Attachment and Tips on Healing

[Mutt]

Hi everyone,

I would like to start a topic of discussion on attachment and what we can do to speed up the healing process.

What is an attachment?

Attachment is the process of bonding in early development with parents, caregivers and family members. It is the foundation for growth and helps promote trust.

People with inconsistent parental attention during the first years of life—are apt to try to keep a defunct relationship going rather than suffer the pain of dissolving it

I would like to share. I'm an adoptee and less than 4% of the population are adoptees, some issues are detected at the onset and many attachment issues haunt us later on.

I was taken away from my mom after a few hours and adopted several weeks later. It can be pretty traumatic.

By contrast, people who develop an anxious or insecure attachment style—typically due to inconsistent parental attention during the first years of life—are apt to try to keep a defunct relationship going rather than suffer the pain of dissolving it. “The anxious person is less often the one who takes the initiative in breaking up,” Shaver says. “More commonly, they hang on and get more angry and intrusive.”

From my personal experience I was anxious, hung-on on to my relationship. I was very angry and intrusive after the break -up. I felt like I couldn't let go sending angry e-mails trying to beg her to come back.

I radically accept my childhood. My early development is not something that was in my control. Breaking-up with someone with BPD traits was extremely painful.

We can speed up our recovery.

Helpful tips

Don’t protest a partner’s decision.  The best thing a dumpee can do to speed emotional healing is to accept that the relationship has come to an unequivocal end.  In her neuroimaging studies, Helen Fisher found that the withdrawal-like reaction afflicting romantic rejectees diminished with time. Start the clock working in you favor.

Don’t beg him or her to reconsider later on.  The recovery process is fragile, says Fisher, and last-ditch attempts to make contact or win back an ex can scuttle it. “If you suddenly get an email from the person, you can get right into the craving for them again.” To expedite moving on, she recommends abstaining from any kind of contact with the rejecter: “Throw out the cards and letters. Don’t call. And don’t try to be friends.”   At least for now. When you have healed, things can change.

Resist thinking you’ve lost your one true soul mate. Don’t tell yourself you’ve lost the one person you were destined to be with forever, says Florida State University psychologist Roy Baumeister. “There’s something about love that makes you think there’s only one person for you, and there’s a mythology surrounding that. But there’s nothing magical about one person.” In reality, there are plenty of people with whom each of us is potentially compatible. It might be difficult to fathom in the aftermath of a breakup, but chances are you’ll find someone else.

Don’t demonize your ex-partner.  It’s a waste of your energy. And avoid plotting revenge; it will backfire by making him or her loom ever larger in your thoughts and postpone your recovery.

Don’t try to blot out the pain you’re feeling, either. Face it head on.  Short of the death of a loved one, the end of a long-term relationship is one of the most severe emotional blows you’ll ever experience. It’s perfectly normal—in fact, necessary—to spend time grieving the loss. “Love makes you terribly vulnerable,” John Portmann, a moral philos­opher at the University of Virginia says. “If you allow yourself to fall in love, you can get hurt really badly.”

More information

The Biology of Breaking Up

For our members that can relate and are struggling; let's discuss.  

[wavelife]

Thanks Mutt,

I agree on all accounts.  I have been pushing myself along on the course you described and am seeing and feeling good forward momentum!

Acceptance, letting go, believing there is much better ahead and a better person for me.  Hardest one for me is not demonizing and finding forgiveness in my heart towards my wife but it comes a little more everyday.

I would add, have faith and lean into God.  For me it is expediting the healing process.

I had not seen my wife for two months... .I saw her tonight sitting in the car at the grocery store.  Not sure if she saw me but my reaction was so much more positive than only a month ago.  I was calm, had a slight increase in pulse but by the time I was through the produce section it was gone.  The thought of seeing her a month ago would make me shake and bring me to nausea!

Keep pushing forward, smile, know that there is better just around the next bend.  FOG will lift, detachment happens and life is good.  Be encouraged everyone!

God bless

[draptemp]

First, may I say thank you for starting this discussion. After almost 4 years of agonizing pain and thinking I coukd help my dBPDso through all the "text book" behaviors and actions; I am beginning to realize I'm past the point of any possibility of me to help. Detaching from the intensity of the relationship is without question the most difficult task I've ever attempted. The remuninating haunts me continuously. There were so many memorable events, trips, occasions, family events  that I absolutely loved and treasure.

