Another dose of verbal diarrhea from exBPDh

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Today I dropped my daughter off at my exBPDh's apartment and when she got out of the car he made me roll my window down because he wanted to ask a question regarding his possessions that he left at my house. When she was out of the earshot he started his verbal attack calling me trash, whore that is sucking off my divorce lawyer (not true of course), saying that I wanted to get him arrested and take away his daughter and so on and on. I was just sitting there and taking the abuse from him and did not know how to react. I just did not know what to say or do.

I have been tying to limit my contact with my him only to written form (and he tries to watch himself because he knows I'm documenting everything) but sometimes there are instances where I have to meet with him and I'm not sure how to react to his verbal assaults. Any tips?

[newlifeBPDfree]

Today I dropped my daughter off at my exBPDh's apartment and when she got out of the car he made me roll my window down because he wanted to ask a question regarding his possessions that he left at my house. When she was out of the earshot he started his verbal attack calling me trash, whore that is sucking off my divorce lawyer (not true of course), saying that I wanted to get him arrested and take away his daughter and so on and on. I was just sitting there and taking the abuse from him and did not know how to react. I just did not know what to say or do.

I have been tying to limit my contact with my him only to written form (and he tries to watch himself because he knows I'm documenting everything) but sometimes there are instances where I have to meet with him and I'm not sure how to react to his verbal assaults. Any tips?

[tjay933]

that's a hard one. i know when i am confronted like that i freeze-so shocked and scared at the same time i can't even think. if someone asked my name at that point i couldn't tell them-or what day it was or anything. can't wait to hear how others respond, i could use some of that too. sorry to hear he's being so awful.

[Suzn]

I'm sorry you've had to deal with this.    Carrying a voice recorder where ever you go that you may have contact can help document these assaults, it is abusive. I would speak with my attorney about setting up a safe place to meet him for visitation exchanges. It is not an uncommon request.

The members on the Legal board would be very helpful with any questions you might have here:

[L3] Family law, divorce, and custody

[tjay933]

new life-you were on one thread where you can't legally record him, right? how about rolling up the window and driving away next time? or refusing to roll the window down and signing to him to text you. refuse to talk to him at all since he is obviously lying to you to get you in that position.

if that was you on the other thread-does anyone think that she would be in trouble, or maybe check with your lawyer, if she texted/emailed him to tell him to keep ALL communications written in the future? since she can't legally record him and has no way to defend herself against his verbal diahrea?

[Infared]

You do not have to listen to the abuse. Set a strict boundary by interrupting him and stating that you do no have to listen to his verbal abuse. Keep calm. Don't raise your voice. Put up your window. Leave the area. Just be CLEAR that his behavior will not be tolerated. Rinse and repeat... .Don't do ANYTHING that adds to the problem. Do not retaliate. Take the higher road. If it persists then I think you need to have an appointed meeting place and not interact with him during exchanges. Eventually he may catch on... .

I wish you luck!

[downwhim]

I too say meet in a public place to exchange your daughter. Meet at McDonalds and get her a milk shake or something. Leave when he comes. Nothing verbal. He cannot attack you that way.

[Mutt]

An option.

Make the exchanges as people have already mentioned in a public place.

Police station parking lot.

They also have cameras.

[JohnLove]

If you cant avoid him completely and are entering a situation where you will be in close proximity then set a recording device. It doesn't matter if you can't use this recording device "legally", it can still help you to document or check what has occurred for reference to the authorities. It will still provide a measure of protection.

I recorded my exBPD making death threats (out of the blue) toward me and my children's paternal grandmother on one occasion when I was dropping the children off to her. I took the recording to police. I told them the circumstances under which the threats occurred. They were happy to listen to the recording but after consulting with detectives they were unable to proceed with any charges based on that evidence.

[Tibbles]

That is so hard to take. I avoid any meetings with my ex because that is how he acts as well and it is so hard to cope with. I too in the past have just sat there and taken it - like a deer in the head lights it seems impossible to get away. I really like the suggestion of a public place where you don't have to speak to him, just hand over your daughter and go.

