How they get us... Special thanks to Anxiety's thread

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was reading through Anxiety's thread and it got me thinking about how pwBpds and other cluster b's ensnare us in these nasty relationships. With the exception of several interchangeable parts that are specific to each DSM IV disorder there is a prevailing pattern.

This is how I see the pattern

1) targeting: a healthy person with high self esteem but with strong codependent traits is drawn to an individual with the baseline disorder. This goes for BPD, NPD, HPD, ASPD and a combination of related traits.

The affected person will sense the nons strong self and will be drawn to that strength because they lack it within their own makeup.

They will target this person with heavy attention, love bombing, etc, to earn the trust and facilitate an emotional bond.

2) transference: at this stage, the PD affected person will start to show their true neediness and start to syphon the life force away from the non. This is also the stage where the PD individual will reveal for the first time it's true selfish ego. The non will be empathetic and continue to fill the empty void in the PD affected individual.

3) testing: this is the phase where the PD individual will test the boundaries of the non with actions of total disregard. This is usually the phase when the cheating begins. The non is now so emotionally entrenched that it starts to try even more to make the PD affect person return to the initial love bombing stage. The non will stay hooked because it optimistically hopes the PD affected person will revert back to the mask it donned during the targeting phase.

4) erosion: this is the stage where the non starts to fight back and demand that the PD holds up their end of the relationship. This is also the stage where the pd will transfer blame on the non for the relationship becoming not fun anymore.

5) monkey branching: this is when the PD individual starts the process of total detachment. This is when they start to seek a replacement. This is also the phase when the nons mental health falls apart.

6) Ejection: when the PD disordered person finds a fresh confident host they terminate attachment and move on to the next person.

[Jack2727]

I was reading through Anxiety's thread and it got me thinking about how pwBpds and other cluster b's ensnare us in these nasty relationships. With the exception of several interchangeable parts that are specific to each DSM IV disorder there is a prevailing pattern.

This is how I see the pattern

1) targeting: a healthy person with high self esteem but with strong codependent traits is drawn to an individual with the baseline disorder. This goes for BPD, NPD, HPD, ASPD and a combination of related traits.

The affected person will sense the nons strong self and will be drawn to that strength because they lack it within their own makeup.

They will target this person with heavy attention, love bombing, etc, to earn the trust and facilitate an emotional bond.

2) transference: at this stage, the PD affected person will start to show their true neediness and start to syphon the life force away from the non. This is also the stage where the PD individual will reveal for the first time it's true selfish ego. The non will be empathetic and continue to fill the empty void in the PD affected individual.

3) testing: this is the phase where the PD individual will test the boundaries of the non with actions of total disregard. This is usually the phase when the cheating begins. The non is now so emotionally entrenched that it starts to try even more to make the PD affect person return to the initial love bombing stage. The non will stay hooked because it optimistically hopes the PD affected person will revert back to the mask it donned during the targeting phase.

4) erosion: this is the stage where the non starts to fight back and demand that the PD holds up their end of the relationship. This is also the stage where the pd will transfer blame on the non for the relationship becoming not fun anymore.

5) monkey branching: this is when the PD individual starts the process of total detachment. This is when they start to seek a replacement. This is also the phase when the nons mental health falls apart.

6) Ejection: when the PD disordered person finds a fresh confident host they terminate attachment and move on to the next person.

[nowwhatz]

I was reading through Anxiety's thread and it got me thinking about how pwBpds and other cluster b's ensnare us in these nasty relationships. With the exception of several interchangeable parts that are specific to each DSM IV disorder there is a prevailing pattern.

This is how I see the pattern

1) targeting: a healthy person with high self esteem but with strong codependent traits is drawn to an individual with the baseline disorder. This goes for BPD, NPD, HPD, ASPD and a combination of related traits.

The affected person will sense the nons strong self and will be drawn to that strength because they lack it within their own makeup.

They will target this person with heavy attention, love bombing, etc, to earn the trust and facilitate an emotional bond.

2) transference: at this stage, the PD affected person will start to show their true neediness and start to syphon the life force away from the non. This is also the stage where the PD individual will reveal for the first time it's true selfish ego. The non will be empathetic and continue to fill the empty void in the PD affected individual.

