline will know this.

This is a good article to help give you a frame of reference for the way personality disorders and family court works (same applies to courts that deal with domestic violence). Not all people with BPD are high-conflict, but courts can inflame some of the traits and easily trigger more conflict. People's most private encounters become public topics, and then there are consequences attached -- it can be a very shaming experience, something that people with BPD struggle with already. So it's good to know what kind of approach you want to take, and the approach you want your lawyer to take. This article addresses that.

Do you think your wife will want to testify if she knows that there will be a public record of the ordeal? It may be enough that she feels victimized. It sounds like she does not want you to be subject to the consequences of calling the police. How are you communicating with her right now during this no contact order?

Like Skip mentioned, there are good tools available on the Staying board to try and de-escalate some of the tensions. There are lots of senior members there who know what you're going through and can give you some help pointing you to the tools and how to apply them.

LnL

[Suffered]

Thanks for more input.

The lady took my call on abuse support line is really supportive and gave me lots of information.

I agree I need to be very cautious about how to approach since reconcile is my best wish. Does anyone know if my wife need to present on court? how it communicate between me/crown/my wife? But if thing turns against me, then I need to stand up, so it will be very difficult to assess without any court experience.

During past couple years, I am keep loosing boundary. My wife is already get used to yell at me anytime on anything, between two of us or in front of my kids and my mother-in-law. She did same thing to other family members as well. This is the root cause of disaster, sometime it drove me to smash stuff, my old daughter also smashed stuff for twice already, also cause my old daughter screaming, and my mother-in-law could only cry, my young kids cry almost every day. When she was gone for three weeks last year, everything back to order, everyone in our family recognized this big contrast. I am seeking to put some pressure on my wife to let her realize all these mess caused by her and agree to continue treatment. But I don't know how.

[Suffered]

Like Skip mentioned, there are good tools available on the Staying board to try and de-escalate some of the tensions. There are lots of senior members there who know what you're going through and can give you some help pointing you to the tools and how to apply them.

Could you help point out where can I get access to the tools and senior members? Thanks very much.

[ogopogodude]

I am really appreciate all your suggestions and comments.

When this event happen, my old daughter and my in law mother were all at home,my in law was also very upset before this happen because my wife yell at young kids didn't allow them to eat. My friends came and saw my in law was very upset. After I pushed my wife she also came down and comfort me. But I don't know if she will testify. My old daughter should hear my wife yell at me,she came up stop my wife try to fight back.

The next day my daughter met me and she said wish her mom move out. (last year my wife went back to china for three weeks.We all had very peaceful time. My 7y daughter said we should ask mom stay at china longer).but I don't know if she will testify.maybe I should ask her.

Last time I called police but my wife ran away.There is no charge laid. One thing I don't understand why police didn't give a report? Should I or my wife get a report from police?

Next week I will goto court ask duty console some question.

I booked a resolution meeting with crown on Feb 26th. But today I called abuse support line and i was told it is not a good idea to meet with crown by myself.

In Canada, it is very hard for a citizen to get the police report. It sounds like you are in Eastern Canada (judging from how you said it is bitterly cold there right now and there is a crazy weather pattern currently happening). I live in Western Canada.  I tried obtaining the several police reports when there were visits to our house by the RCMP (when my raging ex-wife would spontaneously dial 911 for no reason at all but to get a response out of me).  The police department would NOT give them to me as a matter of privacy. Yes, ... .you are probably as bewildered as me on this one... .and you heard me right: for the sake of privacy of the parties involved, it is not policy to release the police reports unless court ordered. Hmmm ... .only in Canada.

[ogopogodude]

Suffered, ... .you made a mistake. Never, never, NEVER push or shove or do anything physical to your spouse.  It is just not worth it. Use your intellect.

I myself, would curl up into a ball or into a fetal position either on the floor or in the bed and repeatedly ask to be left alone.

I never pushed my wife nor did anything physical.  Instead, ... .I bought video equipment and taped my wife's episodic rages and temper tantrums. I had to PROVE that it was ME and the children that were the victims. And prove it, I did.  My crown jewel evidence was my wife beating my son that I have on video tape as well as my wife verbally abusing my daughter when I wasn't even home at the time (my daughter actually audio-taped her raging mom).

