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Author Topic: Day 75 Broke NC. I'm ok with it but not surprised  (Read 317 times)
Targeted
Formerly CaresAboutSomeoneLikeThis
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 445



« on: February 17, 2015, 07:49:42 AM »

It started off simple, the day after Vday I got a message.  She said that she had some of my clothes and a sweater she thought might be my daughters and if I want them she will hold them until the end of the week. I replied with A short response to other messages she has sent in the past and that I'm sorry I cannot help because she is not willing to listen. Then I told her any clothes that she had found she has my permission to just bring them to Goodwill or throw them out. Then came the hours of projection and blame. And after all that I have learned here I could see where she is even rewriting history. The rewriting history part was that I was always looking for someone else and always hurting her by pointing out how beautiful other women are when the truth is exactly the opposite. She accused me of calling at talking to her mother which I never did, so I told her why would I want to talk to the woman Who played a role in scarring the woman that I loved so deeply? It does not make sense. Really too much to list here but some of the other key points are her accusing me of sleeping with people then I do not even know or have even met, said it was my fault we never had a baby because me being a alcoholic Killed my sperm. Basically she was offended and upset that I reached out to other therapists to try and get us help because I implicated one of her problems I thought she had about being raped very young age in my search for a therapist. She told me to tell my daughter she wishes things could have been different but I ruined things between her and my daughter, so I guess basically it is my fault she never followed through on things she said she was going to do with my daughter? And then tells me how well she is doing now and that I was the cause of her depression that prevented her home from being cleaned, even though it was like that long before I met her!  Accused me of sleeping with somebody from her work that I do not even know and all of the guys there stick up for my ex and the girl I'm supposedly sleeping with that I do not even know is a whore. Mentioned how great things are and clean the house is and how her granddaughter loves being there and life is better without me, and also how we would've made it if it was me that went and got help!  Then tells me thank you for texting because it really affirms her belief that I am no good and to be careful who I choose to hang out with because you are judged by the company you keep, birds of a feather flock together.  Being this Pharo and much much clearer of fog I am okay with this interaction, with all of her blame and accusations at least I have a really good guess of what she's doing herself, These interactions used to make me feel baffled and bewildered by the things I would have to defend and hurt very deeply, Hurt because somebody I love thought these things about me that were untrue. This created so much confusion in my head I could not even tell which way was up!  It does not do that any more thanks to this family, but to share with this family how I feel about this now!  IM a imperfect person, I am humble and even with my faults I know how to Love, I am a giving person, I am capable of empathy, and the way I feel about my ex at the moment instead of enmeshed and defencive is Empathetic! I do care about her and it is a little sad she does not want to try and get help, I feel empathy towards her for her choices and I wish her the best, I may not interpret everything she told me perfectly but this family help me to see things a lot clearer so reading through the lines I have a better understanding where she is at and that I cannot help her until she helps herself.  I would like to take this family once again for giving me knowledge and strength.
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Infared
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« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2015, 08:07:13 AM »

I would not respond to any communication from this person.  This was not a very nice experience. Was it?
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Recooperating
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Relationship status: Broken up
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« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2015, 08:10:46 AM »

Hey targeted,

Im glad to hear your ok with this interaction, but I am sorry you had to deal with the childish rages again. To me it sounds like she was trying to check the waters with the messages about the clothes. When you didnt react the way she wanted, she lashed out. A very familiar scene, it happened to me to in the exact same way 3 weeks ago. I too was okay since i knew what he was doing because of all the information here. i didnt take it personally and i just wished him well and said my goodbyes. Its mind blowing how they alter reality and create some sort of parellel universe we cant understand. But its her universe now, not yours anymore. It's time to take care of you and your daughter.  

Next time I receive a message, no matter how sweet or nasty, i will not respond. It always ends in delusional rages, no matter what I say.

Take care targeted!  
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Targeted
Formerly CaresAboutSomeoneLikeThis
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 445



« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2015, 09:47:08 AM »

I would not respond to any communication from this person.  This was not a very nice experience. Was it?