3) testing: this is the phase where the PD individual will test the boundaries of the non with actions of total disregard. This is usually the phase when the cheating begins. The non is now so emotionally entrenched that it starts to try even more to make the PD affect person return to the initial love bombing stage. The non will stay hooked because it optimistically hopes the PD affected person will revert back to the mask it donned during the targeting phase.

4) erosion: this is the stage where the non starts to fight back and demand that the PD holds up their end of the relationship. This is also the stage where the pd will transfer blame on the non for the relationship becoming not fun anymore.

5) monkey branching: this is when the PD individual starts the process of total detachment. This is when they start to seek a replacement. This is also the phase when the nons mental health falls apart.

6) Ejection: when the PD disordered person finds a fresh confident host they terminate attachment and move on to the next person.

Yeah the targeting is spot on.  That was me... .a person with high self esteem and the rest. She always said when she was "in" how she felt so protected by me.

Funny how now after 4 years my self-esteem is gone and I can't even protect myself.

[apple2]

I was reading through Anxiety's thread and it got me thinking about how pwBpds and other cluster b's ensnare us in these nasty relationships. With the exception of several interchangeable parts that are specific to each DSM IV disorder there is a prevailing pattern.

This is how I see the pattern

1) targeting: a healthy person with high self esteem but with strong codependent traits is drawn to an individual with the baseline disorder. This goes for BPD, NPD, HPD, ASPD and a combination of related traits.

The affected person will sense the nons strong self and will be drawn to that strength because they lack it within their own makeup.

They will target this person with heavy attention, love bombing, etc, to earn the trust and facilitate an emotional bond.

2) transference: at this stage, the PD affected person will start to show their true neediness and start to syphon the life force away from the non. This is also the stage where the PD individual will reveal for the first time it's true selfish ego. The non will be empathetic and continue to fill the empty void in the PD affected individual.

3) testing: this is the phase where the PD individual will test the boundaries of the non with actions of total disregard. This is usually the phase when the cheating begins. The non is now so emotionally entrenched that it starts to try even more to make the PD affect person return to the initial love bombing stage. The non will stay hooked because it optimistically hopes the PD affected person will revert back to the mask it donned during the targeting phase.

4) erosion: this is the stage where the non starts to fight back and demand that the PD holds up their end of the relationship. This is also the stage where the pd will transfer blame on the non for the relationship becoming not fun anymore.

5) monkey branching: this is when the PD individual starts the process of total detachment. This is when they start to seek a replacement. This is also the phase when the nons mental health falls apart.

6) Ejection: when the PD disordered person finds a fresh confident host they terminate attachment and move on to the next person.

I am in phase 3&4. This is a great summary. Mine also said that he likes me because I am a confident person. There might be a long time interval between 4 and 5, since the PD individual tries to recycle, if our energy battery is not empty. Or they don't want to lose control. They enjoy the push/pull process to see how much we love them, how strong we are emotionally attached to them. But only they can put an end to the relationship, for them, we don't have the right to leave first.

[Jack2727]

Here is my second version. I wrote the first version on my smartphone.

This is how I see the pattern

1) Targeting: The first phase of the cycle is when you first encounter the person with the psychiatric disorder. You can meet these people in all situations and walks of life. These people will come on real strong and with very few inhibitions.

The chemistry will be quite effortless.

These people like easy fixes and tend to be found on dating sites that take little effort and cost to communicate. (tinder, POF, match, religious based sites). They usually will be the aggressive and move fast to start communicating in person or via phone.

A co-dependant will be especially drawn to these people because of the inherent love bombing and constant attention. These people will seem genuine and void of games. They will put you on a pedestal and make you feel "really special". You will also start to experience a phenomenon of time distortion. It will seem like you will have known these people for ages although you may have only been talking to them for a couple of days

They will encourage things to go fast. They will push for sex and commitment almost immediately. These people also tend to gravitate towards long distance relationships. These people will want to spend a lot of time together. The reason why is that they can't stand to be alone. It's quite possible to go from not knowing these people to living together in a very short period of time.  



2) Transference: The transference stage is categorized as the boundary when you start to lose control over you strong individualistic self. In a normal relationship, this usually happens sometime after 90 days. In these relationships, this transfer happens within the first 4-6 weeks.

At this point, the PD affected person will start to show you their true self. Since they have you hooked emotionally and financially (hence the early co-habitation) you have ceded control of yourself to this person.

