Looked over my earlier posts

[Vatz]

So I went WAY back when I first posted here. I was 23.

Looking back at how I sounded, and what I talked about I can gather a few things.

My problems-the ones that seem to be shaping my life and relationships, must have started long before I met my BPDEx. Extremely insecure, yet somehow really selfish. Then there is my fiery temperament, which due to both insecurity and a number of other factors, that anger never really gets let out. It turns inward and only gets worse. These thought-patterns have formed throughout adolescence and I'm suspecting that they may have crippled me emotionally. I am not a fully realized person, and no matter how many times I hear it "I'm me" isn't going to cut it. Who am I? Just some overly-sensitive, selfish, nobody. I haven't accomplished anything, and my relationships were all a joke. I never had a normal relationship with a normal person.

To be totally honest, I don't know if I'm going to be okay. I'll live, and who knows I might run into someone who likes me. But there will always be this space between me and the rest of the world and it's all self-imposed. I never fully enjoy anything because I'm always wondering what the other people are saying about me, what they're thinking. How they're all just laughing at me. Many years ago, while I was still in high-school I told a therapist that no matter what I do I'll always just be some stupid ___ing clown to everyone. I act weird or a little unhinged because at least then no one has to see that I'm really just a boring sad and angry nobody. No one has the time or the mental bandwidth for that.

I opened up to a friend. She always seems so confident, even though as a kid they made fun of her as well. But I don't have that confidence, that strong sense of being. It's like night and day, at least that's how it seems. But when I told her about how sad I felt most days, she didn't push me away. But what did I do? I apologized about opening up. I said "I'm really sorry, I'm hoping I didn't scare you off." I *NEED* to tell someone, but don't believe I'm worth listening to. So talking about it to someone face-to-face is difficult. In a way, I admire her resilience and wish I was more like her. Able to deal with the pressures and forge ahead. I'm stuck, and have no one to blame but myself.

This was a bit of a rant, so I'll try to get to the crux of the matter. I'm angry, insecure, and depressed. These are facts. I'm unable to have a relationship where I can actually relax because I'm constantly on edge, as though any minute the next best thing comes along, and I'm replaced. This was how I felt prior to being with my unstable ex. I don't have a sense that I can affect my destiny, because when you always feel at the mercy of the whims of those you love then it's no surprise. But again, insecurity is the biggest one. It's the reason behind all of this. I wouldn't be at others' mercy if I thought I had any better choices.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm incapable of changing, or that it will be too late should I make any effective alterations. I don't want to be like this anymore, but I don't remember a day where I actually felt confident and strong. I was never good enough. Not for my parents, not for most employers, not for friends, not for the women I wanted. As for being good enough for "me," I've never even really thought about it. My own opinion of myself has been entirely irrelevant in my life. There is no "me" because he's never been good enough so his thoughts don't matter. It's like I don't really exist, I don't have a sense of self. It never developed. I am not a person. I am just something desperately seeking the approval of those around me hoping that if I conform to a standard that actual real people consider "correct" then maybe I can be a person. But even if I fit a mold, I'll still be empty at this rate. Just a husk.

Sorry... .the desire to reach out is overriding the fear that I'll be punished somehow. That's why I'm sorry for the long post, because deep down I'm always terrified that whenever I share I'll be rejected because my sharing just annoys.

[Rifka]

So I went WAY back when I first posted here. I was 23.

Looking back at how I sounded, and what I talked about I can gather a few things.

My problems-the ones that seem to be shaping my life and relationships, must have started long before I met my BPDEx. Extremely insecure, yet somehow really selfish. Then there is my fiery temperament, which due to both insecurity and a number of other factors, that anger never really gets let out. It turns inward and only gets worse. These thought-patterns have formed throughout adolescence and I'm suspecting that they may have crippled me emotionally. I am not a fully realized person, and no matter how many times I hear it "I'm me" isn't going to cut it. Who am I? Just some overly-sensitive, selfish, nobody. I haven't accomplished anything, and my relationships were all a joke. I never had a normal relationship with a normal person.

To be totally honest, I don't know if I'm going to be okay. I'll live, and who knows I might run into someone who likes me. But there will always be this space between me and the rest of the world and it's all self-imposed. I never fully enjoy anything because I'm always wondering what the other people are saying about me, what they're thinking. How they're all just laughing at me. Many years ago, while I was still in high-school I told a therapist that no matter what I do I'll always just be some stupid ___ing clown to everyone. I act weird or a little unhinged because at least then no one has to see that I'm really just a boring sad and angry nobody. No one has the time or the mental bandwidth for that.