I have made it clear to my ex that all discussions about possessions etc are through email. I don't answer his calls or return them. It's just not safe. I also record all his  phone messages. Could that be a boundary you could set? Meetings are for drop offs and pick ups - no discussions about anything. All that is through e-mail. Hearing all that stuff from him is ongoing abuse and for your health you need it to end. If he abuses you through email then at least you have a written record for evidence if needed later and you can protect yourself to a degree by reading it in short bursts and processing it in your own time and at your own pace. Good luck

[newlifeBPDfree]

Thank you all for your suggestions.

Tjay933 - yes, that was me in the other thread about recordings. My new court order prohibits us from recording each other. I was really itching to press the record button on my cell.

I really thought that by me dropping her off in front of his apartment with tons of passer-bys around would be enough and would stop him from doing anything crazy. But he really is a master of sneaking in a verbal attacks even when our daughter is around but has not idea what he is saying to me. 

He even flipped me off numerous times when walking to the car with my daughter still in it and walking away turning around and doing the gesture while people were walking by. Totally crazy! He does this thing when he adjusts his glasses with his middle finger and looks me straight in the eyes. At first sight it looks totally innocent but I know what hes doing and I see the contempt in his eyes.

Tomorrow we have mediation scheduled to discussed my daughter's visitation schedule. I already dread any possible confrontation and just being around him and the negativity he brings with him.

The good news I really try letting things like this not bother me and I put up a wall where it does not get to me. But no one should be subject to something like this, let alone from a person that claims he still loves you and want to be with you.

[tjay933]

But he really is a master of sneaking in a verbal attacks even when our daughter is around but has not idea what he is saying to me.

even when they aren't "loud" they sure do know how to get to us don't they. just the insinuations that others may assume have a different meaning but we know what they really mean-they intent to be just that, mean.

I hope it all goes good with the meeting tomorrow. stay strong. can you bring someone with you to ensure he doesn't corner you in the elevator or as you get out of your car so to speak-so that he can't rattle you before you go in? pretty sure he will try. did the order specify if anyone else could record the two of you or just that you and he couldn't record?

I like some of the ideas put out there by other people as well.

above all, stay safe.   

[Mutt]

I really thought that by me dropping her off in front of his apartment with tons of passer-bys around would be enough and would stop him from doing anything crazy. But he really is a master of sneaking in a verbal attacks even when our daughter is around but has not idea what he is saying to me.  

He even flipped me off numerous times when walking to the car with my daughter still in it and walking away turning around and doing the gesture while people were walking by.

What if he didn't catch you in an enclosed space?

You get out of your vehicle and meet at a mall with security cameras? It should put him in check and he may think twice if there's a (CCTV) public camera device recording.

Everyone's ex partners are different.

My ex verbally attacked me in front of my three kids and I said I won't put up with it. We exchanged our kids at each others homes and still do. She'd want to talk about things not pertaining about the kids like money and I said this is not the place or time.

After I said I'm moving the exchanges to the mall or police station she's stopped verbally attacking me in front of the kids because she knew I meant business.

I'm sorry your going through this. Thankfully mediation sessions aren't terribly long. Keep defending your boundaries and perhaps new ways of refining them.

Hang in there.


----Mutt

[newlifeBPDfree]

I like the idea of meeting at the police station. I will definitely suggest this tomorrow during mediation as an alternative if he does not quit. I don't think he will quit though. He goes out of his way to show his contempt. For example today he sent me insulting text in my native language. I was with him or 10 years and he never bothered to learn anything but the basic words, now he's wasting all his energy and time to be creative in insulting me. I will bring that plus the translation to the next court date.

[tjay933]

good plan.     

[Suzn]

I will bring that plus the translation to the next court date.

Good plan. I wouldn't suggest meeting at the police station in mediation, I would insist on it. That and a restraining order. Your text insults from him should be plenty to prove he is being abusive.