This is also the stage where the PD individual will reveal for the first time it's true selfish ego. It will be a slow reveal but the things and people who used to be important to you will start to be eroded away.

There also will be a major swing in the PD's mood from upbeat and optimistic to dour and depressive. At this point, the empathetic self will try to soothe the depressive PD person and start the giving imbalance.

3) Testing: The testing phase is the pivotal juncture of the relationship with the PD person. One or two things will happen at this point. A person with a strong self may decide to abandon the relationship and go NC, which in return will cause an upheaval from the person with the PD. But in most cases, the non who is already invested in the relationship will continue to give to try to adjust the seemingly puzzling imbalance.  

This is also the phase where the PD individual will test the boundaries of the non with actions of total disregard. This is usually the phase when the cheating begins.

A non will now start to exhibit signs to their loved ones of trouble. People will start to notice a change in confidence and demeanor. This person will now seem to be totally preoccupied with the health of their relationship. The PDed person will try at this point to alienate the non from their support system to continue to erode their self.

4) Erosion: This is the stage where the non starts to fight back and demand that the PD holds up their end of the relationship. This is also the stage where the PD person will transfer blame on the non for the relationship becoming "not fun anymore".

The PD person may at this time have someone on the side who they will be using as a crutch as they paint their current partner black. This a time where the person with the PD will be starting to craft a story with their few friends and family about their supposedly abusive partner.

5) Monkey Branching: This is when the PD individual starts the process of total detachment. They either have a replacement in place or start aggressively searching for a new suitor. This is also the phase where the non starts to pick up on things. During this phase, things just won't be adding up anymore with the PD affected person. Schedules will be changing, and the PD person will be seemingly in a fog. They will not be communicating with you as frequently  anymore.  This is also the phase when the nons mental health falls apart. At this point, if a non has not left the relationship, they will be reduced to a paranoid shell of their former confident self.

6) Ejection: This is the final and most ruthless phase. When the PD person has secured a new source of supply they will terminate the relationship with the non.  

7) Recycle: The PD person will return when you recover and their replacement source of energy is depleted. The more narcissistic a person is the less likely they will return.

[downwhim]

All of this just leaves me upset. They so controlled us and continue to do so. 4 1/2 months out and I still think of him while he could care less. 8 years of my life was wasted trying to figure out how I could fit into his world.

You are correct. I was self confident. I had direction, motivation and a potential for happiness. Now I feel empty and alone. All the counseling in the world does not rectify. I truly hate him for what he did to me and how he ran like a child. I showed my strength and quit being an abused doormat for him. I left when he screamed. I questioned how he was talking to and treating his children. I questioned whether or not we would end up like his other two marriages and how we would be different. He did not like the boundaries I set.

He needed to run because he knew I may. Problem was I loved him. That is the trap.

[hope2727]

Here is my second version. I wrote the first version on my smartphone.

This is how I see the pattern

1) Targeting: The first phase of the cycle is when you first encounter the person with the psychiatric disorder. You can meet these people in all situations and walks of life. These people will come on real strong and with very few inhibitions.

The chemistry will be quite effortless.

These people like easy fixes and tend to be found on dating sites that take little effort and cost to communicate. (tinder, POF, match, religious based sites). They usually will be the aggressive and move fast to start communicating in person or via phone.

A co-dependant will be especially drawn to these people because of the inherent love bombing and constant attention. These people will seem genuine and void of games. They will put you on a pedestal and make you feel "really special". You will also start to experience a phenomenon of time distortion. It will seem like you will have known these people for ages although you may have only been talking to them for a couple of days

They will encourage things to go fast. They will push for sex and commitment almost immediately. These people also tend to gravitate towards long distance relationships. These people will want to spend a lot of time together. The reason why is that they can't stand to be alone. It's quite possible to go from not knowing these people to living together in a very short period of time.  



2) Transference: The transference stage is categorized as the boundary when you start to lose control over you strong individualistic self. In a normal relationship, this usually happens sometime after 90 days. In these relationships, this transfer happens within the first 4-6 weeks.

At this point, the PD affected person will start to show you their true self. Since they have you hooked emotionally and financially (hence the early co-habitation) you have ceded control of yourself to this person.

