Remind Me

[yoshitx]

I am 5 years out.

Left my BPD wife after 23 years.

My kids refused to see her for years.  But they are older now and have started to talk with her.

I need to be reminded that:  Just because she is mostly out of our lives,  she is not going to suddenly be rational in our dealings with her.

I have 9 more alimony payments and my youngest will 18 in 9 months.    Perhaps then it will end.

[NorthernGirl]

Hi.   That's a good reminder. No matter what we all do, the BPD is on her own path. We can only control our own actions.

Do you still have interactions with her? In my DH's case, he has joint guardianship of SS20 (who has special needs) with his ex, so there may be no end.

With your kids being older and you being five years out, have you found other things to keep yourself busy? DH struggled with his kids not needing him as much. He went from feeling as though he was pulled in all directions trying to help all three kids to no having to do much, and it was a hard transition. How about you?

[livednlearned]

23 years is a long time, and it sounds like your kids were so traumatized they didn't want to see her. You have likely been deeply wounded, too, after many years in the marriage, and then the divorce, and aftermath.

How are the kids doing otherwise?

I have one son (13), and the judge terminated visitation. I was awarded full custody, so in many ways, it is over.

But there is a lot of healing to do. My son struggles with depression and anxiety. I believe that deep down, so painful he cannot bear to touch it, S13 feels that he must not be lovable. My hope is that he processes that pain and lets it go so that he does not repeat the same cycle of dysfunction that has affected our families for generations.

I hope your family finds peace and can recover. As challenging as it may be for the kids, it is a good sign that they are talking to their mom. Avoiding the BPD parent often just gives the feelings more force, imo.