What do those words mean?

[empath]

Over the past week, uBPDh has said several things that just left me confused. His actions didn't line up with what he said.

He had said that he wasn't going to attend an all-day event this weekend, so I planned my week so that we could spend time together -- something that we desperately need to do. I told him that I was working hard to make space for us this weekend. The morning of the event, he said he was going. I expressed my disappointment, then he got upset with me. He said that he shouldn't have shared his 'misgivings'.

Later, there was a situation that came up, and he asked if I wanted him to place a call. I said, "no, I need to think about it a bit." After thinking for a few minutes, I said that I would like him to contact the person. He said okay. Then I waited to hear back. Two hours later, I asked whether the person had responded; H said he hadn't contacted the person.

Meanwhile, we were talking about a situation that I'm trying to deal with. He is in a leadership position where it would be appropriate to advocate for me with others. So, I say that I need him to talk with certain people. He said that he couldn't because they won't listen to him.

So, it felt like every time that I brought something to him that I wanted or needed his action, he was unable to do anything. He is fine doing things that he wants to do for me, but if I bring up something else, nothing happens.

So, how do I know when the words that he says are actually what he means and when I can trust him to act in alignment with his words?

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[vortex of confusion]

Over the past week, uBPDh has said several things that just left me confused. His actions didn't line up with what he said.

That is very typical BPD behavior.

So, it felt like every time that I brought something to him that I wanted or needed his action, he was unable to do anything. He is fine doing things that he wants to do for me, but if I bring up something else, nothing happens.

It sounds like a bit of a power play. This is difficult because I have found that I have had to re-evaluate whether or not something needs my husband's attention. He rarely follows through on things. As much as it sucks, it is best to have a back up plan if it is something that is important to you. Why do you need him to advocate for you? Is it possible to advocate for yourself or find somebody else to do it?

So, how do I know when the words that he says are actually what he means and when I can trust him to act in alignment with his words?

You don't know when the words he says are actually what he means. My husband has said some things and when I ask him about it later, he will say, "Oh, I didn't mean that." Um, then don't say it. My husband's actions and words are starting to get a little bit closer to alignment. There for a while, he was so far disconnected from everything and everyone that he wouldn't follow through on much of anything. You can't make them follow through. You can't depend on their words either. It is rough territory to navigate.

[tjay933]

So, it felt like every time that I brought something to him that I wanted or needed his action, he was unable to do anything. He is fine doing things that he wants to do for me, but if I bring up something else, nothing happens.

that pretty much sums it up. if it's something they want to do, they will. but like children, if they don't want to do it, they don't. expect him to do what he wants and not do what you think he may not want to do. there is no pattern. the whole idea of the BPD is themselves. and to keep you on your toes. and to confuse so they can control every situation in your life. i find that you can not rely on stability or consistency in anything concerning them. if you have no expectations, then they have none to break.

[empath]

As much as it sucks, it is best to have a back up plan if it is something that is important to you. Why do you need him to advocate for you? Is it possible to advocate for yourself or find somebody else to do it?

We have multiple roles. He either was the primary contact person or the only other person that is currently able to give perspective on another situation. I have been working with a third party in one of the situations, but I have about reached the limit of what I can do without another person explaining that I have authority in certain areas. The only other person that was part of the discussions is currently very ill. If I had another option, I would take that.

He did end up doing something else that was less directly confrontational and more public in nature, so I do know that he is trying. Just not the way that it needs to be done.

[ydrys017]

"What do those words mean?"

I've asked that a thousand times over the years, sometimes out loud to my uBPDw.  What I get back is "... .I was just talking."  Just like when I ask "why are you looking at houses for sale?" I get back "... .I'm just looking."  Or, "why did you remove your engagement & wedding rings?" I get back "... .it's not like we aren't married, it's just a ring." In other words, she can express whatever she wants and then decide later how I'm supposed to interpret it, whether it is legitimate or not, and not be held accountable.  Remember, accountability and responsibility are key triggers so pwBPD will always give themselves an 'out'.   Now I realize that these actions and responses are the result of BPD, and I work on letting it roll off - and I jump on my backup plan (which I've always had!).

