Just Get Tired... too demanding

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

You ever just get tired of their constant demands.  My uBPDbf has been stressed and I totally get that.  His father is still in the hospital because waiting on a nursing home placement for rehab.  I can't really help and keep some distance because I'm not their child and it's not my place.  This has been going on for a week.  On saturday after going out together, he verbally attacked me on how I don't care and wasn't there for him.

Yesterday, my bf, on his own chose to take the day off from work and go to the hospital with his mom.  Nothing got finalized.  When he got home after a long day, I greeted him at the door, gave him a kiss/hug and asked if he wanted me to make something for him to eat, recorded his tv show he missed and just sat with him.  He then decided to just up and go to bed an hour before we usually do.  So I went up, said goodnight & gave him a kiss, he just sort of blew me off.  I then got in bed and watched some tv.

He then started mumbling things that I don't care, blah, blah.  I got a bit frustrated and said "I'm not the one to blame that your dad is in the hospital."  "I understand you had a long day and if you want to snuggle then just come to bed."  He constantly uses me as the target.  I'm not looking for a thank you, or any kind of attention... .BUT I refuse to be a TARGET CONSTANTLY!

[FigureIt]

You ever just get tired of their constant demands.  My uBPDbf has been stressed and I totally get that.  His father is still in the hospital because waiting on a nursing home placement for rehab.  I can't really help and keep some distance because I'm not their child and it's not my place.  This has been going on for a week.  On saturday after going out together, he verbally attacked me on how I don't care and wasn't there for him.

Yesterday, my bf, on his own chose to take the day off from work and go to the hospital with his mom.  Nothing got finalized.  When he got home after a long day, I greeted him at the door, gave him a kiss/hug and asked if he wanted me to make something for him to eat, recorded his tv show he missed and just sat with him.  He then decided to just up and go to bed an hour before we usually do.  So I went up, said goodnight & gave him a kiss, he just sort of blew me off.  I then got in bed and watched some tv.

He then started mumbling things that I don't care, blah, blah.  I got a bit frustrated and said "I'm not the one to blame that your dad is in the hospital."  "I understand you had a long day and if you want to snuggle then just come to bed."  He constantly uses me as the target.  I'm not looking for a thank you, or any kind of attention... .BUT I refuse to be a TARGET CONSTANTLY!

[123Phoebe]

FigureIt, have you asked your bf in all sincerity, if there's anything at all you can do for him?  Because you really really care about him?  So much so that he feels it, he feels that you really care.

[FigureIt]

I have asked that.  I ask a lot if there is anything he needs or I can do.  His response is always "No".

Even when I do, do things, like pick him up food he likes, spend a week getting the phone/tv service all fixed and set for his mom.  That is not enough or qualifies and being there.

[Michelle27]

I went through years of this.  He would rage with the result being that he wanted me to do something for him.  I ended up feeling like on of those circus performers balancing sticks of spinning plates and bowls, always having to add a new one to my repertoire.  I realized at one point that his rages were never about what he ultimately asked me to add to my plate, but I constantly felt like the goalposts were being moved.  In the meantime, if I asked for something, which was rare, it would be met with promises but no follow through. 

It's my understanding that people with BPD can't regulate their own emotions so they expect us to by changing our behavior.  My husband now recognizes that no matter what he asked that I would do, it didn't help.  So I no longer will entertain these kind of demands. 

[FigureIt]

So, I no longer will entertain these kind of demands. 

How do you deal with their anti-you, coloring you negative and not there?

[Lucky Jim]

I ended up feeling like on of those circus performers balancing sticks of spinning plates and bowls, always having to add a new one to my repertoire.

Great analogy, Michelle27.  I used to say that my BPDx's motto was, "Never Enough!"  She always had another plate or bowl for me to spin.  But everyone has limits and eventually the crockery crashed to the ground . . . which was all my fault, of course!

Been there; done that!

LuckyJim

[Michelle27]

So, I no longer will entertain these kind of demands. 

How do you deal with their anti-you, coloring you negative and not there?