In other words, ... .document , document and DOCUMENT.

[livednlearned]

Like Skip mentioned, there are good tools available on the Staying board to try and de-escalate some of the tensions. There are lots of senior members there who know what you're going through and can give you some help pointing you to the tools and how to apply them.

Could you help point out where can I get access to the tools and senior members? Thanks very much.

Oops sorry about that! The Lessons are here. And the board for people who are actively in relationships is here.

[ForeverDad]

Although it is very bad to me this time, I still wish she can learn something from this event. But I am so sad to hear from my mother in law that my wife still treat with our two young daughters very bad, she still can't control her emotion, yell at kids, still put them into garage. My in law begged  her don't put them in garage because it's so cold,if you really want to do so just put them in bathroom. My God, what should I do now?

I am seeking to put some pressure on my wife to let her realize all these mess caused by her and agree to continue treatment. But I don't know how.

Sadly, you can't.  She's not listening to you nor is she listening to anyone else.  And she isn't changing for the better even with the police intervention.  She sounds like someone who is out of control.  And physically "restraining" her, either by you or someone else, is not the solution.  However, your daughter can step in and not be charged.  Even the in-laws and step in and not be charged.  Sadly, you are the husband and it is easy for husbands to be charged for the least little action, even "pushing her away".

Do try to get legal advice how to phrase your actions as Defensive rather than Offensive.  Pushing is still to be avoided, but be careful not to 'convict yourself by your own words'.  Also, if others can step forward and tell what was really happening, how aggressive she was and how aggressive she typically is, it may get dismissed.

4.i am in dilemma situation.my old daughter tell me my wife want to reconcile. If I bring up her mental health issue before court, it will for sure trigger her and make reconciliation impossible. But if I don't mention, then I most likely will be convicted.

Reconciliation will work only if the conflict stops.  Honestly, ask yourself, despite all your efforts and all the efforts of the rest of the family, she hasn't improved, correct?  Accept that she may never change.

Sadly, too, now is the time to stop hiding her poor and even abusive behaviors, hiding what she says and does Enables her to continue abusing.  Hiding the facts is self-sabotaging behavior, you were honest about your actions, so why not be honest and mention her actions?  Now, or perhaps after this case is resolved, is the time to protect yourself and your children too, even if it means revealing the whole truth.

Right now this case is what counts most.  Before you can address the long-term issues, you have to deal with this short-term issue.  Yes, use the skills taught on the Staying board.  You can even decide to "Stay for now" until this is over.  Once this is past then you can decide how to decide on a long-term solution.  Since she won't change her behaviors, it will be up to You to change Your boundaries and possibly even end the marriage since it is so dangerous for you to be anywhere near her.

[ogopogodude]

... .reconciliation will only work if the conflict stops... .

Another gem of a phrase gotten from above (ForeverDad).

[Suffered]

However, your daughter can step in and not be charged.  Even the in-laws and step in and not be charged.  Sadly, you are the husband and it is easy for husbands to be charged for the least little action, even "pushing her away".

Also, if others can step forward and tell what was really happening, how aggressive she was and how aggressive she typically is, it may get dismissed.

I talked to my old daughter yesterday, she is willing to testify but she is also afaid of her mom, so don't know if that will help. Does she has to testify on court, or can she just talk to lawyer. I still have not decided if I should have lawyer. It is very expensive.

[livednlearned]

I talked to my old daughter yesterday, she is willing to testify but she is also afaid of her mom, so don't know if that will help. Does she has to testify on court, or can she just talk to lawyer. I still have not decided if I should have lawyer. It is very expensive.

You can call to consult with a lawyer, and won't have to give them a retainer. Call and talk for an hour with a lawyer who specializes in DV charges, ideally someone who has defended men who have been domestically abused -- it might cost you several hundred dollars. Gather information so you know the ramifications of your choices, and ask them things like whether your D will have to testify.

One thing to keep in mind is that staying or leaving are both reasonable options for right now. As FD said, staying for now does not mean staying forever. In general, it's better to leave a marriage when you have had time to plan and prepare. Using this opportunity, which has you on your back foot, could create more problems later on. You may end up with a permanent record that affects your employment (a question for your lawyer).