[newlifeBPDfree]

I will bring that plus the translation to the next court date.

Good plan. I wouldn't suggest meeting at the police station in mediation, I would insist on it. That and a restraining order. Your text insults from him should be plenty to prove he is being abusive.

I actually had an emergency restraining order for a month and then he showed up in court and somehow convinced the judge not to extend it. I have another thread on that

It's so easy to make all the decisions when he is insulting me and saying awful things but then last night he was texting me how much he is hurt and he knows he is hurt too. He was telling he was going to therapy and nager management class. My heart feels for him but I can't let him get to me whether it's nice or mean things he is saying.

[Mutt]

I will bring that plus the translation to the next court date.

Good plan. I wouldn't suggest meeting at the police station in mediation, I would insist on it. That and a restraining order. Your text insults from him should be plenty to prove he is being abusive.

I actually had an emergency restraining order for a month and then he showed up in court and somehow convinced the judge not to extend it. I have another thread on that

It's so easy to make all the decisions when he is insulting me and saying awful things but then last night he was texting me how much he is hurt and he knows he is hurt too. He was telling he was going to therapy and nager management class. My heart feels for him but I can't let him get to me whether it's nice or mean things he is saying.

Don't listen to any of the words. Look at his actions. The truth lies there.

[tjay933]

Don't listen to any of the words. Look at his actions. The truth lies there.

excellent advice Mutt and oh so true.

"an abuser will do anything to keep you but nothing to help you"

it's amazing all the phrases that have no author on this site and yet they stick in our minds for their insight and truthfulness.

I hope you have a good day today newlife and stay safe. 

[downwhim]

R/O works! Even though my ex broke into my home when I wasn't here and took some items the cops were all over him. They went to his office and warned him jail was next. They patrolled my home which was on a dead end street. He finally realized that he is not above the law.

You do not need to take his verbal abuse!

[newlifeBPDfree]

"an abuser will do anything to keep you but nothing to help you"

I love this quote! This truly reflects the BPD relationship dynamics.

Today's meeting went ok. It turns out it was only an orientation and we scheduled some mediation dates for May. This is a long time to wait... .It was so hard for me to sit in the room with him. He was trying to intimidate me in front of the mediator but I would not even look at him.

When the mediator asked me for my last name for his records I gave him my married name which I haven't changed yet. Then my ex interrupted and said that I have it in divorce decree that I am going back to my maiden name. It was in the decree so if I want to change my name I don't have to go through court again but I dont have to. The mediator told him that everyone has a right to identify themselves the way they want to and that made him shut up. It almost made me laugh how petty he made himself be.

The mediator then held my ex for additional 10 minutes so I can leave the building and safely disappear into the crowd and that was really helpful because I did not want the same thing happen that happened last week after a court date where he followed me and berated me while I was trying to walk away.

After that I got texts from him saying he still loves me and asking me for therapy together. When I did not respond to that he then threatened me that he wont allow me to take my daughter to see my family in Europe this summer. I feel all of this is extremely childish and I'm so sick of this behavior. I just want to live and let live but I'm afraid I'm stuck with this for life. Does it ever stop?

[tjay933]

Today's meeting went ok.

I'm glad for you. I know how hard it can be.

He was trying to intimidate me in front of the mediator but I would not even look at him.

GOOD FOR YOU! you deserve a treat for that!

The mediator then held my ex for additional 10 minutes

almost makes you wonder if they actually saw and made a note of what happened the last time? maybe? or they are so experienced with these things it is part of their safety rules? great idea and glad it happened.

After that I got texts from him saying he still loves me and asking me for therapy together. When I did not respond to that he then threatened me that he wont allow me to take my daughter to see my family in Europe this summer.

remember to keep those for the next meeting.

I feel all of this is extremely childish and I'm so sick of this behavior.

glad you can see through his behaviour. and it is childish. don't know if it ever stops. I'll let you know in a decade or two. 

very glad that it went so good today and to hear you in good spirits. 