This is also the stage where the PD individual will reveal for the first time it's true selfish ego. It will be a slow reveal but the things and people who used to be important to you will start to be eroded away.

There also will be a major swing in the PD's mood from upbeat and optimistic to dour and depressive. At this point, the empathetic self will try to soothe the depressive PD person and start the giving imbalance.

3) Testing: The testing phase is the pivotal juncture of the relationship with the PD person. One or two things will happen at this point. A person with a strong self may decide to abandon the relationship and go NC, which in return will cause an upheaval from the person with the PD. But in most cases, the non who is already invested in the relationship will continue to give to try to adjust the seemingly puzzling imbalance.  

This is also the phase where the PD individual will test the boundaries of the non with actions of total disregard. This is usually the phase when the cheating begins.

A non will now start to exhibit signs to their loved ones of trouble. People will start to notice a change in confidence and demeanor. This person will now seem to be totally preoccupied with the health of their relationship. The PDed person will try at this point to alienate the non from their support system to continue to erode their self.

4) Erosion: This is the stage where the non starts to fight back and demand that the PD holds up their end of the relationship. This is also the stage where the PD person will transfer blame on the non for the relationship becoming "not fun anymore".

The PD person may at this time have someone on the side who they will be using as a crutch as they paint their current partner black. This a time where the person with the PD will be starting to craft a story with their few friends and family about their supposedly abusive partner.

5) Monkey Branching: This is when the PD individual starts the process of total detachment. They either have a replacement in place or start aggressively searching for a new suitor. This is also the phase where the non starts to pick up on things. During this phase, things just won't be adding up anymore with the PD affected person. Schedules will be changing, and the PD person will be seemingly in a fog. They will not be communicating with you as frequently  anymore.  This is also the phase when the nons mental health falls apart. At this point, if a non has not left the relationship, they will be reduced to a paranoid shell of their former confident self.

6) Ejection: This is the final and most ruthless phase. When the PD person has secured a new source of supply they will terminate the relationship with the non.  

7) Recycle: The PD person will return when you recover and their replacement source of energy is depleted. The more narcissistic a person is the less likely they will return.

Yes yes yes. Thank you.

[apple2]

Here is my second version. I wrote the first version on my smartphone.

This is how I see the pattern

1) Targeting: The first phase of the cycle is when you first encounter the person with the psychiatric disorder. You can meet these people in all situations and walks of life. These people will come on real strong and with very few inhibitions.

The chemistry will be quite effortless.

These people like easy fixes and tend to be found on dating sites that take little effort and cost to communicate. (tinder, POF, match, religious based sites). They usually will be the aggressive and move fast to start communicating in person or via phone.

A co-dependant will be especially drawn to these people because of the inherent love bombing and constant attention. These people will seem genuine and void of games. They will put you on a pedestal and make you feel "really special". You will also start to experience a phenomenon of time distortion. It will seem like you will have known these people for ages although you may have only been talking to them for a couple of days

They will encourage things to go fast. They will push for sex and commitment almost immediately. These people also tend to gravitate towards long distance relationships. These people will want to spend a lot of time together. The reason why is that they can't stand to be alone. It's quite possible to go from not knowing these people to living together in a very short period of time.  



2) Transference: The transference stage is categorized as the boundary when you start to lose control over you strong individualistic self. In a normal relationship, this usually happens sometime after 90 days. In these relationships, this transfer happens within the first 4-6 weeks.

At this point, the PD affected person will start to show you their true self. Since they have you hooked emotionally and financially (hence the early co-habitation) you have ceded control of yourself to this person.

This is also the stage where the PD individual will reveal for the first time it's true selfish ego. It will be a slow reveal but the things and people who used to be important to you will start to be eroded away.

There also will be a major swing in the PD's mood from upbeat and optimistic to dour and depressive. At this point, the empathetic self will try to soothe the depressive PD person and start the giving imbalance.

3) Testing: The testing phase is the pivotal juncture of the relationship with the PD person. One or two things will happen at this point. A person with a strong self may decide to abandon the relationship and go NC, which in return will cause an upheaval from the person with the PD. But in most cases, the non who is already invested in the relationship will continue to give to try to adjust the seemingly puzzling imbalance.  

This is also the phase where the PD individual will test the boundaries of the non with actions of total disregard. This is usually the phase when the cheating begins.

