Why we are so bitter towards them if they are mentally ill?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

While not mentally ill, I have learnt to accept that I needed to really work on my own mental health - completely separate to my ex. We each brought a level of dysfunction to the relationship and I see it very clearly.

My ex's behaviour triggered my own sensibilities and it took a long while post break up to begin to comprehend what I needed to do to heal. 4 years post break up and I'm still learning daily. I recognise new triggers however I'm much better at sorting through my feelings than I use to.

To get to this point I had to look at my own patterns of relating, my own history at how I dealt with triggers which also included knowing my triggers.

I stopped (80% of the time) brushing my feelings aside and started to really feel. I was conscious of what my childhood taught me. I accepted my childhood was not all rosy. Most importantly I stopped blaming my ex as started to own what was mine.

It's hard, it was tiring and I'm still learning.

Am I bitter? Not anymore. I respect my ex for who he is because that's all he can be. I can't and don't wish to change who he is. He's a lovely person with issues. I'm an awesome

Person with issues. I've learnt a lot because of him and for that I will forever be thankful. I no longer harbour anger because I own my part.

[Clearmind]

While not mentally ill, I have learnt to accept that I needed to really work on my own mental health - completely separate to my ex. We each brought a level of dysfunction to the relationship and I see it very clearly.

My ex's behaviour triggered my own sensibilities and it took a long while post break up to begin to comprehend what I needed to do to heal. 4 years post break up and I'm still learning daily. I recognise new triggers however I'm much better at sorting through my feelings than I use to.

To get to this point I had to look at my own patterns of relating, my own history at how I dealt with triggers which also included knowing my triggers.

I stopped (80% of the time) brushing my feelings aside and started to really feel. I was conscious of what my childhood taught me. I accepted my childhood was not all rosy. Most importantly I stopped blaming my ex as started to own what was mine.

It's hard, it was tiring and I'm still learning.

Am I bitter? Not anymore. I respect my ex for who he is because that's all he can be. I can't and don't wish to change who he is. He's a lovely person with issues. I'm an awesome

Person with issues. I've learnt a lot because of him and for that I will forever be thankful. I no longer harbour anger because I own my part.

[apple2]

Maybe it is an inappropriate example, but imagine if a person with mental disease on the street hurts one of our family members, it is still hard to say it doesn't matter, he did it only because he is ill. What will we do? Maybe still trying to persuade the police to put him in prison? The thing is, realizing the reason behind the behavior can help me understand more, but not stop the pain I feel.

I am a human being and have feelings. Although I read books and know I should not take the words and behaviors personally, my feeling was still got hurt. I still have strong headache when I think about the past. I love him but I am scared to hear those words again. I love him but I can't handle staying together with him. I hope I would be a robot and can delete the negative words at once with a button.

I am not bitter towards him nor hate him. What I can do is only to forgive him, to wish him all the best and to keep a distance and rescue myself.

[going places]

Hi all,

I have posted a while ago on the "staying" board with some background of my story. Since my question is of a general nature, it will not be necessary to share a long story with you.  As you can see, I am posting now on the "leaving" board, and the reason is that I have been bouncing between the two back and forth as I really don't know what to do. Sometimes I am in a relatively healthy mental state so I go to the staying one, and other times I am a mess so I come here

After the initial trauma, I was 100% staying.

Mrs. Fix it.

Heck, I'd been cleaning up his messes for 20+ years... .I could do this. I am a strong woman.

Over the next 6 months, his abuse, broke me.

The following 2 YEARS I had "moments" where I thought I was mentally healthy/strong; only for him to drag me back to the brink of destruction.

It was ONLY after I sought help from a local abuse advocate did I begin to see what was REALLY happening to me. Classic abuse.

Speaking to an advocate, going to group meetings, and reading everything I could get my hands on EDUCATED me. Gave me the power to say "no more".

Gave me the power to say "good bye".

