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Author Topic: I have decided not to move even with ex across the street  (Read 488 times)
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 619

Picking myself off the canvas for the last time!

« on: March 15, 2015, 06:31:51 AM »

After a lot of emotional back and forth and soul searching I have decided to stand my ground and not run away. For those of you who don't know my uBPDxw was caught in bed with my neighbor and she abandoned me and our sons, now 15&10. She moved in with neighbor within months of leaving us. She only sees the boys every other weekend.

For the first year and a half I was certain that I was going to move because she is off her rocker to do this to me and her sons not to mention her Mom and siblings that she also abandoned. But a funny thing has happened in the last several months. I have been able to let go of the pain of her actions and have let them go and have given them up to God. I really don't care and have become so indifferent towards her that I just don't care about her or my neighbor. It's funny because when I see the two of them at my kids hockey game they seem so pathetic. He's afraid to sit next to her in the bleachers, she seems nervous and wants to chitchat with me like nothings ever happened. I just politely blow her off and he goes out of his way to avoid me or even to make eye contact. It's funny because it doesn't bother me like I thought it would. I'm just there for my kids and they seem to appreciate their dad rising above it and going there for them as their mom doesn't go to their games unless she has to. With this new feeling of confidence, happiness with myself, the kids adjusting to it and me being totally indifferent towards my ex were my neighbor I have felt like moving was like me running away. I now have this feeling of holding my head up high as I have nothing to be ashamed ofand feel like moving would be a rash decision that I would regret. I am in a good financial position and I am happy to start this new chapter of my life even with my X across the street.

My major concern in this decision has always been my kids. I have talked to both of them and they seem really happy with the decisions to stay. They are good boys and have such a loving heart their mom is so lucky that they gave her chance after chance to be involved in their lives.for a while it was very challenging for them and me but I think now that their dad has stabilized it has given them a sense of stability and peace that they are able to deal with the situation whether we stay or move and I get the sense that they are both happy we are staying. Another benefit of staying is that my kids are close by when they're with their mother and this is already helped as on more than one occasion my younger son didn't want to be across the street with mom and the neighbor so he was able to walk back home to be with me. Obviously I wouldn't be able to be there for him if I Moved.

I'm very curious to what women would think of a man living with his kids with his ex in the neighborhood. I'm curious what you would think of dating a Man in the situation as I am now in the process of meeting new people and dating again. For a while I thought no one would want to be in that situation with me but now that I am at peace with itI am wondering what a woman's perspective would be on it.

I really appreciate all the advice everyone on these boards has given me over the last 21 months on this topic as it has been a major source of stress for me. God is good and BPD family has been a blessing to me in my recovery.

Peace to all

MWC... .(Hey what happened to my smiley face with sunglasses?)

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 707

« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2015, 11:12:12 AM »


I totally admire your strength of character. What she has put you and your beautiful sons through is unbelievable. Kids like to stay in the same neighborhood with familiarity so I think it is the best choice to stay put.

Your neighbor can't look you in the face due to his lack of character and his shame. Your wife who want to pretend all is well is mentally ill. The damage she has done you can help undo just by being the rock for your boys. One day they will be able to verbalize the pain but with your consistency there is hope.

You will date and she will be across the street peering in. You will go with your date to events for your sons - she will be pissed off. You will be the winner here because you are honest and a loving dad. You are not the one that "sinned."

My exhb had an affair with a woman from work. She is a few years older than me but attractive and super aggressive. When her first attempt at a married man in the company didn't work out my ex consoled her. This lead to 7 years of infidelity. He still lies to my sons and say's "your mother has no proof."

My ex and his wife to be, were in our home picking out what she was to take when they moved in together, they lied about owing money for the company taxes stole from me and bought a home and a wedding ring. They had my oldest son speak at their wedding of how great it was they married. All painful crap. I was in unbelievable pain but two weeks after the divorce I met my BPD. He was so wonderful at first... .I think you have read my posts.

Life is not easy but you have a chance here to get rid of the ugliness and prove what kind of a person you are. I too remember being alone at the kid's games. My ex and his... .would sit together under a blanket. It was pathetic. I never spoke to them but it was my sons and I was going to be there for them no matter what.

It has been 8 years since the divorce. My middle son sat down with me over a glass of wine and said, mom I know the truth. Tell me what you went through. We laughed and cried and he hugged me and said how much he loved me.

Stay strong my friend. It all works out in the end if you are honest.
Senior Ambassador
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10320

« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2015, 10:00:35 PM »

Hi mywifecrazy,

I would like to echo downwhim, the truth has a way of working it's way out.

Our stories are similar.  My ex met her boyfriend through the neighbor's,  they moved across the street, I have young kids that live at both homes. I stayed put.

I like what you say about letting go of the pain and given them up to God and holding your head high. Keep taking the high road.  Their impulsive and selfish actions.  He can't look you in the eye and she dissociates because she feels shame and guilt - consequences of their choices.

You sound better mywifecrazy  Bullet: completed (click to insert in post)

I think you’re doing the right thing.

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
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