I'm not a lawyer so take this with a grain of salt. But it seems like a gamble to try and turn this episode into something positive for you and the kids. Right now, it's probably better to focus on minimizing the impact of this on you. It's very hard to do what's best for the kids when you are on the defensive. If your wife is at all amenable to reconciliation, and is willing to dismiss the charges, that seems like a far more important short-term goal to focus on than figuring out whether you can get your family to a good place using what is essentially a domestic violence charge.

At the very least, talk to a lawyer. It can be a bit of a shark tank to try and do this without someone trained in the law. You stand the risk of being flattened by a system that, in general, does not recognize men can be victims of abuse. If there was ever a time you wanted a lawyer, this is it.

If you haven't read this thread about men and DV already, take a look now. You're not alone dealing with this.

[Suffered]

Need opinion?

I am struggling if I should report my wife's abusive behavior towards  my young kids to child aid society.

My concern are

1.CAS may take away kids from home. And I am facing charge,can only see kids through third party. So I won't Be able to take kids to my place.

2.CAS may think I put in false report due to my current situation.

3. When CAS investigate, my wife may suspect I make the report, this may make reconciliation more difficult.

But not report is not good for kids either. My in law told me my wife still couldn't control her emotion, yell at kids,put the youngest to garage as punishment. She asked me if it is  possible to find a friend family look after the kids during this difficult time. Today I  heard from old daughter that my youngest 4y sick again, fever,maybe chicken pox.the two young kids already missed one week of school due to sick one week ago.

I wish I can go back ASAP. I  put in bail condition change request last Thursday and book a meeting with crown for this matter next week.but duty console said it is almost impossible to get the bail condition changed at this point.

I am thinking,if I report I will go in person,and disclose my identity and my current situation.

Please give some suggestion.

[lbjnltx]

Dear Suffered... .

Please get a lawyer who can answer all your questions from experience and knowledge of your local legal system.

lbj

[livednlearned]

Dear Suffered... .

Please get a lawyer who can answer all your questions from experience and knowledge of your local legal system.

lbj

I agree, Suffered. No one here is a lawyer, and we can't offer legal advice. Most of us are in a different country than yours, and even if we were, things are different depending on what province you are in.

Lawyers are expensive, but you need one. There is more to these issues than just thinking through what's best -- you need to know how the logic of the legal system works with these cases, and only a lawyer can provide that.

Prior to leaving my ex, I had a whole plan in my mind about what I was going to do. That changed completely when I talked to a lawyer and find out all kinds of things that had never occurred to me.

You are probably spinning right now in your mind, trying to figure out how to manage this. You're probably very capable and competent in your job, and good at what you do, a strong person and can solve problems. This matter, however, is not the same as solving problems at work. It's part of the legal system now,  and you need a lawyer to help you understand the booby traps. 

[maxen]

hi suffered. i'm very sorry for your situation and i join everyone else in encouraging you to speak to a lawyer.

Prior to leaving my ex, I had a whole plan in my mind about what I was going to do. That changed completely when I talked to a lawyer and find out all kinds of things that had never occurred to me.

in my case also (a divorce), my lawyer both pointed out things that i had made completely wrong assumptions about, and things which i had thought would be material but were completely immaterial. it turned out i had no idea what would be of interest to a court. please have a consultation and go in prepped - make it worthwhile.

[ogopogodude]

I talked to my old daughter yesterday, she is willing to testify but she is also afaid of her mom, so don't know if that will help. Does she has to testify on court, or can she just talk to lawyer. I still have not decided if I should have lawyer. It is very expensive.

You can call to consult with a lawyer, and won't have to give them a retainer. Call and talk for an hour with a lawyer who specializes in DV charges, ideally someone who has defended men who have been domestically abused -- it might cost you several hundred dollars. Gather information so you know the ramifications of your choices, and ask them things like whether your D will have to testify.

One thing to keep in mind is that staying or leaving are both reasonable options for right now. As FD said, staying for now does not mean staying forever. In general, it's better to leave a marriage when you have had time to plan and prepare. Using this opportunity, which has you on your back foot, could create more problems later on. You may end up with a permanent record that affects your employment (a question for your lawyer).