I didn't deal with it well at first.  I jumped in full force trying to "fix" our relationship.  But finally when he had no interest or desire (based on his actions... .although his words were of course always saying he did), I disengaged emotionally and started taking care of myself.  It led to huge health improvements (I'm now 140 lbs less than my highest ever and in the best shape of my entire life) however that also opened the door to his fear of abandonment because he realized that I was much more desirable to others and had obviously emotionally detached.  Now he's in panic mode... .scrambling to supposedly get help (I'm not sure I believe it's not just another manipulated attempt).  My counselor described that in a relationship both partners need to "stay in their own lane" and while I'm glad to no longer be codependent, I'm seriously irritated with him for forcing himself into my "lane" (ie, all of my interests lately).    So I'm not sure yet that I handled it "right" although the results have changed my life. 

[FigureIt]

I ended up feeling like on of those circus performers balancing sticks of spinning plates and bowls, always having to add a new one to my repertoire.

Great analogy, Michelle27.  I used to say that my BPDx's motto was, "Never Enough!"  She always had another plate or bowl for me to spin.  But everyone has limits and eventually the crockery crashed to the ground . . . which was all my fault, of course!

Been there; done that!

LuckyJim

I totally feel the "Never Enough!"  also, if I'm able to help or do something.  I'm suppose to be able to read his mind.  Which I think is just bs! 

I don't know how people who stay are happy.  There is something every other day or week.  I have my mom to vent to, and she's wonderful and listens, but I am not happy with him/around him.  There is always a downswing.

I am existing.  I would like him to leave, but he refuses to.  I have a D9 and it's not fair to move her out of her home.

[Mustbeabetterway]

I ended up feeling like on of those circus performers balancing sticks of spinning plates and bowls, always having to add a new one to my repertoire.

Great analogy, Michelle27.  I used to say that my BPDx's motto was, "Never Enough!"  She always had another plate or bowl for me to spin.  But everyone has limits and eventually the crockery crashed to the ground . . . which was all my fault, of course!

Been there; done that!

LuckyJim

I last posted on the staying board.  I said the r/s would be different because I was different.  I am and it has been.  I have been spinning those plates, too.  That is a great analogy Michelle22.  It just is not worth it.  I love my husband, but love isn't enough.  

In the past two weeks, he has thrown something, yelled f***. Y** at me.  He says well you didn't want me to call you names.  He yelled I don't want to have sex with you, etc etc He thinks I am having an affair.  

Then the next few days - why are you keeping your things upstairs?  Are we ever going to have sex again?  Texting me I hope you have a good day.

I gave in and reciprocated with nice texts, cooking dinner, etc.  then Two weeks later I  am right back in the same boat again.  

I think I am guilty of trying too hard when I should have left years ago.  I am at the end of my patience.

[Michelle27]

Mustbeabetterway:  That is exactly my fear.  That if I "relent" and sort of relax into the relationship with the things I now know and open myself up emotionally, we'll just go back to the same patterns.  In fact, in talking about how we could move forward after I made it clear that I was so far "done" that I wondered if there was no way we could get our relationship to a healthy place, and when I laid out my boundaries (no more rages in my presence.  None.  And he needed to be actively pursuing psychiatric care and DBT), he actually said he would but that I needed to open myself up.  I told him the following story:  Imagine there's a lion in the jungle stalking a herd of elk.  One by one, the lion starts picking off the elk family until there is one left.  The lion approaches the last remaining elk and says, "I know you're upset about the loss of your family.  Come here and I'll console you.".  Yeah, he's the lion and I am the elk... .no way is it safe yet for me to be open emotionally to him yet.  So instead, I'm learning and using the tools while at the same time working my butt off at working on me so I can come out of this either in or out of a relationship with him stronger than ever. 

[FigureIt]

Mustbeabetterway:  That is exactly my fear.  That if I "relent" and sort of relax into the relationship with the things I now know and open myself up emotionally, we'll just go back to the same patterns. 

I completely understand.  This has happened.  My uBPDbf has been in counseling, although I don't really feel that he always addresses this issues.  Alot of times I think he uses counseling to just complain about me.  But, I have opened up and/or relaxed and it has come back and SLAPPED me in the face.  He will just brush it off as he's slipped and a quick I'm sorry.  I've noticed more now some of the little kind things that most people do, just don't happen because their entire life is about them. 

