How do know if WE were not the replacement?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

How do know if WE were not the replacement? Is there any way of telling?

[JRT]

How do know if WE were not the replacement? Is there any way of telling?

[rlhmm]

jrt, um... .we were replacements, if there was somebody before us... .not sure what ya mean friend 

[fromheeltoheal]

Everyone's different, but my ex had many, many, many ex boyfriends and husbands, it was a flow-through system where the cycles of the disorder just continued to repeat, and she's gotten left far more than she's done the leaving, except for the cheating, so her behaviors that came out of fear of abandonment at it's core ended up being a self-fulfilling prophesy.  So I was the new shiny object at one point, her most recent boyfriend 'hated' her and did 'heinous' things, and I'm sure I was followed by the next shiny object.  Take the lessons from our time spent in BPD school and move on; everything happens for a reason.

[JRT]

I have a different understanding of a replacement. Correct me if I am wrong but a replacement is one that does not necessarily possess the r/s criteria as the one that came before but serves to satisfy an assuaging need for the pwBPD. As I understand them, there was someone who truly was special to them in a romantic context that but their PD served to sabotage the r/s to the extent that it fails. I think that for the rest of the world the ancillary is a 'rebound'.

[paperlung]

I replaced the guy before me. She broke up with him and then was back on POF. I messaged her one day and the rest is history. She said she never really loved him, though. That he was a rebound after she got dumped by this other guy she had been dating for 3 months.

[rlhmm]

Everyone's different, but my ex had many, many, many ex boyfriends and husbands, it was a flow-through system where the cycles of the disorder just continued to repeat, and she's gotten left far more than she's done the leaving, except for the cheating, so her behaviors that came out of fear of abandonment at it's core ended up being a self-fulfilling prophesy.  So I was the new shiny object at one point, her most recent boyfriend 'hated' her and did 'heinous' things, and I'm sure I was followed by the next shiny object.  Take the lessons from our time spent in BPD school and move on; everything happens for a reason.

 i was under the assumption, that like what fromheeltoheal said the next "shiny object" qualified as a replacement and right on down the line... .we were no more special than the one before or after us... .correct?

[fromheeltoheal]

we were no more special than the one before or after us... .correct?

It depends where you are in the cycle.  During the idealization phase you are the most awesome man in the universe, the savior, the one who makes her whole, the one she's been waiting for her whole life.  Until you're not.  And after that you're the scumbag that is the cause of all her strife.  And you never changed.  But can you imagine how disappointing that must be to someone who sees in black and white and lives in fantasy?  So how does she deal with disappointment?  Start over, next shiny object... .

[rlhmm]

we were no more special than the one before or after us... .correct?

It depends where you are in the cycle.  During the idealization phase you are the most awesome man in the universe, the savior, the one who makes her whole, the one she's been waiting for her whole life.  Until you're not.  And after that you're the scumbag that is the cause of all her strife.  And you never changed.  But can you imagine how disappointing that must be to someone who sees in black and white and lives in fantasy?  So how does she deal with disappointment?  Start over, next shiny object... .

precisely, ie replacement, ie rebound. whatever label you wanna slap on it. NEXT!

[JRT]

we were no more special than the one before or after us... .correct?

It depends where you are in the cycle.  During the idealization phase you are the most awesome man in the universe, the savior, the one who makes her whole, the one she's been waiting for her whole life.  Until you're not.  And after that you're the scumbag that is the cause of all her strife.  And you never changed.  But can you imagine how disappointing that must be to someone who sees in black and white and lives in fantasy?  So how does she deal with disappointment?  Start over, next shiny object... .

precisely, ie replacement, ie rebound. whatever label you wanna slap on it. NEXT!

I was not a rebound (as far as I know). Mine is a waif/hermit... .she drops off the radar and really doesn't date in between serious relationships. Her son is her supply and she rages at him ceaselessly. 

[eyvindr]

Jesus. This gd disease is so sad.

I was not a rebound (as far as I know). Mine is a waif/hermit... .she drops off the radar and really doesn't date in between serious relationships. Her son is her supply and she rages at him ceaselessly. 

[Suzn]

Correct me if I am wrong but a replacement is one that does not necessarily possess the r/s criteria as the one that came before but serves to satisfy an assuaging need for the pwBPD.

Can you elaborate on the r/s criteria? I ask because there's some accurate information on those attracted to and those who stay involved with a pwBPD.