I opened up to a friend. She always seems so confident, even though as a kid they made fun of her as well. But I don't have that confidence, that strong sense of being. It's like night and day, at least that's how it seems. But when I told her about how sad I felt most days, she didn't push me away. But what did I do? I apologized about opening up. I said "I'm really sorry, I'm hoping I didn't scare you off." I *NEED* to tell someone, but don't believe I'm worth listening to. So talking about it to someone face-to-face is difficult. In a way, I admire her resilience and wish I was more like her. Able to deal with the pressures and forge ahead. I'm stuck, and have no one to blame but myself.

This was a bit of a rant, so I'll try to get to the crux of the matter. I'm angry, insecure, and depressed. These are facts. I'm unable to have a relationship where I can actually relax because I'm constantly on edge, as though any minute the next best thing comes along, and I'm replaced. This was how I felt prior to being with my unstable ex. I don't have a sense that I can affect my destiny, because when you always feel at the mercy of the whims of those you love then it's no surprise. But again, insecurity is the biggest one. It's the reason behind all of this. I wouldn't be at others' mercy if I thought I had any better choices.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm incapable of changing, or that it will be too late should I make any effective alterations. I don't want to be like this anymore, but I don't remember a day where I actually felt confident and strong. I was never good enough. Not for my parents, not for most employers, not for friends, not for the women I wanted. As for being good enough for "me," I've never even really thought about it. My own opinion of myself has been entirely irrelevant in my life. There is no "me" because he's never been good enough so his thoughts don't matter. It's like I don't really exist, I don't have a sense of self. It never developed. I am not a person. I am just something desperately seeking the approval of those around me hoping that if I conform to a standard that actual real people consider "correct" then maybe I can be a person. But even if I fit a mold, I'll still be empty at this rate. Just a husk.

Sorry... .the desire to reach out is overriding the fear that I'll be punished somehow. That's why I'm sorry for the long post, because deep down I'm always terrified that whenever I share I'll be rejected because my sharing just annoys.

vatz,

. I'm not annoyed! I'm sorry that you believe these thing about yourself and feel so much pain. Do you have the ability to see a proper t who might be able to help you develop a better self image?

I wish I could hug you through the screen and tell you that you are worthy. I would imagine that there are skilled ts to help you get there.

You are welcome to pm me anytime.

Rifka

[Pingo]

"Sorry... .the desire to reach out is overriding the fear that I'll be punished somehow. That's why I'm sorry for the long post, because deep down I'm always terrified that whenever I share I'll be rejected because my sharing just annoys."

Hi Vatz, I think it takes a lot of courage to reach out... .something I struggle with. I grew up being taught to never need anyone and don't ask for help. And then when I needed help, I didn't know how to ask. It's a lonely place. I commend you for doing so!

You say you don't have a sense of self. That you are always looking for other's approval, trying to fit their idea of what you should be. I can relate to this. I have spent my whole life worrying about this. And here I am, 45 years old, looking back at my life and wondering why I couldn't have just had a normal life. A normal family, a loving upbringing. Why did I end up in so many miserable r/ss, 2 failed marriages? Estranged from my family? Some days it just doesn't seem fair. But it is my reality. I might not have been able to choose my upbringing and I was too deep in my own dysfunctional coping mechanisms to be in a healthy, successful r/s before. But I can choose my future! I can question my old patterns and determine if they are still working for me. I can choose to travel a new road!

I know you feel mired down in depression and that makes it very difficult to see yourself objectively. But what I see is a very insightful young man. A man who writes very eloquently, expressive, authentic, courageous and vulnerable. Keep reaching out! 

Something I have found very helpful in learning who I am in an authentic way as an individual is figuring out my core values. I literally googled 'values list' and found a list with a few hundred values and I went through them, picking out what I valued and then from my list picked out the most important ones. It's something that I can hang on to. No matter who rejects me or how lonely I feel, I can have integrity because I live by my core values. They define me and guide me. Sort of like a compass. (ironically my uBPDexh had zero of my core values once I listed them... .how I thought we could be happy together was truly magical thinking!)

[Ihope2]

Hi Again Vatz,

I'm hardly on this website any more, but when I am on and I see a post of yours, I know it will be worthwhile to read what you have written.

I am always amazed by what an intelligent person you are, and how clearly and honestly you set things out in your writing.

I'm sorry that your background years were full of rejection and not feeling good enough.  I really understand about feeling awkward and spare and stupid.

I have suffered from a similar affliction and it's frustrating to see myself acting one way with people, but knowing down inside that this is not the way I really am. As an example, even today at my ripe age of 45 years, I am a really good motor vehicle driver when I drive alone, but as soon as someone else is in the car with me, I become all self-conscious and do really dumb things like change the gear into the wrong gear, or pull away from a traffic light all stupidly so that the car stalls on me... .!  Really dumn stuff.  And then I get angry and think why the hell must I suffer from this self-consciousness and why do I shoot myself in the foot in the presence of others with my awkward ways, and others float around like social butterflies and say and do such elegant things!