But from what I have been reading I felt that we all tend to have this bitterness towards our BPD loved ones, and we certainly are trapped in the victim role.  If we are mentally healthy and understand our partner, why we are doing the blaming and finger pointing if our partner is mentally ill?  I doubt they are capable of understanding what they are doing and its impact on the people around you.  I would be interested in your intake on this.  Thanks.

Reality is reality.

If the ex had an affair, and a finger is pointed that they are unfaithful, cheaters, adulterers?

That's because that is reality.

I could not 'see' reality while I was with him.

I could not "see" clearly at all.

He had me so clouded... .2-3 months after I threw him out and went NC... .THAT is when I really started to heal. But until then? I was such a mess... .so clouded.

There are different stages of grief. Each stage must be worked thru to complete the process.

One part is the anger.

It's ok to be angry. It's ok to let it out.

WE ARE victims.

Victims of abuse. The evil that was done to me personally, left a permenate scar on me. I may never be able to shake it / fully recover from it.

And it would have NEVER happened had I never met my exhusband... .

I have no sympathy for the devil.

I feel bad for his  next victim. She has no idea what she's getting herself into... .

I feel bad for our kids, their hearts are so broken, their lives forever changed.

But I have no sympathy for the devil. He made his choices. He made his bed of nails, he can sleep in it.

I don't hate him, I'm no longer mad at him.

I don't 'wonder' what he's doing or who he's doing it with.

I simply, don't care.

I have finally arrived at 'indifferent'.

It took, 3 long, dark years... .but Praise the Lord, I have arrived!

[christin5433]

Going Places I agree about not thinking clearly when you exist in this type of r/s.

I know I'm going into post 3 months b/u.

My mind has been restored to this being my thoughts of , what was I thinking to be treated so mean, what was I accepting as reality, why was I catering and fixing to make this pwBPD happy, why did I get blamed for ALL... , Ect .?

Now it's what I live with w myself daily and I have to not only grieve which is anger, bargaining , depression , denial, and hopefully some acceptance . I have to also re train my thoughts of ALL that I was told by my ex. Painful truths of what I LET happen to me because of loving my ex. Loving our family, believing in the good parts. That's what I believe you do when your in a r/s is you know the flaws and accept them and work on getting better. My ex wasn't all that bad. I think she had a death this past year of her dad and she also was on pain meds ... .If I look at my part I couldn't handle a death, pain pill personality , and BPD. I was a walking shell of a human. Nothing to give. The problem is when you have nothing to give w a BPD your useless . I did things like function in ALL ways like taking care of house and kids. That's about it . So when the tornado happened I got sucked into the storm and now I'm repairing myself. I lost my family my ex because I couldn't and didn't have anything to give.

This is the reality if mental illness it is not a kind disorder that will wait for self care.

Now it's my self care w some random negative feelings I get to learn to let pass and also try to recover from. It's a work in progress . I have had acceptance in this lately and it feels like there is a light at the end of the tunnel . Pray is my answer daily.

[downwhim]

OK, so should I say, I totally forgive my ex,  I am playing the victim and poor guy he is mentally ill?

1. I don't forgive my ex YET. Screaming and yelling in my face, lying, cheating, manipulating, humiliating, is not something I have completely wrapped my head around or am able to forgive yet. It was 8 years so I guess it will take more than 4 months to uncondition (not such a word) me.

2.  I am playing the victim? What is a person suppose to do when the above is happening to them by someone they love? What if it happens at 4 in the morning when your just sleeping and have done NOTHING? I have questioned myself over and over again. I have almost blamed myself for his behavior. When you have no self esteem left after being called a nothing, a c... .t, old, etc... .you start to feel all of those things are true and it is hard to find strength to fight back.

3.  Just because my ex BPD fiancé has a mental illness which he does not admit does not make an excuse for his behaviors. He could say I am sorry, he could seek help, he could admit his actions are unkind.

I too would have never experienced such mental and emotional abuse had I not met my ex. I am working backwards to be the person I was before I met him. Healing takes time and going through the stages of grief sometimes MANY times before indifference.

When your on a rollercoaster and get off only to walk on eggshells it takes all the fight in you to find solid ground.

