UBPDh who is also active alcoholic was drinking all day yesterday (he is a daily heavy drinker, but usually starts a little later in the day). DS22 (who still lives at home) is working on a project that takes him out of town each week for past few months and he comes home on the weekend. DS22 usually leaves early Monday morning, but needed to be there last night so he left at 3p. DS22 had been gone about 1.5 hrs. H comes to me and says "I already miss DS22. I don't like him being gone. I'm not sure I like DS22 doing this job" (DS22 works for our company and is on a project that H assigned to him). I said "I know it's sad. I miss him too" and kept doing what I was doing (fixing supper).
H said "No, I really miss him. Don't you miss him? I miss DS19 too when he isn't here" (DS19 works at a restaurant in town and is also still living at home)
Me: "Yes, I miss him, and I miss DS19 when he isn't with us but kids are supposed to grow up and leave the nest. This is what is supposed to happen."
H: "I know that is what is supposed to happen but I still miss them and hate when they aren't here... .you are different from me... .I don't know how you can not miss them."
Me (and this is where I always seem to mess up): "I do miss them, but they are doing what they are supposed to be doing... .don't make me the bad guy here... ." (I know - all wrong)
H: "I'm not making you the bad guy here; you always (not sure what I always do because I turned off my listening ears); don't worry I am never sharing my feelings with you ever again; useless, just useless... ." then he went on the say "this cabinet is stupid, I am tearing it out and putting in a fireplace." (We just recently had new cabinets installed and one of my faves is a base spice cabinet - that is the one that is getting replaced w a fireplace -
)
2 things - 1. H was drinking and that always heightens any emotion he is feeling and I could say all the right things and still be wrong - alcohol always needs someone to blame.
I actually try to minimize communication when he is drinking, and 2. H is always sad about the kids being gone - when DSS27 was little H would make me leave his toys out when he went back to his mom's because "it makes it seem like he is still here." It was always very melancholy... .
H snarled around till I got supper ready, told our 2 youngest kids (DS14 and DD12) to "come get some slop, yes, just slop, go ahead get some slop" to which they rolled their eyes at me and deep sighed - not their first rodeo
We sat down, started eating and H said "this is really good. What's in it?" and conversed like the last 45 minutes hadn't happened. When we got done hugged me and told me how much he loves me.
What is a better way to validate "I know you feel abandoned when the kids leave" (but you need to suck it up, buttercup, cause it is going to happen!)
Can I offer a different way of looking at this. I'm not afflicted with BPD. My bestfriend is.
However I ofen say things about my feelings/missuing people and my husband would likely say exactly what you say.
Problem is the rationalization doesn't always help the feelings.
My bf frequently comes to me with similar comments and I respond in a way that works for him, and is really what would sooth my heart too.
I would tell him, it hurts because you love them, the kids are very lucky to have that.
We have to be strong and encourage them to grow and make their own life despite the hurt because one day We won't be here and we want them to be strong and thrive.
You can of course change that but I think acknowledging the beauty and blessing of their love, which is at the root of the pain, is the first step. Then adding the motivation for this being good always seems to help.
My bf comes to me with this stuff a lot, especially when drinking. I appreciate his tender heart. I think treating it like your comments read inadvertently demeans their feelings as though it's a weakness, or something to ignore and move on.
Love is beautiful, your kids are lucky to have that. He just doesn't know how to work around his hurt. You can help with that but don't accidentally make him feel small for his big heart.
Hope this doesn't seem judgy, I'm pretty sensitive so this is the one area in dealing with bdf I'm good at.
The push away kills me.
