practical question about no contact

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hey everyone,

I have remained NC for a month and half, but was wondering what folks do when they run into their ex's in person.

I've been telling myself that if I ever run into her I'm going to just walk away and avoid contact.

The other night I saw her out at a nightclub and decided that I didn't need to prove anything to myself or to her by staying. I walked in, saw her, and then walked out. Unfortunately I had to walk by her in order to exit, and as I walked by she had turned in her seat and gave me an incredibly diabolical look, like an angry hostile look. I'm still feeling haunted by her look.

Part of me feels weak for having to leave, but there is also a part of me that is proud of myself for doing what I needed to do to take care of myself.

The reason I don't want to be in the same room with her is because I don't trust her not to do something in an attempt to provoke a reaction from me. I probably would've sat there hyper fixated on her and I know this would be unhealthy for me as I am still detaching.

It makes me sad that this, in fact, is the reality-- talking to her, seeing her in anyway makes me feel terrible, and simultaneously makes me feel like I should give her another chance, that it's all my fault and it's my problems that are preventing us from having a healthy relationship.

Can anyone relate?

[tenderhearted]

Hey everyone,

I have remained NC for a month and half, but was wondering what folks do when they run into their ex's in person.

I've been telling myself that if I ever run into her I'm going to just walk away and avoid contact.

The other night I saw her out at a nightclub and decided that I didn't need to prove anything to myself or to her by staying. I walked in, saw her, and then walked out. Unfortunately I had to walk by her in order to exit, and as I walked by she had turned in her seat and gave me an incredibly diabolical look, like an angry hostile look. I'm still feeling haunted by her look.

Part of me feels weak for having to leave, but there is also a part of me that is proud of myself for doing what I needed to do to take care of myself.

The reason I don't want to be in the same room with her is because I don't trust her not to do something in an attempt to provoke a reaction from me. I probably would've sat there hyper fixated on her and I know this would be unhealthy for me as I am still detaching.

It makes me sad that this, in fact, is the reality-- talking to her, seeing her in anyway makes me feel terrible, and simultaneously makes me feel like I should give her another chance, that it's all my fault and it's my problems that are preventing us from having a healthy relationship.

Can anyone relate?

[raisins3142]

Don't beat yourself up.

Part of being strong is knowing and avoiding what makes you weak.

I have 2 very good male friends from childhood and they are also best friends with each other.

The one had broken up with a girl and did not want to go to the restaurant near her house she frequents.  My other friend gave him some lecture about being an adult and who cares... .blah blah... .just some chest thumping.

I understood why my friend did not want to go there and supported him though.  It is just as easy to pick a better spot.

I saw an acquaintance at a bar and his ex gf was there with her new bf.  They were all over each other and the poor guy sat there and grinned and beared it to seem like a bigger person.  I was thinking "dude, just leave, you don't need to sit there and see your recent ex sticking her tongue in another guy's mouth, probably on purpose to get to you".

There is a reason that I refused to meet with my ex after our break up.  I knew she would be upset and cry and try to get back with me and give me tearful hugs and maybe beg... .and it would make me weak and I might try again.

"I live for myself and I answer to nobody." -Steve McQueen

[Suzn]

Part of me feels weak for having to leave, but there is also a part of me that is proud of myself for doing what I needed to do to take care of myself.

One of the most courageous things we can do is do what's best for ourselves. You should be proud. You did what was right for you.

You can't fix her issues you can only focus on yours. You have a shot at a healthier relationship without her because you can work on you. Which is exactly what you did when you removed yourself from a situation with the possibility of hurting you. That's part of working on you. 

[Deeno02]

Good advice. However, you cant be a hermit. I agree on not putting yourself into a predicament, but try not to lock yourself up. I live 4 blocks from her, saw her in passing at a stop light. She was totally emotionless, I continued rocking out to Foghat. She also coaches my sons HS volleyball team, so, guess what, i get to see her for the next month and a half. Mind over matter. I dont mind, she dont matter. Its her guilt, not mine.

