Is doing well for yourself a trigger for a pwBPD?

[EaglesJuju]

Lately I have been in a really good place mentally. I told my bf that I have been feeling better than I have in years. Ever since I told him how well I am doing, it has been a complete contradiction in his behavior.

His expectations/view of me is completely conflicting.  On one hand, he wants me to be happy and doing well so I can be the "emotional caretaker" and "strong" partner.  He has told me that he is so happy for me. 

Conversely, he becomes paranoid if I am doing "too well." He becomes paranoid that I am going to move on and leave him. Sometimes, I almost feel that he resents me for doing well.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? I am assuming that I triggered him some how. 

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[tjay933]

yes. mine would be triggered whenever he would see I was "happy". so I eventually learned to show no "happiness" as this would result in an explosion on his part. I know now that wasn't the healthiest way to deal with that.

I think it comes from the enmeshing. they think that the two of you should be the same and if you are doing good and they aren't feeling like they are, then the fear of abandonment and realization that you are two and not one individual kicks in. just my thoughts. 

[Zon]

My wife has more NPD in her to handle situations where I am doing better.  It gives her money to feed her narcissism (i.e., make the house look nicer and take family trips) to a degree.  I think when I am doing better with my career, she is less likely to leave me.  She did threaten long ago to leave me if I lost my job.  I did not realize it at the time, but I was mildly depressed and extremely stressed and anxious.  How dare I be a victim! 

With that said, I do think the fact that I am accomplishing things in my life while she is stagnating is like rubbing salt in her wound.  I cannot do anything about that because we need for me to make money.  She will talk a lot about doing things (more education or getting a job with her degree), but it never happens.  When I lost my job, she talked about getting a job to help the family.  Nada.  Not even an application.  To trigger her, I only need to ask if I can help her accomplish one of those.  I have not done that in a long time because it only stirs the hornet's nest.

I am rarely in situations where she can think I may leave her due to my dislike of social gatherings.  That probably makes her feel safer.

EaglesJuju, remember the 1st law of BPD:  Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Murphy the BPD corollary:  And at the worst possible time.

[ColdEthyl]

My wife has more NPD in her to handle situations where I am doing better.  It gives her money to feed her narcissism (i.e., make the house look nicer and take family trips) to a degree.  I think when I am doing better with my career, she is less likely to leave me.  She did threaten long ago to leave me if I lost my job.  I did not realize it at the time, but I was mildly depressed and extremely stressed and anxious.  How dare I be a victim! 

With that said, I do think the fact that I am accomplishing things in my life while she is stagnating is like rubbing salt in her wound.  I cannot do anything about that because we need for me to make money.  She will talk a lot about doing things (more education or getting a job with her degree), but it never happens.  When I lost my job, she talked about getting a job to help the family.  Nada.  Not even an application.  To trigger her, I only need to ask if I can help her accomplish one of those.  I have not done that in a long time because it only stirs the hornet's nest.

I am rarely in situations where she can think I may leave her due to my dislike of social gatherings.  That probably makes her feel safer.

EaglesJuju, remember the 1st law of BPD:  Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Murphy the BPD corollary:  And at the worst possible time.

@Eaglesjuju short answer is yes. When you are doing better, it makes them feel insecure that you might leave. When I started to work out more... .my H freaked out. When I mentioned starting counseling for myself... .he tried to talk me out of it.


@Zon my H has decided not to work for the past year, and he does that same thing. Sometimes he's happy for me and wants me to advance in my career, other times he gripes that "I get to talk to people all day long" and "I'm probably going to leave him for some doctor and I should"

When my H is talking about how useless he is for not working... .i always ask him what he would like to do about that, and it's no response... .usually a subject change. He's sort of trailing off whining about it as much... .I'm going to try to apply that sentence in other conversations to see if it has the same effect.

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, my husband seems irritated if I'm having too much fun with my friends. Then he will feel "left out" even though he doesn't want to participate in our activities. It's a mis-match if I'm too happy when he's chronically depressed.

After learning so much on these boards, I'm not willing to diminish my light to try and make him feel better. I've spent a lifetime worrying about other people's emotional states. Now I'm figuring it's up to them to deal with their feelings. IT'S NOT MY JOB. 

I'm not going to be confrontational or unpleasant about it, but I'm at the point where I don't give a s#it about his grumpiness. He's welcome to have any emotional state he chooses.

[rarsweet]

I totally agree, mine did not want me to lose the baby weight, actually flipped out when someone commented on how I lost the weight so quickly, I was pre baby weight in 17 days.

[EaglesJuju]

Thanks for the responses.  

I figured this was why he has been acting more distant and avoidant than usual. I tried using validation, but that did not work.  He claims that he is too reliant on me for validation and needs to learn to validate himself.

EaglesJuju, remember the 1st law of BPD:  Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Murphy the BPD corollary:  And at the worst possible time.

This is so true.    

[ColdEthyl]

@Eagles mine has said to me before " I don't need your praise" ... .I almost spit my coffee out.

[Zon]

With that said, I do think the fact that I am accomplishing things in my life while she is stagnating is like rubbing salt in her wound.  I cannot do anything about that because we need for me to make money.  She will talk a lot about doing things (more education or getting a job with her degree), but it never happens.  When I lost my job, she talked about getting a job to help the family.  Nada.  Not even an application.  To trigger her, I only need to ask if I can help her accomplish one of those.  I have not done that in a long time because it only stirs the hornet's nest.

@Zon my H has decided not to work for the past year, and he does that same thing. Sometimes he's happy for me and wants me to advance in my career, other times he gripes that "I get to talk to people all day long" and "I'm probably going to leave him for some doctor and I should"

When my H is talking about how useless he is for not working... .i always ask him what he would like to do about that, and it's no response... .usually a subject change. He's sort of trailing off whining about it as much... .I'm going to try to apply that sentence in other conversations to see if it has the same effect.

My wife has done a little bit of part time work but has not worked full time in about eight years.  I work from home, so it is hard to bring some doctor into the home without her knowing.    I would think the situation would help her out of the house to work.  I can work yet be here for the bus when it arrives.

Please let me know how that goes with the same sentence.  I am curious what effect you get.

[Michelle27]

WOW yes.  Funny because I noticed the pattern after awhile and now that my uBPDh has me all painted white and is doing backflips to try to keep me (I came very close to ending the marriage a few months ago, and have decided to stay for one more try with huge boundaries in place) and claims to want to work on his issues, we've talked about how bad things got.  I asked him why it seemed like every time I have something good going on in my life, it seemed he had to have a rage.  He agreed that he didn't like it when I was happy with something, knew he was doing it but still doesn't understand why.  I've had a few "good" things this past few weeks (my birthday, accomplishing a fitness goal I've been working on for a long time, a concert last night with my favorite band, 5K race this weekend, etc.) and I can see he is struggling.  He knows one more dysregulation and I am truly done, so he is struggling (there is a plan in place if he does, he can leave... .and he knows this is non negotiable).  It'll be interesting to see how the next week or so pans out... .

[agoodperson]

Hi ya Eagles,

Yup... .my uBPDw always thinks I am ready to move on because I am "on their side." (the "their" takes on different identities depending on what I am doing that day or moment.)  She always believes there is someone to take me away or that I'll be drawn to and away from her... .

Sigh... .DIID/DIID!

Peace,

AGP