I guess it is all relative, there are many like us, just as there are many super-confident and achieving folks out there.

Coming to acceptance of our lacking childhood and our developmental backlogs is key, I think, to build on a hopeful future.  We can beat this thing and let our real selves shine through in the end. 

I also just want to add that I would feel incredibly proud to have such an emotionally switched on and intelligent young man  such as youreself as my son if I was your parent.  We cannot help it that our parents rejected us or failed us for whatever reason. That is their great loss.  The pain of it does sting for the rest of our lifetime, but we can lessen its sting by learning to love ourselves even if our parents failed us.

All will be well with you Vatz.

[Grey Kitty]

So I went WAY back when I first posted here. I was 23.

Looking back at how I sounded, and what I talked about I can gather a few things.

You are 27 now if I follow correctly. I'm 47. Three of my closest friends and supporters are now 35, 53, and ~60. They have figured out that the series of crises and crap that their life was constantly throwing at them was mostly self-chosen. I'd say that they hit that point respectively two, five, and ~ten years ago. Every one of them was older than 27 at that point! And each of them has spent more time learning deeper aspects of the same damn lessons after turning their personal corner. I didn't start on my really tough work 'till five years ago myself, and didn't really make progress 'till a few months ago.

So if you just start sorting this out today, you are a decade or three ahead of me and the three people in my life who impress me the most!

My problems-the ones that seem to be shaping my life and relationships, must have started long before I met my BPDEx. Extremely insecure, yet somehow really selfish. Then there is my fiery temperament, which due to both insecurity and a number of other factors, that anger never really gets let out.

... .

This was a bit of a rant, so I'll try to get to the crux of the matter. I'm angry, insecure, and depressed.

... .

What I'm trying to say is, I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm incapable of changing, or that it will be too late should I make any effective alterations.

... .

Sorry... .the desire to reach out is overriding the fear that I'll be punished somehow. That's why I'm sorry for the long post, because deep down I'm always terrified that whenever I share I'll be rejected because my sharing just annoys.

 Yeah, it is a lot to work on. It won't be easy for you. You sound like you have more understanding of the problem than you had before, and that will help you a lot.

I opened up to a friend. She always seems so confident, even though as a kid they made fun of her as well. But I don't have that confidence, that strong sense of being. It's like night and day, at least that's how it seems. But when I told her about how sad I felt most days, she didn't push me away. But what did I do? I apologized about opening up. I said "I'm really sorry, I'm hoping I didn't scare you off." I *NEED* to tell someone, but don't believe I'm worth listening to. So talking about it to someone face-to-face is difficult. In a way, I admire her resilience and wish I was more like her. Able to deal with the pressures and forge ahead.

THIS ^^^^ This was doing something different that you haven't done before. Of course it felt really weird and different when you did it. One of the important lessons I've found in life is that there are MANY things which feel very uncomfortable, even unnatural for me to do... .and that I will be much better if I push myself to do them anyway. And after I do, they start to feel less uncomfortable. Maybe some of them will even start to feel normal to me someday!

How did she respond when you shared? Was she supportive?

How did she respond when you apologized about it? Was she supportive about that too?

Have you talked to her since then?

 Build on this if you can.

 GK

[Suzn]

I opened up to a friend. She always seems so confident, even though as a kid they made fun of her as well. But I don't have that confidence, that strong sense of being. It's like night and day, at least that's how it seems. But when I told her about how sad I felt most days, she didn't push me away. But what did I do? I apologized about opening up. I said "I'm really sorry, I'm hoping I didn't scare you off." I *NEED* to tell someone, but don't believe I'm worth listening to. So talking about it to someone face-to-face is difficult. In a way, I admire her resilience and wish I was more like her. Able to deal with the pressures and forge ahead.

THIS ^^^^ This was doing something different that you haven't done before. Of course it felt really weird and different when you did it. One of the important lessons I've found in life is that there are MANY things which feel very uncomfortable, even unnatural for me to do... .and that I will be much better if I push myself to do them anyway. And after I do, they start to feel less uncomfortable. Maybe some of them will even start to feel normal to me someday!

I agree with Grey Kitty 100%. 

Vatz you are not alone in your feelings here. Oh my goodness there have been so many times I've felt ridiculous for something I've said and many times right here on these boards. Thinking the next day omg, I said that OUT LOUD, that was stupid. But I kept going, kept posting. You know what happened? Nothing. Nothing bad anyway. I got past that because I forced myself to keep going even though I felt uncomfortable.

