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Author Topic: She contacted me after 3 months  (Read 5099 times)
foxangel82

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« Reply #30 on: March 03, 2015, 12:36:16 PM »

Yeah, could be, but three months after? Why would I still get mail adressed to her? Anyway, yeah if I'd get something I'd send it to her parents (as I don't have her new adress and I want to keep it that way). But I sure as hell ain't going to answer her email. No contact is no contact. I'm staying strong.

To be honest I am 3 months out too and I still get his mail even though he changed his address with the post office. It is W2 season and I got his in the mail. I wouldn't read too much into it. Whatever you get for her just do the decent thing and give it to her.
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #31 on: March 03, 2015, 01:46:06 PM »

Nope, no silence: she followed it up with a text message saying that 'its really bad that she had to use her mother to ask for mail. Is that how you act like an adult? But you have shown your true colors. You need to ignore me for mail but you can party and give drinks? Strange logic, CloseToFreedom'

Ignored, once more. Jezus, leave me alone already. The partying and drinks she mentioned was a month ago, as she has taken over part of my friend group and we were all in the same pub. I never talked to her there but we were doing rounds and I was just trying to keep the peace by going along with giving rounds, so I gave her a drink as well. Is that wrong? What the hell.


@jhkbuzz: I thought I handled it well, but thanks to the above message I have doubts again. Was it childish of me? I mean, I was just trying to keep my boundaries. Arg, you just can't win with these people.

No, it was not childish of you.  Her manipulative "goading" of you is what's childish - it's bully tactics if you really think about it.

Have you considered blocking her number on your phone?  This may give you wonderful peace of mind.

And you are correct - you cannot win, so don't enter into the game.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #32 on: March 04, 2015, 01:17:48 PM »

I send her one message, that I find it too bad that she has to use stuff from the old days to try and get my attention. That I want to enforce the original deal: contact about mail (or other stuff) goes through her mother. To enforce that, I will block her number from my phone.

And then I blocked it. No more sudden calls or texts. No more FEARING sudden calls or texts.

Feelsgoodman
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #33 on: March 04, 2015, 01:57:38 PM »

I send her one message, that I find it too bad that she has to use stuff from the old days to try and get my attention. That I want to enforce the original deal: contact about mail (or other stuff) goes through her mother. To enforce that, I will block her number from my phone.

And then I blocked it. No more sudden calls or texts. No more FEARING sudden calls or texts.

Feelsgoodman

Time to change that handle of yours from "ClosetoFreedom" to "FullyFree"

Smiling (click to insert in post)

Good for you - let the healing begin!
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JRT
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« Reply #34 on: March 05, 2015, 11:59:40 PM »

You sure that the mail was not a pretense for her getting back in touch with you? It seemed to coincide with her unblocking you on social media.

I know mine used to leave something important behind or have some need to contact me on previous recycles that would lend 'plausible deniability' to her motives for contacting me in the even tit didn't go right for her.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #35 on: March 06, 2015, 08:04:29 AM »

You sure that the mail was not a pretense for her getting back in touch with you? It seemed to coincide with her unblocking you on social media.

I know mine used to leave something important behind or have some need to contact me on previous recycles that would lend 'plausible deniability' to her motives for contacting me in the even tit didn't go right for her.

No idea. Seems like it wasn't.

1. She send a message when she was still unblocked saying 'I don't have and don't ever want to have anything to do with you anymore'

2. The contact stopped after I made her mom clear that there wasn't any mail here (I also blocked her of course, but if she REALLY wanted to contact me she could send an email)

3. Day after she posted a picture of her and her boyfriend on social media

Of course, all these things don't have to mean a thing. Personally, I find it weird to be this intense about getting into contact for some mail that might have been here. Perhaps she had a small crisis that has blown over already, who knows. All I know is that its completely silent on her front now.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #36 on: March 06, 2015, 08:35:47 AM »

And, I think I know what you mean JRT: that if I had responded normally and kind, she would have been able to test the waters so to speak. But since I wasn't available, she could go fully with the 'mail'-story. Something like that?
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apollotech
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« Reply #37 on: March 06, 2015, 11:05:06 AM »

You sure that the mail was not a pretense for her getting back in touch with you? It seemed to coincide with her unblocking you on social media.