[newlifeBPDfree]

glad you can see through his behaviour. and it is childish. don't know if it ever stops. I'll let you know in a decade or two. 

That's a very optimistic perspective. Thank you for the support. 

[Suzn]

After that I got texts from him saying he still loves me and asking me for therapy together. When I did not respond to that he then threatened me that he wont allow me to take my daughter to see my family in Europe this summer. I feel all of this is extremely childish and I'm so sick of this behavior. I just want to live and let live but I'm afraid I'm stuck with this for life. Does it ever stop?

Save all the texts. Let them know in court what he's been doing. What does your attorney say about these texts?

Have you checked out the Legal board yet?

[downwhim]

I too went to mediation where my ex smacked his gum and was on the phone to his girlfriend. The mediator let him know this was not appropriate. He made a fool of himself. He also asked me if after if I would ever consider re-marrying him. I am sure if his now wife knew of that she would s@@t.

They get weird when they are losing us... .

[newlifeBPDfree]

After that I got texts from him saying he still loves me and asking me for therapy together. When I did not respond to that he then threatened me that he wont allow me to take my daughter to see my family in Europe this summer. I feel all of this is extremely childish and I'm so sick of this behavior. I just want to live and let live but I'm afraid I'm stuck with this for life. Does it ever stop?

Save all the texts. Let them know in court what he's been doing. What does your attorney say about these texts?

Have you checked out the Legal board yet?

I don't have an attorney yet but I'm going to need to get one. My divorce attorney asked me out on the day of our divorce and I thought it was inappropriate so I'm not going to go back to him. I'm going to have to search for someone new but i also have limited budget being a single mom and not getting child support because my ex doesn't even work. I'm documenting everything and I am planning on getting good representation for me for our next court date in July.

[newlifeBPDfree]

I too went to mediation where my ex smacked his gum and was on the phone to his girlfriend. The mediator let him know this was not appropriate. He made a fool of himself. He also asked me if after if I would ever consider re-marrying him. I am sure if his now wife knew of that she would s@@t.

They get weird when they are losing us... .

My ex is a very charming person and can mesmerize anyone he talks to. That's what's hurting me a lot because I'm not the most outgoing person. When he was checking in for mediation I heard him be very charming to the ladies at the front desk. Just typical fr him. He wasn't being disrespectful during mediation but had one or two hangups about something that seemed so petty. I really hope the mediator sees through it.

[Infared]

After that I got texts from him saying he still loves me and asking me for therapy together. When I did not respond to that he then threatened me that he wont allow me to take my daughter to see my family in Europe this summer. I feel all of this is extremely childish and I'm so sick of this behavior. I just want to live and let live but I'm afraid I'm stuck with this for life. Does it ever stop?

Save all the texts. Let them know in court what he's been doing. What does your attorney say about these texts?

Have you checked out the Legal board yet?

I don't have an attorney yet but I'm going to need to get one. My divorce attorney asked me out on the day of our divorce and I thought it was inappropriate so I'm not going to go back to him. I'm going to have to search for someone new but i also have limited budget being a single mom and not getting child support because my ex doesn't even work. I'm documenting everything and I am planning on getting good representation for me for our next court date in July.

WOW... .I am so sorry about your attorney.  Most are predators in many ways and just have no ethics.  I interviewed 3 attorneys and they all wanted a lot of money, plus the wanted me to pay her lots of money based on nothing but her insane demands? (We had no children and did not own a home). I decided not to hire any of the parasites and represent myself.

I won.

Just be careful and ask a LOT of questions. It so hard to find good advice.

[downwhim]

I agree with Infared,

My attorney was the worst... .he should have gotten me alimony after 22 years of marriage, he missed an important section about when I could move out and into my condo, he was not aggressive enough. Yes, be careful and picky about who you get to represent you. Mine cost us about $52,000! That is way too much money.