Why we are so bitter towards them if they are mentally ill?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

I have posted a while ago on the "staying" board with some background of my story. Since my question is of a general nature, it will not be necessary to share a long story with you.  As you can see, I am posting now on the "leaving" board, and the reason is that I have been bouncing between the two back and forth as I really don't know what to do. Sometimes I am in a relatively healthy mental state so I go to the staying one, and other times I am a mess so I come here. But from what I have been reading I felt that we all tend to have this bitterness towards our BPD loved ones, and we certainly are trapped in the victim role.  If we are mentally healthy and understand our partner, why we are doing the blaming and finger pointing if our partner is mentally ill?  I doubt they are capable of understanding what they are doing and its impact on the people around you.  I would be interested in your intake on this.  Thanks.

[White_Lily]

Hi all,

I have posted a while ago on the "staying" board with some background of my story. Since my question is of a general nature, it will not be necessary to share a long story with you.  As you can see, I am posting now on the "leaving" board, and the reason is that I have been bouncing between the two back and forth as I really don't know what to do. Sometimes I am in a relatively healthy mental state so I go to the staying one, and other times I am a mess so I come here. But from what I have been reading I felt that we all tend to have this bitterness towards our BPD loved ones, and we certainly are trapped in the victim role.  If we are mentally healthy and understand our partner, why we are doing the blaming and finger pointing if our partner is mentally ill?  I doubt they are capable of understanding what they are doing and its impact on the people around you.  I would be interested in your intake on this.  Thanks.

[CloseToFreedom]

Because they are still responsible for how they treat us. But you are right, we also have to look at ourselves, and I think most of us are anything BUT mentally healthy. What makes us stay with someone that needs a parent instead of a lover?

[christin5433]

Hi I agree the bitterness is not a good thing to feel towards anyone I've struggled hard w this and have prayed on a daily basis to try to forgive. I help others to get out of myself and try to read my spiritual books to let go of the anger ... .The thing is years of someone cussing harmful words , hitting , never finding resolve , blaming everything on you , cussing more, telling you many negative things , telling others and getting people to gang up in u, ruining a Christmas and b/u w u and the kids and a family , I can go on and on ... .Can make anyone feel like they are worthless and rejected. I mean my ex even went to the extent of telling me No one loves me not even your son. Bitterness and sweeteness... .I have been recovering I taste some sweetness in my change in myself. I'm not all she said that's called projection and abuse . No apology either for all . So moving into more light is my path . But bitterness is hurt really so it's a process ... .We learn alot here if you don't stay in the problem

[CloseToFreedom]

Yeah it is important to not keep hanging in the bitterness. You have to let it go someday, it is not healthy.

[Suzn]

Hello white Lily. You have a good question. A lot of members find us after their relationship ends, angry and hurting and they are trying to make sense of BPD behaviors prior to knowing about the existence of BPD itself. Certainly not understanding the depth of the disorder.

The leaving board is for members who are detaching emotionally, anger is a step in the detachment process. It's all part of grieving.

Victim mentality has to be recognized before one can work to make healthy changes. Our role in these relationships, as we all play a role, is often unknown to newer members.

[fromheeltoheal]

If we are mentally healthy and understand our partner, why we are doing the blaming and finger pointing if our partner is mentally ill?

Mental health and mental illness are relative terms, and one area of growth for us is looking at our own "health", since mentally healthy people would not have ignored all the red flags and gotten as deeply enmeshed with a "mentally ill" person as many of us did.  Plus, the traits of the disorder are on a continuum with most of us exhibiting some of them at least some of the time, and once we hang out with someone who exhibits a lot of them a lot of the time, we can "inherit" those traits, at least for a time, along with reactions to abuse including PTSD or whatever.  So sometimes it's helpful to broaden our definitions of "healthy" and "ill".

Anyway.  Blaming and finger pointing have somewhat negative connotations, but even though someone is "mentally ill", they are still responsible for their actions, and holding someone accountable for those actions is appropriate.  And then there's anger, a normal, healthy response to abuse and disrespect, and we can end up very angry once these relationships end, and stoop to the blaming and finger pointing as a purging as we heal.  With time we may develop a more realistic, balanced view of our own and our exes "mental health", but it takes what it takes.  Take care of you!