Infared, I understand your position here and you're not wrong, she might still be in the same place emotionally but this family has taught me her words are irrelevant and I need to let them roll off of my back and not take them personally because they are just A reaction to disregulated emotions, along with projection, so as I read it I know she has made herself believe these things but it is because of her own shame and guilt of what she allowed to happen to us, her actions! The things that make me happy about this negative interaction are for one it is kind of closure for me, Me knowing her as I do I would have to say that her anger comes from the fact she really loved me, at least the best she could and her actions drove me away and I am not there doing what are used to do for her any more. Secondly, I am happy that I am emotionally better and stronger myself, I do care about this person and I do not expect that is going to change, but knowing nothing changes until it changes and you can't change other people only yourself I'm happy for myself I am doing that, Some time ago I probably would have responded with picking up the clothes because of a desire to see her, most likely leading to a recycle. Therefore I have changed nothing. I'm guessing that if i responded that way here the rest of the hate, blame and accusations would have been avoided and replaced with a " ok I'll see you then ". Now I would be once again her doormat! But I made changes that I'm proud of, changes the only place I could!  In myself! 
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downwhim
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« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2015, 09:48:39 AM »

Targeted,

The blame game is going on here. A bunch of made up nonsense aimed at hurting you. I agree with the others. If she texts, calls or emails again, you are unavailable. She really needs help. 
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myself
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Posts: 3151


« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2015, 10:04:06 AM »

Targeted, you're right, the most important steps are the ones you're taking.

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Targeted
Formerly CaresAboutSomeoneLikeThis
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 445



« Reply #6 on: February 17, 2015, 10:37:54 AM »

Targeted,

The blame game is going on here. A bunch of made up nonsense aimed at hurting you. I agree with the others. If she texts, calls or emails again, you are unavailable. She really needs help. 



Thank you Downwhim!

I can clearly see that as well, Nothing but delusional accusations to hurt me and justify her behavior, i'm sure it would've been different if I said when can I pick up the clothes and I look forward to seeing you. But I have done too much work on myself to allow that, I think I responded to her for me not for her, maybe it is me just testing myself on how far I have come but I'm happy with myself with my results, she can throw all that stuff at me with the accusations and blame but it is up to me whether or not I accept it, and I don't! Right now I cant help that I still have feelings for her but I'm glad they do not get in the way and allow me to be abused once again.  
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Targeted
Formerly CaresAboutSomeoneLikeThis
****
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 445



« Reply #7 on: February 17, 2015, 10:51:49 AM »

Targeted, you're right, the most important steps are the ones you're taking.

Thank you Songbook,

Breaking NC is not always the greatest of ideas but I think we have all done it, I think the interaction is quite meaningless compared to the actual outcome. My actions determine that for myself, I think I could have easily turned this in to a recycle but in the end I think The outcome was I let her know I am not recyclable.
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Targeted
Formerly CaresAboutSomeoneLikeThis
****
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 445



« Reply #8 on: February 17, 2015, 03:33:34 PM »

Hey targeted,

Im glad to hear your ok with this interaction, but I am sorry you had to deal with the childish rages again. To me it sounds like she was trying to check the waters with the messages about the clothes. When you didnt react the way she wanted, she lashed out. A very familiar scene, it happened to me to in the exact same way 3 weeks ago. I too was okay since i knew what he was doing because of all the information here. i didnt take it personally and i just wished him well and said my goodbyes. Its mind blowing how they alter reality and create some sort of parellel universe we cant understand. But its her universe now, not yours anymore. It's time to take care of you and your daughter.  

Next time I receive a message, no matter how sweet or nasty, i will not respond. It always ends in delusional rages, no matter what I say.

Take care targeted!  

Thank you as well Recooperating,

Sorry you had the same but at least we are in better positions to deal with it. It is amazing the rewriting history and denial and projection, at least we know why and realise they don't want to.
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Infared
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Posts: 1763


« Reply #9 on: February 18, 2015, 04:21:42 AM »

I would not respond to any communication from this person.  This was not a very nice experience. Was it?