I know mine used to leave something important behind or have some need to contact me on previous recycles that would lend 'plausible deniability' to her motives for contacting me in the even tit didn't go right for her.

No idea. Seems like it wasn't.

1. She send a message when she was still unblocked saying 'I don't have and don't ever want to have anything to do with you anymore'

2. The contact stopped after I made her mom clear that there wasn't any mail here (I also blocked her of course, but if she REALLY wanted to contact me she could send an email)

3. Day after she posted a picture of her and her boyfriend on social media

Of course, all these things don't have to mean a thing. Personally, I find it weird to be this intense about getting into contact for some mail that might have been here. Perhaps she had a small crisis that has blown over already, who knows. All I know is that its completely silent on her front now.

I am with JRT, she used the "looking for mail" as a ruse to contact you. There are too many coincidental events occurring... .unblocking you on social media, posting the picture of her and the replacement. That text about "not wanting to have anything to do with you" represents her wanting to have something to do with you. If y'all were already NC then she was in a state of not having anything to do with you. She dissolved what she already had to tell you that that is what she wanted. Really?

This looks like a re-engagement attempt along with triangulation thrown in as a bonus (for her). Their actions always tell the tale.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #38 on: March 06, 2015, 11:10:23 AM »

I have to disagree. I just can't phantom her going for the trangulation thing... .she always struck me as someone very loyal.

Then again, thinking back on things... .when I met her she was still with another man. When we got to know each other better she had no problem in dumping him and hanging out with me the next day. She wasn't even bothered by it. Hindsight, eh? I'm sure she had the new guy lined up before we broke up. I should've known better. History never lies.

Anyway, its totally silent on her end. Either it really was about the mail, or I scared her off. Both situations are good for my health. Now to only get my mind to completely focus on me instead of her. That's been the most difficult thing for me in the past three months.
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apollotech
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« Reply #39 on: March 06, 2015, 11:35:14 AM »

"Then again, thinking back on things... .when I met her she was still with another man. When we got to know each other better she had no problem in dumping him and hanging out with me the next day. She wasn't even bothered by it. Hindsight, eh? I'm sure she had the new guy lined up before we broke up."

CloseToFreedom,

What you wrote about are examples of triangulation and disloyalty.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #40 on: March 06, 2015, 12:28:28 PM »

Bizarre isn't it, how you brainwash yourself in thinking you have a truly wonderful person with you in a relationship? Especially in the beginning, she made it a point that she would never cheat. I now know why: because I came out of a long relationship with my childhood love that had cheated on me multiple times. It was my weak spot, and she made sure to use it so that I would like her.

In the ten times we broke up in the relationship, she often would go straight to another guy to hang out with him. After a few weeks she always came back. She would blow them off. Of course, she wouldn't officialy be in a relationship with them, and that is the difference now: she IS in a relationship with the new guy. That, and its been three months. Usually it took about two weeks to a month for the next recycle to happen.

So I guess I should take my blindfolds off. Its just that I am unable to process that after all that happened, she would try and get back to me. She seems to HATE me. Then again, she always hated me when we broke off. The important thing is this: that I, under no circumstance, would take her back. NEVER. I have to be strong. Was my life better when I was with her compared to now? Well, yes, but thats also because right now Im in a serious depression. Its not wise to compare the two situations.

I'm realising more and more that I'm awefully co-dependent. I think about the future, about the spring and summer, and I think about how I want to share good times with someone, how I want to enjoy time with someone. Of course, often my ex fills in this fantasy in my head, but it is not about her. She wasn't good to me. She was often moody, expected me to do everything, would complain time and time again about the things I did wrong. I often felt manipulated. What I felt for her, wasn't real. It was real, but it wasn't for her. It was the idea of being in a relationship, loving someone and being loved. I need to work on that before I hop on to the next girl, as tempting as it may be.

Wow, I amaze myself with these words. Its scary to type it down, but at the same time liberating.