[rlhmm]

you did the right thing in leaving, i had to do the same new years eve when she decided to show up with the replacement to a friend's gig uninvited that i had planned on attending for months. that set up a trigger in me like no other. i couldnt stand seeing her or being around her with someone else. i had to leave immediately or i was going to physically hurt someone, (the replacement) and spend the holiday in jail... .mind over matter, i wisely chose to leave. you DID the right thing as i did!    

[ta777]

I've only run into my ex once and that was after she stalked me outside my classroom on campus (college). I got an instant anxiety attack as she tried talking to me, insisting we needed to talk. I told her we had nothing to talk about and just walked away as she followed me. I eventually lost her and that was it.

I would just ignore them, don't give them the attention they want.

I walk to class through the side alleys from now on to avoid her, that is how bad it was for me.

[Loosestrife]

I think avoid until you feel strong enough to ignore/ or say hi and walk on. Silence speaks

Loudest.

[Infared]

This is a tough topic, for me.  I do not care what others (family, aquaintences, etc.) say regarding contact. They have NO idea how my exBPD acts.  She has them snowed into thinking she is this sweet innocent caring person... .Some actually think that I have it wrong... .that is how good she is! If I had not repeatedly experienced the things she has done... I probably would not believe what I tell people either.  I had foreshadowing of this with her... .I was at the beach one day when we were early-on in our relationship and a not-so-recent ex of mine was up behind us on the beach (she, I now know is histrionic... .so ... .I definitely have my part in the women that I have connected with! :-)), Anyway... .I mention to my partner that this person is behind us (who I tried and tried with... but ended up leaving and I know it really hurt her and I had empathy for this person... .but I was long done with it)... .and so my pwBPD jumps up and jumps in my lap and starts squirming around, to mark her territory, I think?  I was appalled.  I told her in no uncertain terms to stop and have a little empathy and respect for the other person's feelings... My BPD acted as though I would  just join in with her in hurting this other person. It was unsettling... .but she seemed to get my point of view... .but WOW... .I never dreamt that 5-years later I would be the person back up on the beach and that both my exBPD and the new supply had preplanned and reveled in acting out in public whenever they had the chance in a way that would emotionally harm me.   I was still dumbfounded every time that it happened. We are talking about two people in their late 30's here, not to 13 year-olds.

Here is a for instance (there are many, many of these)

We both live in my hometown (I think/hope that they have recently moved), so one morning I went to a sidewalk cafe that I did not know they frequented (?)... .Thank God I was with 3 people in a support group that I was attending and we were having coffee minding our own business at a table on the sidewalk... . They come up, she spots me... .and immediately goes into victim mode, super emotional, sighing, head down, hurt puppy... .so he has to rescue her. (mind you... .I did nothing and am not paying attention to them but she is literally one foot away from my shoulder... . So here is what they elect to do... .They go to the adjoining sidewalk cafe... and both sit on the same side of the table staring at me... .they were soo pathetic that a table that was closer opened up and the just got up and moved closer staring at me? They stayed there and ate doing this.  Thank God for wrap-around sun glasses.  ... .but what a disgusting display of immaturity... .but at the same time... it deeply hurt me and just confused me etc.  Like... .hey... you ran off to him... .he is with you... .I am alone (no partner)... .WHY are you behaving this way?  I was continually dumbfounded.

After a few of these instances (I am an emotional guy... .but I was in counseling and I was VERY mature... .I was not going to feed or be part of their sick dramafest... .whatever that is all about), I made a decision for ME.  Their behavior upset me... .so whenever their presence became known to me... .I would just love me, and leave. (I did not need that sick battle, and I did not need to prove ANYTHING to either one of them or anyone else).  I never made a face etc... if I was somewhere eating (usually alone), I would just say... ."check please" and leave.  I was honest enough with myself that I knew that once they were in the room that there would be no peace for me... .so I could make the choice to love me and get up and leave. Quietly... .no scene.  I kept my dignity and was so fine with the fact that I did not act in the childish manner the way these two repeatedly did/do.

So Tenderhearted... .I know your situation is different... but I will back you up on taking care of you.  I don't think that you need to cower from her, i.e. alter your day, slink around... etc... .but hey... .if you are uncomfortable, just get up and leave and be in a more peaceful state. No eye contact needs to be made, etc... .With BPD's "anything" can feed the wacky fire.  I think that getting up and leaving is taking care of you.  