[downwhim]

Thanks, fromheeltoheal, that was excellent. We are all in the grieving process. We are all at different stages and one of those is anger. We loved a person with a mental illness. Most of us did not know there was such an illness. Living with a person with borderline personality disorder was new to us. We were trying to make the relationship work having no idea what type of person or issues we had in front of us.

We thought love would work it's way through. We though our if we just keep trying all would be ok. Our love would grow. We were 100% wrong. Instead we were mentally and some physically abused. Our relationships continued downhill instead of progressing and moving forward. We were raged at during times of peace for no reason. ALL OF THIS TAKES A TOLL ON US.

The leaving board is to grow and heal from what we have all experienced. It is here for support to share our stories with the hopes of having learned and moving on to a healthier relationship.

I do not consider myself bitter or uncompassionate toward his illness.

[christin5433]

If we are mentally healthy and understand our partner, why we are doing the blaming and finger pointing if our partner is mentally ill?

Mental health and mental illness are relative terms, and one area of growth for us is looking at our own "health", since mentally healthy people would not have ignored all the red flags and gotten as deeply enmeshed with a "mentally ill" person as many of us did.  Plus, the traits of the disorder are on a continuum with most of us exhibiting some of them at least some of the time, and once we hang out with someone who exhibits a lot of them a lot of the time, we can "inherit" those traits, at least for a time, along with reactions to abuse including PTSD or whatever.  So sometimes it's helpful to broaden our definitions of "healthy" and "ill".

Anyway.  Blaming and finger pointing have somewhat negative connotations, but even though someone is "mentally ill", they are still responsible for their actions, and holding someone accountable for those actions is appropriate.  And then there's anger, a normal, healthy response to abuse and disrespect, and we can end up very angry once these relationships end, and stoop to the blaming and finger pointing as a purging as we heal.  With time we may develop a more realistic, balanced view of our own and our exes "mental health", but it takes what it takes.  Take care of you!

Thank you so much well said! I never like to point the finger because I have 3 pointing back at me. I need to share my crazy and find my resolve. I have held in my stuff to preserve my past r/s and this forum has helped so much in first off gaining insight , finding common ground, and also in getting empathy a quality I never received in my past r/s. I know I'm accountable for my actions and I believe when we do deal w a mentally ill person we must learn how to find peace in ourselves during the aftermath that its thier stuff and we can't fix it. Most of us and I only speak for myself became caretakers to this abuse and loved these sick people flawed and all. And then we became sick too because we are human and we can't really fix thier demons they have in them. They have to find their accountability too .

[christin5433]

I am not bitter or a victim. Honestly I'm scared of my ex. She hurts me when I deal w her. I need to keep myself and my daughter from here on out safe from any more abuse. In this I pray for my ex for ALL happiness. I had seen and gone through enough . Do I still feel a attachment I do. These r/s have a certain hold. It's a work in progress .

[Invictus01]

Maybe because I only deal with her 6 months, I am not too horribly bitter. I think my friends are more pissed at how she treated me than I am but they don't or simply refuse to understand where she is mentally. Towards the end of our relationship, when she was almost gone, she went on a two week long drinking bender - happy hours, parties, etc. That was pretty out of character for her (or at least the character I knew) I knew she went out one night so the next day I jokingly text'd her and asked how bad her head hurt. And she replied without smilies or anything - "My whole life hurts" I think that is punishment enough. Because one day I will get over her and this whole thing and my life will be alright. Hers, not so much.

[downwhim]

Yes, white-lily, what is offered on the leaving board is empathy. We have all been through enough. We have been devalued, yelled at, hit, pushed/pulled, painted black, humiliated, dumped, dragged through hell and back. Some of us even with our children.

In my opinion the very last thing we need as we continue to learn, grow and heal is to be shamed and judged.

[White_Lily]

Thank you all for your wonderful insights.  It is becoming clearer to me that most people here are trying to heal up, so the bitterness, anger and all this stuff is part of the healing process. You have made a great contributions, which I am highlighting them here, so please keep your insights coming. Personally, positive reflections like yours will help me heal up. I don't think I can drag the negative anymore, it is just making me sick.

