Son wants to buy vehicle

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Yes, good for you for standing your ground through this and for protecting your son's money.

Thanks for the update, too.

[Mike-X]

Yes, good for you for standing your ground through this and for protecting your son's money.

Thanks for the update, too.

[whirlpoollife]

I was already caught up in this scenerio , with setting a boundary , so I couldn't back down.

Not with more legal battles and possible custody issues looming. That in itself is worth it.

Plus some email evidence .

Talking with a close relative , who knows h and S , suggested strongly , to have just let it go. To let S know I disapprove but let S spend his money with /for his dad.

At this age for S , and dealing with h,  emotionally it's a loosing battle.   Eventually S will catch on.  That it's time to take care of myself. 

[david]

If my ex does something with our boys that I don't agree with I let it go. Nine out of ten times it backfires on her and the boys. Usually because ex is trying to "win" against me. It is never what is best for our boys.

Not reacting is probably the best course to take. Validate son since he is excited. If it works out then that is a plus. If it becomes a rusting work of art at dads then be prepared to listen and validate that too. Maybe then son will be able to hear things you have to say.

[ForeverDad]

Of course ex has money squirreled away.  He'll never tell you where it came from, maybe a court-assigned forensic accountant can dig for it but don't hold your breath.  Don't assume he had relatives help him out.

I'm thinking that now that it has been bought, you'll eventually get pressured or guilted to pay for the parts and repair costs.  Don't be caught off guard, ponder in advance how you would handle that.

[whirlpoollife]

Just a vent here... .it has taken a few weeks for s2bxh to get the vehlicle registered and get plates.  When I had asked , S would answer that they are working it.  But when it gets plates then he can take it in to the shop for its inspection.  The kids had their long weekends with their dad and mine was next. The next day ,from kids coming back from their dad, Xh tells S that he got plates for his vehicle.   I knew what xh was doing, he had the plates but waited for S to be on my time.  I could not be passive here, so I reacted.  Calmly, no anger, I said to S , what a coincident that you had all this time with dad and now you start the week with me and the plates come in. 

I wasn't sure quite how to handle this. S heard it, I feel he understood it, but ... .he was not upset with me for saying it. Which was good. I didn't bring the subject up again. 

Later S was out with a friend and he said they stopped at his dad's , he said he was their for two minutes to get something from his vehicle ( he needs to get a part to get a new one).

Ugh, he found a way to get to his dads for his vehicle.  Not sure how to handle that either .

I didn't say anything agaisnt it as I was glad that S told me.

Which is progress, compared to the secrecy he had before with anything near his dad. 

[livednlearned]

Have you read any of the material about validation? I feel that I can handle these situations much better when I validate how S feels. Maybe it would help you in these interactions with your son?

If it feels to S that you want him to spend time at your place simply because those are the rules, or it's fair, or you want him to pick you over his dad, that is not likely to validate his experience. You end up having him spend time at your place when it's your custodial time, but he's not there because he wants to be. It's something we have to work at -- the other parent is like a peer to them, not a grown-up. That feels good to a kid, even though it upends the normal parent-child relationship.

Validating your son while still sticking to your boundaries might sound like, "I understand how exciting this new car is for you, and right in the middle of this excitement, you are caught between two households. How can we solve this so that you can keep working toward your goal, while still spending time here?"

You understand his experience, you also suggest that you want to spend time with him.

[whirlpoollife]

Lnl your replies give me homework to work on mentally. 

Xh intentionally timed telling  S that the plates came in , right at the start of kids time with me. That's not a , " S wants to spend more time with dad than with me "  thought.    I see it as the passive agressive from h. H did not degrade me directly , but made S wish he could be at dads... for his vehicle... ., not directly with dad, but away from mom.  That's the intentional  pull away from the ther parent.

There's still support matters going on. Xh wants money, not in the sense he wants it to pay for the kids monthly expenses.  So his luring kids to himself to get support for himself is a concern.

From learning validation from here, I am using it without realizing it, I guess. ( besides the vehicle issue but I would digress too much)    When the vehicle was first purchased , I did say to S , now that you have a new found love , am I ever going to see you again ?  ( I did not mention his dad, I did not mention custody times, and careful not to add guilt) S said a definate yes, that he wants to other things than just work on his vehicle. He has his other one here and there's other things he wants to do here.

I didn't think about that until you mentioned talking about it with S. In a way I already did but forgot about ,didn't think about it.   He did tell me, which was a good , it was for his vehicle , not just to hang out so that really was a needless worry on my part. 

L does not like deviating from the court order parent plan.  So who spends time with whom, recomended stick with the plan.

We do have a RoFR in the order. My work schedule just had some mandatory work time so kids had to go to their dad's.  S got to work on his vehicle. Yeah for him!    But it did not get running enough to get it on the road as he planned.  Something new each time is going wrong.