I do have to say I would enjoy finding out she would want to get back with me. Maybe God is looking out for me this time, making sure she won't try until Im more healed, so that I am strong enough to say no. Whenever we would split up, I used to pray to him for another chance, and I always got it. Perhaps this was His way to teach me, and the lessons (about this subject) are over now. Maybe He's keeping her away from me so I can fully heal. I'm not even really religious, but thinking like this helps.
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JRT
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« Reply #41 on: March 06, 2015, 12:50:56 PM »

Sorry you are enduring this... .be strong.
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #42 on: March 06, 2015, 01:03:14 PM »

Bizarre isn't it, how you brainwash yourself in thinking you have a truly wonderful person with you in a relationship? Especially in the beginning, she made it a point that she would never cheat. I now know why: because I came out of a long relationship with my childhood love that had cheated on me multiple times. It was my weak spot, and she made sure to use it so that I would like her.

In the ten times we broke up in the relationship, she often would go straight to another guy to hang out with him. After a few weeks she always came back. She would blow them off. Of course, she wouldn't officialy be in a relationship with them, and that is the difference now: she IS in a relationship with the new guy. That, and its been three months. Usually it took about two weeks to a month for the next recycle to happen.

So I guess I should take my blindfolds off. Its just that I am unable to process that after all that happened, she would try and get back to me. She seems to HATE me. Then again, she always hated me when we broke off. The important thing is this: that I, under no circumstance, would take her back. NEVER. I have to be strong. Was my life better when I was with her compared to now? Well, yes, but thats also because right now Im in a serious depression. Its not wise to compare the two situations.

I'm realising more and more that I'm awefully co-dependent. I think about the future, about the spring and summer, and I think about how I want to share good times with someone, how I want to enjoy time with someone. Of course, often my ex fills in this fantasy in my head, but it is not about her. She wasn't good to me. She was often moody, expected me to do everything, would complain time and time again about the things I did wrong. I often felt manipulated. What I felt for her, wasn't real. It was real, but it wasn't for her. It was the idea of being in a relationship, loving someone and being loved. I need to work on that before I hop on to the next girl, as tempting as it may be.

Wow, I amaze myself with these words. Its scary to type it down, but at the same time liberating.

I do have to say I would enjoy finding out she would want to get back with me. Maybe God is looking out for me this time, making sure she won't try until Im more healed, so that I am strong enough to say no. Whenever we would split up, I used to pray to him for another chance, and I always got it. Perhaps this was His way to teach me, and the lessons (about this subject) are over now. Maybe He's keeping her away from me so I can fully heal. I'm not even really religious, but thinking like this helps.

That's a GREAT way to look at it - a wonderful way to begin to assign meaning to what's happened to you and to focus on your own healing.

I am almost 7 months post b/u and I want the same things as you... .someone to share my life with, someone who loves me (in ACTIONS), someone who I can trust, and someone who is whole.

I've also recognized that I'm in an important "season" of my life... .that I have work to do on myself before I can move into a r/s with someone else.  I've made this choice - to go out, to make friends, meet new people, even to go out on dates when the opportunities arise... .but no serious r/s's. Not yet.  There's work I need to do on myself, insights to be discovered and wounds to be healed - and I don't want to squander this opportunity by being "distracted" by someone shiny and new.

That's what my ex does.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #43 on: March 06, 2015, 01:15:02 PM »

God, I'm driving myself totally INSANE tonight. I am THIS close to sending her an email or text where I tell her that I am sorry that I was ignoring her and that I was so blunt - that it is just to try and heal myself, that I'm in a depression and on medication, that the door is always open if she changes her mind about her current bf. I'm pathetic. I can't send it - it would just entertain her.
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #44 on: March 06, 2015, 01:48:59 PM »

God, I'm driving myself totally INSANE tonight. I am THIS close to sending her an email or text where I tell her that I am sorry that I was ignoring her and that I was so blunt - that it is just to try and heal myself, that I'm in a depression and on medication, that the door is always open if she changes her mind about her current bf. I'm pathetic. I can't send it - it would just entertain her.

You are an addict in the throes of an addiction.  Distract yourself - go out, call a friend, go to the gym - DO something.  But don't send it!
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #45 on: March 06, 2015, 02:18:11 PM »

I won't do it. Some mates are coming by later and then I'm going to hit town.

Still, it's difficult. It's like my mind is split in two: one half thinks about the ___ty things she's done, other half thinks about the good things she's done. Its almost like two different personas.
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JRT
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« Reply #46 on: March 06, 2015, 02:45:07 PM »

I won't do it. Some mates are coming by later and then I'm going to hit town.