[fromheeltoheal]

I've learnt a lot because of him and for that I will forever be thankful. I no longer harbour anger because I own my part.

And there are the keys in a nutshell peeps: become thankful for the experience because of what we learned as a result, and own our part.  When we get there the emotions around the relationship become positive, maybe even empowering, and allow us to move forward with a spring in our step.

[christin5433]

I don't know if I am thankful for being abused ?

I have no clue why or what's wrong w this PD .

The work I have to do has been interesting I guess ,

About "why the heck" was I so dumbfounded and blind.

I would not like to encounter this ever it was like I wasted my time

[Clearmind]

I don't know if I am thankful for being abused ?

I have no clue why or what's wrong w this PD .

The work I have to do has been interesting I guess ,

About "why the heck" was I so dumbfounded and blind.

I would not like to encounter this ever it was like I wasted my time

Give yourself time and be patient with yourself and you'll come to understand why.

I attached to my ex, a Borderline and I stayed despite the abuse - this I need to own - for those reasons I need to better understand me so I don't date Borderline #2.

Check out the Taking Personal Inventory Board and explore some of those reasons

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't know if I am thankful for being abused ?

Humans are motivated more by pain than pleasure, sad but true, and if we can use the pain imposed by abuse to dig deep and discover how we got so deep in bullsht to begin with, we were willing volunteers after all, then we can change things; identifying the problem is the first step in resolving it.  Of course most of us didn't know we were entering a relationship with someone with a mental illness and got blindsided, but how long after we knew did we stay?

About "why the heck" was I so dumbfounded and blind.

 

There you go, great question, dig there.

I would not like to encounter this ever it was like I wasted my time

The only wasted pain is the pain we don't use.  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?  Once you focus on yourself and dig deep, and become a better version of you, you may look back and be a little shocked at who you used to show up as, and grateful when you then notice the contrast and how far you've come.  Take care of you!

[Clearmind]

Very well said fromheeltoheal.

I ran and blocked uncomfortable emotions my entire life until I met my ex. The break up unleashed a while truck load of emotions. It's a good thing. My childhood was rigid, my father an alcoholic so there was no room for me and my emotions. My ex was full of emotion as we all know and I gravitated towards him. I felt like a child and felt like I was somewhat free from my stuff while I was with him. Until it went south then it triggered so much childhood stuff I had no clue where to start. Created a double edged sword. I thought I loved my ex but he abused me so how could I.

I met my ex to rewrite some childhood angst

A therapist really helped me sort through it all. Relief!

[Trog]

We are mentally ill if they are. We don't have a DSMV yet but perhaps we should. It's not mental illness as much as two opposing gangs reacting oppositely to childhood abuse and neglect (in many cases, not everyone's story). We have an attachment disorder and poor boundaries - so do they. The difference is their 'illness' serves them (or they believe it does) and so they don't change, ours hurts us and by meeting them (our red pill) we are forced to change.

[Tim300]

Hi all,

I have posted a while ago on the "staying" board with some background of my story. Since my question is of a general nature, it will not be necessary to share a long story with you.  As you can see, I am posting now on the "leaving" board, and the reason is that I have been bouncing between the two back and forth as I really don't know what to do. Sometimes I am in a relatively healthy mental state so I go to the staying one, and other times I am a mess so I come here. But from what I have been reading I felt that we all tend to have this bitterness towards our BPD loved ones, and we certainly are trapped in the victim role.  If we are mentally healthy and understand our partner, why we are doing the blaming and finger pointing if our partner is mentally ill?  I doubt they are capable of understanding what they are doing and its impact on the people around you.  I would be interested in your intake on this.  Thanks.

OP -- I agree with you.  I think it could perhaps take as long as 5 months for a non to fully grasp and accept the concept of BPD in the fallout of one of these relationships.  Once the concept is fully grasped and accepted, it's difficult to feel bitter towards the pwBPD.  The non might understandably have some bitterness about having the experience in general.  My pwBPD did some horrible things (all the typical BPD stuff you read about here, with some flashes of ASPD), but I think the one thing I could describe myself as most bitter about is that she didn't make more of an effort to describe to me her psychological problems early in the relationship.  I really think she owes it to partners to say "I have Borderline Personality Disorder, it can be serious at times, and here are some resources you should read."  For better or worse, I will always love my pwBPD unconditionally (albeit from a distance of NC). 