(ex. my uBPDbf went out drinking -until drunk, both Fri. & Sat. night.  On Sunday he's suppose to get up and feed the dogs, I did because he had a long week, and was still sleeping... .Not one little "Thank you" is mentioned.  Because he's irritated with me that I wouldn't go out (not that he couldn't stay home), because it was my weekend with my D9)

[Loosestrife]

Plate spinning is a thankless task, especially after a few minutes you get asked "why are you spinning that plate? Oh, didn't I mention that I changed my mind about what plates I wanted you to spin and you should have got that without me having to actually tell you- but keep spinning and I will keep playing as this is meeting my needs moment by moment even though this is going to erode your self respect and healthy over the time of our relationship".

What Michelle27 says is true, the only way is to detach and do your own thing. You then need to question if this is the type of relationship you want - where your doing things on your own and not in a partnership. These relationships are very lonely. A lot of people seem to use their children as a reason to stay together, but from what I've read it seems to do the children more harm than good to be a live in witness to a dysfunctional relationship.

It sounds like you could do with a holiday or a break to take stock.  

[FigureIt]

I ended my marriage to the father of my D9 because he was verbally abusive and did not want my daughter to be raised as that being "normal."  I spent 4 years dating my ex-husband before being married for 9 years.  When I met my current uBPDbf I only dated for 1 year before buying a house together.  We co-own the home and I put the downpayment on it.  STUPID ME!  All around!

It is a great house, my D9 has one more year in elementary before moving to the middle school.  We have 2 dogs which I am the primary care giver.  I have asked my uBPDbf to move out before, he refuses.  He gets very nasty.  His children are 23 & 17, don't live with us and rarely visit.  Right now I'm saving money and trying to get to next summer.

I use these discussion boards to keep my sanity and get through.  My mom & dad are there and wonderful, but I feel bad venting to them.  I am sorry many of you have experienced the things you have... .You are all special, wonderful people in your own right and uniqueness and no one deserves to feel less

[Michelle27]

I ended my marriage to the father of my D9 because he was verbally abusive and did not want my daughter to be raised as that being "normal."  I spent 4 years dating my ex-husband before being married for 9 years.  When I met my current uBPDbf I only dated for 1 year before buying a house together.  We co-own the home and I put the downpayment on it.  STUPID ME!  All around!

It is a great house, my D9 has one more year in elementary before moving to the middle school.  We have 2 dogs which I am the primary care giver.  I have asked my uBPDbf to move out before, he refuses.  He gets very nasty.  His children are 23 & 17, don't live with us and rarely visit.  Right now I'm saving money and trying to get to next summer.

I use these discussion boards to keep my sanity and get through.  My mom & dad are there and wonderful, but I feel bad venting to them.  I am sorry many of you have experienced the things you have... .You are all special, wonderful people in your own right and uniqueness and no one deserves to feel less

Ironic.  I left my first marriage because he was physically and emotionally abusive but not to "save" myself, it was to protect my then 5 year old daughter from learning this example of marriage.  When I met my current uBPDh, I was open about what I had been through and I am now convinced that he saw me as someone he could "rescue" and looking back, he became exactly what he thought I needed.  I thought I had hit the relationship jackpot and things were great for 7 years until he "crashed" and now I believe he had been high functioning BPD before that and then couldn't hold it together anymore.

It's ironic because when he crashed, my DD from my first marriage (as well as myself) became the target for his rages.  So much for protecting her... .

I am most definitely trying to decide whether to stay or not.  The detaching and doing my own things is making me feel like there's no way I'll ever get my needs genuinely met by him.  Therapy has helped me let go of much of my anger and resentments for 9 years of rages but there is still some left behind that  may or may not let me relax into the relationship ever again.  He knows this but still thinks we can make it.  *shrugs*  Time will tell I suppose.