“What makes us stay with someone that needs a parent instead of a lover?”

“We learn a lot here if you don't stay in the problem”

“Victim mentality has to be recognized before one can work to make healthy changes”

“One area of growth for us is looking at our own "health", since mentally healthy people would not have ignored all the red flags and gotten as deeply enmeshed with a "mentally ill" person as many of us did”

“We are all in the grieving process. We are all at different stages and one of those is anger. We loved a person with a mental illness. Most of us did not know there was such an illness.”

“Because one day I will get over her and this whole thing and my life will be alright. Hers, not so much.”

“what is offered on the leaving board is empathy. We have all been through enough.”

[downwhim]

You got it 

[enlighten me]

I think theres a number of reasons.

1 Human nature. If someone hurts us we want to hurt them.

2 we dont want to point the finger at ourselves for allowing it to happen.

3 We forget they are mentally ill as there behaviour isnt always crazy. We swing between being certain they are ill and not being sure they are.

[jhkbuzz]

Hi all,

I have posted a while ago on the "staying" board with some background of my story. Since my question is of a general nature, it will not be necessary to share a long story with you.  As you can see, I am posting now on the "leaving" board, and the reason is that I have been bouncing between the two back and forth as I really don't know what to do. Sometimes I am in a relatively healthy mental state so I go to the staying one, and other times I am a mess so I come here. But from what I have been reading I felt that we all tend to have this bitterness towards our BPD loved ones, and we certainly are trapped in the victim role.  If we are mentally healthy and understand our partner, why we are doing the blaming and finger pointing if our partner is mentally ill?  I doubt they are capable of understanding what they are doing and its impact on the people around you.  I would be interested in your intake on this.  Thanks.

Keep in mind, many of us have been dealing with hurtful behaviors for YEARS - without the understanding that mental illness was involved. Many of twisted ourselves inside out while trying to make the r/s work - only to have the final blow be so devastating that there was no way to remain.

So I think that some of the victimization / anger you see (and that I've contributed) to these boards is borne of a tremendous amount of pain - a level of pain that most of us have never experienced before.  Over time, I think the realization that our SO's were mentally ill sinks in, and the pain and anger lessens as we begin to process through the experience.  But it can take months to get there.

The other day I had a full five minutes of radical acceptance.  Of really seeing, without anger or victimization, that my ex is who she is, not who I want her to be. That perhaps I could have it in me to "love her" from afar, as the terribly damaged person she is, and not take what she did personally.  I really felt it, for about five minutes.  It was truly liberating. There was no more pain, no more anger... .and I really felt for her in her illness, without any desire to try to 'save her.'

But I've lost it again... .my own wishes, hopes, dreams sometimes creep back in and I feel hurt, abandoned, unloved... .that's where the "victimization" comes in.  After all, there were two people in the r/s - and I'm still dealing with the loss of someone whom I loved very much, and who hurt me very badly.  It takes time to recover from that.

[downwhim]

I too have seconds of clarity. I think, I need to forgive him, he needs to be happy, he is ill and I need to deal with being alone. Then it all comes back at me like a wave of emotion and I feel the pain... .time is what it will take. No quick pill... .

[White_Lily]

These moments of clarity, while short, are very important in the healing process. The objective is to prolong them so we are at peace with ourselves, specifically forgiving ourselves from ignoring the , and of course at peace with our partners. I always thought there must be something bigger lining up for us going this traumatic experience, but it is always easier said than done.  To accept that we went through all this to grow! If you believe in Karma, I surely hope this will be the end of the karmic cycle of emotional destruction for all of us.

[jhkbuzz]

These moments of clarity, while short, are very important in the healing process. The objective is to prolong them so we are at peace with ourselves, specifically forgiving ourselves from ignoring the , and of course at peace with our partners. I always thought there must be something bigger lining up for us going this traumatic experience, but it is always easier said than done.  To accept that we went through all this to grow! If you believe in Karma, I surely hope this will be the end of the karmic cycle of emotional destruction for all of us.

My goal is detached compassion - which is exactly what I felt for those 5 minutes.  You bet I'm working towards that on a more permanent basis!

