Just signed up. Now I'm mentally flatlined.

[NGU]

Has anyone else experienced this?

I purged myself in my introductory thread and linked it to my profile. Now I feel detached. I suddenly have this driving urge to do everything I can, but I can't do anything.

I suddenly got a better understanding of how bleak our situation is, and how many people are going through the same things. Also, my wife's in the middle of her average 3-day, crippling period... .which is the 10% of our relationship where I know she won't snap... .so there's a little respite a.t.m.

I have my own mental health team, so I know how I should be feeling: like this is any other day.

Thanks.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, it's exhausting and also a relief to share our circumstances in this community, where we know we'll be understood. You say you have a driving urge to do something--how about reading the success stories at the top of the list of topics in addition to studying the lessons on the right side of the page. It's difficult, but not hopeless to be in a relationship with a pwBPD, otherwise you wouldn't see so many of us on the Staying Board.

In my experience, I went from desperately depressed to mostly happy and content in my relationship. I realize that he will never be the person I thought and hoped he would be, but I still like and love the person he is. What changed my relationship the most was stopping JADEing (justifying, arguing, defending, explaining). I still catch myself explaining sometimes, but when I do, I try and stop immediately.

It really is like being married to someone with a disability--emotional lability with a lack of impulse control and a huge amount of self-criticism and shame. Once I got over the disappointment and unfairness of my situation, I was able to see the positives in this relationship, of which there are many. And other people are dealing with much worse issues, so I feel pretty blessed. But it's easy to slip into thinking that one's partner should be normal. And it ain't gonna happen.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi NGU, Welcome.  You are in a good place to learn some coping tools and help you to get to a better place in your r/s (or out).

i know by the time I found this forum and got the nerve to post my story, I was exhausted emotionally and mentally.  I needed to take care of myself instead of caring for everyone else. I got the advice to treat myself as if I was recovering from a physical illness.  Rest, eat right and generally take it easy on yourself.  It was good advice.

R/S issues don't happen overnight and will not be solved overnight.  Rome wasn't built in a day.  Make small changes and keep working at it. That is what i am doing.

[NGU]

JADEing (justifying, arguing, defending, explaining).

Yeah, I need to do a lot more work on that. Take any comment that would lead to J or A or D or E. Those are all my triggers.  

Once I got over the disappointment and unfairness of my situation... .

I appreciate your honesty. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the irony that she's the one with the disability, but I have to do almost all the work. (I would never be able to make that comment anywhere but here. I'm sure you understand why.)

Rest, eat right and generally take it easy on yourself.

It was funny... .she got really upset one day (crying, snot rockets, etc) and told me she hated that I didn't have big biceps anymore, among other unfiltered things. I just quietly went out and bought a weight set.

[OffRoad]

I am fortunate that my H does not have severe BPD. For myself, just knowing what I was dealing with released me from trying to fix everything. I do remember the flatline feeling when I thought nothing I could do would ever make it better. The world didn't really have any color, and it seemed like nothing was worthwhile. Once I realized that what I have is what I have, and the only person I can change is myself and how I deal with the situation, I started reading up on how I could mange the interactions between myself and H. The lessons here are great. I knew if I wasn't going to be able to do the things needed to keep peace most of the time, I couldn't do this. Fortunately for me, I believe I can. I've already seen improvement and I thought we were lost a few weeks ago. I read everything I could about BPD here and a few other places (some sites are not helpful at all, so you have to cherry pick). This may be what you need to do right now.

The most valuable tool I have in my toolbox is listening and saying any of the following: I see. That's unfortunate. That would bother me/make me sad, too. It must be hard to feel that way. Thank you for telling me that; it helps me understand. I didn't realize that was a problem; what can I do to help? I am so sorry you felt I *did/said whatever*; that was not my intention.

You have the disadvantage of being a man trying to help a BPD woman. As a woman, if I treat my BPDh like I would a friend who wants to vent, and depersonalize it (it really has nothing to do with me, except that I may have said something in a way that was sensitive to a pwBPD), I automatically validate. You can't fix her, but you can fix how you interact with her and how you are going to live in this relationship and keep yourself intact. Knowledge really is power.

And remember you are a person who deserves to have a life, too. Sometimes, you just have to detach and do something just for you. (I drive off road with a group of like minded individuals. It's nice to have that day or weekend for myself)

[OffRoad]

And try to remember, what she says is not really about you. Sometimes she will projecting her own issues onto you. For example, if she says you don't have big biceps anymore, has she ever mentioned that she thinks she is out of shape? My H used to tell me I needed to exercise (I'm overweight, but I bike 10 miles three times a week, walk 6 miles twice a week, still do 50 sit ups and 25 pushups every day, etc), but it turned out he was upset that he didn't have the discipline to exercise himself, so he projected it onto me, hitting me in an area that is frustrating for me and he knows it, because I do everything right, but still have a weight problem.