Broke NC @ 3 months; time to really get going... where to start?

[Invictus01]

I think my story has been repeated here a billion times. A 6 month picture perfect BPD relationship (love bombing, mirroring, everything) that pretty much ended the day of our 6 month anniversary when I sent her some flowers saying that our movie (we had an insane first date, picture perfect Hollywood romantic comedy stuff) began 6 months ago. I think at that point she decided that I was getting a bit to close to her wounds, put me through 2 weeks distant/not-distant/distant stuff that just about drove me nuts and then broke it off when I asked her to talk to me and tell me what's up with a text telling me how great of a friend I am (not even asking me if I wanted to remain a friend, just presenting me with the fact). I went NC that day. That was a week and a half before Thanksgiving that she was supposed to spend with me. 3 weeks prior to that she even introduced me to her parents at an official dinner which to any sane person would signal that the relationship is progressing well. Good times.

I never experienced anything like this before, so right after that, the first few weeks I literally thought I was going nuts. It makes me shiver to think back to it and the condition I was in. My brain visited places so dark, I didn't think I had them inside of me. Just insane. She threw a Merry Christmas at me, I ignored that. There was nothing from her after that and I was glad 'cause I needed to get my $hit together. Meanwhile for the past 3 months I have had pretty much biweekly breakdowns when I cry like a nut and generally exhibit very strange behavior for my usual self. It has even been suggested I go visit with a psychiatrists because it was affecting my work performance and life in general.

After a friend of mine suggested I educate myself on this topic, I read up so much about BPD/Narcs/Sociopaths, I was 98% certain what I was dealing with. But I still had this 2% doubt in my mind. Maybe I was missing something? Did that REALLY just happen to me? Also, what I had in my mind were these constant circular conversations with her of how would it be if we ever talk again. I felt like it really was holding me back from really moving on. So, yesterday, I said screw it and sent her the following text - "3 months later I am still trying to make sense out of everything. What I know is this - I love you. We seem to have an insanely huge disconnect in how we feel about each other and I need to get over it. No worries, I will. But until that happens, I can not and will not be your friend. I just can't do this to myself" I figured I wouldn't get a response and that would be it. And for a few hours it did look like it. But after about 8 hours, I got this back - "I wish I felt the same way but as of right now I don't. I do care about you and I would absolutely like your friendship but I completely understand if it's all or nothing" It stung a little but not too much. I think 3 months of NC helped out A LOT. It also made me a little bit amused that she was STILL pressing for a friendship and the fact that I am trying to protect myself by walking away from it makes me this big bad "all or nothing" guy who wouldn't want to accept the generous offer of a friendship with a woman I'm in love with (yeah, I know, I'm not in love with her, but for now my brain is). Naturally I didn't respond to that, I didn't want to go into a text exchange that would seem to appear like we are actually on friendly terms.

Now I am certain I am done. Obviously I am going back to NC. What else people with enough experience suggest? I have been thinking about actually visiting a psychiatrist since I have been suffering from horrible sleeping patterns, mood swings, etc. since she walked away from me 3 months ago. I also lost about 15 lbs in the first 6 weeks 'cause I was a complete walking disaster. Some people suggested I might try to date again. I honestly can't even think about it for now. In the past 3 months I have had 4-5 women who expressed interest but I just can't. I go on a date and I feel like I'm just not there, like I am leading the woman on.

Thanks for your help everybody. This is by far the biggest mental craziness I have ever experienced in 38 years of my life.

[Keysmiami]

Hey I'm going through the same thing. I had a three year friendship that transitioned into being a couple she couldn't be happier as well as I There  is a little six year old involved that I became attached to. She cut me from one day to the next but still wanted to be friends. I was still driving her kid around. I did one thing wrong and now that is what she is fixated on. Worst experience of my life. I was so healthy before we got involved now I'm a complete mess. She just sabotaged the relationship. What else can we do but ride it out and stop thinking about it.

[Mutt]

Hi Invitus01,



I'm sorry to hear that. You are having a difficult 3 months.

A break-up with someone with BPD traits is excruciating pain. I can relate.

"I wish I felt the same way but as of right now I don't. I do care about you and I would absolutely like your friendship but I completely understand if it's all or nothing"

I think there's emotional blackmail; guilt from (FOG)

I think visiting a P is a good idea, it really helps to talk.  There's no quick fix, everyone copes differently and heals at their own pace. There's no right or wrong. I didn't think about dating for a long time because grieving the r/s before dating again felt right for me.

How's your support network with family and friends? Are they having a hard time understanding this stuff?