[christin5433]

These moments of clarity, while short, are very important in the healing process. The objective is to prolong them so we are at peace with ourselves, specifically forgiving ourselves from ignoring the , and of course at peace with our partners. I always thought there must be something bigger lining up for us going this traumatic experience, but it is always easier said than done.  To accept that we went through all this to grow! If you believe in Karma, I surely hope this will be the end of the karmic cycle of emotional destruction for all of us.

My goal is detached compassion - which is exactly what I felt for those 5 minutes.  You bet I'm working towards that on a more permanent basis!

Thanks I'm going to try the 5 minutes of detach w compassion. Good stuff

[raisins3142]

But from what I have been reading I felt that we all tend to have this bitterness towards our BPD loved ones, and we certainly are trapped in the victim role. 

I would be careful about generalizing too much.  This is probably not the best post to point it out in, but it somewhat bothers me when folks use unqualified plural pronouns (we, etc).  I say this because I don't like when people speak for me or include me in their self assessments and it might not be helping thought processes. I'm reticent to bring this up because it is not wholehearted support of what you said.   People come here for support, but I also like someone to tell me what they honestly think but in a nice way.

Just because someone is still mad when they think of it or are reminded does not make them a victim.  The victim/non-victim binary is a bit too crisp.  An extreme example, a father still bristles 20 years later and expresses angry words toward a drunk driver that killed his daughter.  Is he still in a victim mindset because of this?  I would not think they were victims and sometimes having some bitterness is unavoidable.  I think it is the degrees and how it affects you.  I am not the type that thinks it is natural or even desirable to totally forgive someone for doing something like killing your child.  Of course, we deal with a lesser hurt, usually, but I point out the extremes to clarify.  Humans are animals.  I will not attempt to twist what every part of my more primitive brain parts suggest.  It is stressful and unnatural for me.

So why do I still have bitterness toward a nut job?  For me, it is partly natural.  Let's say an inanimate object hurt me.  I could still personalize it a bit and feel "mad" at a car let's say.  It is hardwired into us to see intention in nature, even where there obviously is none.  That is where that emotion can come from, I think.  Also, if the ill person was just totally out of it and really could not make decisions, then it would be easier.  But here you have someone that can drive a car, hold down a tough job, and seems to make choices all the time.  And the reality is that they could have gotten treatment or made better choices.  And they did not.

This partially gets into thoughts around free will.  Does the illness remove free will or so change it that it is not free will?  Can we have free will at all, any of us?  This might sound abstract, but I think is at the heart of all this.  My answer is: what most philosophers say about free will and how they frame it is silly.  The person with BPD is their body (both brain and non-brain structure and function) in a very, very real sense.  If your brain makes a decision that causes you to hurt someone, then YOU did it because your brain is a big part of what "you" is.  Now, start with a super functioning human and how much you hold them responsible for what they do and so how much bitterness they can engender by wrong deeds.  Have them do an action, evaluate it on "bitterness" scale.  Now, take a small "slice" off their functionality, re-evaluate.  At some point we pass from "can hold them responsible" to "cannot".  Despite their being a gradient in mental functioning there are still useful categories (competent and incompetent perhaps), just as "bald" and "not bald" are useful terms despite baldness being accomplished 1 hair lost at a time (see continuum or bald man fallacy).

I feel that my ex with BPD falls in the "competent" category more than the "incompetent" category.  She could have gotten therapy.  She did not lie all the time, so she can refrain from it.  She treats her friends better than me.  Therefore, she is a decision making, moral agent in my eyes.  Just as Ted Bundy (with antisocial PD most likely) is not let off the hook for what he did.

[jhkbuzz]

These moments of clarity, while short, are very important in the healing process. The objective is to prolong them so we are at peace with ourselves, specifically forgiving ourselves from ignoring the , and of course at peace with our partners. I always thought there must be something bigger lining up for us going this traumatic experience, but it is always easier said than done.  To accept that we went through all this to grow! If you believe in Karma, I surely hope this will be the end of the karmic cycle of emotional destruction for all of us.

My goal is detached compassion - which is exactly what I felt for those 5 minutes.  You bet I'm working towards that on a more permanent basis!

Thanks I'm going to try the 5 minutes of detach w compassion. Good stuff

Funny thing is that I didn't "try" - it just washed over me.

