Introduction

[luckygirl424]

Hi, everyone.

I suppose I'll just explain what brought me here. The father of my 4 year old almost certainly suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. We were attending couples counseling (I still go) when the Dr suggested I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells". The behavior described fit him perfectly.

We've been seperated for about 3 weeks now. I recently found out he had been seeing another woman for about 6 months prior to our breakup. I've never known someone who lies the way he does before. He continues to see her.

I want to move on from all this. I want to seek support for my son and heal from all this hurt. His betrayals have been unimaginable and have caused such such scars for me. At this moment, I loathe him and I know how unhealthy that is. I just can't get past it at the moment.

So, thanks for letting me vent and any advice or wisdom is much appreciated. My biggest fear is that he's going to come begging for me to take him back as he's done countless times in the past. He's so pitiful st those times. I do believe all my pity is used up though haha. Thanks so much.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi luckygirl424, Welcome!  Your screen name is apt because you are lucky to be living apart and out of the toxic soup with your BPD SO.  Three weeks is a relatively short period of separation so give yourself some slack knowing that it will take time to heal.  As you predict, you are likely to hear from your SO, who will try to convince you to take him back, probably employing some form of manipulation through F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) to coerce you into giving him another chance.  Don't fall for it!  You need time apart to figure out what is right for you.  LuckyJim

[luckygirl424]

Thank you ! That was my attempt at irony but you make a good point. It looks like I'm on the wrong board because I definitely want to stay out of the relationship but I wanted to thank you for your response.

This has been a nightmare. It's almost like he grieves differently because you're right: I always do hear from him and his pleas consist of crying hysterically, begging, and making me think he's physically sick. It's always just when I begin feeling better too. Why is that? At the beginning of the breakup, I'm devastated and he's just fine, and when I begin to see past the pain and heal, he (according to him. I don't believe one word that comes out of his mouth) falls apart.

Thank you so much for the warm welcome though. Definitely needed it !

[Mutt]

Hi luckygirl424, 



I'm sorry to hear your going through this. His pleas, cries, and feigning he's physically sick is wanting attention and feel bad for him. It can pull at the heart strings.

How's your 4 year old coping with separation? Are you sharing custody? Does he see dad?

[living in the past]

Well good luck to you,just from my reading point of view,and i seen your name on another thread,i would be glad there is no marraige papers to deal with,i think its called the silver lining.

[HappyNihilist]

Hello there, luckygirl, and welcome to bpdfamily! You'll find many people here who understand.

I'm so sorry you and your son are going through this.   It sounds like you have a good counselor, and I'm so glad you're continuing to see him/her. Keep taking care of yourself.  

This has been a nightmare. It's almost like he grieves differently

Again, I'm so sorry, I know it's a nightmare.   But this is a very interesting observation.  

Borderlines do grieve differently. I found this quote from A.J. Mahari (a pwBPD history) helpful in understanding this "inhibited grieving."

One of the hallmarks of Borderline Personality Disorder for many that are diagnosed with it is inhibited grieving.

You cannot grieve what your defenses will not allow you to feel. Your defense mechanisms are largely molded and shaped by both your experiences and by the choices that you make in reaction to those experiences. Many of those choices are entirely subconscious at the time they were made. All choices - even the ones you don't make have consequences. That is what is so challenging about learning to grieve.

Grieving is inhibited when it is channeled in unhealthy directions. Often borderlines re-route this grief into anger, acting out and self-sabotage. The pain of grieving, in the long run is truly less than the pain that borderline behaviour often only compounds.

Basically, you are on a journey of healing in a healthy way, and he is not. That can make things especially painful and difficult.

These relationships often leave a wake of destruction, and we're left to process through the debris. Meanwhile our exes just continue on their stormy way, occasionally circling back around to stir up some more dust and bones.

The great thing is, though, that we can rebuild. We've seen what we're made of - we've been stripped to our foundations. We can keep the parts that work for us, discard the ones that don't, repair and strengthen our foundation, and accept with grace the flaws and cracks that, far from detracting from our value, celebrate that our histories and stories are what make us unique and beautiful.

 

[Lucky Jim]

These relationships often leave a wake of destruction, and we're left to process through the debris. Meanwhile our exes just continue on their stormy way, occasionally circling back around to stir up some more dust and bones.

The great thing is, though, that we can rebuild. We've seen what we're made of - we've been stripped to our foundations. We can keep the parts that work for us, discard the ones that don't, repair and strengthen our foundation, and accept with grace the flaws and cracks that, far from detracting from our value, celebrate that our histories and stories are what make us unique and beautiful.

Great stuff, HappyNihilist!

[luckygirl424]

Thank you so much, everyone. You know, I've been through a divorce and even that wasn't as painful as this! And the rabbit hole deepens... .

Yes, my son does see his dad. My ex has already introduced him to my current replacement, which drives me crazy, but there's nothing I can do about that. I don't want to give him any satisfaction and let him know it hurts me so I havent said a word. In the meantime, he is saying that he intends on getting sole custody of our son and is contemplating moving back down south with him! He hasn't said this to me directly, but he runs his mouth to anyone who'll listen. He also informed me that he lost his job when he found out that I filed a petition for child support. Uh! It's just awful to say this but I cant stand him! He hasn't given me a dime as far as helping with our son! I'm just so angry.

That quote was extremely enlightening. Thank you so much! It really does explain a lot. It's so hard to wrap my head around especially because I'm finding out more and more that (and I'm not exaggerating ) literally every single thing that spews forth from his mouth is a fabrication. I cringe when I imagine what he's telling people in the small town that I live in. I've never been all that worried about what others think of me but it still bothers me some.

But thank you so much, everyone. It's nice to know I have a place to vent and people to relate to. I'm still learning how to navigate this site, and am far from computer savvy so I apologize for the delayed response. This is such a wonderful site. I'm grateful for it and all of you

[living in the past]

 Its Good to read your post reply,its sounds like you have been through a lot,and some hard struggles ahead, i am just trying to be positive here,Thank God your an individual now separate from him,standing on on your own,good luck to you.