Infared, I understand your position here and you're not wrong, she might still be in the same place emotionally but this family has taught me her words are irrelevant and I need to let them roll off of my back and not take them personally because they are just A reaction to disregulated emotions, along with projection, so as I read it I know she has made herself believe these things but it is because of her own shame and guilt of what she allowed to happen to us, her actions! The things that make me happy about this negative interaction are for one it is kind of closure for me, Me knowing her as I do I would have to say that her anger comes from the fact she really loved me, at least the best she could and her actions drove me away and I am not there doing what are used to do for her any more. Secondly, I am happy that I am emotionally better and stronger myself, I do care about this person and I do not expect that is going to change, but knowing nothing changes until it changes and you can't change other people only yourself I'm happy for myself I am doing that, Some time ago I probably would have responded with picking up the clothes because of a desire to see her, most likely leading to a recycle. Therefore I have changed nothing. I'm guessing that if i responded that way here the rest of the hate, blame and accusations would have been avoided and replaced with a " ok I'll see you then ". Now I would be once again her doormat! But I made changes that I'm proud of, changes the only place I could!  In myself! 

That is good self awareness!

When I read how your ex baited you and then what ensued after you responded it brought back such similar interactions that I had with my expwBPD an the bewildered anguish that I would feel not comprehending her behavior. I see that you are going thru your own growth and awareness... .and that you are moving forward. Good stuff!

I got to the point where even though I missed her (or what I thought had been her), terribly... .I just had to go total NC as I found it just too painful to interact with all the crazy-making and lies. It didn't stop for me... .It just got worse.  Every interaction always ended with me in anguish... .and I had to fight to just not engage? Eventually absolute NCOS was the only method that would stop the craziness... .I guess it does not have to be that way for everyone... .
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Mike-X
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: living apart
Posts: 669


« Reply #10 on: February 18, 2015, 07:04:43 AM »

I would not respond to any communication from this person.  This was not a very nice experience. Was it?

Infared, I understand your position here and you're not wrong, she might still be in the same place emotionally but this family has taught me her words are irrelevant and I need to let them roll off of my back and not take them personally because they are just A reaction to disregulated emotions, along with projection, so as I read it I know she has made herself believe these things but it is because of her own shame and guilt of what she allowed to happen to us, her actions! The things that make me happy about this negative interaction are for one it is kind of closure for me, Me knowing her as I do I would have to say that her anger comes from the fact she really loved me, at least the best she could and her actions drove me away and I am not there doing what are used to do for her any more. Secondly, I am happy that I am emotionally better and stronger myself, I do care about this person and I do not expect that is going to change, but knowing nothing changes until it changes and you can't change other people only yourself I'm happy for myself I am doing that, Some time ago I probably would have responded with picking up the clothes because of a desire to see her, most likely leading to a recycle. Therefore I have changed nothing. I'm guessing that if i responded that way here the rest of the hate, blame and accusations would have been avoided and replaced with a " ok I'll see you then ". Now I would be once again her doormat! But I made changes that I'm proud of, changes the only place I could!  In myself! 

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Sounds like you have grown a lot and learned a considerable amount about BPD. Stay strong and keep growing. Thanks for posting!
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Targeted
Formerly CaresAboutSomeoneLikeThis
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 445



« Reply #11 on: February 18, 2015, 08:18:16 AM »

Thank you Infared, I don't plan on interacting with her on a daily basis and another 75-150 days would be just fine with me, I already tried the let's go get help thing and we know how that goes, it is suggested in articles that you absolutely should not try to have a relationship with the BPD unless they are aware of their issues and in therapy. And that is not even a guarantee, but what is a guarantee is I am probably going to have to deal with her for a little while, it seems to me with this one if I break NC and give her a response once in a great while it will help prevent her from physically showing up somewhere. And who knows, there is always that .0000000001% chance she will get help Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Mike-X thank you as well, it took me about eight months to get here and learn what I have and it has not been easy because I know deep down I still care about this person, I would like to spend the rest of my life waking up next to this person, but nobody deserves to have to endure that much pain and abuse from a disorder that there is at least help for in the name of love. We could support them in their efforts to heal but it is their job to do it. And if they are not going to do the work then we have to love them by walking away and continue loving them enough to not be a enabler of their behaviors.
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