[FigureIt]

When I met my current uBPDh, I was open about what I had been through and I am now convinced that he saw me as someone he could "rescue" and looking back, he became exactly what he thought I needed.  I thought I had hit the relationship jackpot and things were great for 7 years until he "crashed" and now I believe he had been high functioning BPD before that and then couldn't hold it together anymore.[/quote]
That is ironic, my uBPDbf saw me as someone to save too.  And I opened up to him about everything, even a indiscretion at the end of my marriage and multiple times he has used all my weaknesses from that time against me (even 4 years later). 

My bf is high functioning too, outside of me.  He hasn't raged on my daughter, but has used her to try to get to me.

He has even taken pictures of her room, when messy to try to scare me by threatening to send the pictures to my ex-husband.  I don't even react anymore.

[Mustbeabetterway]

What Michelle27 says is true, the only way is to detach and do your own thing. You then need to question if this is the type of relationship you want - where your doing things on your own and not in a partnership. These relationships are very lonely. A lot of people seem to use their children as a reason to stay together, but from what I've read it seems to do the children more harm than good to be a live in witness to a dysfunctional relationship.

It sounds like you could do with a holiday or a break to take stock.  

Mustbeabetterway:  That is exactly my fear.  That if I "relent" and sort of relax into the relationship with the things I now know and open myself up emotionally, we'll just go back to the same patterns. 

(ex. my uBPDbf went out drinking -until drunk, both Fri. & Sat. night.  On Sunday he's suppose to get up and feed the dogs, I did because he had a long week, and was still sleeping... .Not one little "Thank you" is mentioned.  Because he's irritated with me that I wouldn't go out (not that he couldn't stay home), because it was my weekend with my D9)

Yes, Loosestrife and Michelle27, It is lonely.  Deciding to be true to myself has me doing things solo.  We used to go out to a bar every Friday and sometimes Saturday, same place,same stuff.  I just felt like I was wasting my time.  I have many more interests.  Once my uBPDh would start drinking he never wanted to leave.  Sometimes we would argue on the way home bc you know I was the des. Driver and drunk people are irrational.   I had been doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - definition of crazy.  I just bowed put of this except for about once a month where I can see our friends who hang out there.  I insist that we agree upon a time to leave beforehand and I stick to it.

Now he goes w/o me.  I was babysitting darling grandbaby on Saturday and instead of enjoying any part of that time with us, he made plans to be gone from 8 am until 11 pm. 

It is his grandchild, too.

Mustbeabetterway:  That is exactly my fear.  That if I "relent" and sort of relax into the relationship with the things I now know and open myself up emotionally, we'll just go back to the same patterns.   no way is it safe yet for me to be open emotionally to him yet.  So instead, I'm learning and using the tools while at the same time working my butt off at working on me so I can come out of this either in or out of a relationship with him stronger than ever. 

Michelle27, this is my intent - to get stronger and live more authentically and see what shakes out.  It is encouraging to hear from all of you. 

[FigureIt]

Mustbeabetterway I completely understand

"We used to go out to a bar every Friday and sometimes Saturday, same place,same stuff.  I just felt like I was wasting my time.  I have many more interests.  Once my uBPDh would start drinking he never wanted to leave.  Sometimes we would argue on the way home bc you know I was the des. Driver and drunk people are irrational."

My uBPDbf wants to do this one if not two days every weekend.  It's not fun anymore.  I'd rather do other things.  When my D9 is home everyother weekend I have a reason, but when she's not, he does the whole "poor me, you don't want to be with me."  He plays the whole "abandonment" card.  I had my D9 this past weekend he went out both Friday & Saturday and didn't get home until after 1:00am, and I even offered to join him at a family restaurant, I got no response.  Because he really just wanted to get drunk.

1) If I go out with him, he's drunk, wants to stay out all night, I don't really enjoy myself.

2) If I don't go with him, I'm horrible, I don't want to be with him, etc.

I've tried to negotiate times, I've tried to find other things to do. NO LUCK... .

[Michelle27]

Yes, it is very lonely.  I think that's what I'm struggling with the most.  All the work I've done on myself the past few years has brought me to the realization that I do in fact deserve more than I have settled for.  It makes me feel like I've wasted so many years of my life.  By the same token however, I know that having gone through what I have has pushed me into doing work on myself I don't know if I would have otherwise.  That is a positive.