[Trog]

Hi all,

I have posted a while ago on the "staying" board with some background of my story. Since my question is of a general nature, it will not be necessary to share a long story with you.  As you can see, I am posting now on the "leaving" board, and the reason is that I have been bouncing between the two back and forth as I really don't know what to do. Sometimes I am in a relatively healthy mental state so I go to the staying one, and other times I am a mess so I come here. But from what I have been reading I felt that we all tend to have this bitterness towards our BPD loved ones, and we certainly are trapped in the victim role.  If we are mentally healthy and understand our partner, why we are doing the blaming and finger pointing if our partner is mentally ill?  I doubt they are capable of understanding what they are doing and its impact on the people around you.  I would be interested in your intake on this.  Thanks.

OP -- I agree with you.  I think it could perhaps take as long as 5 months for a non to fully grasp and accept the concept of BPD in the fallout of one of these relationships.  Once the concept is fully grasped and accepted, it's difficult to feel bitter towards the pwBPD.  The non might understandably have some bitterness about having the experience in general.  My pwBPD did some horrible things (all the typical BPD stuff you read about here, with some flashes of ASPD), but I think the one thing I could describe myself as most bitter about is that she didn't make more of an effort to describe to me her psychological problems early in the relationship.  I really think she owes it to partners to say "I have Borderline Personality Disorder, it can be serious at times, and here are some resources you should read."  For better or worse, I will always love my pwBPD unconditionally (albeit from a distance of NC). 

Hard... .But not impossible. I grasp BPD fully, I also see what she went thru as a kid and it's horrendous but mine was no walk in the park and for a coin toss I'd say she had it easier. She knows she has an illness and does nothing cos people enable her. Yes I pity her but I do not absolve her, she's an emotional terrorist praying on the good nature of soft people with poor boundaries. More fool me - it's an important lesson, but I can still feel very angry.

[jhkbuzz]

Hi all,

I have posted a while ago on the "staying" board with some background of my story. Since my question is of a general nature, it will not be necessary to share a long story with you.  As you can see, I am posting now on the "leaving" board, and the reason is that I have been bouncing between the two back and forth as I really don't know what to do. Sometimes I am in a relatively healthy mental state so I go to the staying one, and other times I am a mess so I come here. But from what I have been reading I felt that we all tend to have this bitterness towards our BPD loved ones, and we certainly are trapped in the victim role.  If we are mentally healthy and understand our partner, why we are doing the blaming and finger pointing if our partner is mentally ill?  I doubt they are capable of understanding what they are doing and its impact on the people around you.  I would be interested in your intake on this.  Thanks.

OP -- I agree with you.  I think it could perhaps take as long as 5 months for a non to fully grasp and accept the concept of BPD in the fallout of one of these relationships.  Once the concept is fully grasped and accepted, it's difficult to feel bitter towards the pwBPD.  The non might understandably have some bitterness about having the experience in general.  My pwBPD did some horrible things (all the typical BPD stuff you read about here, with some flashes of ASPD), but I think the one thing I could describe myself as most bitter about is that she didn't make more of an effort to describe to me her psychological problems early in the relationship.  I really think she owes it to partners to say "I have Borderline Personality Disorder, it can be serious at times, and here are some resources you should read."  For better or worse, I will always love my pwBPD unconditionally (albeit from a distance of NC). 

Hard... .But not impossible. I grasp BPD fully, I also see what she went thru as a kid and it's horrendous but mine was no walk in the park and for a coin toss I'd say she had it easier. She knows she has an illness and does nothing cos people enable her. Yes I pity her but I do not absolve her, she's an emotional terrorist praying on the good nature of soft people with poor boundaries. More fool me - it's an important lesson, but I can still feel very angry.

