question?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I found out my diagnosed BPDex never cheated on me. She has cheated on every partner before me and is already cheating on my replacement. Does this mean I meant something to her? Or am I looking into this to much? I was also by far her longest relationship. When she left she broke up with me because she wanted the new guy. The went to a concept together and she decided he had more to offer. All her behaviour after the breakup has been insane but she kept saying she should have handled things better.

Your answers are appreciated.

[rapror496]

I found out my diagnosed BPDex never cheated on me. She has cheated on every partner before me and is already cheating on my replacement. Does this mean I meant something to her? Or am I looking into this to much? I was also by far her longest relationship. When she left she broke up with me because she wanted the new guy. The went to a concept together and she decided he had more to offer. All her behaviour after the breakup has been insane but she kept saying she should have handled things better.

Your answers are appreciated.

[jhkbuzz]

I found out my diagnosed BPDex never cheated on me. She has cheated on every partner before me and is already cheating on my replacement. Does this mean I meant something to her? Or am I looking into this to much? I was also by far her longest relationship. When she left she broke up with me because she wanted the new guy. The went to a concept together and she decided he had more to offer. All her behaviour after the breakup has been insane but she kept saying she should have handled things better.

Your answers are appreciated.

I'm going to ask the obvious question here: what makes you think she never cheated on you?

[rapror496]

We lived together and shared one car. She never left the house unless I was with her. It was hard when she left because she dragged me to my replacements apartment a couple of times. So I knew him we also started a friendship unroll she villified me to him.

[jhkbuzz]

We lived together and shared one car. She never left the house unless I was with her. It was hard when she left because she dragged me to my replacements apartment a couple of times. So I knew him we also started a friendship unroll she villified me to him.

I wouldn't be so sure.  Just because you were out with the car doesn't mean someone couldn't stop by, or couldn't pick her up with their own car. And I guess it also depends on what you mean by "cheating."  Physical? Emotional?  If she "vilified you to him' they must have been in contact and developing a r/s.

It would be very unusual for her to refrain from a proven pattern of behavior with a single person.  That doesn't really make sense.  It's much more likely that she would have done what she's always done (in terms of her behavior and relationship patterns).

I was stunned to learn of my ex's affair. Turns out their hookups happened in the few afternoon hours she was free between the end of her work day and a (completely legit) early evening work meeting. Where there's a will there's a way.

[mitchell16]

rapror496, In all honesty you will probably never know for sure. I never caught mine cheating but looking at the facts I almost certain that she did. She had a history on past relationships of cheating or either creating a circumstance to break up to hook up. she told me this herself. So when I look at the facts and her behaviors I have no other choice but to believe she did. she would do things like, taking her phone to the bathroom with her, getting starnge texts that she didnt know who the person was, having to break up and then leave town/vanishing with no contact, I caught her in so many lies I had lost count, But i never caught her. But some situtions come to mind. One occasion she was working late several times a week with a male co-worker that she would alway describe him as cute. I never thought much about it. but it was really the perfect set, they were alone late at night in a building, that was secured and nobody could walk in with out a key and pass code. One night she called me and asked me to bring her some dinner to her job, so she could eat and we could see each other. I walk in, the guy is sitting there. She introduced to him as her boyfriend, which she never used that term before. I remmber the guy looking at me in shock, like that was the first time he ever knew she had boyfriend. He wa svery reluctant to even shake my hand. Once me and her was alone she even commented " did you see the look on his face when I said you was my boyfriend" I said yeah I did.  she said " it was like he was shocked I had one". Now in hindsight, she was either messing with him or typical of her she had beeen leading him on and used me as a way to back him off, cause it was getting out of control. But either way it was very shady. and I stayed with her i believed that she just loved me so much. and she would also use things like that to gaslight me, I was to paranoid, suspcious, controlling etc. further killing my self esteem.

[Mutt]

All her behaviour after the breakup has been insane but she kept saying she should have handled things better.

I'm sorry your going through this.

I got an apology after all I went through. She didn't mean for things to end the way they did; sorry things were hard.

She's vilifying you to him. Is she vilifying ( distorting ) you to others? Is that what you mean with her behavior being over the top after the break-up?