I loved and respected myself, and my ex.  I cannot believe that she chooses to treat me in that fashion... .its upsetting that she has no concern or awareness of my feelings and how she devastated me with her betrayal and subsequent abrupt abandonment.  I did nothing to deserve this kind of behavior... .I was not perfect, but this is undeserved, totally. WHO DOES THIS?... .oh... pwBPD do.

I have been a surfer my whole life and when you are paddling out, one trick is to "duck dive" an incoming line of white water... you go under, the energy goes over you and you continue to make progress out to the line-up and catch a wave.

I look at my behavior in these encounters to be like that... .just avoid the negative energy, let it wash past me and move forward.  I don't have to explain, or do battle, etc... .I just take care of me... .and I am tight with that.  Thank God I do not act like them... .It has to be mental illness or maybe just downright meaness. Who knows, who cares... .I leave!  

[misty_red]

My exBPDgf always showed up at handball matches. We'd been in the same team but then she left. A month later she started showing up to see the matches. I didn't care whether it was because of me or only because she wanted to see her old team play. For me it was overstepping boundaries. She was the one telling me to leave her alone. If I tell that someone I won't ever get in their proximity on purpose. But I knew I couldn't stop her from showing up so I left my team. Months before when I talked with my coach about the possibility to leave the team (there she was still part of the team) he told me that that's exactly what she wants. And that she would win if I go. All of the months I believed I shouldn't give her the satisfaction of me leaving but then finally I said "Whatever. Even if she feels like she's winning. EVen if she's satisfied with me leaving. It's not about what she wants or feels or whatever. It's about what I need to do to detach properly." I put myself out of the drama because I couldn't take it anymore. So I choose to go. And yes, someone could say "You shouldn't have dropper handball because of your ex." but then I say "Well, otherwise I would've dropped my life... ." Okay, sounds very melodramatic but you get what I mean. Yeah, I gave up handball but got my life back."

Just do what you feel like is right. Everyone heals differently.

[Infared]

My exBPDgf always showed up at handball matches. We'd been in the same team but then she left. A month later she started showing up to see the matches. I didn't care whether it was because of me or only because she wanted to see her old team play. For me it was overstepping boundaries. She was the one telling me to leave her alone. If I tell that someone I won't ever get in their proximity on purpose. But I knew I couldn't stop her from showing up so I left my team. Months before when I talked with my coach about the possibility to leave the team (there she was still part of the team) he told me that that's exactly what she wants. And that she would win if I go. All of the months I believed I shouldn't give her the satisfaction of me leaving but then finally I said "Whatever. Even if she feels like she's winning. EVen if she's satisfied with me leaving. It's not about what she wants or feels or whatever. It's about what I need to do to detach properly." I put myself out of the drama because I couldn't take it anymore. So I choose to go. And yes, someone could say "You shouldn't have dropper handball because of your ex." but then I say "Well, otherwise I would've dropped my life... ." Okay, sounds very melodramatic but you get what I mean. Yeah, I gave up handball but got my life back."

Just do what you feel like is right. Everyone heals differently.

+100

[Bumpsintheroad]

tenderhearted... .taking the high road always has less traffic.  Follow your gut feeling. 

I've been asked a few times what I would say if I ran into my exBPD wife.  Probably won't happen since I moved over 500 miles away just to escape any possible drama.  She's seriously toxic and capable of anything.  That being said, if I got a tap on the shoulder or she walked up to me in public, I might use the classic line written by Suzan Collins in the Hunger Games... .

"Well... .You here to finish me off... .SWEETHEART?"

[apollotech]

tenderhearted,

I think you did the right thing for you by leaving. You are not obligated to prove anything to anyone. You are obligated to take care of yourself. "Feeling weak" because you left is just an unfounded negative thought. I actually find your leaving as a sign of strength, not weakness. You took care of you. When your healing is complete you'll reach a state of indifference towards your exSO. At that point it won't matter if y'all lived together under the same roof. She/he just becomes a person that you do not have emotional ties with; therefore, they do not/cannot affect you.