I like that, Trog - that's a good word to use.

absolve: to set or declare (someone) free from blame, guilt, or responsibility.

I pity her for the things she went through in her childhood.

I'm moving towards forgiveness for the things she did in our r/s.

But I, like you, don't absolve her of the responsibility for her actions. Many of them were incredibly hurtful.

[Trog]

Hi all,

I have posted a while ago on the "staying" board with some background of my story. Since my question is of a general nature, it will not be necessary to share a long story with you.  As you can see, I am posting now on the "leaving" board, and the reason is that I have been bouncing between the two back and forth as I really don't know what to do. Sometimes I am in a relatively healthy mental state so I go to the staying one, and other times I am a mess so I come here. But from what I have been reading I felt that we all tend to have this bitterness towards our BPD loved ones, and we certainly are trapped in the victim role.  If we are mentally healthy and understand our partner, why we are doing the blaming and finger pointing if our partner is mentally ill?  I doubt they are capable of understanding what they are doing and its impact on the people around you.  I would be interested in your intake on this.  Thanks.

OP -- I agree with you.  I think it could perhaps take as long as 5 months for a non to fully grasp and accept the concept of BPD in the fallout of one of these relationships.  Once the concept is fully grasped and accepted, it's difficult to feel bitter towards the pwBPD.  The non might understandably have some bitterness about having the experience in general.  My pwBPD did some horrible things (all the typical BPD stuff you read about here, with some flashes of ASPD), but I think the one thing I could describe myself as most bitter about is that she didn't make more of an effort to describe to me her psychological problems early in the relationship.  I really think she owes it to partners to say "I have Borderline Personality Disorder, it can be serious at times, and here are some resources you should read."  For better or worse, I will always love my pwBPD unconditionally (albeit from a distance of NC). 

Hard... .But not impossible. I grasp BPD fully, I also see what she went thru as a kid and it's horrendous but mine was no walk in the park and for a coin toss I'd say she had it easier. She knows she has an illness and does nothing cos people enable her. Yes I pity her but I do not absolve her, she's an emotional terrorist praying on the good nature of soft people with poor boundaries. More fool me - it's an important lesson, but I can still feel very angry.

I like that, Trog - that's a good word to use.

absolve: to set or declare (someone) free from blame, guilt, or responsibility.

I pity her for the things she went through in her childhood.

I'm moving towards forgiveness for the things she did in our r/s.

But I, like you, don't absolve her of the responsibility for her actions. Many of them were incredibly hurtful.

Maybe at some later point I will fully forgive her but right now I don't give a monkeys what her reasonings are or what she is up too. All im interested in is why I was in a position to get into this relationship and how I can resolve my naivety and understand my part in it.

Does that mean I have to understand her part? To a degree yes but I'm just not interested in her, ive dedicated so much time to trying to figure her out i lost myself and because the perfect puppet - till I snapped and chucked her out. I will think about the relationship and the things I allowed her to get away with only in relation to my healing - I just don't have the space for her too anymore - sorry! Sounds harsh, but that's the way it's gotta be.

[going places]

I've learnt a lot because of him and for that I will forever be thankful. I no longer harbour anger because I own my part.

I,  and our children HAVE learned a lot from him.

1. He has lied to us their whole lives / our whole marriage.

2. He has manipulated us our whole lives / marriage.

3. He has deceived us our whole lives / marriage.

4. He hid, fed, and indulged in an addiction right under our noses, and we had no idea.

5. He is an adulterer.

I am thankful FOR NONE of this.

What he did was reprehensible.

It was 100% completely self absorbed, and disgusting.


What I am thankful for is this Scripture:

Deuteronomy 31:6  Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

The children and I had "no part" in this.

I / my children will 'accept' NO part of his sickening choices.

I was "counseled" by a 'pastor' w the ex for 4 months and I was "tricked, deceived, manipulated' into 'accepting blame for HIS CHOICES'... .which spiraled me into the blackest of depressions, and intensified my (at that time) undiagnosed PTSD (that HE CAUSED).

