NC Broken - I failed

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I need to post here instead of my email. I have been almost 4 days NC. uBPDxbf emailed me this morning with "happy valentine's day. I love you"

I did great- strong all day. I've been sick, but otherwise felt good. And then something tonight made me snap. too much time alone today or something. I responded "the only person you love is yourself".   sad. true. but I broke NC. I was doing so darn good. it doesn't change anything for me. i am not and won't be with him. but i can't believe i responded. i'm crying. this sucks.

[cloudten]

I need to post here instead of my email. I have been almost 4 days NC. uBPDxbf emailed me this morning with "happy valentine's day. I love you"

I did great- strong all day. I've been sick, but otherwise felt good. And then something tonight made me snap. too much time alone today or something. I responded "the only person you love is yourself".   sad. true. but I broke NC. I was doing so darn good. it doesn't change anything for me. i am not and won't be with him. but i can't believe i responded. i'm crying. this sucks.

[raisins3142]

Don't be too hard on yourself.  I just broke NC by looking over her pinterest memes.  I feel worse for it.

[downwhim]

It is Valentines Day and a big trigger for all of us. Sorry, but you told the truth. He is a J... .k and he did not deserve a phony I love you back like nothing has happened. Wish we would all quit excusing their terribly rude behavior on BPD all the time.

Each one of us on this board trying hard to improve ourselves deserves to be loved the right way. NO ABUSE, NO LYING, NO PAIN. It is so pathetic that we (though not perfect) have to endure so much to just try and keep our sanity around these exs.

[cloudten]

what is it about this person that makes me do this? A year ago when I was single just like today, I dated probably about 20 different guys... .i never ever ever had a problem saying "see ya"... .and never had a problem if they said the same to me. What is it about this person? Is it because I tried so hard? Is it because I was actually completely in love with him?  I got separated and divorced from a non and it wasn't nearly this tough! Of course I still have to talk to him because of our daughter... .but going NC with my non exhus would be easy if i had to do it.

Why is this so hard?

[raisins3142]

The reasons it is hard are different for all of us.  A common theme though is that the idealization and mirroring got us hooked and we believed in the fantasy of that.  Also, the fact that they do not understand the relationship and their behavior as we do can be maddening. It has kept me angry.

[jhkbuzz]

I need to post here instead of my email. I have been almost 4 days NC. uBPDxbf emailed me this morning with "happy valentine's day. I love you"

I did great- strong all day. I've been sick, but otherwise felt good. And then something tonight made me snap. too much time alone today or something. I responded "the only person you love is yourself".   sad. true. but I broke NC. I was doing so darn good. it doesn't change anything for me. i am not and won't be with him. but i can't believe i responded. i'm crying. this sucks.

Look at it this way:  even by breaking n/c you STILL firmly closed the door ("The only person you love is yourself".

It doesn't suck.  It reflects your strength.  You're not willing to "take back" someone who doesn't love you in an actionable way, who doesn't meet your needs, who doesn't love anyone but himself.

Be proud.  You're strong and moving forward.

[myself]

You could see it as you didn't 'fail', you spoke your truth. In a situation where you probably haven't felt like you've been being heard. Do you need to continue saying it to someone who most likely isn't going to really hear it? No. But continue saying it to yourself, as it will help you move on from this the more honest with yourself you are. NC also means New Chances.

[cloudten]

You could see it as you didn't 'fail', you spoke your truth. In a situation where you probably haven't felt like you've been being heard. Do you need to continue saying it to someone who most likely isn't going to really hear it? No. But continue saying it to yourself, as it will help you move on from this the more honest with yourself you are. NC also means New Chances.

True- I did speak truth. I won't keep saying it, and I certainly did maintain my lane. I am not going back to him.

New Chances. I like that!

[oletimefeelin]

You should only be mad that you told a lie.  You and I both know this turkey hates himself most of all.

Like the children that they are, these cluster B types are looking for a reaction one way or the other.  The way to get them is to be indifferent or give them no reaction whatsoever.  

[cloudten]

You should only be mad that you told a lie.  You and I both know this turkey hates himself most of all.

Like the children that they are, these cluster B types are looking for a reaction one way or the other.  The way to get them is to be indifferent or give them no reaction whatsoever.  

Hahaha... .yes he does hate himself.