[Recooperating]

Hi Invictus,

So sorry to hear about your struggles! These rs and the breakups with pwBPD are unlike anything I've every experienced, its really ruff. Posting here and sharing your experiences are a good part of healing.

Is sounds like you have made up your mind about going (and staying NC). You've been NC for quite some time so you are familiar with the feelings and concept. I would really recommend you to go see a therapist/psychologist. I never thought I would ever need a shrink, but I am so glad I did! It was a tremendous help for me to sort out my thoughts, behaviours and FOO issues.

Things you can do to help yourself stay NC:

deactivate Facebook

change your phone number

block her everywhere on any account, mail, sms service or social media account you have

Make sure you dont check up on her social media accounts

Ask a friend to be your "detox buddy" (everytime you have the urge to contact you can him/her first

Delete pictures, mails, conversations you have had with her (or store them somewhere safe and far away)

Change your routine. If she goes to the same supermarket, go to a different one, take a different route to work etc.

Focus on you! try to find out why you allowed yourself to stay in this rs.

work out, go for walks, practise mindfullness or meditate

Allow yourself to feel like crap, cry, scream, yell, it has to come out!

Horrible sleeping patterns and irritability, moodswings and such can be signs of PTSS, a common result of being in a BPD rs. (I have it too) Its a good thing to talk to a T about that.

It all seems hoorible and horrific right now, the pain is unreal and beyond everything you have experienced before. BUT, there is light at the end of the tunnel! It takes time, but it really does get better! You have to go through the darkness of the tunnel to reach the other side. Be kind to yourself, maybe take some time of work, take good care of yourself, eat healthy etc. And keep posting!

You can do this! Sending you strenght and hugs! Good luck

[Invictus01]

Hi Invitus01,



I'm sorry to hear that. You are having a difficult 3 months.

A break-up with someone with BPD traits is excruciating pain. I can relate.

"I wish I felt the same way but as of right now I don't. I do care about you and I would absolutely like your friendship but I completely understand if it's all or nothing"

I think there's emotional blackmail; guilt from (FOG)

I think visiting a P is a good idea, it really helps to talk.  There's no quick fix, everyone copes differently and heals at their own pace. There's no right or wrong. I didn't think about dating for a long time because grieving the r/s before dating again felt right for me.

How's your support network with family and friends? Are they having a hard time understanding this stuff?

Thanks for your support.

Funny you should mention friends and family... .Among my friends, only a couple of them understood me. They themselves went through something like this before so they knew pretty much exactly what was going on. The rest... .It would be comical if it wasn't sad. Some even suggested that maybe I just took her friendly banter for something more and it was just all a misunderstanding. You know, as if I was actually nuts. The worst part that even my best buddy didn't really get it. We are always on the same page in everything, he is like my twin brother. To see him look at me like I was speaking Chinese was rather hurtful.

[myself]

These relationships, both during and after, can be so extreme, so out of the ordinary, unless you lived through it yourself it must be hard to get a real grasp on it. Even then, it's pretty hard to. Our loved ones may mean well, but they often just don't get it. That's where a good therapist could come in. If you have the chance to go, try it out. Be as honest as you can and really face this stuff. Ask questions. Get to the bottom and then work your way back. Having done so myself, is everything perfect on the other side? No. But there's much more relief, more understanding, and it's helped me be better able to process things from here on. It's helped to let a lot of it go.

[zeus123]

stay NO CONTACT. NC is your only salvation, there is no other medicine.

[Invictus01]

Scheduled a consultation on Monday with a psychiatrist who specializes on dealing with this kind of stuff. Never thought I'd ever need a trip to a psychiatrist but here I am... .

[Bumpsintheroad]

 Atta Boy Invictus... .

Glad to hear you made the appt with a T.   

HUGE step.  Also, Zues is right! NC,NC, NC

Thats the one thing that has ALWAYS worked for me.  Take pride in the fact that you're doing what best for YOU and only YOU!

[Heldfast]

No shame in getting help for yourself. It's helped me so much, both to understand what's wrong with her, and fix a few things wrong with me. Remember, the goal here is not just to get out from the BPD's shadow, it's to get yourself oriented so you stay in the sun.

[Trog]

My ex wanted/wants to be friends with all her exes, not one of them will speak to her, there's a reason for this! They like to collect people, for use later on if needed. It's creepy any gross. My ex asked me this week if we could be friends and what I'm doing, truth is, I do not like this person's conversation, there would be no friendship to have. Why the obsession with 'being friends' I don't know... .Creepy