Not to say that I haven't been working on my healing... .I have.

It sort of reminded me of the day that I realized my parents were just people. Just two human beings that happened to give birth to me.  Not special, just human, with needs and flaws and the whole nine yards. That day I felt my eyes open, and I looked at them in a way that I had never experienced before.

I felt that with my ex for those 5 minutes... .I think because (for whatever reason) I detached her life from mine - and really just thought about her, in her totality - good and bad - without thinking about her in relation to my life and everything that happened in our relationship.

It was freeing.

[Pingo]

But from what I have been reading I felt that we all tend to have this bitterness towards our BPD loved ones, and we certainly are trapped in the victim role. 

I would be careful about generalizing too much.  This is probably not the best post to point it out in, but it somewhat bothers me when folks use unqualified plural pronouns (we, etc).  I say this because I don't like when people speak for me or include me in their self assessments and it might not be helping thought processes. I'm reticent to bring this up because it is not wholehearted support of what you said.   People come here for support, but I also like someone to tell me what they honestly think but in a nice way.

Just because someone is still mad when they think of it or are reminded does not make them a victim.  The victim/non-victim binary is a bit too crisp.  An extreme example, a father still bristles 20 years later and expresses angry words toward a drunk driver that killed his daughter.  Is he still in a victim mindset because of this?  I would not think they were victims and sometimes having some bitterness is unavoidable.  I think it is the degrees and how it affects you.  I am not the type that thinks it is natural or even desirable to totally forgive someone for doing something like killing your child.  Of course, we deal with a lesser hurt, usually, but I point out the extremes to clarify.  Humans are animals.  I will not attempt to twist what every part of my more primitive brain parts suggest.  It is stressful and unnatural for me.

There is a difference between being a victim and a 'victim mentality' or 'victim role'... .many of us ARE victims. Many of us have been abused. None of us asked to be abused. Recognising this doesn't put us in a 'victim role'. It means we are getting real, acknowledging what we've been through and working towards healing.

Also, BPD is a personality disorder. It doesn't exempt people from being responsible for their actions. Yes we can gain compassion for their experience but it doesn't mean they are excused from the abuse they inflicted on us. And since most will not ever show any accountability, we are left with unanswered questions and a lot of anger. I think this is very reasonable.

[White_Lily]

The intention was certainly not to generalize, but I found that most people, including myself, are very sad, angry, wounded and all this. We want to share our stories and experiences and support each other, which is extremely helpful, but where do we go from here? How do we get out of the cycle of pain? Of course a pwPBD should be responsible for his/her actions, but to a what degree given their illness? Without empathy, moments of compassion or clarity, letting go of the victim mentality, the healing process would be challenging.

[christin5433]

The intention was certainly not to generalize, but I found that most people, including myself, are very sad, angry, wounded and all this. We want to share our stories and experiences and support each other, which is extremely helpful, but where do we go from here? How do we get out of the cycle of pain? Of course a pwPBD should be responsible for his/her actions, but to a what degree given their illness? Without empathy, moments of compassion or clarity, letting go of the victim mentality, the healing process would be challenging.

I asked myself the same thing about a month ago. I went into great recovery doing all the right things. Meditating praying being in my feelings. And it can't be FORCED.

Time and change In ones thinking. If we could all turn this off and say get no more victim and lets forgive now. It would be a empty forum here. Time and letting each and every individual here process at there pace. I guess it's like faith without works is dead. You have to put in some work and changes... .

[fromheeltoheal]

where do we go from here? How do we get out of the cycle of pain?

By focusing on your own needs.  That can be called selfish, but focusing on yourself is mandatory; if we don't take care of ourselves first we have nothing to give those we choose to give to.  Think about the flight attendant's announcement on an airplane: "in case of emergency put your oxygen mask on first and then take care of your children and others."  There's a reason for that.  And then, depending on the details of the relationship, if we were abused, disrespected, devalued, common around here, a lot of emotions that were repressed or denied are going to come up, and the only way out is through; no going around, over or bouncing off those emotions, we need to go through them and feel them all the way.  There's sunshine on the other side.  And once we do that we may end up having some compassion for our exes, I do for mine because her life is a living hell and she can't fix it, but that only comes about by taking care of ourselves first.