Yeah, I suppose I am upset because I knew NC was driving him crazy and that's why he actually emailed me this morning- not because its valentines day and he loves me... .that was just an excuse. So, I am disappointed in my own weakness because I gave into his attention seeking/reaction wanting email. I have been very steadfast, so I am disappointed I broke it... .and now I know he'll hang onto it for a few days and contact me again. So I am disappointed I gave him almost exactly what he wanted-- a response. BUT I didn't say I love him... .and I didn't say I miss him. and I didn't give him anything to feel good about other than that I am still alive and responded. Small victory in a more major failure.

[apollotech]

Cloudten,

It's okay if you broke NC. You will fight another day. My BPDexgf sent me the same type of message in a text. I resisted responding. Part of my determination is in "I don't care anymore." I reached that point after I ACCEPTED that the relationship had failed and was destined to fail before it even began. I don't think that it's so much about the person that keeps us tied to these knowingly doomed relationships as much as it is our erroneously placed hope that things will be different/better the next go around. The Crazy Coaster ride never changes... .accept that, let the hope go, and move forward with your life.

[Loosestrife]

I broke NC yesterday after only a few days. Let's start again today and keep checking in :-)

[Ripped Heart]

Cloudten  

Its easy to see breaking NC as a failure but in truth you haven't failed. NC is not a hard and fast rule, there is no exam involved and most important of all, the reason for NC is for us to protect our own feelings and for us to heal.

Given the latter, part of that healing can be to speak up when something upsets or triggers us. If it was any other relationship wouldn't you want to let the other person know you were angry and upset and get a measured response back. One of the reasons many people go NC after a r/s with pwBPD is because the response we do get back is triggering towards us and certainly isn't the response we would like to hear. That's all there is to it.

Could it be that your pain right now isn't necessarily at the fact you broke NC but because the response that came back isn't the response you wanted or needed to hear. I know I've felt that when I've caved to suicide threats and all I've wanted to hear is "I have a problem and I need help" rather than "I've bought a new bikini for my vacation".

Despite the fact you responded, it was a victory and not a failure. Yes, he got a reaction from you after sending a triggering message but what you did was turned that around and handed back his emotional baggage. He may very well see getting a response as a small gain but I'm pretty certain that not being able to offload that baggage will have more of an effect on him  

[zeus123]

Cloudten. The reason why you can't get him out of your head and forget him because of the dangerous hook with borderline,is they initially came across as genuine,and completely without pretense guile or disguise.this help you drop your guard,and makes it easy to trust that their statements to you are real--and they're authentic,integrous individuals. the ease you have felt with him is so natural and wholesome, it seems you're waited for this your whole life !these early behaviors are central to their seduction plan; as soon as they sense that you're captivated,you're captured--and those episodes of delicious intimacy become fewer and farther between.

The minute you make contact with him after the break up you're giving away your power! no matter what you say to him,these dialogues will leave you feeling worse, not better.don't reply to any emails or text messages,and do not respond to his "emergencies!". it won't win him back,or make him think highly of you, besides,the crisis will blow over very shortly; by the time you get back to him,he's onto something else.it's best if you don't hear his voice or read what he sends.doing so, only prolongs your pain. DELETE,DELETE,DELETE.

[cloudten]

its not about me... .its all about him.

i am really trying not to wish him ill... .really. I am not that type of person. But my hair has started falling out again... .and all those ptsd symptoms I suffered from all summer and fall with our weird triangular recycle have returned. Even though I feel like a very different person this time, I can't believe my body is reacting the same way again. It makes me hate him and what he has done to me. Why is my physiology so attached to him? I don't feel the same in this breakup. I feel that this is exactly what I should be doing. I know this is the right thing and my heart agrees. I was just really hoping I would avoid the physical effects this time.

I am completely determined to delete my entire facebook profile today. it might take all day to work myself up to do it, but I do need to clean house.  As for the email, I have it filtered to go to trash without me even knowing. I have deleted all of his pictures from my phone. I have not blocked him with the cell phone, but I think he already believes he is blocked. He hasn't been bothering me there.

I know that part of what I am going thru right now is grief. I am grieving the loss of the relationship. The loss of the hopes and dreams I had of a simple life with him although I know it never would have been simple. It always would have been drama. I went thru grief with the divorce too, so I know its normal. I think I'll need to write that goodbye letter to him that I never send sometime soon. There is a lot I want to yell at him for--- especially my hair falling out now. I am not a vain person, but with my sister's wedding in 30 days, I am upset that i'll have bald spots in photographs. Now i'll forever be memorialized in her wedding photos with no hair because of this jacka$$.