Introduction to me

[Cmaley82]

Just to introduce myself, my mother has BPD however it is not diagnosed. My mother also has OCD symptoms and she has been causing anxiety for my wife and I over the past 4 years. My wife and i got married back in November of 2012. It was very rough planning the wedding, as she was never satisfied with our decisions. Since then, we had to go no contact with her which cause a rift with both my father and my sister. My sister is also married and actually lives farther away from my family then I do. My mother has taken to blame my wife for all of the supposed changes that have taken place such as initial attempts at setting boundaries, and now going no contact with her. My father decided that I was the one being unreasonable and has stopped being in contact with me once I went no contact with my mother. I still have minor contact with my sister, but I no longer trust anything I say will remain between the two of us. The only contact that we tend to have at this point is my sister trying to guilt me into re-establishing contact with my mother. The act of going no contact with my mother was after many many long years of trying to establish boundaries which were always crossed and eventually my mother continuing to bring up very hurtful situations from back when I was in high school and how I have traumatized her. My mother was told that if she ever brought up those incidents again many times that our relationship would be over. This never stopped her from bringing these situations up every couple months when trying to prove a point how I have malicious behavior directed towards her. My mother and my family claim that she is not in the best of health at this point which appears to be constant reasons they provide for why I should reestablish contact. I myself am a mental health counselor and this is actually held against me that I should know better than to cause the family pain.  My extended family is very small and I do not have consistent contact with anyone that can be a source of reason. Thank you for allowing me to introduce myself to the group.

[clljhns]

  Cmaley82,

Glad you have found us! I am so sorry to hear about pain you are going through with your family. My mom is also an uBPD, and I have NC with any of my FOO. I get where you are coming from.  I also worked in the mental health field, and this was also wielded against me on several occasions by different family members for purposes to suit their needs, typically if I wasn't in agreement with them, they would throw at me the typical statement of "I thought you would understand! I guess having a degree in Psychology didn't help you!"

The fact that your mom brings up past issues, even after you have tried set boundaries is very typical behavior of a pwBPD. I know how difficult it is to establish and enforce boundaries, but it can be done.

Can you tell us a little about your goals? If you are looking for some information on children of parents with BPD, I would suggest that you read the articles at the top of this board. Particularly, I think I would start with FOG. The link is: https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog. You will also find many helpful articles when you select this link.

Let us know how we can help! Welcome aboard! 

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Cmaley82,

and welcome aboard!

I am sorry to hear your family has issues that are causing you pain. I would also applaud you for taking a hard step in going NC with your mother. Your boundaries are so important to uphold and the fact that your mother kept choosing not to respect  this says a good deal about her view of the r'ship. I'm sure it was a hard decision to make nevertheless I hope you have benefitted from it.

You do owe loyalty to your wife and it is not fair on her for your mother to be blaming her for the difficulties within the family, although it is a classic BPD behaviour.

Have you found things improved at all after going NC? I suppose at times it must feel sad for you as it is in a very real way a grievous loss.

Families that have disordered ones within them often have mistrustful and destabilised r/ships between the other family members. There are dynamics which produce this as you have already seen with your father's behaviour and your lack of trust in your sister.

You may get further understanding by having a look at this:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a108.htm

Also the link clljhns has posted there is excellent for gaining perspective. As she mentioned the library is really good.

Hope you will let us know what you think.

Thank you for sharing your story

Ziggiddy

[Edgewood]

Hi Cmaley82,

I'm glad you found people who understand here. 

I don't have answers but I sure can relate to your experience.  I find it easier to deal with my uBPD mother and sister than with the family members who insist that I am  "obligated" to them.  To get relief, you really have to accept that you will likely always be judged by those who don't understand.