I hope you will keep posting. Talking and becoming comfortable here can help you branch out in other areas of your life. I'm so glad you shared how you were feeling, I think you would be surprised to know how many seemingly confident people have feelings similar to what you have shared. 

[pallavirajsinghani]

Vatz:  We all are always in the process of "becoming".  We are never, repeat NEVER fully realized individual.  For being fully realized implies an inability to change... .and stasis is not part of the natural law.

In my case, self-confidence has come from overcoming several adverse circumstances... .ranging from surviving DV, losing a parent, Extreme pain caused to the entire family by a BPDSIL, infertility... .to issues like being on two unnecessary medications for almost 13 years etc. etc.  It is the fact that when I take a walk with my little puppy and I see the way his little behind moves and the way he barks at fog and the way he chases the fallen leaves... .a childlike delight overtakes every other thought in my mind.

I think this ability for joy, the capacity for joy in itself is something wonderfuly.  Being joyful is a constant process, a constant balancifing on the razor's edge of negative thoughts to the left and negative thoughts to the right... .you, up on a tightrope, balanced taking one step at a time... .and if you fall, you get hurt, nurse yourself back and get up on the tightrope again... .this is not the tightrope of stress and tension, rather, this is the placewhere you are free and truly yourself.

You cannot stay still on a tightrope... .you have to  balance by shifting your weight and psyche here and there and right and left... .

Be kind to yourself my dear... .for you have the capacity for introspection... .and that means the capacity to grow and change towards becoming the more authentic self... .

God bless.

[Vatz]

Hey everyone, thanks for the responses.

I'm sorry that you've felt this way as well. It isn't fair and perhaps what I really would have needed growing up was at least one person in my life who could have talked to me about these things. But no one ever understood. Everyone was... .everyone only spewed the same crappy motivational posters, movies and other dime store wisdom that wasn't relevant and didn't make sense. My guidance counselors in school, teachers, my parents. They all told me the same thing everyone else does. At least here, people have scars and know that life is unfair.

I appreciate the positivity and the support. It actually means a lot to hear that not only is it okay, but that I'm not the only one.

I just want to get past all this. The fears, and never-ending failures, the negativity. All my life I wanted to be someone else. But I can't be. I can only be the "best me" but every time I picture it, I see garbage and think "why bother?"

I'm doing what I can and next week I resolve go to a support group for people with depression and mood disorders. Although, I'm starting to suspect there's some schizotypal symptoms thrown in the mix (I DO talk funny, nowhere near as coherent as my writing, which is still sometimes all over the place.) Point is, I want to reach out to people face-to-face. Hopefully find a sponsor or something like that. At least there I'm encouraged to share, so maybe I'll feel less awkward in doing so. Like a friend said to me "know your audience." Maybe this, and the support group is the right audience for it and not to sound melodramatic, but thank god for you guys. I don't think I'd have reached this point in my introspection if it weren't for the people here. I might have never gotten to asking the right questions, and without those I wouldn't find the answers.

Once again, thank you all.

[Compassion14]

Vatz,

A beautiful few posts - showing real self awareness. Keep going with it!

I just wanted to ask, how did you access you history of posts? I would love to do this too, but can't see technically how to.

Many thanks and keep strong

C14

[Grey Kitty]

how did you access you history of posts? I would love to do this too, but can't see technically how to.

Find your profile (Settings on the main menu bar), and then go to the "Show Posts" link. They are in reverse chronological order, so the last (highest numbered) page will have your first posts on it.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm doing what I can and next week I resolve go to a support group for people with depression and mood disorders. Although, I'm starting to suspect there's some schizotypal symptoms thrown in the mix (I DO talk funny, nowhere near as coherent as my writing, which is still sometimes all over the place.) Point is, I want to reach out to people face-to-face.

Reaching out face to face is a great idea.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness has local support groups and resources all across the USA... .and are likely to know what other local resources are available. Check it out: www.nami.org/

... .

In addition, earlier you described opening up to one friend, and finding it scary and uncomfortable. YOU felt uncomfortable. Did she respond in a way that was kind and helpful? If she did, consider talking to her again. This kind of support is very helpful as well.

[Vatz]

In addition, earlier you described opening up to one friend, and finding it scary and uncomfortable. YOU felt uncomfortable. Did she respond in a way that was kind and helpful? If she did, consider talking to her again. This kind of support is very helpful as well.

She kind of did. Though at first she didn't say much, at least she didn't go "Holy crap, we shouldn't talk anymore." So I guess that's good. Though I wouldn't mind sharing with her, I guess once I start going to the support groups regularly, perhaps that will become the place and the "audience" for it.