[22years]

I have suffered enough torment thinking/imagining my wife cheating. I know she did but I am learning that reliving the event has to stop at some point. There is a time to recognize what she did and be in pain and a time to move on. She has shared her body with another man. Therefore there is no taking her back. It's a one way road. No reconciliation. We arent friends bc friends dont betray you and make up lies about you to others. We arent lovers bc lovers dont share their bodies with other people. We have children together and I am supportive of her in that role bc -to tell the truth- I think she needs some help there and if I dont help her in that it would adversely affect the kids.  There was a reason I connected with her and I am seeing a psychologist to get to the bottom of that. I plan to remarry. I wont make the same mistake.

[jhkbuzz]

I have suffered enough torment thinking/imagining my wife cheating. I know she did but I am learning that reliving the event has to stop at some point. There is a time to recognize what she did and be in pain and a time to move on. She has shared her body with another man. Therefore there is no taking her back. It's a one way road. No reconciliation. We arent friends bc friends dont betray you and make up lies about you to others. We arent lovers bc lovers dont share their bodies with other people. We have children together and I am supportive of her in that role bc -to tell the truth- I think she needs some help there and if I dont help her in that it would adversely affect the kids.  There was a reason I connected with her and I am seeing a psychologist to get to the bottom of that. I plan to remarry. I wont make the same mistake.

Amen. It's called self respect. For yourself.

[rapror496]

Mutt. Yeah she is telling everyone that I sexually assaulted her. I'm going nowhere with my life just in general a loser. However her credit score is in the 300 range she has 2 evictions and she is selling her paid off house to move someplace where she can feel wealthy... it's insane her friends always doubted her bought now there closer than ever while I'm stuck at my parents... what's worse is that she keeps telling people she still loves me but she's doing what's best for her.

She left a couple of years ago for the same guy and said it was because she had to escape her abusive parents. Now I guess I'm the abusive one she's escaping.it's sad she told everyone she was using him before and now everyone  is happy with her choice...

I'm a little confused.

[Mutt]

She left a couple of years ago for the same guy and said it was because she had to escape her abusive parents. Now I guess I'm the abusive one she's escaping.it's sad she told everyone she was using him before and now everyone  is happy with her choice...

It can be confusing and hurtful when someone we're close to closes the door on us and makes poor life choices.

I can relate. My ex said I was physically, emotionally, sexually, and financially abusive to her family and friends. These distortions were going on for months before she left.

Some and not all pwBPD may have a distortion or smear campaign when they feel a lot of anxiety and stress and project their actions and feelings on their partners.

With that being said, my ex was circulating these stories and wanted to remain friends after the split. I don't think that she was sure if her bf was going to stick around. For example, on moving day she said " Mutt maybe we'll get remarried someday!" She had left me a few weeks before Easter and I was in a lot of pain, she then invited me over to an Easter supper with old mutual friends that don't talk to me and are friends with her. I regrettably went because I wanted a chance to talk to her and she was acting as if nothing had happened.

I understand it's invalidating when her friends are encouraging or validating her actions and behaviors with "what's best for her", "it wasn't meant to be" or something similar.

From my experience, they are her friends and will likely side with her? I don't think that they know any better, emotional immaturity, lack of self awareness and they don't see what transpires between a pwBPD and a non behind closed doors.

Water seeks it's own level.

Distortion or smear campaigns can be incredibly scary and stressful. I'm sorry your going through this.

These are her actions and not yours, it's on her and not you.

The best advice that I can give is don't justify, attack, defend or explain (JADE) your position with her friends or family.

Keep your chin up.

Remain radio silent with your ex and it will die off. She's triggered with shame and guilt and she's looking for a scape-goat for her actions.

Truth has a way of working it's way out on it's own.

[raisins3142]

As others said,  you can't prove a negative here.  But if you have no reason to suspect she was cheating, then I would not think about it at all.  Sort of like I can't prove pixies are not dancing on my  desk, but I don't entertain the thought due to no confirming evidence.

I am in a similar position with my uBPDexgf.  She had cheated on people in the past.  And she just kind of naturally acted weird due to not knowing how most people behave in relationships or view things.  And she was okay with lying.  So, I'll never really know what she was up to.  When I questioned her odd behavior she said "I'm with you all the time or at work, so how could I cheat?"  This was obviously a dumb thing to say.  She lived 45 minutes away and would often spend days alone when not at work.  Plus, it doesn't take much time to betray someone, especially with cell phones.

This is why I behave in a relationship in a way that builds trust (my activities and communications are an open book, and I lay the book open in front of them so to speak).  The lack of that behavior is now a red flag to me.