Still, it's difficult. It's like my mind is split in two: one half thinks about the ___ty things she's done, other half thinks about the good things she's done. Its almost like two different personas.

I know brother I know... .same here... .I wish that I lived in the UK, I'd buy you a pint.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #47 on: March 06, 2015, 02:45:46 PM »

I won't do it. Some mates are coming by later and then I'm going to hit town.

Still, it's difficult. It's like my mind is split in two: one half thinks about the ___ty things she's done, other half thinks about the good things she's done. Its almost like two different personas.

I know brother I know... .same here... .I wish that I lived in the UK, I'd buy you a pint.

Haha, well thats going to be one expensive pint, as I live in the Netherlands  But I appreciate the thought!
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JRT
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« Reply #48 on: March 06, 2015, 02:59:10 PM »

I won't do it. Some mates are coming by later and then I'm going to hit town.

Still, it's difficult. It's like my mind is split in two: one half thinks about the ___ty things she's done, other half thinks about the good things she's done. Its almost like two different personas.

I know brother I know... .same here... .I wish that I lived in the UK, I'd buy you a pint.

Haha, well thats going to be one expensive pint, as I live in the Netherlands  But I appreciate the thought!

Cheers!
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #49 on: March 06, 2015, 03:07:30 PM »

I won't do it. Some mates are coming by later and then I'm going to hit town.

Still, it's difficult. It's like my mind is split in two: one half thinks about the shi*ty things she's done, other half thinks about the good things she's done. Its almost like two different personas.

I can soo relate to that... .it kept my brain in a perpetual state of spinning confusion for years.  But I no longer struggle with it - I have finally - both intellectually and emotionally - accepted that all of her behaviors are part of her. As I said in a recent post, "both the lovely, wondrous AND the callous and deceitful" behaviors - all her. This understanding has arisen (in part) from the acceptance that I was fooled at the beginning of the r/s - she was not the person she presented herself to be. (I say this without malice, and I don't think this was malicious or premeditated on her part either. It's typical of the disorder).

A wonderful thread, speaking below about the non disordered partner:

It is their desire of wanting a good relationship with the disordered person that overshadows the acceptance of the disordered person, the disorder, and the dynamics that flow out of the relationship. Usually, the disordered person is seen as two people existing in one body. There is the loving, euphoric, fun to be around person that everyone adores, and then there is the lying, manipulating, dark side that we tend to want to keep away from. It is because this split exists in our minds, that the doubt is allowed to linger and grow, giving us hope that the next time will be different. We try to choose one side of the person, rather than accepting that there is one person with vast ranges of emotional capacity, from the far left side of bad to the far right side of good.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.msg1008525#msg1008525
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #50 on: March 08, 2015, 09:32:12 AM »

So, I blocked her on my iphone but apparently this doesn't go through to all Apple systems... .so I was on my ipad yesterday to listen to some music and then I saw that she replied to my one message about leaving me alone and blocking her. I had three text messages.

Message one: 'So you don't have to listen to the rules and I have to. How many times have you broken the rules? And what is so difficult in answering a normal question? A 'no' would have been sufficient. And then you wouldn't have to ignore me for 3 days. You are the one that wanted to act normal to me. I got angry because you ignored me and that seems pretty logical to me because it isn't kind. Because when we see each other in real life you CAN say hello. But then you are obviously under influence.

Message two: And I think its terrible that I have to tell this to my mom and that she has to do it for me. We are adults, aren't we? I don't mind making contact with you anymore because I don't have feelings anymore. I used to go through my mom because I was angry.

Message three: But there isn't any mail anymore so there won't be anything worthwile coming in. So you're done with that as well  It all works out itself (and a celebration smiley/icon here).

I wish I didn't read these messages, I wish I had her blocked on my ipad too, because the messages irritate me to no end. The feel so... .entitled? Am I wrong? She tries so hard to look like an adult but her messages feel anything but mature. This was always a thing in our relationship, as there's a 7 year difference between us (with me being older). She somehow always thinks she is the mature one and I am the child. Infuriating.

Someone wants to turn their opinion about the re engagement around? These messages read like she is really done with me. Of course, what do you know, as soon as I read these messages (and she probably got a 'messages read' notification, there was another picture of her with the replacement on social media.