I'm not a lawyer so take this with a grain of salt. But it seems like a gamble to try and turn this episode into something positive for you and the kids. Right now, it's probably better to focus on minimizing the impact of this on you. It's very hard to do what's best for the kids when you are on the defensive. If your wife is at all amenable to reconciliation, and is willing to dismiss the charges, that seems like a far more important short-term goal to focus on than figuring out whether you can get your family to a good place using what is essentially a domestic violence charge.

At the very least, talk to a lawyer. It can be a bit of a shark tank to try and do this without someone trained in the law. You stand the risk of being flattened by a system that, in general, does not recognize men can be victims of abuse. If there was ever a time you wanted a lawyer, this is it.

If you haven't read this thread about men and DV already, take a look now. You're not alone dealing with this.

Agreed, ... legal advice is expensive.  Your  daughter is willing to testify (that her mother is the aggressor in the relationship). That is good.  But kids change their mind on a whim. Don't count on your daughter following thru, especially when she is afraid of he own mom.

A better way to get things done (in my humble opinion) and which worked very well for me (but may not work for you or others, ... is to go to The Ministry of Children and Family Development and "open a file".  I did this.  In Canada, the Ministry will not do anything at all, unless you really egg them on. It is not that they are lazy, (well, that's part of it), but it is that if the children are physically safe then they do not intervene.  Emotional abuse is harder to prove and for SS to act upon.

It took me about seven visits to Social Services until they realized that mom was the abuser of the kids.  Yelling and screaming and telling the kids they are losers etc, is emotional abuse.  Social services agents do not tolerate this... .But I had to prove the abuse was occurring.  I had to give the social worker (who was well versed in BPD afflicted persons and their behaviour) the "A-ok" to interview my children and for them to tell the truth to this social worker.  And tell the truth they did.  There was no coercion of me telling the kids what to say. All I instructed them was for them to tell the truth, and that mom will not get into trouble, but that they will tell her that her behaviour is not acceptable to raising children. This is the only thing I said to my kids.

I asked my lawyer to write the social services agent a letter indicating that we need an official report from The Ministry from the interactions that I had as well as the agent had with my kids.  This letter was used in court and my ex looked like the very devil himself.  The social worker wrote up this wonderful report of what I call "the actual truth" ... .not the "tainted BPD nutball truth" version that my wife gave. The report talked quite extensively about the agent interviewing  me (and that it was voluntary on my behalf) , me and my wife together (with my wife being very aggressive in the interview), each child separately.  (Even though my wife refused to have the kids interviewed, her wishes didn't matter, as one parent gave permission for the agent to talk to the kids).

There is nothing like having social services on the side of the truth. It is certainly in the best interest of the children.  Any child needs to grow and thrive in a peaceful environment. AT ALL TIMES.

[ogopogodude]

Oh, ... by the way, ... .going to social services costs you nothing.

Unlike lawyers.

[ogopogodude]

Suffered,... you may want to ignore my advice,... .I am Canadian and I thought you were as well. I'm confusing you with another forum member.  Social Services agents are quite friendly and good to work with here in Canada. This has been my experience.

In the USA, ... .I am not sure about SS agencies. 

[lbjnltx]

Suffered,... you may want to ignore my advice,... .I am Canadian and I thought you were as well. I'm confusing you with another forum member.  Social Services agents are quite friendly and good to work with here in Canada. This has been my experience.

In the USA, ... .I am not sure about SS agencies. 

Suffered does state in his initial post that he lives in Canada... your advice is relevant.

[Matt]

Suffered,

I'm sorry for all you are going through, and I know how hard it is, because I went through something very similar.

My wife attacked me twice.  The first time she threw an iron at me and didn't hit me but the iron broke.  I did nothing - big mistake!

The second time she attacked me with my guitar.  Again, she didn't hurt me, but she was so crazy I decided I had to remove her from the house, so I took her outside and locked the doors, and then took care of the kids.  She called the police and told them I "threw her down the stairs".  If they had believed her they could have charged me with attempted murder!  They figured out she was lying, but in my state they still had to arrest me and charge me with assault.