Yeah. NO.

If you are standing in a shopping mall and a person decides to commit a horrible crime, what is 'your part'?

You have no part, other than you were in the mall at the same time... .

No. Sorry, I am not going to be fooled again into thinking *I* have to take on some of the blame or responsibility for HIS CHOICES.

Nope. No way.

I can forgive him for everything he did; but it was 100% all him.

His choices.

His words.

His actions.

His in-actions.

His lies.

His abuse... .

Absolutely none of these CHOICES are anyone's fault, but his. Period. To suggest otherwise is dead wrong.

[christin5433]

I've learnt a lot because of him and for that I will forever be thankful. I no longer harbour anger because I own my part.

I,  and our children HAVE learned a lot from him.

1. He has lied to us their whole lives / our whole marriage.

2. He has manipulated us our whole lives / marriage.

3. He has deceived us our whole lives / marriage.

4. He hid, fed, and indulged in an addiction right under our noses, and we had no idea.

5. He is an adulterer.

I am thankful FOR NONE of this.

What he did was reprehensible.

It was 100% completely self absorbed, and disgusting.


What I am thankful for is this Scripture:

Deuteronomy 31:6  Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

The children and I had "no part" in this.

I / my children will 'accept' NO part of his sickening choices.

I was "counseled" by a 'pastor' w the ex for 4 months and I was "tricked, deceived, manipulated' into 'accepting blame for HIS CHOICES'... .which spiraled me into the blackest of depressions, and intensified my (at that time) undiagnosed PTSD (that HE CAUSED).

Yeah. NO.

If you are standing in a shopping mall and a person decides to commit a horrible crime, what is 'your part'?

You have no part, other than you were in the mall at the same time... .

No. Sorry, I am not going to be fooled again into thinking *I* have to take on some of the blame or responsibility for HIS CHOICES.

Nope. No way.

I can forgive him for everything he did; but it was 100% all him.

His choices.

His words.

His actions.

His in-actions.

His lies.

His abuse... .

Absolutely none of these CHOICES are anyone's fault, but his. Period. To suggest otherwise is dead wrong.

Going places it is truth that ALL they did was harmful to each of us individually I too am not ok what I have had happen to me and my family that also endured this. I think what your pastor says is to have empathy for his illness. This is not a over night matter. Time can only fix that. In my deepest part of me I'd like to forgive but I know I will never forget . I say this from experience my dad did some things when I was a teen that changed me drastically . I tried for years to act like it was ok and keep status quo . Later in life he and I have drifted apart which has been estranged due to everyone thinking I should forgive. I have forgiven but I know I can't fake the way I see it. It happened and part of his consequence is he lost a daughter . I love my dad but to be around him has been sick for me. To thine own self be true . I know what he did was wrong it damaged a part of me that I have had to work on for years. He is not my blame for my decisions I live out my own consequence . As for BPD and its damage its bad how else can you describe ... It's a lie. And we buy it. Then were left w it's aftermath . Now we try to pray we find peace from it. I think the peace is for us. I guess Jews and world war 2 have to find peace in the horror too. A man of God wants us to forgive our enemy's . Because w bitterness we are of no use to God. Love is the answer . Just learn to forgive even if it takes a lifetime. Keep trying or you will be eaten up by hate. Be happy in the things you have today and your choices. These harmful experiences become a tool to help others but our hearts must find the peace in it. Keep praying

[fromheeltoheal]

It's not really necessary to forgive, except ourselves.  Once we learn the lessons, because everything does happen for a reason and it serves us, and own our part, which could be as simple as we chose to stay when we should have left, and forgive ourselves for that, then the anger will wane, we can slowly shift our focus from our ex to ourselves and those we care about, and shift our focus from the past to the future, start taking steps in that direction, the momentum will build as we take our wiser self, a better version of ourselves, into the future as we build the life of our dreams.  And then the ex won't matter.  They just won't matter.

[Tim300]

I've learnt a lot because of him and for that I will forever be thankful. I no longer harbour anger because I own my part.