However, I'm taking my first steps to detaching by acknowledging the pain that this relationship has caused me. Therefore, I'm grateful for this discussion. I want to remain strong but the degree of my love was so strong and real, I'm fighting to believe my own self worth and value because I can hardly come to terms with how I've been devalued. But I'm trying very hard and talking about it helps me greatly.

[Mutt]

 

Hi wavelife,

I'm sorry to hear she triggered anxiety. Your wife's detachment in the marriage and her constant interruptions with texting after separation is hard.

You've been through a lot.

I found forgiveness for my ex. I don't like to hold anger or bitterness towards someone. You can find forgiveness if you choose to. I'm thankful that this experience has made rediscover faith.

It's painful and detachment takes time, it will get better.

God bless.




Hi draptemp,

I'm sorry for what you are going through

It's human nature to obsess and try to work things out in your mind. I'm sorry to hear pleasant memories are causing you stress, steal attention and cause unhappy and negative moods.

I agree. I found detaching painful. It helps to talk.

The lessons to the right of the board will help you through this process. What helped me was remembering; "Attachment leads to suffering; Detachment leads to freedom"

Hang in there.

[Copperfox]

This is a great list, Mutt.  All of these things are important aspects to detaching and healing.

If I could add one, it might be: Don't Devalue yourself.

Just because a relationship breaks down doesn't necessarily undercut your own value, or make you less worthwhile.  Sometimes things don't work out.  I think this especially true in the aftermath of BPD relationships, with all the projection, gaslighting, confusion, senseless behavior, etc.  It's natural to question ourselves, our own value. We see many of us on this board struggle with this - I have myself at times. But it's really important to remember the good things about yourself, the good things you bring to the table.  We often pedestal-ize the other person so much, while undermining ourselves.  We ask, "how could they do this to us?"  When really we should be asking "how could they be so foolish to risk losing me?"

You are a prize, with lots to give, and it's important to view yourself that way.

[christin5433]

This is a great list, Mutt.  All of these things are important aspects to detaching and healing.

If I could add one, it might be: Don't Devalue yourself.

Just because a relationship breaks down doesn't necessarily undercut your own value, or make you less worthwhile.  Sometimes things don't work out.  I think this especially true in the aftermath of BPD relationships, with all the projection, gaslighting, confusion, senseless behavior, etc.  It's natural to question ourselves, our own value. We see many of us on this board struggle with this - I have myself at times. But it's really important to remember the good things about yourself, the good things you bring to the table.  We often pedestal-ize the other person so much, while undermining ourselves.  We ask, "how could they do this to us?"  When really we should be asking "how could they be so foolish to risk losing me?"

You are a prize, with lots to give, and it's important to view yourself that way.

   Great topic it actually made me feel good today reading this. And the self worth from Copperfox that is truth. Why keep asking why they did this to us... .I'm worth it I know that each day I stay the course pain and all! We are all learning how to re build from a heart breaking life with a loved one with BPD. It is a big time transformation from love and hate constant in our daily lives to just us and finding where we went wrong in our pasts to even go to the lengths we did for our exs . I thought I was just doing what I could given my circumstance. I really can't say I'd do different because I tried various methods. So good luck to all on your paths. The attachment understanding is a huge piece of the puzzle.

[BatMasterson]

Hello all -  thanks for starting the thread Mutt.

Just a couple of things to add.   I would hazard a guess that most people who are sucked in by a BPD are by nature more of the anxious attachment type.   My experience with my partner was that she could really work this by being evasive and disappearing saying she needed space, having lots of single guy friends who she would flaunt, through triangulation with her ex-bf (who was still in the picture unknown to me) then accuse me of being overly controlling, jealous, conservative.   It will drive you eventually insane and you will end up doing crazy things - checking up on them, questioning etc... .I'm not sure if they thrive on the tension but it definitely feeds the push/pull dynamic.   But!  Don't beat yourself up on this (I know I did... .blamed myself for not accepting all the guys, even the hidden ones, etc)... .in a loving, respectful relationship even an anxious type can find peace. 

However, most older people (ie. not dating in their teens or early 20's) will have issues finding secure partners.   Secure partners tend to find and stay in relationships so odds are, if you're older, you'll be running into avoidant types... .and some of these will be BPDs (since they tend not to be in committed relationships either).  I think this is where some of the self-inquiry and growth comes in.   Use your breakup as a catalyst for self-improvement... .books such as "How To Be An Adult In Relationships" and other ones mentioned on this site will make you a better person for your next relationship and be able to handle a slightly-anxious or aviodant partner.   