Of course a pwPBD should be responsible for his/her actions, but to a what degree given their illness?

The entire degree, which can be the good news.  Just like an alcoholic needs to hit bottom before they're open to getting help, if a borderline feels enough pain they may seek the right kind of help.  There is no cure for BPD but there are therapies that make life a lot more manageable.

Human relationships are complex, and I like simple.  What if there are two kinds of people, the ones who bring us up and the ones who bring us down.  Then the way to enrich our lives is to remove the folks who bring us down and add ones who bring us up; which side of that fence is your ex on?

[raisins3142]

The intention was certainly not to generalize, but I found that most people, including myself, are very sad, angry, wounded and all this. We want to share our stories and experiences and support each other, which is extremely helpful, but where do we go from here? How do we get out of the cycle of pain? Of course a pwPBD should be responsible for his/her actions, but to a what degree given their illness? Without empathy, moments of compassion or clarity, letting go of the victim mentality, the healing process would be challenging.

Thank you for taking my post in the spirit in which it was intended.

I think this varies based upon the case.  My ex was currently a high functioning BPD and she had some self awareness (she told me things like "I expect this relationship to not last because of my past record and my tendency to sabotage relationships" among other things).

The concept of level of responsibility is a weird one and for me hinges somewhat upon your ability to choose differently and accurately evaluate the impact of your choices on yourself and others.  I would be more guilty of lying if I lied than would my ex because I did not have the poor upbringing and maelstrom of unquenchable need compelling me to act.  Still, it is like drunk driving again, perhaps.  Let's say you get so drunk that you can't adequately judge whether you should drive and also can't drive.  Well, your first mistake was taking a drink where the opportunity to drive existed, if you know what alcohol does to you.  If the BPD is self aware at all and knows what they do in relationships somewhat, they are guilty at the very start for engaging in a relationship prior to getting treatment of some kind that helps the issue.  Getting into a relationship in their state is like drinking when drinking leads to driving while drunk.

As far as where I'm going from the pain.  I'm trying to accept it, move on, and know that I did not deserve it and can no longer be hurt by her directly.  And then work on myself and do things I enjoy.  My anger has drastically reduced over time.  But my case was minor (6 month relationship with enough but only average craziness), so perhaps I am getting over the anger and bitterness more quickly.

[nowwhatz]

If we are mentally healthy and understand our partner, why we are doing the blaming and finger pointing if our partner is mentally ill?

Mental health and mental illness are relative terms, and one area of growth for us is looking at our own "health", since mentally healthy people would not have ignored all the red flags and gotten as deeply enmeshed with a "mentally ill" person as many of us did.  Plus, the traits of the disorder are on a continuum with most of us exhibiting some of them at least some of the time, and once we hang out with someone who exhibits a lot of them a lot of the time, we can "inherit" those traits, at least for a time, along with reactions to abuse including PTSD or whatever.  So sometimes it's helpful to broaden our definitions of "healthy" and "ill".

Anyway.  Blaming and finger pointing have somewhat negative connotations, but even though someone is "mentally ill", they are still responsible for their actions, and holding someone accountable for those actions is appropriate.  And then there's anger, a normal, healthy response to abuse and disrespect, and we can end up very angry once these relationships end, and stoop to the blaming and finger pointing as a purging as we heal.  With time we may develop a more realistic, balanced view of our own and our exes "mental health", but it takes what it takes.  Take care of you!

Wow. This is awesome! You nailed it.  As one struggling with resentment for how I was treated by this clearly mentally ill person your words are very helpful.

[HappyNihilist]

If we are mentally healthy and understand our partner, why we are doing the blaming and finger pointing if our partner is mentally ill?

Mental health and mental illness are relative terms, and one area of growth for us is looking at our own "health", since mentally healthy people would not have ignored all the red flags and gotten as deeply enmeshed with a "mentally ill" person as many of us did.  Plus, the traits of the disorder are on a continuum with most of us exhibiting some of them at least some of the time, and once we hang out with someone who exhibits a lot of them a lot of the time, we can "inherit" those traits, at least for a time, along with reactions to abuse including PTSD or whatever.  So sometimes it's helpful to broaden our definitions of "healthy" and "ill".