A non will now start to exhibit signs to their loved ones of trouble. People will start to notice a change in confidence and demeanor. This person will now seem to be totally preoccupied with the health of their relationship. The PDed person will try at this point to alienate the non from their support system to continue to erode their self.

4) Erosion: This is the stage where the non starts to fight back and demand that the PD holds up their end of the relationship. This is also the stage where the PD person will transfer blame on the non for the relationship becoming "not fun anymore".

The PD person may at this time have someone on the side who they will be using as a crutch as they paint their current partner black. This a time where the person with the PD will be starting to craft a story with their few friends and family about their supposedly abusive partner.

5) Monkey Branching: This is when the PD individual starts the process of total detachment. They either have a replacement in place or start aggressively searching for a new suitor. This is also the phase where the non starts to pick up on things. During this phase, things just won't be adding up anymore with the PD affected person. Schedules will be changing, and the PD person will be seemingly in a fog. They will not be communicating with you as frequently  anymore.  This is also the phase when the nons mental health falls apart. At this point, if a non has not left the relationship, they will be reduced to a paranoid shell of their former confident self.

6) Ejection: This is the final and most ruthless phase. When the PD person has secured a new source of supply they will terminate the relationship with the non.  

7) Recycle: The PD person will return when you recover and their replacement source of energy is depleted. The more narcissistic a person is the less likely they will return.

That is the exact path. I thought he was able to love, when I heard the story of him and the "ex". However, that is because she left him at the 1/2 phase, therefore, "love" was kept. I should not forget how he went through with other "ex" GFs through the whole phases, no survivor. I need to remember this thread, never go back to the trap again.

[Infared]

Yes Jack... .this is exactly what I experienced. I was self-confident... .and very careful in the beginning... .

I know now that the behavior of my ex is a repeated pattern. I do recognize her behavior as mental illness now.

My interaction with this person was exactly as you describe in your synopsis and the being-replaced and the discard were extremely devastating to me. I have never fully recovered to the person that I was (it has been years). I am simply unable to trust another person in my life, and I therefore shun all intimacy from the opposite sex. My hurt was, too great. I have found that there are other things in life besides being in a commited relationship and I have consciously chosen to pursue other things that are fulfilling that I can dedicate time to that I never would have been able to if I was intimate with another person.

I have come to accept the emotional damage that occurred to me as a result of going through that cycle. I have pursued therapy, group therapy and self-help groups, etc. to try and heal... and I have come to a point of acceptance that I just would not risk my heart on another again. That just is not a possibility for me.

I am not trying to be negative. I am just being brutally honest and I wonder if anyone else has ended up in this state after being cycled and disposed of in one of these sick, abusive interactions?

Mine has attempted contact over the years, but I did become healthy enough to be sure that there is no more interaction of any kind with this person. it is always horrible for me... .even with no contact... .Just knowing that there is an attempt causes me great pain, but I am smart enough and strong enough to at least not allow any more abuse... .but that is the best I could do. I know that others have fared better. Thank God!

[christin5433]

It's interesting that this cycle sounds so familiar . It is too bad we all got caught in this with out knowing that this was to be the end result. The pattern hurts to read because its probably me still having fantasy and when reality is presented I get angry about this way a human being uses and disposes a person. I've lately been feeling that confidence and life come back into me. I haven't felt this for a long time . During last year in a half w ex I was so depleted and felt out of touch w a sense of being ok w myself. I feel sad for myself. My anger isn't that bad... I think they can recycle and just fall for someone and feel all that good is disturbing to me. I just think if I could just find another latch on call it love and be in love bomb that's actually a master move. I'm sure we all love that stage and it was something we all hung on to. To be able to do that Id feel so fake? I can't imagine being freshly out of a r/s and move into another . So the cycle is we the nons are screwed because we got the life of us sucked out and stomped on. And they leave w super human powers to move on and create the same dynamic w another. I think we got the raw end of the deal. I know that's my self pity talking ... .I'm laughing . Actually I'd take it the nons way  I never wanted to be a fake and a vampire when I grew up. So it's all in perspective . I will continue to heal and trust my spiritual path be kind and honest w myself . I'd rather walk wo the need to find a replacement overnight . I'd be fooling myself that I'd be that into them at this point. Good day everyone here:)