I think that for the rest of the world the ancillary is a 'rebound'.

This is probably pretty spot on. I would say it's deeper than romantic relationships. It includes all interpersonal relationships. "Replacement" would stem back to childhood needs. However, replacement has always been the term used here for a rebound type r/s. As far as I know anyway.

[christin5433]

Mine left her marriage in 10 min. Ten years and went w me ? I was so love bombed I couldn't see what was happening ... I was falling just as fast as she was dishing it out. Shoot I didn't even know she was married she never even mentioned the guy ?

It's a crack up now because I know what happen but then I let her run the show, I thought she was a strong person w determination. I didn't even know what hit me. So if some of you have been replaced dont get mad at the replacement they are just innocent bystanders ... .It's like being a bare Christmas tree. Then there u are and a pretty face w a box full of lights and ornaments comes into your life. She places all these colorful lights and ornaments all over your natural features . Then plugs it in to the wall and your all lit up!

How does a blind fool even see. They are masters at there way to forfill their need. She was talking to me 24/7 two weeks before she left I tfigured the guy she was with wasn't even present?

So I guess I was a replacement ... .We lasted almost 4 years ... .I was all up in her stuff because when she was off I had a part of me curious if shed do that to me?

So get this the ex husband she left re married the gal of his dreams good for him. But the poor fellow blamed this all on me along w my ex like she was a poor manipulated victim ... .If he only knew she grabbed me up. I'm a slow processor not a fast mover. I only moved fast w her because she directed me.

[JRT]

Can you elaborate on the r/s criteria? I ask because there's some accurate information on those attracted to and those who stay involved with a pwBPD.[/quote]
I wish that I could... .it is more what I have gathered from reading various accounts here.

[fromheeltoheal]

A rebound is a relationship someone enters into when they're not yet over one that ended, in the hope of it helping them get over the last one.  If the person is open and honest about it there's no problem, since whomever they hook up with is aware of what's going on and it's probably obvious anyway.

Borderlines are focused on attachments, someone to psychically fuse with to become whole, since they have an unstable and undeveloped 'self' of their own, and can literally feel they cease to exist without an attachment.  Contrast that with a Jerry McGuire "you complete me" sentiment, which can be healthy and romantic; this is an unhealthy fusing of psyches to create one person out of two, not two autonomous individuals coupling up yet retaining their individuality.  So when we say replacement we mean replacement attachment.

[Suzn]

A rebound is a relationship someone enters into when they're not yet over one that ended, in the hope of it helping them get over the last one.  If the person is open and honest about it there's no problem, since whomever they hook up with is aware of what's going on and it's probably obvious anyway.

Borderlines are focused on attachments, someone to psychically fuse with to become whole, since they have an unstable and undeveloped 'self' of their own, and can literally feel they cease to exist without an attachment.  Contrast that with a Jerry McGuire "you complete me" sentiment, which can be healthy and romantic; this is an unhealthy fusing of psyches to create one person out of two, not two autonomous individuals coupling up yet retaining their individuality.  So when we say replacement we mean replacement attachment.

Well said.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

I was told that i am an "upgrade" from her previous BF.

A dream come true.

Only to find out I was being played like a Steinway piano.

[Perfidy]

Unless you have a special place in her life, and even if it wasn't that special, you are the replacement. But for what? In the case of BPD, you will be a replacement for a parent. That's why you felt like you were taking care of a child. Codependency is pale in comparison even if you are codependent, which seems to be a common trait among nons.

[fromheeltoheal]

I was told that i am an "upgrade" from her previous BF.

A dream come true.

And you were during the idealization stage, as was he in that stage.  And as the disorder goes through it's stages, you were both devalued, and whoever replaced you was the new 'upgrade'.  For a time.  It's easy to assign malicious intent to borderlines, and some of them are, but most likely the behaviors are a response to a constant fear of abandonment, and plenty of references to confirm that fear since they've probably been left more than once, and couple that with a borderline's belief that they aren't 'good enough' just the way they are and they will 'work it' to make sure you don't leave.  Which has the unfortunate consequence of forcing you to leave, or they sense that you will and leave you first.  Another disappointment in a long string for the borderline; the disorder is the only winner, everyone involved loses.

[apollotech]

We were all replacements. The only ones that weren't replacements were the very first ones, the beginners.

[fromheeltoheal]

We were all replacements. The only ones that weren't replacements were the very first ones, the beginners.