I was in jail 1 night and the first thing I did when I got out was call a criminal defense lawyer.  It's so important I'm going to say it again:  a criminal defense lawyer.  That was the best decision I ever made!

I'm going to say some more things on another post, but what I want to say loudest - like others here - is that you must hire a criminal defense lawyer right now!  It cost me $5,000 US - maybe you can find one cheaper.  Don't use a public defender (provided by the government) - they are too busy to do a good job.  (At least that's what I found out where I live.)

If you are convicted, or if you take a "plea agreement", you will pay much more - in dollars and in much bigger ways.

Your kids need you to be there for them.  You can't do that if you have a criminal record.

There will be pressure to take a plea agreement, and they will tell you that if you do that the penalty will be small - maybe no jail, a small fine, and taking some "anger management" class or some other small penalty.

But if you take the plea agreement, you are admitting that you broke the law, and you can never take that back.  Only do that if you have a very good lawyer and he tells you that is the only option - otherwise you will be convicted.

But the first and most important thing is:  You must get a good criminal defense attorney right away - on Monday!

[Matt]

Suffered,

You are getting very good help from your new friends here.  Let me offer my own ideas which I hope will help too.

1.i wish this event to be a wake up call to my wife.but I don't know if it will happen or not. Do you know anyone in this group has his or her partner as a BPD willing to seeking treatment after such event.

After my wife accused me of assault, and I got the police report, which proved she had lied, the judge dismissed the charges against me.  But I was still living separately.  We tried a marriage counselor but he couldn't help, because my wife was not willing to make any changes.  Then we tried another marriage counselor - both picked by my wife - but again my wife was not willing to make any changes, and I could not trust that she would not attack me again or make more accusations.  So I decided on divorce.

During the divorce I asked the judge to appoint a psychologist to test both of us.  The Ph.D. psychologist gave us both a test called the MMPI-2 - Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Index.  I was not diagnosed with any disorder, but my wife was diagnosed with BPD and some other stuff.  We got shared custody of the kids, and my wife was ordered by the judge - in writing - to get psychotherapy.

That was 2008.  I don't believe she has gotten psychotherapy or accepted that she has any problem.  When I talk with her family, they think it's all ridiculous - there's nothing wrong with her.  But it is a fact that she is mentally ill.

It is possible that your wife will someday decide she needs help.  Or she may never decide that.  Nothing you do will convince her though.  The only thing that might influence her is consequences - if her behavior leads to serious consequences, like if she goes to jail, then maybe she will decide she needs help.

You need to put yourself and your own safety first, because you can't help your kids if you aren't safe.  You can put your kids 2nd, and your job 3rd, because without a job you can't provide for yourself and the kids.

You can't put your wife 1st because you don't control what she does and you can't convince her to change.  That must be her own decision.

2.my wife has couple period of professional and non professional consultation. She was willing to change before. Will this history help for court resolution? I know these history won't justify my angery and pushing, but she provoked this accident at least.

Ask your criminal defense lawyer what the best defense is.

I think if you can get the judge to see the whole picture that may help.  You can't say, "I pushed her but it wasn't my fault." or "She made me do it." because that will sound like "... .and I might do it again."  But you can explain the whole picture - your wife's extreme behavior at other times at that night too.

I would especially bring out into the open your wife's choice to put the kids in the garage when it is cold out.  Someone who does that should never be alone with the kids, without another adult in charge.  If this issue - putting the kids in the garage - comes before the court, that may prevent your wife from getting control of the kids and keeping you away from them.  Do not keep this secret from your criminal defense lawyer.

3.my wife's abusive behavior towards other family member including my three daughters and her own mother will be a factor considered by judged?

Talk to your criminal defense lawyer about this.  Tell him everything.  He will tell you what defense will work best.  Take his advice, or if you don't trust his advice get another lawyer and listen to his advice.  Do not make this decision without the advice of a criminal defense lawyer who you trust.

4.i am in dilemma situation.my old daughter tell me my wife want to reconcile. If I bring up her mental health issue before court, it will for sure trigger her and make reconciliation impossible. But if I don't mention, then I most likely will be convicted.

