My ex gf, 20, and I were together for 6 months. We both worked a lot and so only saw each other fairly infrequently in the beginning, but after around a month she told me thatshe wanted to be exclusive. Two weeks later she stopped contacting me for 4 days - it turned out that I was not communicating enough with her (admittedly only a text a day sort of thing) and that she did not feel I was interested, so kissed another guy at a party. She admitted to this after a great deal of prompting.
Things became very deep during our time together, particularly in the last few months. We went on an amazing holiday, lived together for a few weeks and spent almost every night together.
We regularly told one another "I love you", she would refer to me as her “soulmate", tell me that she wanted to spend her life with me, wishfully discussed our future children and said, in all seriousness, that she would want to move to Australia with me after university. She even stated that she would be uncertain about an abortion. A mutual friend (whom she did not know that I knew) reported that she had been saying these kinds of things about me to her also - "I can see our lives together ... .I just wish that we could have it all now".
She would rarely show great enthusiasm and was extremely laid back. A typical evening might involve a luke-warm reception (no smile or hug unless instigated by me) and somewhat difficult conversation to which I would contribute the majority of the enthusiasm. Gradually, the level of intimacy and affection she would show would increase. If we parted the next visit would proceed similarly. I guess she seemed detached a lot of the time.
Now, I was already concerned about her suitability for a long-term relationship, given that she cheated on her ex-bf – she explained that they didn’t see one another frequently enough due to university separation, and that, after a year, she got bored and fell out of love with him. What compounded my doubts was her saying that she hadn’t felt guilty, because she didn't love him anymore. In addition to this, I was concerned by her love of male attention, even whilst in my company (perhaps attributable to insecurity over her weight – related to an eating disorder - and looks) She adored sex (which was fantastic) and admiration.
After 6 months together, we parted for university, telling one another that we wanted things to work. During our time apart, she spoke of her excitement over seeing me in the coming weeks and I received several drunken phone calls during which she stated that she was desperate for things to work, that she needed me to be there to reassure her, that she missed me a great deal and loved me more so still. But by 3 weeks she had stopped making any effort to contact me and I would often not receive responses to messages/phone calls for 24 hours.
I visited her days later, only for her to ignore me the entire time and to show no enthusiasm for my presence (annoyance actually)
After some probing, she admitted that she had been invited back to a guy's house the night before and slept in his bed, cuddling all night, but swore to me that nothing more intimate had happened. She was, however, flirtatiously texting this guy in front of me the entire time I was there, even as we ended things, and showed classic signs of interest in him. I saw one one or two of the messages - "You tired me out with all the cuddling last night", "Conversation with the bf is pretty forced", "the meal is s**t".
We discussed how the long-distance scenario wasn't going to work and broke up amidst a great many tears (affection which only became apparent after an emotional conversation about how much we had meant to each other and sex). She also asked me to reassure her that we could reinstate things at a later date and after some settling in time. She stated that she couldn't say goodbye to me, for fear she would never see me again, so instead left it at see you soon. When I turned up for this visit she was wearing his jumper, which he had apparently given her the night before - she had always worn mine perviously.
She seemed to be very loving and affectionate during the right moments i.e. watching a movie/in bed/after sex (particularly during the latter stages) but could also be disinterested and condescending. She could also be quite selfish - "forgetting her wallet", buying expensive items despite owing me money which I was in need of etc. She said that before she met me she found it very difficult to open up to people emotionally, even to her previous bf of 2 years, and had never discussed her previous issues surrounding eating disorders, her parents’ divorce and her issues with self-image.
In terms of family history, her mother and father divorced when she was young, under suspicion of his cheating. He then went on to cheat on his next wife (whom she liked very much) and to marry his mistress.
She often said that she thought of herself as an individual, not needing to be part of a group and not wanting to depend on people yet told me on several occasions in the weeks we were apart - "I need you to be here to tell me everything is going to be alright", "I miss everything about you, I think I actually need you”.
She frequently said that she wished we had met after university, due to her propensity to engage in "self-sabotaging behaviours" – cheating, promiscuity in younger days (had had 13 sexual partners by 20), drug taking and clubbing - and was very scared of ruining our relationship. She also frequently said that she was afraid that I was going to meet someone "better" at university. She had even told this mutual friend, whilst we were in the midst of the realtionship (emotions still seemingly VERY strong) that she was afraid she was going to cheat on me at a weekend festival.
When we ended she was a mess, saying that she wished we had met after university so we could have had a future/still wanted a future etc, so she surely still cared? But at the same time, she said she rarely thought of me or her "old" life whilst at university.
Basically I am trying to work out whether this was just an infatuation (the rose tinted phase of a relationship) which faded at distance due to lack of things in common, her overstatement of emotion was just immaturity and the way she handled the breakup just selfish and a little cold (alongside distractions of university, demanding course and prospect of 3 years apart with only occasional contact). Or whether it was BPD/BPD traits rather than full blown disorder. What confuses me on this front is the fact that she and her ex were together for 2 years and only saw each other once or twice a week. He even went away for 3 months at one point and she didn't cheat (something I know to be true).
Would hugely appreciate your thoughts, guys
