BPD Boyfriend

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All,

My boyfriend and I were college sweethearts 20 years ago. He lives in Miami, and I'm in LA. We reconnected last June as he was being hospitalized (4 days) diagnosed and medicated. He was in a BPD group and private DBT therapy until his insurance ran out. We have both spent the past 9 months learning. We've read many books, and he seems to be stable much more often. We talk and text constantly and I visit him once per month. This weekend before I arrived, he broke up with me saying he realizes he's in love with his ex. I don't know what is BPD or if he has really fallen out of love with me. Obviously, it's hurtful but how much of this am I just taking too personally? Is this an episode or an epiphany? When he feels shame or gets depressed he sleeps. He is not responding. I'm worried about his state of mind and trying to figure out if we have any options for a future together. I love this man, and I'm committed to his treatment. I may be just too far away to help him. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Celina412]

Hi All,

My boyfriend and I were college sweethearts 20 years ago. He lives in Miami, and I'm in LA. We reconnected last June as he was being hospitalized (4 days) diagnosed and medicated. He was in a BPD group and private DBT therapy until his insurance ran out. We have both spent the past 9 months learning. We've read many books, and he seems to be stable much more often. We talk and text constantly and I visit him once per month. This weekend before I arrived, he broke up with me saying he realizes he's in love with his ex. I don't know what is BPD or if he has really fallen out of love with me. Obviously, it's hurtful but how much of this am I just taking too personally? Is this an episode or an epiphany? When he feels shame or gets depressed he sleeps. He is not responding. I'm worried about his state of mind and trying to figure out if we have any options for a future together. I love this man, and I'm committed to his treatment. I may be just too far away to help him. Any advice would be appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Celina412, 

Welcome aboard. I am sorry that you are going through this. I understand how painful it is to invest a lot of time learning about the disorder and your relationship and then the unexpected happens. 

Long distance relationships are really hard. They are especially hard when you are in one with a person with BPD (pwBPD).   

I really cannot answer whether it is an episode or an epiphany.  As you know, pwBPD's emotions/feelings vacillate quite often. What they might be feeling  one moment, they can contradict themselves the next moment.  Maybe you can tell us more so we can help you figure it out?

I understand how you could feel about taking it personally. Regardless of whether we are knowledgeable about the disorder, we still have feelings too.    It is understandable that you would feel personal about this.

I am in a long distance relationship with my bf.  The distance between us makes things really difficult sometimes.  When he is dysregulating he tends to "shut down." During dysregulation, his feelings become too intense for him. He withdraws, avoids, and tends to do or say impulsive things. His dysregulation primarily stems from emotional triggers, especially if he feels that I am criticizing or rejecting him.  Is this something that your bf does?

Did you end up seeing him?  If so, what happened during the visit?