[123Phoebe]

Hi empath,

Over the past week, uBPDh has said several things that just left me confused. His actions didn't line up with what he said.

He had said that he wasn't going to attend an all-day event this weekend, so I planned my week so that we could spend time together -- something that we desperately need to do. I told him that I was working hard to make space for us this weekend. The morning of the event, he said he was going. I expressed my disappointment, then he got upset with me. He said that he shouldn't have shared his 'misgivings'.

I can see how this might be confusing, for both of you actually, if neither of you were real clear in your intent to begin with?  Maybe there's more to it?

What I'm wondering is if when he told you he wasn't going to attend the all-day event, he clearly stated that he would like to spend that time with you?  Was it an assumption on your part that since he wasn't going to the all-day event, this would be a great opportunity to spend some much needed time together, he would agree, without really discussing it with each other?

I have made all kinds of assumptions about my guy and many have been wrong-o, mainly because I wasn't really listening or asking anything; call it selective hearing, I guess.  Picking out what sounds good or right to me rather than discussing what is actually being said.  So, I'd hear "free time" and insert myself into his, when what he might be saying is quite matter of fact: "I'm not going to such and such", "Oh really, why is that?"  Then take it from there... .

No judgement, no ambiguity, just a simple conversation.

Or maybe you had all that and he bailed on your weekend plans anyway?

[empath]

For us, he really dislikes being alone. When he is home for the weekend or even during the week, he assumes that I will be able to interact with him.

I asked about why he wasn't planning to go, and it was because of the people involved. He also wanted to spend time with me; he suggested it in the first place. So, I kept that day open.

[123Phoebe]

For us, he really dislikes being alone. When he is home for the weekend or even during the week, he assumes that I will be able to interact with him.

I asked about why he wasn't planning to go, and it was because of the people involved. He also wanted to spend time with me; he suggested it in the first place. So, I kept that day open.

Hmm, I don't know empath... .

so I planned my week so that we could spend time together -- something that we desperately need to do. I told him that I was working hard to make space for us this weekend.

Is it an assumption to believe that someone will be able to interact with us, when they clear out their schedule, stating that they're working hard to make space for us?  Or in some ways does it become a given?

Were you both on the same page or going about "your time together", coming from different angles?

His being, to not be alone.  Yours being, to spend that time with him.

I realize I'm jumping to all kinds of conclusions, as I'm going only by what you have stated; there are many more nuances involved in real life... .

Did the two of you discuss how you would spend that time together, were there actual plans in place that you were both looking forward to?  Not out of "need", but of common interest?

[empath]

Were you both on the same page or going about "your time together", coming from different angles?

His being, to not be alone.  Yours being, to spend that time with him.

It wasn't a situation where he just didn't want to be alone; he was much more intentional about what he wanted to do instead of going to the event. He was the one who initially brought up his intention of spending the time with each other. I was just going along with his idea and accommodating it.

He doesn't usually like to plan things to do ahead of time, so we hadn't made any specific plans of things to do. Sometimes, this gets him upset because we have to consider our children's situation, too.

[123Phoebe]

It wasn't a situation where he just didn't want to be alone; he was much more intentional about what he wanted to do instead of going to the event. He was the one who initially brought up his intention of spending the time with each other. I was just going along with his idea and accommodating it.

He doesn't usually like to plan things to do ahead of time, so we hadn't made any specific plans of things to do. Sometimes, this gets him upset because we have to consider our children's situation, too.

Would you have liked to have made specific plans?  

[empath]

Not on that day. We had already had many scheduled activities that week, and I was looking forward to some unstructured down-time with H. We don't have a lot of opportunities for that kind of thing these days.

[123Phoebe]

Okay.  Hope you have a nice weekend