^ This.

I have my own struggles with mental illness (depression, anxiety disorders). And I'm certainly not a shining example of great mental health right now. I'm still grieving, detaching, processing through debris, working on my own stuff and addressing my core wounds, shaking off borderline and narc "fleas," dealing with abuse triggers, etc.

I was unhealthy in a different way before the relationship. And, while that became strikingly obvious to me shortly after the breakup, making the necessary changes is still slow work. It's a process.

We can't expect to be healthy, detached, and accepting in a short time. At the same time, we shouldn't stay mired in our misery and bitterness, either. There's a lot of middle ground there, and as long as we're steadily making progress towards healthiness and detachment, it's only human to expect some steps backwards, too.

Blaming and finger pointing have somewhat negative connotations, but even though someone is "mentally ill", they are still responsible for their actions, and holding someone accountable for those actions is appropriate.  And then there's anger, a normal, healthy response to abuse and disrespect, and we can end up very angry once these relationships end, and stoop to the blaming and finger pointing as a purging as we heal.  With time we may develop a more realistic, balanced view of our own and our exes "mental health", but it takes what it takes.  Take care of you!

I certainly feel bad for my exBPDbf; I wouldn't wish the disorder on anyone. And I fully accept the part I played in this toxic dance - it takes two to make a dysfunctional relationship, after all.

But at the same time... .he really, really hurt me in a lot of very deep and sacred ways, and he knew what he was doing... .and sometimes I feel angry, negative, bitter, or hateful about that. I don't want to live in those feelings -- my ex is an example of someone who spends most of his time being angry, bitter, etc., and that is not how I inherently see the world. But I'm also letting myself feel them, because they remind me that I am worth more than the way I was treated, and that I need to do a better job protecting myself.

[mks10]

Because of all the GD lies she told me the last month we were together. She knew she was lying, I knew she was lying, and she treated me like absolute garbage. She became an absolute monster I no longer recognized.

[Infared]

If we are mentally healthy and understand our partner, why we are doing the blaming and finger pointing if our partner is mentally ill?

Mental health and mental illness are relative terms, and one area of growth for us is looking at our own "health", since mentally healthy people would not have ignored all the red flags and gotten as deeply enmeshed with a "mentally ill" person as many of us did.  Plus, the traits of the disorder are on a continuum with most of us exhibiting some of them at least some of the time, and once we hang out with someone who exhibits a lot of them a lot of the time, we can "inherit" those traits, at least for a time, along with reactions to abuse including PTSD or whatever.  So sometimes it's helpful to broaden our definitions of "healthy" and "ill".

Anyway.  Blaming and finger pointing have somewhat negative connotations, but even though someone is "mentally ill", they are still responsible for their actions, and holding someone accountable for those actions is appropriate.  And then there's anger, a normal, healthy response to abuse and disrespect, and we can end up very angry once these relationships end, and stoop to the blaming and finger pointing as a purging as we heal.  With time we may develop a more realistic, balanced view of our own and our exes "mental health", but it takes what it takes.  Take care of you!

Well said. Mine did all of the above and then replaced and abandoned me. YES, I was unhealthy and had a huge part in it all... .I actually was a victim... .But I went and got help and healed some and now know about BPD, etc... .And I now fluctuate in between the anger and bitterness and the peace of at least ACCEPTANCE of who this person that I lived with for five years "actually" is. (Don't know if I can ever truly forgive them). She is mentally ill. She still does all this whacky crap... .I have taken stock of my codependency and need to rescue, etc... .

I never engage, EVER, anymore. On any level. PERIOD. She has tried even though she married replacement... .etc... .on and on... .(nothing wrong with her in her world).

And... now I fluctuate between anger and empathy/acceptance. ... .so "I" am getting better. I would rather be there in this process of loving me than in a recycle!... .hell yeah!  It's a process... .And I am getting to a better place. WOW... What a crazy ride it all has been... .

There sure is no fixing that whole mess.

On good days I feel sorry for her and the way she has to treat people because of her illness.

On bad days, I can't. I am human, afterall and I can sometimes forgive myself too, today!  

It gets better with time if we work at it and take our part.

Coming here helps.