Do not think about reconciliation right now.  Do not think about saving the marriage right now.  Do not think about your wife right now.  Think only about hiring a good criminal defense attorney and telling him everything - everything! - and listening carefully to his advice.  Focus only on the criminal charge against you and the best way to defend yourself, or if it will be best to take a plea agreement.

Do not talk to anyone about your case - not even your closest friends or family - until you talk to a criminal defense attorney and get his advice.

Above all, do not talk to the police or the crown attorney without your criminal defense attorney present.  That is a big mistake which can hurt you badly!

[Matt]

I am struggling if I should report my wife's abusive behavior towards  my young kids to child aid society.

My concern are

1.CAS may take away kids from home. And I am facing charge,can only see kids through third party. So I won't Be able to take kids to my place.

2.CAS may think I put in false report due to my current situation.

3. When CAS investigate, my wife may suspect I make the report, this may make reconciliation more difficult.

But not report is not good for kids either. My in law told me my wife still couldn't control her emotion, yell at kids,put the youngest to garage as punishment. She asked me if it is  possible to find a friend family look after the kids during this difficult time. Today I  heard from old daughter that my youngest 4y sick again, fever,maybe chicken pox.the two young kids already missed one week of school due to sick one week ago.

I wish I can go back ASAP. I  put in bail condition change request last Thursday and book a meeting with crown for this matter next week.but duty console said it is almost impossible to get the bail condition changed at this point.

I am thinking,if I report I will go in person,and disclose my identity and my current situation.

Please give some suggestion.

Suffered, these are difficult questions, and the answers may be different in one place than another.  I'm in the US, and our legal system is similar to Canada's, because they both come from England.  But the details of the system are different in all the states and provinces, so anything we can tell you about these points might be different where you live.

The only answer is to talk to a criminal defense attorney first, and maybe to a family law attorney second.

A criminal defense attorney (or "lawyer" or "solicitor" is needed to make sure your criminal case goes the best it can.  That must be #1.

A family law attorney (or maybe there's another term where you live - an attorney who helps with situations involving parents and children) is necessary to help with the issues of custody - temporary custody right now, and permanent custody later.

I will tell you very frankly that it will probably not be wise for you to be where your wife is, without another adult - not a relative! - present all the time.  If you are ever alone with your wife again, there is a high risk that she will attack you again, or make some complaint against you, and you can go back to jail, and then it will be even worse than it is now.

Someone who does things like your wife is so mentally ill that she will not get better just by trying hard or talking to a counselor.  She will need a very powerful type of therapy, and it will take a few years at least before she can control her behavior.  So any idea of reconciliation should go far to the back of your mind.  First make sure you are safe and won't go to jail.  Second take care of your kids.  Third, your job.  That is plenty to worry about!

[Matt]

Suffered,

I'm sorry for writing so much, but I remember when I was in your situation, and I hope to help you, and others too who may be reading.

In this post I want to write about another topic - not the legal part, but the emotional part - how you can manage your stress.

It is clear that you are under a lot of stress right now.  You are very worried about your legal case, and about your kids, and your wife.  Big problems which can't be fixed quickly.

Stress can hurt you in a lot of ways.  You may not sleep well, you may not eat well, and you may make bad decisions.  When I was lowest, I could hardly do anything.  I only waited til my kids got home, so I could be a good dad for a few hours til they went to bed.  Maybe I could pretend to be OK from 3:30 til 8:30... .

I want to suggest some things that helped me:

One type of support is from "peers" - others who have similar problems.  That can be your friends here.

A second type of support is from your family and close friends who know you very well.  They may not know about mental illness or legal issues, but they will listen to you and make sure you know they care.

The third type of help you need is from professionals - an attorney and a counselor.  I found a counselor and saw him once a week, then later once a month - a professional who knew how to guide me and help me think clearly.  Not because I was mentally ill but because I was under so much stress I needed help to think clearly and make good decisions.

My counselor gave me good advice, like cardiovascular exercise every day;  and sleeping the same hours every day;  and spending time on relaxing things like gardening and cooking.  He also had good insights into how I was thinking that helped me get back to a healthier, stronger outlook.

I know money is a problem but there may be a counselor provided by some agency who can help.

And please keep talking here so we can give you ideas!

Best wishes,

Matt