I,  and our children HAVE learned a lot from him.

1. He has lied to us their whole lives / our whole marriage.

2. He has manipulated us our whole lives / marriage.

3. He has deceived us our whole lives / marriage.

4. He hid, fed, and indulged in an addiction right under our noses, and we had no idea.

5. He is an adulterer.

I am thankful FOR NONE of this.

What he did was reprehensible.

It was 100% completely self absorbed, and disgusting.


What I am thankful for is this Scripture:

Deuteronomy 31:6  Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

The children and I had "no part" in this.

I / my children will 'accept' NO part of his sickening choices.

I was "counseled" by a 'pastor' w the ex for 4 months and I was "tricked, deceived, manipulated' into 'accepting blame for HIS CHOICES'... .which spiraled me into the blackest of depressions, and intensified my (at that time) undiagnosed PTSD (that HE CAUSED).

Yeah. NO.

If you are standing in a shopping mall and a person decides to commit a horrible crime, what is 'your part'?

You have no part, other than you were in the mall at the same time... .

No. Sorry, I am not going to be fooled again into thinking *I* have to take on some of the blame or responsibility for HIS CHOICES.

Nope. No way.

I can forgive him for everything he did; but it was 100% all him.

His choices.

His words.

His actions.

His in-actions.

His lies.

His abuse... .

Absolutely none of these CHOICES are anyone's fault, but his. Period. To suggest otherwise is dead wrong.

Thanks for this.  I really like your shopping mall example.  I am surprised by how many comments I read on here about "What is wrong with us for getting involved in these relationships?"  While everyone's situations are different, I can speak for myself and say that I was blindsided by BPD.  This is not to say that everyone shouldn't be on the lookout for areas of self improvement (as I am), but just because you were involved with a pwBPD doesn't mean you are guilty of anything or that there's anything wrong with you.  

[going places]

Thanks for this.  I really like your shopping mall example.  I am surprised by how many comments I read on here about "What is wrong with us for getting involved in these relationships?"  While everyone's situations are different, I can speak for myself and say that I was blindsided by BPD.  This is not to say that everyone shouldn't be on the lookout for areas of self improvement (as I am), but just because you were involved with a pwBPD doesn't mean you are guilty of anything or that there's anything wrong with you.  

YOU are spot on!

I think what your pastor says is to have empathy for his illness

No, what that 'pastor' said was (and I quote) "If you had been a better wife, this would not have happened"

He also accused me of being "jealous" of the ex's addiction to his 'picture friends' on the internet / tv.

He also told me that if I talked about the trauma to my ex, anyone else, or even thought about it: I WAS UNFORGIVING... .so after burying it for a year... .I finally spoke to my MD who diagnosed me with PTSD and major depression.

No, that pastor was not saying anything but it was my fault.

That pastor KNEW about ex's 'picture friend addiction' and 'his affairs'... .

HE WAS NOT trained or equippted to deal with PTSD / Depression / Abuse or PD's.

He was all about the "woman submit"... .

[Tim300]

"If you had been a better wife, this would not have happened"

Somewhat similarly, my own father said to me something along the lines of, "You know this is not all her fault, two people are responsible for a failed relationship".  Clearly, the pastor, like my father, has not taken the time to do even brief reading about BPD.  Almost no non is going to be perfect in a relationship, but rest assured that simply being a better spouse would not have stopped the inevitable.  My ex could not properly attach.  If I was the "perfect" guy in the universe that would have likely only caused her BPD symptoms to be even more severe.

[downwhim]

I think it is great that some people on this thread are forgiving of their ex, have learned and seen their part and have healed and grown and moved on. They have seen the light. They no longer blame themselves they look at this as an opportunity for growth. Not all of us are there yet... .for some they never will be or maybe from a distance, for some can't absolve them but can forgive etc... .

We are all different and we have all been through so many experiences to try and wrap into one is impossible. Some still feel the affects of being blindsided, abused, lied to, manipulated etc.

All of us grow and heal at our own pace and how we are suppose to.

[Mutt]

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