My belief is it's ok to be slightly anxious.  I would assume most people are in relationships... .jealousy is a normal human emotion and how *you* deal with it reflects on your level of self-awareness and how your partner deals with it reflects there suitability.   A secure person can calm the fears and reassure an anxious partner who will grow to feel secure.  A secure person will recognize that an avoidant partner needs some space and as long as the other aspects are ok (loyalty, commitment, etc), then that space is ok and the avoidant person doesn't end up feeling smothered.

We all have personal growth to do.   Think how much better of a partner you will be for your next relationship that will hopefully be loving, respectful and stable.

Kia Kaha.

[Bloomer]

This post was incredibly helpful. I have not even left yet and I've already caught the love sickness. It is hard to imagine, maybe especially with a BPD partner, that someone else will ever compare. They do compare the idealization phase to a heroine addiction, so I suppose you need to have that mindset when exiting, or "quitting".

[christin5433]

Hello all -  thanks for starting the thread Mutt.

Just a couple of things to add.   I would hazard a guess that most people who are sucked in by a BPD are by nature more of the anxious attachment type.   My experience with my partner was that she could really work this by being evasive and disappearing saying she needed space, having lots of single guy friends who she would flaunt, through triangulation with her ex-bf (who was still in the picture unknown to me) then accuse me of being overly controlling, jealous, conservative.   It will drive you eventually insane and you will end up doing crazy things - checking up on them, questioning etc... .I'm not sure if they thrive on the tension but it definitely feeds the push/pull dynamic.   But!  Don't beat yourself up on this (I know I did... .blamed myself for not accepting all the guys, even the hidden ones, etc)... .in a loving, respectful relationship even an anxious type can find peace. 

However, most older people (ie. not dating in their teens or early 20's) will have issues finding secure partners.   Secure partners tend to find and stay in relationships so odds are, if you're older, you'll be running into avoidant types... .and some of these will be BPDs (since they tend not to be in committed relationships either).  I think this is where some of the self-inquiry and growth comes in.   Use your breakup as a catalyst for self-improvement... .books such as "How To Be An Adult In Relationships" and other ones mentioned on this site will make you a better person for your next relationship and be able to handle a slightly-anxious or aviodant partner.   

My belief is it's ok to be slightly anxious.  I would assume most people are in relationships... .jealousy is a normal human emotion and how *you* deal with it reflects on your level of self-awareness and how your partner deals with it reflects there suitability.   A secure person can calm the fears and reassure an anxious partner who will grow to feel secure.  A secure person will recognize that an avoidant partner needs some space and as long as the other aspects are ok (loyalty, commitment, etc), then that space is ok and the avoidant person doesn't end up feeling smothered.

We all have personal growth to do.   Think how much better of a partner you will be for your next relationship that will hopefully be loving, respectful and stable.

Kia Kaha.

It's amazing when I read identical situations that use to make me think I was off? See I'd try to communicate in a respectful loving way early on about on trust and trusting Im not sure what word to use so mannerisms . I mean she had no problem straight asking who and what and where I was going talking w cuss words and extreme verbal crap. Well later when I started experiencing her black phase quite often... .I notice shed call me controlling manipulative smothering and she felt she lost her independent self of course because of my needs which believe me seemed pretty nice or normal in fact I stop needing much it wasn't worth it but the bare things. While she would claim needing independence... .I began questioning w all the irrational behaviors and fights and just push pull thing made me f suspicious ? I'd chk things too phone bill, FB , just felt my alertness was on overdrive ? I'm actually a chilled person ... .If ur good and honest and show your on the same team I'm ok w some space. But verbal physical mental emotional abusive behaviors at any moment makes ur attachment issues go hay wire? Like I don't know. And everyone has jealousy ... .I get some is crazy but add triangulation to the mix then it's just a mess

[SlyQQ]

the ideation phase is not that much of a big deal and quitting heroine for non addictive personalities isnt really that hard. ( seen it enough times and statistics for people who are not prone to addiction are striking ) there are a large number of other means however people with BPD can make you addicted to them, which to a normal person make kicking heroin akin to a bad cold

[cloudten]

Hello all -  thanks for starting the thread Mutt.