I'm glad I am out because there is nothing mature about this, but she gets under my skin... .arg!
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Coffeeandsmokes

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« Reply #51 on: March 08, 2015, 10:37:52 AM »

Anyone wants to chip in here to make me feel a bit better? It's crazy how a drop of contact can still have such an effect on me.

Mate, a few weeks ago I get a text message out the blue. 'WOW, came home and thought your car was outside. Would have been so nice to see you'. A house I haven't been near for three months.  Our last contact weeks prior to this had been her going nuts. Turns out this came the day after she split with my replacment. I think she made up a cock and bull story to justify communication. Test the waters, assure herself that people are still available. Trouble was I got sucked in by trying to be chatty and friendly. She's dropped me like a hot stone I the past 48 hours. And now I'm back on here . . .
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #52 on: March 08, 2015, 11:38:34 AM »

Anyone wants to chip in here to make me feel a bit better? It's crazy how a drop of contact can still have such an effect on me.

Mate, a few weeks ago I get a text message out the blue. 'WOW, came home and thought your car was outside. Would have been so nice to see you'. A house I haven't been near for three months.  Our last contact weeks prior to this had been her going nuts. Turns out this came the day after she split with my replacment. I think she made up a cock and bull story to justify communication. Test the waters, assure herself that people are still available. Trouble was I got sucked in by trying to be chatty and friendly. She's dropped me like a hot stone I the past 48 hours. And now I'm back on here . . .

I absolutely understand what you are saying, but this doesn't seem to be the case here. She's with the replacement and seems pretty happy about it.

I often think about breaking contact and sending an email where i tell her how I really feel, how I'm in a depression and on meds and thats why contact isn't good for us. But what good would that do? Nothing. She'd probably laugh about it.
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Coffeeandsmokes

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« Reply #53 on: March 08, 2015, 12:10:28 PM »

Anyone wants to chip in here to make me feel a bit better? It's crazy how a drop of contact can still have such an effect on me.

Mate, a few weeks ago I get a text message out the blue. 'WOW, came home and thought your car was outside. Would have been so nice to see you'. A house I haven't been near for three months.  Our last contact weeks prior to this had been her going nuts. Turns out this came the day after she split with my replacment. I think she made up a cock and bull story to justify communication. Test the waters, assure herself that people are still available. Trouble was I got sucked in by trying to be chatty and friendly. She's dropped me like a hot stone I the past 48 hours. And now I'm back on here . . .

I absolutely understand what you are saying, but this doesn't seem to be the case here. She's with the replacement and seems pretty happy about it.

I often think about breaking contact and sending an email where i tell her how I really feel, how I'm in a depression and on meds and thats why contact isn't good for us. But what good would that do? Nothing. She'd probably laugh about it.

The common point with your original post is that they'll come up with questionable reasons to initiate contact purely for their own ends. When my ex was happy she didn't have a word for me. I'd question the extent of the happiness you speak of if you are on her mind. She'll be searching for more emotion to vacuum up in an attempt to fill her empty soul.

I wrote letters and letters and letters to my ex. Helped me identify my feelings, rather than have a load of hurt swirling around, and by committing them to paper some of the weight lifted.  I didn't send a single one but, aside from finding bpdfamily, was one of the best things I could have done.





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« Reply #54 on: March 08, 2015, 12:16:12 PM »

Yeah, I did that the first month and a half, I wrote almost a letter a day to her (that I kept for myself). Eventually I didn't see the point in it anymore. I was slowly getting over her but the contact this past week has set me back a good notch. Guess its time to work through it again. The good weather here in my country the past couple of days also hasn't helped. Its been exactly a year that we moved in together in this house and the good weather reminds me of stuff we did.
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« Reply #55 on: March 08, 2015, 12:55:52 PM »

The advantage is that this time you know what works for you. And because of that it'll be easier. As much as it sucks you'll be at a low ebb at some point in the future too but that will be easier to deal with then because of this time. It's a long hard road out of hell but you WILL escape.
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
Posts: 11044


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #56 on: March 08, 2015, 06:14:08 PM »

Staff only

This is a worthwhile topic, but this thread has reached its posing limit. Please feel free to start a new topic to continue the discussion.
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
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