Those were replacements too, for the caregiver they never successfully detached from in infancy, the situation that created the disorder to begin with.

[Perfidy]

A replacement for the void that has logical or possible means of solution.

[Perfidy]

There isn't one.

[JRT]

Borderlines are focused on attachments, someone to psychically fuse with to become whole, since they have an unstable and undeveloped 'self' of their own, and can literally feel they cease to exist without an attachment.  Contrast that with a Jerry McGuire "you complete me" sentiment, which can be healthy and romantic; this is an unhealthy fusing of psyches to create one person out of two, not two autonomous individuals coupling up yet retaining their individuality.  So when we say replacement we mean replacement attachment.

I really had a an 'ah ha!' moment with this statement. It was an unanswered question to me regarding some usual behavior by my ex to her family and friends when we got together. She always went on and on about my accomplishments and my hobbies (I have a few that I take pretty seriously). She would bring them up in a most unusual way when we saw her family and friends (it also included places we went to and things that we did, especially if they were unique). It was clear that she was selling herself and bragging a bit but though she would say 'JRT, did this or had this happen', it would be related in a tone and body language almost as if it were HER accomplishment and such.

Now I see why... .where clearly these were things that she shared with people to validate her, there were things that she took some sense of ownership by virtue of her fusion to me. These were now HER accomplishments and HER experiences. Might also explain why she was serious to, for example, learn my family's language (I am first generation American) when even I don't speak it any longer.

She otherwise had no real interests, hobbies, experiences, etc other than survival. She recalled few memories if any; no funny stories from her past, triumphs, disappointments... .we never looked at old pictures or yearbooks... .there were no friends of hers to go out with, we went out with mine. And when we did, she clearly ignored them. This has been quite the epiphany for me: there was clearly very little that defined this woman at all. Might not be the kindest of an analogy, but they are in this respect parasitic.

It also explains how, ate least with her, a sense of engulfment is inevitable.

[fromheeltoheal]

Parasite is fairly accurate JR, especially when you consider a borderline attachment is a replaying of that earliest attachment to their primary caregiver that a borderline never successfully detached from, the situation that created the disorder to begin with.  What is a baby to its mother if not a parasite, it fits the description exactly.

[downnout98]

 I can see how I was the replacement to her ex husband. For a while I could do no wrong compared to him.  Now I am replaced and the new guy probably doesn't know what is happening to him.

[christin5433]

Parasite to a host -A parasitic relationship is one in which one organism, the parasite, lives off of another organism, the host, harming it and possibly causing death. The parasite lives on or in the body of the host. A few examples of parasites are tapeworms, fleas, and barnacles.

Parasitic Relationships

[nowwhatz]

yeah I think in the normal dating world like you said the ancillary word is "rebound."  Before I began my misadventures with the BPD vampire gf  I had normal breakups and sometimes rebound relationships.

Come to think of it the r/s with the exBPDgf was off the "rebound."  But to help try to answer your question during the many, many recycles I replaced my replacements several times... .including her ex-husband twice.   I was always "the only person who ever truly loved her" something she may believe for the rest of her life.

At this very moment I have no doubt she is working hard to latch on to a replacement and there will be additional attempts by her to get me back. Whether we are the replacement or replacing replacements we can never replace whatever it is they never had but always needed.

[Infared]

We were all replacements. The only ones that weren't replacements were the very first ones, the beginners.

Those were replacements too, for the caregiver they never successfully detached from in infancy, the situation that created the disorder to begin with.

I resemble that remark! 

[misty_red]

Yep, I'd say we were all replacements. First of all: pwBPD are looking for unconditional love, the love only parents can give so since the moment they live they are looking for that. So everyone was/is a replacement. When it comes to my exBPDgf it was like that: she is a hermit-witch and had very few relationships, the last before me she had had two years ago but until the day we got together she held on him in some way. She hated him, resent him and the funny thing is, she even met him when we were out with our team partying (he was a former team mate and left the team some time ago). She raged at him, I saw all of that, told me afterwards how she hated him and what an ___hole he was. And then there was me. Poof. The longing for him gone. I think they hold on to their last ex partner until there's someone new and it doesn't matter how long they've been broken up. So yeah, we were/are all replacements because the pwBPD are looking for that special kind of love no one could provide so far.

[Deeno02]

I replaced her husband. Now Ive been replaced by her old college buddy. Nuff said.