Just a couple of things to add.   I would hazard a guess that most people who are sucked in by a BPD are by nature more of the anxious attachment type.   My experience with my partner was that she could really work this by being evasive and disappearing saying she needed space, having lots of single guy friends who she would flaunt, through triangulation with her ex-bf (who was still in the picture unknown to me) then accuse me of being overly controlling, jealous, conservative.   It will drive you eventually insane and you will end up doing crazy things - checking up on them, questioning etc... .I'm not sure if they thrive on the tension but it definitely feeds the push/pull dynamic.   But!  Don't beat yourself up on this (I know I did... .blamed myself for not accepting all the guys, even the hidden ones, etc)... .in a loving, respectful relationship even an anxious type can find peace. 


Kia Kaha.

Yup that was me but opposite genders. I thought I was going nuts trying and trying to trust "platonic friendships" that were completely inappropriate imo.

[Mutt]

Just because a relationship breaks down doesn't necessarily undercut your own value, or make you less worthwhile.  Sometimes things don't work out.  I think this especially true in the aftermath of BPD relationships, with all the projection, gaslighting, confusion, senseless behavior, etc.  It's natural to question ourselves, our own value. We see many of us on this board struggle with this - I have myself at times. But it's really important to remember the good things about yourself, the good things you bring to the table.  We often pedestal-ize the other person so much, while undermining ourselves.  We ask, "how could they do this to us?"  When really we should be asking "how could they be so foolish to risk losing me?"

You are a prize, with lots to give, and it's important to view yourself that way.

I had low self-esteem and I had come to believe the devaluations and I think it was important to learn about BPD. I learned that my ex has maladaptive coping mechanisms and feels insecure about herself and doesn't trust herself  or others and was fearful of the world and was projecting her feelings and actions. I think it's important that we validate, love and take care of ourselves.

My experience with my partner was that she could really work this by being evasive and disappearing saying she needed space, having lots of single guy friends who she would flaunt, through triangulation with her ex-bf (who was still in the picture unknown to me) then accuse me of being overly controlling, jealous, conservative.   It will drive you eventually insane and you will end up doing crazy things - checking up on them, questioning etc... .I'm not sure if they thrive on the tension but it definitely feeds the push/pull dynamic.   But!  Don't beat yourself up on this (I know I did... .blamed myself for not accepting all the guys, even the hidden ones, etc)... .in a loving, respectful relationship even an anxious type can find peace.

You raise a good point BatMasterson that we can find someone loving and respectful as well. If you take a look at the bevahiors with avoidance, karpman drama triangles, projection and take a look at the characteristics of a healthy relationship, it's a stark contrast. I think it's a benchmark and telling of how unhealthy my relationship was. I can see how I'm a person that is trustful, supportive, honest, fair and there are things that I work on and calibrate. I don't think I'm a step up or and she's a step down, she has impairments and copes with a difficult personality disorder. I had to let my ex partner go as difficult and painful as it was because I was selling myself short.

Some of the characteristics of a healthy relationship are:

Respect - listening to one another, valuing each other's opinions, and listening in a non-judgmental manner. Respect also involves attempting to understand and affirm the other's emotions.

Trust and support - supporting each other's goals in life, and respecting each other's right to his/her own feelings, opinions, friends, activities and interest. It is valuing one's partner as an individual.

Honesty and accountability - communicating openly and truthfully, admitting mistakes or being wrong, acknowledging past use of violence, and accepting responsibility for one's self.

Shared responsibility - making family/relationship decisions together, mutually agreeing on a distribution of work which is fair to both partners. If parents, the couple shares parental responsibilities and acts as positive, non-violent role models for the children.

Economic partnership - in marriage or cohabitation, making financial decisions together, and making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.

Negotiation and fairness - being willing to compromise, accepting change, and seeking mutually satisfying solutions to conflict.

Non-threatening behavior - talking and acting in a way that promotes both partners' feelings of safety in the relationship. Both should feel comfortable and safe in expressing him/herself and in engaging in activities.

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

[draptemp]

Mutt, thank you for your words of encouragement. I truly believe this is the most difficult task I've ever attempted to complete. The devaluation of my own individual self with are at an all time low. He is the master of argument and presenting what seems such a logical explanation of how black o really am; all the while his life is portrayed as ideal and perfect.

So hard but I'm trying with all my strength.

Thanks again.

[Aussie JJ]

One thing I found really good when reading up on attachment style's. 

There is no correct attachment style!  It's something that is hard to grasp coming out of a relationship with someone with these very issues however everyone is different in there own ways. 

So if your insecure, avoidant, secure.  Whatever.  Its an attachment style.  Understanding your own will help you understand how you relate to others and this in itsel gives you a bit better understanding of yourself.  The only person you really can change or influence. 


AJJ.