Pushed therapy too hard today?

[Riverrat]

Well the dBPDgf got a real break in DUI court today, and after the probation meeting proudly announced she has to put all our efforts, available time and funds into her dui treatment so she could get done and get "released" from the program in a year or so.

Naturally, I congratulated her on this "win", as she really isn't much of a drinker unless she's self medicating. But, foolishly asked how she was going to get to the root of the problem, the ":)isorder therapy". (She doesn't know she has BPD yet). "Well that's just gonna have to wait" was the response. And she "can do 90% of fixing herself anyway without some therapist."

She had started with a good therapist she liked, but quit after 2 or 3  sessions, to concentrate on DUI classes. Naturally, I tried logic--Going to the root of her problem, which she acknowledged needs work, but she wants to get this court over with.

Judge told her today "Any police contact will get her serious jail time" Even one of her common rages with police called will get her locked up. So I feel it's a losing battle--only a matter of time for another rage or self medicate drunk fest.

And I think I blew any chance of her wandering back into therapy.

How did others deal with trying to get therapy before it's too late. We tried to get court ordered therapy, but they wouldn't because it's a DUI case.

Everybody thinks she's just a binge drinker, only T, her mom and I know about her BPD. Ever the lawyer doesn't seem to buy it.

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[Rapt Reader]

I'm really sorry for your troubles with your girlfriend, Riverrat  

I'm glad to hear that she had a bit of a positive outcome in Court, but sorry that she is resisting Therapy. We do have an Article that could help you in this regard: How to get a Borderline into Therapy. It is really very informative and helpful, and I learned a lot from it. Here is an excerpt:

If we want to help a loved one to get into therapy and, more importantly, to embrace the therapy, we need to "plug in" and understand both the perceptual filters that our loved one has, and their motivations.  This generally requires a great deal of listening.

Studies show that there are three areas that are most productive for family members to focus on:

Building trust. Not blaming or not finding fault, but rather respecting our loved one's point of view, listening without telling them that they are wrong - especially regarding their point of view that they are not ill if that is their thinking. Amador says that family members and clinicians should listen carefully to the loved one's fears.  "Empathy with the patient's frustrations and even the patient's delusional beliefs are also important", remarked Amador, who said that the phrase "I understand how you feel" can make a world of difference.

Reinforcing the developing awareness.  Reinforce the struggles that the loved one perceives as concerning. One of the most difficult things for family members to do is to limit discussions only to the problems that the loved one with the mental illness perceives as problems - not to try to convince them of others. Work with what you have. It is important to develop a partnership with the loved one around those things that can be agreed upon.

Our belief that the loved one will benefit from treatment.  Our loved one may be happy with where they are and moving them from this position is as much art as it is science - and it may take time.

What Not To Do

Professionals do not recommend that you tell a loved one that you suspect that they have Borderline Personality Disorder. We may think that our loved one will be grateful to have the disorder targeted and will rush into therapy to conquer their demons, but this usually doesn't happen.  Instead, this is difficult advice to receive and more likely to sound critical and shaming (e.g., you are defective) and incite defensiveness, and break down the relationship trust.  It's not like a broken leg where the affliction is tangible, the cure is tangible, and the stigma nonexistent.  While we are grateful to learn about the disorder and the pathways to recovery - for us the information is validating and represents a potential solution to our family problems- to the afflicted, it is shaming (you are defective),  stigmatizing (mental illness in general, Borderline Personality Disorder specifically), and puts all the responsibility for the family problems on the loved one's shoulders.

Very often when we say we want to help a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder, we mean that we want the loved one to stop being a burden to the family, and to better attend to our own needs and expectations.

Not good for us.  If a loved one enters therapy or alters their behavior mostly to please us or out of fear that we will abandon them, are we helping them or are we being selfish and emotionally manipulating?  If so, this is not the best starting point for healing and recovery - and even if successful in getting someone in - will likely see pushback in the form of passive aggressiveness and resentments.

Not good for them.  Loved ones often see these efforts to help as threatening or condescending - even bullying.



I think you would find some good insights and tips by reading the whole Article, Riverrat  

[Panda39]

Well the dBPDgf got a real break in DUI court today, and after the probation meeting proudly announced she has to put all our efforts, available time and funds into her dui treatment so she could get done and get "released" from the program in a year or so.

Naturally, I congratulated her on this "win", as she really isn't much of a drinker unless she's self medicating. But, foolishly asked how she was going to get to the root of the problem, the ":)isorder therapy". (She doesn't know she has BPD yet). "Well that's just gonna have to wait" was the response. And she "can do 90% of fixing herself anyway without some therapist."

She had started with a good therapist she liked, but quit after 2 or 3  sessions, to concentrate on DUI classes. Naturally, I tried logic--Going to the root of her problem, which she acknowledged needs work, but she wants to get this court over with.

Judge told her today "Any police contact will get her serious jail time" Even one of her common rages with police called will get her locked up. So I feel it's a losing battle--only a matter of time for another rage or self medicate drunk fest.

And I think I blew any chance of her wandering back into therapy.

How did others deal with trying to get therapy before it's too late. We tried to get court ordered therapy, but they wouldn't because it's a DUI case.

Everybody thinks she's just a binge drinker, only T, her mom and I know about her BPD. Ever the lawyer doesn't seem to buy it.

I just want to say I'm hearing... .your girlfriend has an alcohol problem, is in denial, that wants to get the DUI stuff done to be done (not to work on the issue).  IMO she is resisting Therapy and her alcohol issues.

[Riverrat]

Thanks Rapt Reader!

I did check out a few previous therapy threads, and will check out this entire reading as well. The subject kind of came up suddenly on me after her hearing and sentencing.

Panda39, We don't see her as a regular alcohol (beer)  user/abuser. Only to release the 'demons' that seem to build up from her BPD. Sometimes it causes a rage, other times it prevents it.  Not even monthly some times. Next day she is back to being normal and not dysregulated. She just got caught driving  a few times, as she sneaks out for more beer.

Thank you both for your valued assistance.